Am I being selfish?

my brother in law died when he was very young and the funeral was traumatic. So since then my in-laws died there was no funeral service. no funeral for my brother and it is in our wills not to have any funeral service either.
when my mother died my brother arranged the funeral it he felt obliged ( i was appalled) to invite people who had never even enquired about her during her 4/5 years in a care home let alone visit her. The people attended just to get free food. if your daughter wants to waste her money and mix with horrible people then it is up to her but I agree with you

My father's son was sort of in charge of his terminal care. My father said to his son regarding his funeral "Just do what is most convenient." Nay bother!

I have said for many years that I don't want any sort of funeral just a direct cremation with no attendees. My late DH would never discuss this although in his last few months as he became more and more ill he said he would just go along with my wishes and have the same which is exactly what I did. I think he probably said this to make things easier for me but I still wonder if that was what he would have really preferred. However I think funerals are absolute torture for loved ones and I certainly don't want to put my close family through any such thing. I have my DH's ashes at home with me and have told my DS exactly what I want and that our ashes should be spread or scattered together somewhere. No need for any agonising discussions with celebrants or vicars, no trouble booking a venue for a wake or organising cars, flowers, hymns, eulogy's or attendees just time for true loved ones to grieve in peace.
Good job we're all different.

I believe that funerals are for the living. My family will do what will comfort them.

It is your funeral, literally, and I think you should have what you want, for the sound reasons you have given.
If your daughter is not happy, rather than being cross, she can organize it, and pay for it.

Germanshepherdsmum

I don’t understand, Shinamae. Surely with a Pure Cremation there is no funeral at which donations can be collected?

The family that attend my scattering will have a small collection…

I have told my daughter that I don't want a funeral. Straight to the Crematorium from where I die. Ashes to my favourite beach.

Very difficult. My husband wanted a minimal funeral but in the end we compromised as I knew it would upset me and our family and friends so he chose a family led cremation service (Simplicity) with a basic coffin, no cars, coffin was brought to the crem. before the mourners arrived no flowers, (donations to prostate cancer and the local hospice) although I had a coffin arrangement in his favourite yellow flowers. After that a 'normal service' with our friend ministering it. It was a lovely service (he had written in great detail the hymns, tunes, poems and even his last farewell words). He would have been pleased with it. The company did everything and were very helpful from the telephone call informing them of his death. I have now just finished paying mine off over 12 months at a cost of just over £2000. My girls are happy with my decision and I will leave my chosen songs etc. so less stress for all.

I don’t understand, Shinamae. Surely with a Pure Cremation there is no funeral at which donations can be collected?

Having attended the funeral of an old university friend yesterday, it made me think about what music I would want played at mine. It's a difficult thing to discuss with offspring, as no-one wants to think about their parents dying, especially when they are fit and healthy, as I am. I wish it was less of a taboo subject. The one I was at yesterday was planned by my friend and her husband in her final weeks, as she knew her condition was terminal, so it was just as she wanted it.

I try to do all I can to make my family members life’s as pleasant and comfortable as I can whilst I am alive, but when I die they can do whatever they want with regards to the disposal of my bod, whatever is easiest for them to cope with, I do believe it really will not matter to me at all, but will make a huge difference to them!

Not your choice ! You won't be there. Let the family do what they want to remember you.

We are very traditional in our family. DH and I have both paid in advance for a simple funeral service at the crem. Despite me being a (lapsed) Catholic I won't be having the usual church service as none of my family are churchgoers.

As for the importance of a service of some sort, I fought tooth and nail in the years of sex discrimination to improve my qualifications and eventually become an Accountant. My parents never praised me for it and I assumed they weren't impressed. At my dad's funeral two of his ex-workmates told me that the day I qualified he had taken a bottle of whisky into the yard where they worked and they all had a tot to celebrate my success. They told me he was as proud as punch.

I'd never have known that without the funeral. It made such a huge difference to me for the rest of my life.

His old boss was there too - it was wonderful to hear how respected he had been by both management and colleagues, and he was only a builder's labourer.

I'm not saying that everyone should have a funeral, and it is always good to consider those who might find it stressful, but it can be very helpful to get together with people who knew our loved one in a different way to us, and learn interesting things about them.

My Pure cremation funeral is already paid for
I have discussed it with my three children although they’re not over the moon about the thought of me dying they accept the way I want my funeral to be.
After they have scattered my ashes at a beach I spent a lot of my childhood at,they will then go to a local restaurant to have a slap up meal and raise a glass and that to us is a really personal way to see me off….
I am not religious and I think funeral flowers are a terrible waste of money,there will be a collection for a local charity at my funeral
Each to their own…🤷‍♀️

I’m a bit worried about the whole idea of trying to control my own funeral. It’s my businesses how I live my life, but once I’m dead it’s their business how they celebrate me. Maybe let it be known that I’d have no objection to a simple non-ceremony?
But then, a firm ‘no funeral" request frees my family from any social pressure to waste all that money.
Oh, sod it. I’ll be dead. They can do what they want, I won’t know.

Im having a pure cremation, my daughter does not want to really talk about it and my son at first had questions but now seems okay, well obviously as you can be. I hated my mum and my dads funeral which as only child and divorced had to arrange on my own and also believe I will still be a nice presence in my family’s life so don’t want them to see me getting burnt. Everyone does their own thing .

My daughter and I had exactly the same conversation. I have now made a list of my favourite quotes, Bible passages, poems. music with some notes about my life (!!) They can use these as they see fit.

A childless aunt of mine had prepaid her funeral and specified what she wanted - which was a relatively simple C of E service.

She had obviously done it before developing dementia, so we were very grateful to her for her consideration, and for saving us from wondering what she’d have wanted.

My brother planned his funeral this way and told his only daughter that he wanted no one at the funeral including her. We are a large family and everyone was shocked, horrified and hurt at his decision. As a comprise it was decided that his daughter and our oldest brother would attend. There was no wake but we all gathered for a meal to mark our brother's passing.

At the time I felt my brother was very selfish, not respecting everyone's feelings, especially his daughter who now have lost both parents and was all alone with her thoughts.

After this experience I believe that funerals are for the living. It gives friends and family the opportunity to say goodbye and to remember the happy times. It is an important part of the grieving process and should not be seen as a money saving exercise.

How the funeral is conducted should be a personal wish which can be prearranged. It can also be paid for via insurances. We lost 3 family members to COVID19 and was prepared to tribute towards the funeral arrangements but this was not necessary because each person had insurance to cover the funeral. This made me think and we too now have a will expressing our wishes for the funeral and insurance to cover the costs.

A distant 80-something relation of dh, who had hardly any family, was an out and out atheist. He was cremated, but as we knew in advance, there was to be no service at all.

There were only about 6 of us attending, so we took a couple of bottles of wine and some nice nibbles, and had a little ‘farewell party’ in the chapel - with his coffin on whatever they call it nearby.
There were a lot of cheerful enough reminiscences, and someone had brought some old photos.

I didn’t really know him well at all, but everyone who did said he’d certainly have approved.

We did tell the crem staff what we were going to do (I did wonder whether they wouldn’t like it) but they were absolutely fine with it.

I write as a daughter. My wonderful dad recently decided he wanted a pure cremation, after losing mum a couple of years ago and being horrified at the cost and upset of arranging and attending her funeral.

I, too, was terribly upset at first at his decision and tried to talk him out of it.

However I came to realise that it was his funeral, literally, and should be his decision. There's a tremendous peace of mind for us both and I feel I can respect his wishes.

Have you shown your daughter the literature? Maybe she needs to read it herself and digest it all.

Give her time and space to come to terms with it all. She's probably reacting emotionally (as I did) but needs time. After all, it's not just about a funeral (or not) but about losing you, as well.

Good luck. X

You’re not being selfish HOWEVER, please take into account both your own wishes and that of your immediate families.

I’ve heard horror stories about the “void” left behind where people have opted for pure cremation.

Planning and taking part in a funeral is part of the grieving process, it’s a way of doing something which often bring family and friends together and the time it takes between a death and having a funeral gives many people time to reflect and start the grieving process.

I shall be having “the chat” with my own children, and leave enough cash behind to cover what we all agree should happen, just as both my late parents did.

Take care and good luck

silverlining48, a friend of ours specified in his will that he wanted a couple of benches installed in favourite spots.

I have to say it was something of a hassle for his widow, though, liaising with the council or other relevant authority, to get them (finally) in place.

A few years ago I said exactly the same to my children to save them the distress if sitting through my funeral, however they were appalled with the idea.
They said they needed a funeral service to say their final goodbyes and I quite understand that.
Maybe have a rethink.

i don't think you are being selfish, i talked to my son about this and have told him this is what i want and he is okay with it, i said for him and dil to take the kids away that day and make it a celebration, i watched how heartbroken he was at his dads funeral and cremation and i dont want him to go through that again. my mum said i was selfish, but she expects me to arrange her funeral, something i dont want to do. please do what is best for you, after all it is your day.