Friend not herself on holidays

My mother had a friend of long standing who began to behave like that; she moved in with her daughter and son in law, and when they went away for a week without her, absolute hell to pay, my mother agreed to stay with her so she would not be alone, (and to let the D and SiL escape). All was fine until she attended a regular evening committee meeting; when she returned at 10 o'clock the house was in darkness, the door was barred; the phone remained unanswered. So she returned home and re -appeared at 9 am the next morning. The friend pretended she hadn't heard the door or the phone, and no more was said. But she was never asked to stay again, because D and SiL were never allowed to leave her alone again; she insisted in going everywhere with them.

I would say no and tell her why in a “jokey” manner and see what she says. Life’s too short to put up with such cr**.

I think that this is your friend when she is ‘normal’ you usually only see her for a short time when you meet up.
When you are with her for a few days she is being herself, whether that’s nice or crotchety, it’s possibly how she really is.
Avoid holidays together and stay friends who meet up, not friends who holiday together.

Can you compromise and just do the odd w/e away,or better, local trips..

Some people are just uncomfortable being away from home. It has nothing to do with you. I find travelling very stressful and can be very crochety. My family are used to it and ignore me until I settle down. I try hard to relax these days but still get quite anxious.

Well OP, going for days out is very different to effectively "living" with someone, albeit for a few days. By the time you've met her at the cinema or for lunch your friend has got out of bed and eaten her breakfast at a time to suit her. This could be at 6am for all you know! If she lives alone, then she has become accustomed to doing things all her own way.

Also, people with anxiety often have a strong desire to control situations. It ensures (if only in their minds) that nothing erratic or outside their comfort zone occurs. So, breakfast is at 8.30 because they can't cope if it isn't. Hope that makes sense.

Yes, I do have years of experience of this with a particular person who also suffered from anxiety and who, for example, got angry if I left my hotel room if she wasn't ready to leave hers. Not because she was a shrinking violet scared to be alone (quite the opposite), it was all about control.

The obvious advice is to not go on holiday with her but now you've set the bar that could cause a rift. I think you are going to have to suck it up for the sake of your much nicer days out but limit it to a a few days.

You say your friend suffers with her nerves occasionally. Perhaps she is very sensitive to the changes in her routine when staying away from home ... different sleeping and eating arrangements, room temperatures etc.

Could you ask her if she found your last trip relaxing and if there was anything she would change?

Personally, as I get older, I don't enjoy travelling with friends. I'm set in my ways and find it hard adapting to other people's rhythms!

Many years ago (1970s) a colleague (Avril and I discussed a holiday to Paris and I was upfront about not wanting to do the tourist thing, having visited several times. Aware that she would be left alone while I visited the fleamarket she invited another friend (Betty) who also invited a friend (Joan).

In principle I had no problem with Joan and Betty as they would be someone for Avril to go around with while I was off on my own. In practice the three of them followed me about like pet lambs. Being the only person who spoke French I was doing all the organizing, arranging and interpreting. I was beginning to feel like an unpaid tour guide and said so.

To cut matters short I went off to the fleamarket for a day. The three went off to see Notre Dame but Joan foolishly left her bag with all her money, travel cheques and passport under the table in a cafe in a rough part of Paris. This involved a visit to the police to get a police report - necessary for insurance and getting replacement passport.

"We could have done with your help Biglouis because we dont speak French" So it was my fault.

Next day I compounded the sin by leaving the three of them to visit the British Embassy without my help to get the replacement passport. Of course you dont need to speak French in the British embassy.

Suffice to say that on the journey back we sat on different seats on the train.

That put me off going on holiday with friends and colleagues. Since then Ive travelled alone and never with a group.

either limit meetings to day-time events, or try to have a meeting where you ask her why she does it.

My DH almost always has mood swings when we are on holiday. For him it’s a long term complication of autistic behaviours including a deep struggle with change that’s not from his agenda, coupled with more recent medically induced cortisol production problems.
Some days can be good, some days not at all good.
As you say, I find myself walking on eggshells sometimes as he presents as though he’s trying to put me in a position where I make him cross. If I don’t manage to anticipate and avoid such situations (being human) he then responds to my error with a huge downwards mood swing. Your description of your friend rang so many bells!
In recent years he has been on a few sports breaks without me. His messages become more and more wired and anxious and he returns unwell.

As I said to my DD once, yes I accept that I have been the trigger but no I now know I am not the cause.
That’s autism for you!

He’s also a kind and thoughtful person much of the time. Our holidays tend to improve once he’s hit rock bottom or sorted out his medication needs.

I go away with him… he’s my DH… but I wouldn’t go away with a friend who behaves this way.
Maybe stick to day trips?

I would meet up as you have done in the past every few weeks for lunch, cinema sightseeing etc, but would find an excuse not to go away on holiday with her.

Many of us have friends we are happy to see for a few hours but not days on end and there’s nothing wrong with that.