Friend not herself on holidays

I would meet up as you have done in the past every few weeks for lunch, cinema sightseeing etc, but would find an excuse not to go away on holiday with her.

Many of us have friends we are happy to see for a few hours but not days on end and there’s nothing wrong with that.

My DH almost always has mood swings when we are on holiday. For him it’s a long term complication of autistic behaviours including a deep struggle with change that’s not from his agenda, coupled with more recent medically induced cortisol production problems.
Some days can be good, some days not at all good.
As you say, I find myself walking on eggshells sometimes as he presents as though he’s trying to put me in a position where I make him cross. If I don’t manage to anticipate and avoid such situations (being human) he then responds to my error with a huge downwards mood swing. Your description of your friend rang so many bells!
In recent years he has been on a few sports breaks without me. His messages become more and more wired and anxious and he returns unwell.

As I said to my DD once, yes I accept that I have been the trigger but no I now know I am not the cause.
That’s autism for you!

He’s also a kind and thoughtful person much of the time. Our holidays tend to improve once he’s hit rock bottom or sorted out his medication needs.

I go away with him… he’s my DH… but I wouldn’t go away with a friend who behaves this way.
Maybe stick to day trips?

either limit meetings to day-time events, or try to have a meeting where you ask her why she does it.

Many years ago (1970s) a colleague (Avril and I discussed a holiday to Paris and I was upfront about not wanting to do the tourist thing, having visited several times. Aware that she would be left alone while I visited the fleamarket she invited another friend (Betty) who also invited a friend (Joan).

In principle I had no problem with Joan and Betty as they would be someone for Avril to go around with while I was off on my own. In practice the three of them followed me about like pet lambs. Being the only person who spoke French I was doing all the organizing, arranging and interpreting. I was beginning to feel like an unpaid tour guide and said so.

To cut matters short I went off to the fleamarket for a day. The three went off to see Notre Dame but Joan foolishly left her bag with all her money, travel cheques and passport under the table in a cafe in a rough part of Paris. This involved a visit to the police to get a police report - necessary for insurance and getting replacement passport.

"We could have done with your help Biglouis because we dont speak French" So it was my fault.

Next day I compounded the sin by leaving the three of them to visit the British Embassy without my help to get the replacement passport. Of course you dont need to speak French in the British embassy.

Suffice to say that on the journey back we sat on different seats on the train.

That put me off going on holiday with friends and colleagues. Since then Ive travelled alone and never with a group.

You say your friend suffers with her nerves occasionally. Perhaps she is very sensitive to the changes in her routine when staying away from home ... different sleeping and eating arrangements, room temperatures etc.

Could you ask her if she found your last trip relaxing and if there was anything she would change?

Personally, as I get older, I don't enjoy travelling with friends. I'm set in my ways and find it hard adapting to other people's rhythms!

Well OP, going for days out is very different to effectively "living" with someone, albeit for a few days. By the time you've met her at the cinema or for lunch your friend has got out of bed and eaten her breakfast at a time to suit her. This could be at 6am for all you know! If she lives alone, then she has become accustomed to doing things all her own way.

Also, people with anxiety often have a strong desire to control situations. It ensures (if only in their minds) that nothing erratic or outside their comfort zone occurs. So, breakfast is at 8.30 because they can't cope if it isn't. Hope that makes sense.

Yes, I do have years of experience of this with a particular person who also suffered from anxiety and who, for example, got angry if I left my hotel room if she wasn't ready to leave hers. Not because she was a shrinking violet scared to be alone (quite the opposite), it was all about control.

The obvious advice is to not go on holiday with her but now you've set the bar that could cause a rift. I think you are going to have to suck it up for the sake of your much nicer days out but limit it to a a few days.

Some people are just uncomfortable being away from home. It has nothing to do with you. I find travelling very stressful and can be very crochety. My family are used to it and ignore me until I settle down. I try hard to relax these days but still get quite anxious.

Can you compromise and just do the odd w/e away,or better, local trips..

I think that this is your friend when she is ‘normal’ you usually only see her for a short time when you meet up.
When you are with her for a few days she is being herself, whether that’s nice or crotchety, it’s possibly how she really is.
Avoid holidays together and stay friends who meet up, not friends who holiday together.

I would say no and tell her why in a “jokey” manner and see what she says. Life’s too short to put up with such cr**.

My mother had a friend of long standing who began to behave like that; she moved in with her daughter and son in law, and when they went away for a week without her, absolute hell to pay, my mother agreed to stay with her so she would not be alone, (and to let the D and SiL escape). All was fine until she attended a regular evening committee meeting; when she returned at 10 o'clock the house was in darkness, the door was barred; the phone remained unanswered. So she returned home and re -appeared at 9 am the next morning. The friend pretended she hadn't heard the door or the phone, and no more was said. But she was never asked to stay again, because D and SiL were never allowed to leave her alone again; she insisted in going everywhere with them.

Well there are some odd people about!

Its very different from going with close family. I went with a friend to Prague and she brought her friend who I had not met. This woman got up at 6.00 am and turned all the lights on waking us up. Her reasoning was that as she liked a morning bath she would have it first and leave the bathroom free for us when we got up.
Her main interest in Prague was trying to find a post office so they she could post cards home and when we visited the museum she refused to leave her backpack in the locker like everyone else and waited outside instead.
My friend had already visited the concentration camps so because she didn't want to go again the other lady decided not to go either and I missed out as I didn't want to go on my own.
Be grateful if you have a husband or family to holiday with.

DH and I had an experience like this. We shared a gite in France with DH's good friend and his newish partner. We had met her often and found her to be a charming and interesting person.
However, she more or less wrecked the holiday by finding fault with everything: the gite itself, its situation, the local restaurant, the activities suggested by DH and me... I could go on.
Eventually DH's friend had some words with her, which produced angry tears, heard by us through the bedroom wall. It was horrid for all of us.
Now, many years later, we are still friends, but would not go on holiday together. She admits that she is a perfectionist and finds it hard to put up with disappointing situations. But she has many redeeming qualities and I love her still.

After reading all the replies and considering what could be going on, I do think that it is anxiety which makes it difficult for her to deal with events beyond her control.
She is always the one who books events or most things, of course after discussing with me and I’m fine with this.
I think she has to feel in control, as when we were travelling one holiday, she insisted the hire car wouldn’t need a sat-nav as she had brought a map. The “map” sent us the wrong way lots of times which I found funny as the countryside was beautiful anyway but she was frustrated, fuming and frantic, insisting we find this particular place, while I would have been happy to go with the flow and see where we ended up.
I suggested this to her, to which she petulantly stated that she wanted to visit this particular place and seemed annoyed with me for suggesting anything different.
Luckily, I am pretty easy going so I just let her get on with it but I might have to insist on only two day trips from now on.

I would stick to the casual meetings which seem to work rather well. If she brings up the subject of a holiday (obviously you won't) just say kindly that it hasn't worked well for the pair of you in the past so you don't think it's a good idea.. You are good friends so this shouldn't be a problem if handled with good humour and compassion.

Going on a long weekend was the final nail in the coffin of 40 years of friendship. It was just after lock down finished. During lockdown she had become increasingly paranoid about catching covid, She always was a very fussy , anxious person who was becoming increasingly self centred. One of the purposes of the few days away was because there was so much happening in my life. DH dying, my brother very ill and significant issues with my DD.
It was to give me a bit of respite.
However, from the moment we arrived at the hotel she fussed over everything. Packed, unpacked, repacked her suite case. Was rude to staff. It left me more upset and stressed that I was before.
Thank goodness it was only for 4 days.
When I got home I e mailed her and told her I loved her but I felt she really need to seek help. She never did and sadly remains very hard work according to a mutual friend.

My mother suffered from the most appalling anxiety and OCD and she fell out with three friends on three holidays .
She was very upset and couldn't stop talking about .
I said nothing , but I know how they felt , because I've been through it .
She's ruined some of my holidays .

The thing is - it's your holiday - something that you plan , have to pay for and look forward to .
Instead , it's going to be a holiday of treading on eggshells with her .

Your choices :
Go again and suffer in silence vowing never again !
Read the riot act before you go !
Find someone else to go with .

I really looked forward to holidaying with a friend .
Over the last couple of years : she has never stopped telling me how I feel and what I can do with my life .

I looked forward to a vacation with another friend until I realised that we'd spend our entire holiday in shopping malls looking at things , which you can buy at home and eating in the same cheap cafe every day staying in a cheap hotel - not going anywhere or doing anything .

I'd rather go alone !

I think that your friend has shown her true colours as it's hard to be on your 'best behaviour' when you're with someone 24/7 for a number of days.
If you're happy to continue the friendship with occasional meetings and chats when she's being nice for shorter periods, then continue the meetings but I wouldn't recommend going on holiday or short breaks with her again.

Her behaviour upset you enough to seek GNs opinions and thoughts, so why put yourself through the unnecessary stress of going away with someone who's behaviour is ill mannered, inconsistent and inconsiderate?!

It's your holiday, time and money too and she should be considerate, accommodating and tolerant as you are to her quirks and foibles.

I've also been away with supposed friends before and found their behaviour completely different to that exibited on outings,meet ups,etc.
1 friend even asked me if she could invite her male work friend to join us - only to say whilst we we were away and 3 days before he arrived, that they were actually 'intimate' and more than colleagues!
Needless to say, that persons lies by omission,deceit and unforgivable behaviour has shown her to be a covert narcissist who manipulates people to her advantage.

An old saying springs to mind - familiarity breeds contempt'

I have a very good friend/neighbour but we have never holidayed together. The most we have done is day trips.

She hardly ever takes a holiday because she gets very anxious but in recent years her partner has arranged for them to go on holiday in this country but only with a club he belongs to.

She worries about her animals even though people go in and feed them and she only really relaxes when they are on their way home again.

My husband has his holiday persona which is so much better than his home one. In his head you are happy and relaxed on holiday, so he is

The best thing is to talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and cherish your friendship but can't understand why she's like the way she is while on holiday. Maybe she has more of a routine at home and feels she ought to try to stick to it while away but has conflicting feelings herself.
Tell her you don't have to be with each other 24/7 while away, as no doubt you have some different likes!

Lots of good advise and opinions. I think she’s a control freak ( sorry that’s what there called) and gets frustrated when anything deviates the plans she has in her head. She hasn’t learnt to let go on holiday and enjoy freedom and be spontaneous.

Menopause or change of drugs e.g. HRT? It does sound horribly familiar. Can you ask?