Friend not herself on holidays

Make an escuse and go away alone.
Being away with friends does not always work. We are all used to our own little foibles and nothing will suit everyone be it a group or just two people. This is a holiday that you are paying for and you want to make the best of it.
I always travel by myself. You can do exactly as you please at your own pace and meet lots of new people to chat with.

My husband is on alot of medications some for anxiety heart condition etc and he can be like this on holiday. Especially
for the first couple of days . Then he settles down. It works out better if we go to the same place again. But that's my DH we had good holidays when we were young before he had all these conditions. I would just do the successful meet ups and perhaps a one night stay in a hotel. I do one nights away with my friend of 20 years and one night is enough for me !

It can be very difficult going on holiday with friends, you see a different side of them, almost like a relationship. Compare it with a new boyfriend, you may find getting along fine for dates but a holiday when you’re together for a week or two difficult.
It’s just how people are we all have our own little foibles and routines that may irritate others.

Basically, it's dodgy going on holidays with friends and I believe one is lucky if it goes okay and you remain friends. I've done it a few times. It works well with one couple. My friend likes to find a cafe and sit with her paper, sudoku and crossword (yes, Prague, Amsterdam, Budapest, Riga - always the same, bless her!) while I love to dash about. Our partners sort of fit in around us. We are all very easy going, but I have also had some worse experiences and they have definitely dented the friendship. People get controlling and anxious, and we all look at things in different ways. Best avoid any risk, if you can - it's not always easy to imagine how things will be.

I guess she doesn't féél like herself on holiday so she doesn't behave like herself. Maybe she feels insecure away from her daily surroundings? I wouldn't go with her anymore, just keep up with your regular activities together. If she insists, yes try and explain why you prefer to see her in both your comfort-zones.

Would it work for you and your friend to go away 'together' on a group holiday. Its quite a common thing to do. I have been on several holidays with Exodus, Ramblers and HF and often a couple of friends have been part of the group. I find most people (including me!) are on their best behaviour in a group situation, not wanting to rock the boat or upset other group members. You get to spend a lot of time with your friend, but if they are starting to get on your nerves there are plenty of other people to talk to. Group members tend to sit together for meals so it doesnt matter what time you turn up in the dining room for example.

Suzieque66, sounds like a misunderstanding, or misaligned expectations of what being friends means.
you say she was lovely, and that you bonded.
so maybe if she started going to different things, she would have enjoyed them even more if you went too.
so she assumed you felt the same.
it's not an outlandish assumption in the circumstances.
i think this hint not taking is a very fraught area; what seems obvious to one person may well not have occurred to another.
and hinting or expecting others to take a hint can easily morph into passive aggressive.
in what ways did she make your life a misery?

A number of these post have a similarity
It might be interesting to look up the characteristics of these folk and see what personality types are suggested
I did and it explained a lot at a personal level

I had a lovely friend years ago , she was much older than me . We both had a baby at the same time and bonded but when the children started school I thought that I would be free to widen my horizons but she wouldnt take the hint. She wanted to come to everything I went to and frankly made my life a misery. Why are some people so unaware ?...

I used to have a friend like that. She had been quite poor when little. 40 years later she was always talking about money, she had more than average. What if she bought a thatched cottage... Always comparing notes, see what she might be missing. In the end I had enough and stopped seeing her. I feel so much happier now and enjoy my retirement with a lot of other people friendly, intelligent and excellent company. Her loss

As Ali23 described in her post, it does sound as if this woman might also be showing signs of autistic behaviour.

Having 'nerves' or anxiety and wanting to stick to the 'rules' is a bit of a giveaway. Being away from her comfort zone in a new environment would be likely to bring out all the symptoms that she can 'mask' in her own everyday life.

Whatever it is, she obviously finds it hard to handle being away from home and there is lots of good advice on here about how you could respond to the situation. I hope you can still enjoy her friendship but perhaps limit the holidays!

I’m 75 now and was once a highly social creature with lots of friends. I always tried to make everyone happy; listened to their problems; organised days out etc. Suddenly after lockdown for some reason, I noticed that so called friends were often critical of me and made nasty comments (“only joking”) which hurt deeply.
I now have very few friends and feel better for it. Yes at times it feels lonely but rather that than being left feeling confused and upset by the bitchy attitude of friends.
Is it only me but now as I age, I long for that cabin close by a river or a forest from which to find solitude and contentment?

Menopause or change of drugs e.g. HRT? It does sound horribly familiar. Can you ask?

Lots of good advise and opinions. I think she’s a control freak ( sorry that’s what there called) and gets frustrated when anything deviates the plans she has in her head. She hasn’t learnt to let go on holiday and enjoy freedom and be spontaneous.

The best thing is to talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and cherish your friendship but can't understand why she's like the way she is while on holiday. Maybe she has more of a routine at home and feels she ought to try to stick to it while away but has conflicting feelings herself.
Tell her you don't have to be with each other 24/7 while away, as no doubt you have some different likes!

My husband has his holiday persona which is so much better than his home one. In his head you are happy and relaxed on holiday, so he is

I have a very good friend/neighbour but we have never holidayed together. The most we have done is day trips.

She hardly ever takes a holiday because she gets very anxious but in recent years her partner has arranged for them to go on holiday in this country but only with a club he belongs to.

She worries about her animals even though people go in and feed them and she only really relaxes when they are on their way home again.

I think that your friend has shown her true colours as it's hard to be on your 'best behaviour' when you're with someone 24/7 for a number of days.
If you're happy to continue the friendship with occasional meetings and chats when she's being nice for shorter periods, then continue the meetings but I wouldn't recommend going on holiday or short breaks with her again.

Her behaviour upset you enough to seek GNs opinions and thoughts, so why put yourself through the unnecessary stress of going away with someone who's behaviour is ill mannered, inconsistent and inconsiderate?!

It's your holiday, time and money too and she should be considerate, accommodating and tolerant as you are to her quirks and foibles.

I've also been away with supposed friends before and found their behaviour completely different to that exibited on outings,meet ups,etc.
1 friend even asked me if she could invite her male work friend to join us - only to say whilst we we were away and 3 days before he arrived, that they were actually 'intimate' and more than colleagues!
Needless to say, that persons lies by omission,deceit and unforgivable behaviour has shown her to be a covert narcissist who manipulates people to her advantage.

An old saying springs to mind - familiarity breeds contempt'

My mother suffered from the most appalling anxiety and OCD and she fell out with three friends on three holidays .
She was very upset and couldn't stop talking about .
I said nothing , but I know how they felt , because I've been through it .
She's ruined some of my holidays .

The thing is - it's your holiday - something that you plan , have to pay for and look forward to .
Instead , it's going to be a holiday of treading on eggshells with her .

Your choices :
Go again and suffer in silence vowing never again !
Read the riot act before you go !
Find someone else to go with .

I really looked forward to holidaying with a friend .
Over the last couple of years : she has never stopped telling me how I feel and what I can do with my life .

I looked forward to a vacation with another friend until I realised that we'd spend our entire holiday in shopping malls looking at things , which you can buy at home and eating in the same cheap cafe every day staying in a cheap hotel - not going anywhere or doing anything .

I'd rather go alone !

Going on a long weekend was the final nail in the coffin of 40 years of friendship. It was just after lock down finished. During lockdown she had become increasingly paranoid about catching covid, She always was a very fussy , anxious person who was becoming increasingly self centred. One of the purposes of the few days away was because there was so much happening in my life. DH dying, my brother very ill and significant issues with my DD.
It was to give me a bit of respite.
However, from the moment we arrived at the hotel she fussed over everything. Packed, unpacked, repacked her suite case. Was rude to staff. It left me more upset and stressed that I was before.
Thank goodness it was only for 4 days.
When I got home I e mailed her and told her I loved her but I felt she really need to seek help. She never did and sadly remains very hard work according to a mutual friend.

I would stick to the casual meetings which seem to work rather well. If she brings up the subject of a holiday (obviously you won't) just say kindly that it hasn't worked well for the pair of you in the past so you don't think it's a good idea.. You are good friends so this shouldn't be a problem if handled with good humour and compassion.

After reading all the replies and considering what could be going on, I do think that it is anxiety which makes it difficult for her to deal with events beyond her control.
She is always the one who books events or most things, of course after discussing with me and I’m fine with this.
I think she has to feel in control, as when we were travelling one holiday, she insisted the hire car wouldn’t need a sat-nav as she had brought a map. The “map” sent us the wrong way lots of times which I found funny as the countryside was beautiful anyway but she was frustrated, fuming and frantic, insisting we find this particular place, while I would have been happy to go with the flow and see where we ended up.
I suggested this to her, to which she petulantly stated that she wanted to visit this particular place and seemed annoyed with me for suggesting anything different.
Luckily, I am pretty easy going so I just let her get on with it but I might have to insist on only two day trips from now on.

DH and I had an experience like this. We shared a gite in France with DH's good friend and his newish partner. We had met her often and found her to be a charming and interesting person.
However, she more or less wrecked the holiday by finding fault with everything: the gite itself, its situation, the local restaurant, the activities suggested by DH and me... I could go on.
Eventually DH's friend had some words with her, which produced angry tears, heard by us through the bedroom wall. It was horrid for all of us.
Now, many years later, we are still friends, but would not go on holiday together. She admits that she is a perfectionist and finds it hard to put up with disappointing situations. But she has many redeeming qualities and I love her still.

Its very different from going with close family. I went with a friend to Prague and she brought her friend who I had not met. This woman got up at 6.00 am and turned all the lights on waking us up. Her reasoning was that as she liked a morning bath she would have it first and leave the bathroom free for us when we got up.
Her main interest in Prague was trying to find a post office so they she could post cards home and when we visited the museum she refused to leave her backpack in the locker like everyone else and waited outside instead.
My friend had already visited the concentration camps so because she didn't want to go again the other lady decided not to go either and I missed out as I didn't want to go on my own.
Be grateful if you have a husband or family to holiday with.

Well there are some odd people about!