Need strategies to deal with ex-DIL

As you'll be selling could you not look for something in the area she wants that has a proper granny annexe, so whichever of you gets the annexe has their own kitchen and bathroom so doesn't need yo be in and out of the main house every day?!
That way, you'll still be together with that little bit of distance to let each have their own space.
And that would give both your DS & ex-DiL space for if they meet new partners!
And DGS can still come and go between you.
Or, somewhere in the same neighbourhood.
At least then she still has family to help.

I certainly hope to remain as cordial as possible. Not only to insure that she is still okay with her son seeing me - I am his only grandparent because her mom died many years ago, she never knew her father (her mom had an affair with him while he was married to someone else and she was the product of that relationship and he has no idea she even exists) and my DH is dead - but also because I genuinely like her. Not sure it’s mutual! Another thing is that she feels that as DGS gets older it’s more confusing and murky for him to have divorced parents who still live together.

Well, you've had a tough time over the past few years, Nanamar but I can understand why your DIL needs to do this.

I hope you can maintain a good relationship.

I think she has been withdrawing and moving on.for a while and the school.has been the tipping point. Look on the move (you say you will have to sell up)as a new chapter in your life. Who knows what lies ahead? Daunting but exciting.

I’ve not ruled out that she may be looking for or already found someone to date. I knew if she or my son did so this living situation would be too awkward. My son and I will continue to live together because due to his mental health and its impact upon his employment he is just not solvent. The plan is to stay in proximity to wherever she lands so they can continue to share custody and co-parent and DGS can continue to see DS and myself frequently.

Yes exactly

No I’m definitely not funding her move. She has been able to make a minimal contribution to the mortgage - this is a very expensive place to live. My understanding from what she said is that she will cover the portion of her eventual rent that her salary won’t support by having her sister co-sign as a guarantor.

Big life changes are usually a challenge - we lose something (the way things have been) but we also gain something (how things will be in future). I do feel for you and there is a lot of good advice here, and I hope you can do all you can to understand your ex DIL's situation, and stay as friendly as you can while respecting her boundaries. This may mean you (and your son) can reflect on who you are, how you might gain new strength through how you manage what you now do and how you frame the way you see it, and you may find you can open new doors to new more fulfilling ways to live. I am not saying any of this is easy - but it is the life you now have and I wish you well on your journey. We are all work in progress!

Babamaman

I can’t understand why she makes no contributions financially but can afford to move out & get her own place?
I hope you’re not finding this move for her!
You’ll be fine once you’ve found a smaller place, you’ll make a different relationship with your grandson and now start living your life for you!
Let the shackles of your DL go.
It’ll be fine

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1289607-Are-we-really-only-as-happy-as-our-saddest-child

It all sounds very sad and I can understand, perhaps, why the DIL wishes to move on.
I'm sure, given space, she and DGS will still remain part of their lives.

so when the property is sold and assets divided, will you continue living with your son ?
presumably, both parents aim to find a place reasonably near the preferred school ?

Babamaman

I can’t understand why she makes no contributions financially but can afford to move out & get her own place?
I hope you’re not finding this move for her!
You’ll be fine once you’ve found a smaller place, you’ll make a different relationship with your grandson and now start living your life for you!
Let the shackles of your DL go.
It’ll be fine

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1318052-Unusual-living-situation-does-anyone-know-of-a-similar-one

Nanamar told us previously that they all moved from east to west coast and own a third of the property each.

According to what you’ve written your son is not taking this as hard as you are. As long as he will stay concerned and engaged with your GS, you will have a roll in this transition too, I just know. Do not fret. It will work out.

Your roll is to concentrate on your own welfare. House hunting takes a lot of time and concentration. Life goes on for everyone. There will be many positives for you too. Stay focused and not too overbearing or inquisitive.

Babamaman

I can’t understand why she makes no contributions financially but can afford to move out & get her own place?
I hope you’re not finding this move for her!
You’ll be fine once you’ve found a smaller place, you’ll make a different relationship with your grandson and now start living your life for you!
Let the shackles of your DL go.
It’ll be fine

I can’t understand why she makes no contributions financially but can afford to move out & get her own place?

In previous threads, I think Nanamar said they all contributed one-third to the multi-dwelling property they now own.
Thst is why they need to sell, to release the DIL's equity in the property.

Maybe she’s met someone?

Nothing stays the same forever. Your ex DiL is just that, ex, abd oribabky wants to live her life as she pleases. You have certainly helped her with accommodation but had you not been in a position to do so where would she have been be living? Perhaps up to now the inevitable has been postponed. Be polite, try to maintain a relationship albeit a changed one especially for your GS.

I can’t understand why she makes no contributions financially but can afford to move out & get her own place?
I hope you’re not finding this move for her!
You’ll be fine once you’ve found a smaller place, you’ll make a different relationship with your grandson and now start living your life for you!
Let the shackles of your DL go.
It’ll be fine

Yes Mamasperspective. I thought that too. She may already have met someone.
Hope it works out for you all.

Divorce is tough all round. I do feel for you. Your exDIL will probably want to start dating again , and it will be quite awkward with the present living arrangements. Just give her your blessings and hope you and your son can continue to have a good relationship with the little boy

greenlady102

You may not want to hear this but had you thought she might want to start dating again? That would be pretty much impossible living with ex partner and ex mil and very hard to discuss.

I would have thought that was quite possible and quite a reasonable thing for her to want to do as I believe she and the OP's son are divorced.

The young woman is having to live in a time warp, she is trapped.

Whilst I understand the pain and upset this will cause your son, I think she is probably doing the right thing for all of you in the long run. Eventually this sort of arrangement would lead to a crossing of boundaries and things might have got even worse.
Her apparent lack of affection and keeping away from you is probably her way of putting some distance between you whilst things are worked out. She will no doubt realise how difficult it will be for you and may be trying to minimise the feeling of walking on eggshells. My advice would be to tell her that you quite understand that things have to move on, that you hold her in high regard still and wish her well in her future plans. I suspect that once everything settles down in your new world order, absence will make her heart grow fonder.

As for not seeing your grandchild everyday, that is going to sting for a while but it is a more normal relationship and you can make the time with him special. He would eventually get to the stage where he would distance himself naturally so once you are resettled, start making time for you and a social life.

I can understand how you are feeling OP but I think you have to allow everyone to move forward with their lives . The way you have all dealt with the situation has been to admired and so lovely for your GS but it wasn't ever going to last for ever.
I suspect, possibly, the reason your DIL is appearing somewhat withdrawn from you is the fact she may very well know how upsetting it is for you and maybe she feels guilty about doing this ? I am also wondering if she has met someone else , hence the need for her own space 🤔 all totally understandable. Things never remain the same after a divorce. Keep the door always open to her and I am sure it will work out. I wish you all much happiness wherever this leads you 💐

*not being dramatically reduced

You may not want to hear this but had you thought she might want to start dating again? That would be pretty much impossible living with ex partner and ex mil and very hard to discuss.

She's your ex DIL so she wants distance to have her own life which is completely understandable. She can't move on and hope to find happiness with someone else if she is in such close proximity to you and your son (and that includes emotionally too)

The only thing you can do is tell her you will miss her (don't just make it about your grandchild, show her she's valued too) and ask if there's anything you can do to help support her transition into her new place. That way you have done everything you can to be kind and supportive and foster a positive relationship. You could maybe even offer to take her for lunch or a coffee and some cake before she moves out to spend time with her before the actual move (while your son looks after his child)

That way you stand the best chance of your contact with your grandchild being dramatically reduced (as she will be busy with her own life setting up home)

Thank you for responding to my question Nanamar, I can understand this apparent sudden and drastic change being overwhelming for you .