Demanding neighbour

So if they are kind to her and she has nobody else I feel that even if she is paying for their holidays I would feel better about it.

Every day is a real commitment!

Eek noooo! I don't want these people to give up POA. Actually I think they're almost ready to take a stance. 🤞

Seriously think that Adult Social Care should be involved - sooner rather than later.

I have been through this.

First. -change your phone number. Do it now.
Second.- inform the people with POA exactly what you've written here.
Third - contact social services so there is an official record

I was in a position where I had to pretend that I wasn't home. It was harassment.
It prevented me and my family from peaceful enjoyment of our home.

The other serious issue is that something could happen. She could fall, cause a fire, anything. This is not your responsibility. If you have been acting as her unofficial carers then you could get sucked into something.

I am speaking from experience.

I work with elderly people and the best thing you can do is contact adult social services and raise a safeguarding concern. The number for your local office is easily found, just Google 'social services' and your county. The process is quick and straightforward.

You're right, it shouldn't be your concern but you're clearly are concerned. There often comes a point when an elderly person is no longer capable of making the right decisions and that's when ASC steps in.

Good luck. 🙂

Anyone can make a referral. Adult Care will step in and do an assessment on her. If she doesn't have capacity then POA can step in if health POA is involved. She may be eligible for a care home or input from home carers. My mother is 98, impaired sight. Hard of hearing and was constantly going to or ringing her neighbour. Assessment was made. Mum now has carers going in 3x a day plus meals on wheels.

I had the same problem with a 92 year old step cousin.She was very compos mentis , but manipulative and incredibly nasty at times. She has a son who lives abroad and perked up no end when he arrived so yes lonliness was a big factor. Myself,unwell grandson of 50 and several of her neighbours looked after her between us through lockdown, but she got increasingly demanding and unreasonable,calling neighbours or me at all hours ( once to prune a plant that was annoying her she- told me it was 'very urgent'! )I got worn out and my health deteriorated so I took a huge step back.The neighbours were trying to do the same,it was left mainly to the grandson who has major heart trouble,so she did end up paying carers and was just as unpleasant with them mainly cos she had to pay for the service! Eventually after a few falls and broken bones- she still expected neighbours and close family to rally round her in the middle of the night- she begged to go into a home,but as soon as she was in a good local one,wanted to come back home as she couldn't order people about and put her demands for instant attention and jobs to be done on the staff there.When I last went to see her,she had hit one of the staff 5 minutes before then told me to bu**er off in no uncertain terms.
So please harden your hearts ,if someone has POA and I assume they are relatives,leave it to them.I hope I keep my cousins behaviour in my mind and never turn into her!

Thanks Kowl I'm not even her informal carer just her neighbour. I've been discussing it with other neighbours and we all agree. We'll need to take a very hard line with the people who have her POA. She's up in the night opening and slamming shut her front door at 3am etc. it can't go on.
In the meantime I don't pick up the phone if it's her. If she leaves one of her passive aggressive messages I respond in writing with a clear note outlining what she should do. I'm just not engaging with her.

I think there is very good advice from other posters re care and social services,but it's not your place to do it.

Tink75

Adult care Social Services will come out if you ring them.

If the woman won’t accept carers - and if she’s still officially deemed to have capacity - then TBH there’s sod all Social Services can do. You can arrange them all you like, but it’s not going to be any use if the person won’t let them in, or sends them packing after the first day.
Can you tell I’m speaking from experience here? 🙁

I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes all you can do is withdraw to some extent, until she either a) accepts the need for paid help, or b) some sort of crisis occurs.

I agree that there does seem to be a safeguarding issue here, in which case anyone who is concerned can contact social services.
Obviously, the people with the PoA would be the right ones, but Aveline, as a neighbour would also be an appropriate person, having spoken with the holders of the PoA.

That's a really good idea, they have the POA so should be able to put addtional support for her maybe via social services.

Aveline, you are obviously a good and kind neighbour or you wouldn’t be showing this concern but I agree that this poor soul is not your responsibility.
We come to a point in life where our responsibilities are behind us. Our children are adults, our grandchildren the joy that goes home at the end of the day. No work related worries and hopefully for most of us not too many money worries.
Our home, whether house, bungalow or flat should be our happy place, a safe and private haven to enjoy uninterrupted peace and quiet.
Take the advice given , contact social services, talk to the couple that have taken on POA and then close your front door, pour a glass of something nice and breathe.

Contact Social.Services elder care team and raise a safeguarding concern, they will visit and assess needs, but if she is deemed to have capacity to make decisions they can't move her against her will. Hard as it is you need to stop helping unless it's a genuine emergency, she needs more can than you can prob offer

Of course as a close-by neighbour you can be at hers faster in case of an emergency but it's still not your responsability to watch over here, nor to stay home in case she (thinks she) needs you. My own 90year old neighbour is,a very dear friend, like a mother to me, but she has ner own 4 children and their families. They know I keep an eye out for her, and can be reached when needed, but I'm not included in the decision making, nor would I want to. She did call us for help when she discouvered a homeless person asleep on her porch, but for a dishwasher or such she would call her son.

Please approach Social Services for help.

I had this with my neighbour. What started as ‘would you mind getting me a loaf at the shops please?’ ended up in 13 years caring for her almost full time.

It broke me at one point (mentally) but I felt very sad for her as she had no family left in the world. And she played on that.

I contacts SS because I didn’t want to be doing personal care for her. My eyes were fully opened when she called me a coward for not wanting to clean her up after an explosive incontinence attack (where she wouldn’t use pants, pads, or incontinence drawers!) I’m sure you can imagine 🫣

That was the final straw. I told her I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t care for her - it wasn’t my place to be doing that. And she could either have carers come in to help her and keep me as a friend, or I would walk away.

It was harsh but I had to do it. I was never home, and when I was she was calling me 30 times a day. My own family could see her manipulative and narcissistic ways - but no one else could - as she was so sweet to everyone else who she saw, but was vile to me at times.

She had carers twice a day, then 3 times a day as her mobility deteriorated.

She sadly died last July aged 84, (story for another day) and to be brutally honest I’ve just this year started getting MY LIFE back. Could never do much before as she’d always make me feel guilty for going out or going on holiday.

And I was her POA and her next of kin, but she was of sound mind and everything still had to be her decision.

You can even call SS anonymously and explain things to them, and not give your name but just say you’re her neighbour.

You need to get out asap before you end up like I did.

Good luck 🤞🏼

Oh how I feel for you. I have had a similar experience. We had a gentleman neighbour who was well educated but useless. He was born in Birkenhead , lived in London, took early retirement to live in North Wales. My husband helped with all the little DIY jobs, etc. he wasn't a well man and was frequently in and out of hospital.

My husband died over ten years ago, I carried on helping him when and where ever. Took him shopping, hospital appointments etc. Since pandemic he became a total recluse living in one room etc. He ended up with carers ( who eventually withdrew because he was so rude to a point of being vile!) He is so manipulative and it was like being drawn into a spider's web.
a couple of years ago he was constantly calling ambulance as many as eleven in a week. He was phoning me from as early as 6. 00am. he is so selfish and extremely ungrateful. Totally demanding and it was instant demands.

It turns out he lived in a fantasy world. He was one of ten children . Totally ashamed because he was born in Birkenhead. Never admitted this to anyone. He left the area as soon as was possible, only acknowledged one sister.

Two years ago he needed a hospital bed etc. He suddenly acknowledged a niece ( he wouldn't admit she was his niece.) She now has his POA but he has mental capacity so she can do very little. Twelve months ago she got him into a home just down the road from her. How she regrets this! Her life is not her own he demands her there every day. She takes him out , takes him to her home etc. As they say much wants more! He made no effort to settle in the home. Extremely, rude to the staff.

Two weeks ago he moved in to an apartment in supported living ( which is a huge mistake!) His niece had done everything to make it home. He has carers but won't use them insists that his niece take care of him. She dug her heels in and said she would only visit once or twice a week. Surprise, surprise he ended up in hospital a few days ago. He can do some Oscar winning performances. he used to decide he would go into hospital for a week to be looked after!!

It is so sad that these type of people take advantage of kindness

You can report this to social services as a safeguarding matter.

Get this sorted out quickly. You are not responsible for her and she has no right to treat you like this.
We had an elderly neighbour who we did nearly everything for for many years. She relied on us for all her needs unless she chose to drive out somewhere to go for a walk!
For NO reason, one day my husband called round as he usually did and she flew off the handle at him, accused us of all sorts, it was a nightmare situation. We had put off moving for several years because we felt bad about leaving her; oh what a mistake! We never did find out what made her turn but her family said she had been kind to us for much longer than anyone else, she had always been a very difficult and unpleasant person, as the mood took her. Please don't ruin your life for a neighbour. It's not worth it. Maintain boundaries.

I'm hardly in a position to offer any advice.

Just try and nip everything in advance, as soon as you can.

DD and SiL had this with a neighbour. He assured social services he could manage as he had good neighbours. Of course, it came to the point that they were being run ragged looking after him, picking him up when he fell etc etc. Eventually the situation resolved itself when SiL had to work abroad for a year and the whole family went with him. The old man had to go into residential care and died while the family was away.

Sadly, a lot of time it is down to cost and availability of affordable care, that older folks are stuck, and somewhat isolated in their own homes.
I see people say they can afford it, but money soon runs out when you are talking of up to £1,500 a week. It is a minefield getting council care places or funding for private.
I was lucky that my neighbour worked in the NHS and knew how to walk through the 17 page form - right at the back is a one liner about the criteria that meant I did not have to find the info for 14 of the previous pages!!.

I had POA for finances for an elderly aunt, who was in similar circumstances.
She relied on neighbours who were being called out day and night by lifeline. She refused carers saying she could ' manage' and didn't want to pay .
Eventually I actioned PoA and family took her to see residential homes . With firm persuasion and much to relief of her neighbours,we got her into a home.
I live 30 miles away so couldn't drop everything to go each time she demanded help..so thankfully neighbours took the load for 2 years.
It was sad as she was never happy in the residential home and anger constantly directed at myself and my sister for moving her.

It does sound like a “ best interest meeting” should be organised, so that everyone can come together who is involved; POA, the lady herself, social worker, district nurse if they are involved, so that everyone can be honest about their concerns with this lady. Often neighbours begin helping with good intentions, but as the needs grow and become more complicated risk assessments need to be considered and honest discussions should take place. You cannot expect this lady to make a fully informed and considered decision, if she is not aware that you are struggling to support her. Hope it goes well and a safe resolve can be found.

If only it was so easy to convene such a meeting! Getting all these people together at the same time is impossible. The old lady won't accept carers and won't consider moving. She may well be assessed as having capacity so can't be moved against her will. Meantime what could happen?!