They don't really care do they

Learnt as a child you can’t rely on anyone but yourself but I do think some friends and my sons would support me - my sister , as proven too busy .

Unfortunately we can’t choose our sister-in-laws,pity.Anyway
good to know,now you don’t need to worry about them & can join a few things & maybe spend more time with your true friends.You can be busy sometimes when your husband is going—— true friends are what makes the world go round.
Hope you feel much better & will be fighting fit soon.Actually quite a few people can’t handle illness & run a mile,no compassion.

I bet they do care, they are busy people maybe you haven't made a 'fuss' - I care about friends but time goes so fast and I'm so busy that if my friend were having a quick procedure I would (hopefully) mark it in my desk diary, to send a well-wishing text, otherwise I would definitely forget.

That’s such a shame - people just don’t think. But that’s no excuse

Let's hope they are allowing a month to pass, before they contact you, because they don't want to crowd you. What about your own family and contacts? They matter more.

Speaking from personal experience, I prefer play down any medical stuff I have going on and, if anything, avoid telling anyone or discussing it. People know better than to ask. What impression do you give out? Some ex medical professionals carry a sort of barrier to avoid speaking of personal issues or vulnerability and you may be projecting this sort of thing. If they really are uncaring then get out there and start making new friends, I think.

I think we have very few friends, most are just acquaintances.

Before my DH went into a nursing home he used to do a lot of voluntary gardening around our village. No one bothers to get in touch to ask after him or me for that matter.

Having said that, they would have no scruples in getting in touch if they wanted to borrow something or need a lift.

I have not found it easy to make new friends, have no rellies and an estranged DD so it can be a lonely, disappointing life. I dread the day I get ill.

When our teenage nephew died of leukemia some years ago, one of my sisters didn't once visit him in hospital as 'it would upset her'. I could have cheerfully slapped her. What that poor boy went through was horrendous. I visited every day he was in there in my lunch hour. His parents needed support. My other sisters and our husbands went every night. Did she think we weren't upset regularly walking into a children's cancer ward and seeing things we never thought we'd see? Horrible selfish woman.

I have been going through cancer treatment since last year and have been saddened by some friends who have not even phoned. I know people can feel awkward over what to say but it is still upsetting. Best wishes to you.

foxie48

Well your SIL has form, so forget about her. Do people know? You might have told friends but people are quite forgetful. I recently had a serious accident, my husband didn't tell people, even our daughter didn't know until the evening and she was furious. However, I did message a few once I was feeling well enough and suddenly as word got round, friends starting messaging, sending cards and a couple visited me in hospital, others came once I was home. Left to my dear husband, I would have thought no-one cared about me but they did. Goodness knows what will happen when I "pop off" OH is hopeless, he didn't even tell his sister and without wishing to be dramatic, I nearly DIED! Don't feel sorry for yourself, message a friend or two and let them know you're ready to receive visitors.

Good grief!Poor you, what a scenario.😲
I agree and think the OP needs to grill her DH as to what he told his circle of friends.
At the same time I also think the OP needs to forget about people who are uncaring about her welfare and just be distantly polite to them.Then try and meet people she genuinely likes.

There are still some places where people care about their neighbours and friends. Our WI and village are marvellous for looking after people, bringing flowers, making sure there are phone calls and helping with shopping, visiting etc. Maybe it depends on where you live.
I wouldn't expect my DH's friends to particularly call or visit me unless I had made particular friendships with them myself, going out on trips with the women etc. I have a wide circle of my own friends, and regard his as accessories!
But I'm sorry this has happened to the OP, it is upsetting.

They are unkind and lazy! No excuses.
Don’t be so quick to give them advice next time.
Spend time with your lot. They sound like you - thoughtful and lovely xxx

Ps get well soon and no more housework yet

Ive just come across this thread and hope you’re making a good recovery. It’s painful to realise that people aren’t what you thought. I agree with whats been said, leave them all and make some new connections of your own when you’re up to it. Im going through something similar with my adult children. All communication initiated by me, all meetings up arranged by me and paid for by me. They have busy complicated lives and certainly need help, but I wish it wasn’t mainly financial and so one sided. This Mother’s Day I ensured my daughter had a gift delivered on the day from her young daughter as she and her partner have split and I wasn’t sure she would get anything. I received one pre printed card from one of my 3 children. Nothing from the others.
Incidentally i don't drive and they all do but never offer to pick me up or come to me unless they and partners and children are all invited . Thats alot for me and my husband is arguing I should do as suggested to OP, but they aren’t his children. Life’s complicated sometimes!

And if husbands family ask for medical advice- just say "oh im really not qualified for that" or if you are then try " im not at liberty to advise due to patient/data protection"- whichever is appropriate.

This is so hurtful and its no wonder you're feeling sorry for yourself. I have also been in this position and its difficult when you are a caring person and you realise others aren't the same. Please take this as a learning curve and treat them accordingly. Sending you hugs. Wish you were my friend- I'd look after you 😊

What a selfish egotistical society we have become…and even more so over the last few years. It is pointless to say don’t take it personally because anyone would but actually I think it’s more that they’re all so caught up in their own little lives that they just can’t expend any extra energy in caring about others unless it’s completely unavoidable.
Theres also the issue of people thinking you’re the one who helps rather than them helping you. I can relate to this and you may want to dial back a bit on that even if it comes naturally to you…when you’re well just don’t be as available. I’m afraid that it’s no longer a case of getting back what you give out….
Pamper yourself today….and tomorrow..,and as long as you need, to feel well again.

Hope you get well..As for the 'friends' DONT be available to give them advice, visit them in or out of hospital etc.

I suggest when you are feeling better hopefully soon get yourself out and about. With family and people you do consider close make arrangements to go out with them. It could be a coffee lunch out garden centre whatever.

Now spring is here you will brighten up and it can be a new start do what you want to do. You don’t have to follow your DH friends do your own thing and most importantly enjoy yourself.

It sounds like your husband’s side of the family are the difficult ones! Your siblings and your children seem attentive. I don’t remember OH’s family (there weren’t many of them and they’re dead now anyway) taking much notice of what I was doing concerning work or health.
Get well soon.

You don't have a sad life notanaturalblonde as you have family who care about you. Just don't expect much from your husband's friends. Concentrate on getting fully well again. Things may look different when you are back to your usual self.

Agree with many others - time to develop your own interests and friendships. You can still be the 'add-on' if you want sometimes to support your husband, just as he may be the add-on' when meeting up with your friends. But having people you have something in common with to meet up with gives a whole new dimension to life - and you never know who you will forge a bond with. Some may become friends and some will remain acquaintances but at least you won't be your husband's shadow.

notanaturalblonde

It's really hard for me to disengage from them due to my husband. Some are his family and the friends, he has known them for 40 years or more.

Then let him do th contacting.

I'm sorry these people haven't contacted you. And being ill you probably feel a bit low. I wouldn't contact them first. Develop your own friends, U3A, check the local library for things like knitting and natter , charities, churches,. Then you won't need them so much. Become independent!
Sometimes people just don't want our friendship, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. Let them go.
I hope you continue to recover. Take it easy. 💐

Get well soon
It seems they only want you when they need something.
Don't bother with them.

I'd stick with your siblings and children.. just keep contact with people who really care