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They don't really care do they

(75 Posts)
notanaturalblonde Mon 25-Mar-24 10:08:56

I had surgery 3 weeks ago. It was a routine keyhole surgery and I am still recovering.

None of my friends or in-law family have asked how I am, not once. No messages or phone calls.

Now I have a medical background and I'm the first one they contact for any advice (which is usually "see your GP"). I visit when any of them have been in hospital and I visit once they are home.

The friends are friends through my husband but we have been together for well over 20 years, and they will tell others that we are friends.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today. They just don't care do they.

welbeck Mon 25-Mar-24 10:17:47

now is the time to expand your horizons, find new friends, or at least social contacts.
this lot are the original fair-weather friends.
and use you as a source of information.
next time they try it, just sound vague and say, i don't know, i need help myself actually.

pably15 Mon 25-Mar-24 10:17:56

I hope you are recovering well from your surgery, a phone call or get well card would have been nice, just to show they care. take care of yourself, your friends are perhaps just giving you time ,and will contact you soon..

Elegran Mon 25-Mar-24 10:19:45

They may all have been leaving you in peace to convalesce. Try emailing or texting one of them with a shortish message on the lines of "Phew, it is good to get that surgery done! but now I am recovered and I'm feeling bored and fit to get back into things again. How is life in the outside world? any thing exciting happening?"

welbeck Mon 25-Mar-24 10:23:10

no. OP is right; they don't care. never did.
it's just that now that she is not actively useful to them, she has the space to see it.
and reconsider. realign her interests, energy, attention.
we have to stand back from the picture to make sense of it.
good luck OP. don't dwell on it.
you can strike out in new directions.

Kate1949 Mon 25-Mar-24 10:27:26

I hope you continue to recover. I agree with welbeck. This is why I don't do the whole 'friends' thing.

notanaturalblonde Mon 25-Mar-24 10:33:25

Thank you everyone. Maybe a bit of background to expand. My SIL has form for "forgetting" to invite me to family/friends things. They all knew the date of the surgery. I thought we were quite a close group but I think I have realised that my husband is part of their close group and I am just an add on.

Over the last few years I tried to engage with them, a message asking how they are etc and they would reply and we would have a short message conversation. I wouldn't hear from them again (unless they needed information or help) until I would send another message.

Sparklefizz Mon 25-Mar-24 10:37:54

notanaturalblonde I'm sorry you have now seen your "friends" for who they are. You deserve better.

I hope you continue to make a good recovery, and when you feel up to it think about making new friends.

I have a "friend" I've known for 50 years and it only occurred to me about 5 years ago that it was always me who made all the running. I decided to wait for her to get in touch for a change and yes.... you guessed it .... she doesn't. We still exchange birthday and Xmas cards but I don't particularly think of her as a good friend any more.

Get well soon. flowers

fancythat Mon 25-Mar-24 10:40:20

Oh that is a shame.
Not nice to find that out.

Theexwife Mon 25-Mar-24 10:54:21

They are not friends, just people that you know.

There are often posts where people are angry or disappointed when not contacted or included in family events, it is worth thinking about who makes all the contact and arrangements and if it is you then stop for a while, if you dont hear from them then it is best to assume you are not as liked as you thought and move on, nobody can like or want to spend time with everyone and they cannot be made to.

notanaturalblonde Mon 25-Mar-24 10:56:25

It's really hard for me to disengage from them due to my husband. Some are his family and the friends, he has known them for 40 years or more.

Philippa111 Mon 25-Mar-24 11:02:25

It's true, sometimes people are so busy with their own lives they forget to nurture their friendships. As I get older I have to put reminders in my phone about various friends and their needs otherwise I can genuinely forget. It doesn't mean I don't love them... just that I am getting forgetful.

I know we would like others to remember us and show they are caring but perhaps you could take the risk of asking them for some input... a visit, a chat, bring a meal , a bit of shopping etc. or just come over and wash a few dishes.
If you are used to be in the care-taking role, you need to reverse that.
I would give them the opportunity to be of help....and if they don't, well you need to find new friends and definitely stop being the supporter in their lives if there is no reciprocation. You are not their (unpaid) counsellor!

I hope you feel better soon, surgery can leave us feeling low and pretty grim. Big hugs!

M0nica Mon 25-Mar-24 11:02:33

NNB You talk of these people as family and friends of your DH. Do you not have any family and friends of your own?

If not, then perhaps, you should come out from under your DH's shadow and develop your own friendship circle. Find things to do locally that you enjoy - any thing from Knit and natter to University of the third age, volunteer with a charity, it doesn't ave to be limited to working in a charity shop..

foxie48 Mon 25-Mar-24 11:03:33

Well your SIL has form, so forget about her. Do people know? You might have told friends but people are quite forgetful. I recently had a serious accident, my husband didn't tell people, even our daughter didn't know until the evening and she was furious. However, I did message a few once I was feeling well enough and suddenly as word got round, friends starting messaging, sending cards and a couple visited me in hospital, others came once I was home. Left to my dear husband, I would have thought no-one cared about me but they did. Goodness knows what will happen when I "pop off" OH is hopeless, he didn't even tell his sister and without wishing to be dramatic, I nearly DIED! Don't feel sorry for yourself, message a friend or two and let them know you're ready to receive visitors.

Smileless2012 Mon 25-Mar-24 11:05:48

I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself notanaturalblonde, I hope these flowers will cheer you up a little.

As it wont be easy for you to disengage, think about lowering your expectations and accepting that these people just aren't as thoughtful and considerate as you are.

I do like Wellbeck's suggestion about being vague with your responses to requests for information, especially I don't know, I need help myself actually.

I'd certainly give that a try and when you're feeling better, think about joining a new group or organisation where hopefully you'll find people who know what it means to be a friend.

Primrose53 Mon 25-Mar-24 11:06:05

Nasty people and you don’t need that right now. Get your strength back and start doing new things without them!

I am so thankful to have some really good friends and we all look out for each other. Friendship works both ways and I know if one of them is unwell I am straight in touch and they are the same for me.

zakouma66 Mon 25-Mar-24 11:15:38

I read this a lot and have been on the receiving end myself. I think theres change in society and habits and it impacts our ability to have meaningful and kind relationships.

I often think of my mother and her network of support. If she missed Church, somebody would call round, phone or bring flowers. Regular coffees with friends, volunteering regularly, the WI and the Guild. Neighbours keeping an eye.

All gone this way of life. Is it Social Media, the pandemic? I don't know, things seem to have changed.
Everybody can't be busy all the time surely?

Hoping for a full recovery and brighter days ahead OP.

pascal30 Mon 25-Mar-24 11:23:55

Surely your husband should be the one to rally them around you at this time.. does he support you? If he doesn't then I would join any group which really interests you.. there you should find new friends who you have interests in common with.. a surer basis for a true friendship

Doodledog Mon 25-Mar-24 11:58:52

We are all different when it comes to illness. Some want to have visitors and others really don't. It can be difficult to know what people would prefer. Also, there are those who are scared of illness, or of saying the wrong thing to someone who is unwell.

Having said that, a message to ask how you are, a Get Well Soon card or similar wouldn't be difficult, and few would find that interfering or intrusive.

I agree with Elegran that a message saying that you are now up to receiving visitors could be a good way forward. I certainly don't think that your friends are nasty people or that they don't care about you. I think it would be a mistake to cut people off, although it never does any harm to widen our social circles to include more people. I do understand your hurt though, and hope you get well soon. flowers

Kate1949 Mon 25-Mar-24 12:00:34

Our daughter had a close friend of over 20 years. I couldn't take to this girl for reasons I won't go into here. She eventually let DD down and they are no longer friends which was devastating for DD. My family (well most of them) are the only people I would ever rely on.

biglouis Mon 25-Mar-24 12:07:28

Ive always found health one of the most boring and stressful subjects to speak about. I had a mother who was a hypochondriac. As a child it was like walking on eggshells every family day out, get together and big occasion as mum was sure to kick off with one of her wobblers. She did have some things genuinely wrong with her and boy did she make sure you knew it. She revelled in the attention of doctors, nurses and anyne who would listen. When she had to go into hospital you would think she was planning a Caribbean cruise. She would sit by the phone and ring every member of the family to make sure they heard the news. And if you were out she would ring, and Ring and RING.

My sister and I went the other way. We avoid hospitals, doctors and discissions about ailments like the plague and any discussion of health.

Delia22 Mon 25-Mar-24 12:21:20

The op,s post is genuinely sad. But nowadays,people are just so busy with their own lives,some just don't have the time or energy for anyone outside their immediate circle. Not that it,s to be excused.It doesn't take much time out of anyone's life to make a quick phone call. Some just don't think it,s important!!

sodapop Mon 25-Mar-24 12:31:01

Hope your recovery goes well notanaturalblonde I'm sorry your friends and family have been less than supportive. Time to cool off with them once you are better, just don't engage as much as you once did.
I agree with Smileless about starting with new groups and hobbies when you are well. Get well soon thanks

notanaturalblonde Mon 25-Mar-24 12:35:35

Thank you everyone, lots to think about here.

My husband has mentioned the odd thing to his friends and family and then I get a call or a message (this was a couple of years ago) but only the one call or message and then it goes back to me making the first move. I've given up reaching out now.

This has been going on for years prior to my surgery.

My siblings are great, checking in and asking how I am regularly. My children check in all the time, even prior to the surgery.

I know I am wallowing in self-pity a bit. My recovery isn't going as well as I thought. I think I overdid some housework on Saturday and now have pain, probably pulled something. My 30 year old brain hasn't caught up with my 60 year old body haha.

Purplepixie Mon 25-Mar-24 12:35:53

You have some excellent advice on here. Where are you “own” friends? Why are they all connected to your husband? I really do feel sad for you but at least you have seen them in their own true colours. Do you have any hobbies or interests where you could meet new people? Try your hardest. If you lived in my area then I would reach out to you. Hugs to you and hope you recover well.