They don't really care do they

And yes he's always done a lot for her.

My husband had a medical "procedure" involving general anaesthetic last week.
He'd told his mum beforehand, told her when he'd had the pre-op appointment and told her when he was going in.
She hasn't phoned to see how he is 🤷

I find it’s always the same naturalblonde the more you do or have done the less you get appreciated especially when you are older. Following an accident on Coronation Monday I damaged my spine and hip and am now disabled and housebound,
I can count on one hand the visitors I have and that includes family. If it wasn’t for paid carers and the district nurses I could go for days without seeing anyone.
Like you I was the one everybody turned to if they had a problem medical or otherwise but some people have very short memories.
I’m not moaning, I do have a couple of good friends who are very good to me but I don’t like putting on them as they have busy lives.
Thank goodness for gransnet as reading the posts makes me realise I’m not the only person feeling this way.
I hope you recover soon from your surgery ❤️😄

Sadly, this is a thing of the times. I had emergency life-saving surgery last year and my husband let relevant friends and relatives know. Only one very good friend bothered to ask about me in the days and weeks after the op and once I was back home. I now have jusf the one good friend. I realise that my relatives and other so-called friends don't care about me so I am trying my hardest not to care about them. Not easy as I am naturally
a caring person.

The friends are friends through my husband but we have been together for well over 20 years, and they will tell others that we are friends

This makes me sad for you. You need your own friends- “couple” friends may be friends to both of you but since DH died I realise that those we were in contact with through him have largely dropped away. (Not that I have necessarily regretted them)
But I also think friendships need to be worked at to flourish.
So your DH’s friends and family may be mean and selfish so take this as an opportunity to get out there and start to form your own relationships- acquaintances first, friendships may develop..
The time may come when you are on your own and these will be the friends to support and stand by you.

ginnycomelately

The best advice i ever had when going through a bad time . Was to only have friends who give as well às take . Get rid of the ones who are not reciprocal, I wish you well

I totally agree, ginnycomelately! I learnt the hard way, as I'm sure many of us do, not just with one 'friend', but a second, more recently, and now I'll stick with the friends I know I can trust and not waste my time on people who only take.

The best advice i ever had when going through a bad time . Was to only have friends who give as well às take . Get rid of the ones who are not reciprocal, I wish you well

I really do empathise with you nota. You have every rightful expectation that the care you have kindly given to others is reciprocated now that you are, for once, needing support.
I had a 'friend' of 46 years standing. For all of those years, I sympathetically listened to her tales of woe, her myriad health issues, the deaths and illnesses in her family, her lurid tales of family traumas etc. etc. When my personal life imploded, she didn't remotely engage but I put it down to her being engrossed in yet another drama. She never phoned me, it was always I who had to initiate contact. I made the effort and visited her last year (I live abroad) believing her to be in need of friendship and comfort. Shortly afterwards my precious companion pet was attacked and paralysed..I called her and told her. She said "its only a dog" and changed the subject back onto herself. It was the last straw. That is not friendship...I have closed the door on it.
Be proud that you gave your best, but now be to them as they are to you..indifferent.

The time to complain and feel hurt is when you have spent time and money organizing something and your so-called friends back out at the last minute with flimsy CBA excuses. Thats the time to dump them.

Years ago I quite regularly organised day trips to London for a group of friends: train, theatre, dinner.
Then one friend asked if a family member could join us, no problem.
However this person proved to be very fussy about all sorts of details. The final outcome was that they'd come, but they'd book their own train tickets, they wouldn't come to the restaurant for dinner, or maybe they'd come but not eat, they'd just sit there while we ate, or maybe they wouldn't come this time but they might come next time we went.
I didn't tell them when we were going next time 😒

I think you are very unlucky! I had two minor surgeries close together befgore Christmas and received flowers, emails, WhatsApps and continued enquiries. This seems to me normal and what I would do for others. One of my daughters recently had emergency surgery for a deteriorating prolapsed disc. As well as our visit with flowers and chocolate, she got six other bouquets, vegan doughnuts and brownies and friends calling in with other sweet treats. I wonder if your "friends" think your medical background means you don't need coissetting? Obviously they are wrong! I hope you are feeling better.

notanaturalblonde what is the recovery period for your keyhole surgery? I am into week 4 out of a 6 week period. I definitely went a bit up and down until recently- probably a response to the surgery and trauma of the build up to it. Around 4 weeks post-op I have just about come to terms with the whole process and have stopped hallucinating about burning down the gp’s surgery.
I hope you return to good health soon. One unexpected bonus is that I am no longer willing to suffer fools gladly and maybe reevaluating how social interactions work - I think a definite improvement then!

to my mind, any relationship should be a two-way thing - give and take is what it's all about, maybe not necessarily in equal measures as people/life is never that straight-forward, but it should never be totally one-sided

I do not think you can rely upon friends to be tit-for-tat in a relationship. I have aquaintances like this who are not planners or organizers, or who enjoy talking on the phone. I am both a planner and an organizer and have learned that if I dont do it or set it in motion than it is never going to happen.

So I often found in the past that although we might plan an outing or holiday it was I who make the booking, got the tickets, looked up train times etc. My companions were content to "go with the flow" and rely upon me.

Some people are just like that. Its not that they dont value the friendship. They are happy to turn up when someone else organizes something.

The time to complain and feel hurt is when you have spent time and money organizing something and your so-called friends back out at the last minute with flimsy CBA excuses. Thats the time to dump them.

I think a lot of angst in friendships is because of lack of communication. If someone doesn't suggest meeting up it may be that they don't care, but equally it may be that they think you have such a good social life that you won't have time, or it may be that they have no social confidence and feel worried about being rejected if they do suggest a meeting. Some people do seem to see others as their social secretaries (which I find annoying) but others are just what used to be called shy.

Communication can clear these things up, and it needn't be difficult if you (generic) don't want to confront the situation directly. Meetings can be ended with something like 'It's your turn to make a date next time, isn't it?' Or 'I'm free for most of April except on Tuesdays, but I'll wait for a message from you to suggest a time and place.' That way, both of you know the expectation, and it's up to you to decide what to do if another suggestion is not forthcoming. You could give up and move on, or give it one more go, saying something like 'I know we said you would get in touch this time, but X is on at Y venue next week, and I wondered if I should get you a ticket', and if the answer is yes, bringing it up when you meet - 'I nearly didn't ask, as I never know if you want to meet up or not', to give her the chance to explain. You don't know unless you ask.

I feel for you, notanaturalblonde and I'm sending you good wishes for a full and quick recovery.
I agree that maybe you should stop all your contacting, and your husband can do it. And stop giving advice too!
I met someone 25 years ago and always thought of her as a really good friend, we got on well and enjoyed each others company. However, over the years I realised it was always me who made contact, never, ever her, and eventually, a couple of years ago, I stopped. I haven't heard from her since, though I know that if I messaged her now, she would be happy to meet up again sometime. Someone once said that maybe she's happier if its always me who makes contact, but she does regard me as a friend because we do meet up when I suggest it. However, to my mind, any relationship should be a two-way thing - give and take is what it's all about, maybe not necessarily in equal measures as people/life is never that straight-forward, but it should never be totally one-sided. I decided to go out and make new friends instead - U3A, and a local friendship club, and I now have a brilliant friend who treats me as I do her, and we have consideration and respect for each other, and I know she'd be there for me, as I would be there for her, if ever we need support. That's what friendship is all about, not someone just taking advantage of 'using' someone else when it suits them.

If you want to expand your friendships, I recommend Rock Choir ! No audition, don’t have to read music either. Look it up on line. It’s really good fun and you will be laughing every week. Good luck 😁

I think the key word in your original post is routine. I worked in a hospital and there are many “routine” procedures that are not classified as Real Surgeries.

If what you had done seemed to be of less consequence than say cancer, transplant, neuro, or massive broken bones… well, perhaps people are thinking you’re okay three weeks later.

That does not disqualify them from being thoughtless or inconsiderate. You say your siblings and children are very good. 👍🏼

Time to expand your horizons and get some friends of your own - forget husband’s friends, they seem to be his friends and not so much yours. You can be civil to them and maybe the dynamic will change a bit, but that’s okay. They don’t seem overly friendly to me.

Move in your own direction! You will be happier for it. Let your husband know you’ll be joining some book clubs, or doing some charity work or finding a part time job. (You’re young!). Best to you!

Mirren I'm a nurse which is why my advice is "see your GP" (unless I think it should be A&E). I work in GP so I have an understanding of the referral processes and can advise on that aspect, but from now on (as per a lot of advice on here) I don't know.

I think to some people any HCP is thought of as invincible and how dare you become ill yourself.

I had something similar a few years ago, I had had major abdominal surgery ( it might have been cancer) , my MiL who used to make a fuss over anyone who had been into hospital and I always thought I got on well with and I used to visit weekly sort things out for etc. didn't ask me once how I was feeling but kept telling me about my SiL who had had her toenail removed. If she seen her 2/3times a year that was it. It still grates with me even though she has passed away since. My DH family,( sister and brother) are now doing it to him, he has had a major stroke has mobility problems and uses a wheelchair to get out and about, despite living less that 5 minutes away we never see them unless they want something.

Bless you!
Sending lots of love .
Can I ask .. .what is your " medical background " ?
I'm a doctor and tend to find my family,friends and acquaintances tend to treat me this way.
It's almost as if I/ we are invulnerable to anything illness related.
We either aren't expected to become ill or sustain injuries....but , heaven forbid, if we do ... then ,somehow, we don't suffer like mere , non medical mortals.
We don't feel pain , can cope with disabilities, don't need practical assistance.
I broke my ankle badly 6 years ago.
I was not allowed to put my foot down for 12 weeks.
The trauma and the stress did distressing things to my mental health.
My husband panicked.
Eldest daughter materialised on a train from Edinburgh.....only to give me a proper telling off for being so dramatic and upsetting poor old Daddy !,
I'd only been told I might be permanently disabled.... but , hey ho , who cares!
Having said that, in less than a year I har my walking boots on and was hiking again.
Perhaps we are our own worst enemies?
We see ourselves as invincible so the rest of the world treats us that way too xxxzz

Maybe they think that you’re so good at coping and strong that they assume you’re fine. More likely, they’re selfish and thoughtless. Get new friends and when this lot asks you for anything- just ignore them, explain that YOU’VE been poorly and have no time to deal with OUTSIDERS problems. Get well soon. ❤️

Thank you to everyone of you, you have been so kind. I have taken on board a lot of the advice and will start to forge my own friendships outside of the circle. I live in an area that is fairly community minded and there are groups in my area that I could go to, knit and natter etc. I just need to force myself to take on the challenge.

You have basically defined these people as belonging in your husband's circle so leave them there. Concentrate on your own friendships and family. You know what they say, you can pick your friends but not your relations. Hope you get back on track for a good recovery.

Applegran

I am sorry you have felt hurt and I do wish you the best swiftest recovery possible. I agree with others' advice to find more friends and shared activities - widen your circle and make more contact with more people. I think you should be cautious about making any kind of break with the people you wish had shown more care for you - they are your husband's friends, and unless they are actively unkind, you might regret cutting yourself off from them. Maybe instead you could reach out to those you feel you like most, and see if you can create stronger ties with them. There is a saying 'Be the change you want to see" - so you could choose to be friendly in spite of your hurt, and see what happens. Kindness is never wasted.

very wise advice Applegran

There’s a phrase along the lines of :
Accept people as they are, but put them where they belong.
These people haven’t made any effort. There may be reasons, but your comment about your SIL excluding you from events isn’t good.
These people don’t sound like friends.
Lots of good advice here for once you’re feeling better, looking around for people who want to be friends.

I am sorry you have felt hurt and I do wish you the best swiftest recovery possible. I agree with others' advice to find more friends and shared activities - widen your circle and make more contact with more people. I think you should be cautious about making any kind of break with the people you wish had shown more care for you - they are your husband's friends, and unless they are actively unkind, you might regret cutting yourself off from them. Maybe instead you could reach out to those you feel you like most, and see if you can create stronger ties with them. There is a saying 'Be the change you want to see" - so you could choose to be friendly in spite of your hurt, and see what happens. Kindness is never wasted.