New baby, different ideas.

Well I was glad to have my mum around for numbers two and three I was totally alone overseas for number 1
All my children had their children in other parts of the world but the two in Europe quickly asked me over and I loved helping …the partners/ husbands seemed happy to have help and all my children are close with my grandchildren so it doesn’t seem to have made any problems for anyone

Love the post about sending a pic of your own foot MissA .

I was 39 when i had my daughter, both my parents had passed and i had 1 older sister with 4 kids [2 of which were stepkids. I had a mother & father in law. Visitors came & went while i was in hospital, all fine - except MIL saw our daughter as 'her grandaughter' first and foremost & that's what was to be celebrated - er sorry, not happening. Even the christening was all about how happy she was that she'd got a granddaughter. She drove me nuts for the next 4 years, all her ideas/wishes were for us to fall in with - like excuse me but everyone has a 'yes ok or no thanks' option to any question/suggestion so why does the arrival of the baby suddenly change that option - it doesn't and it never will.

I left my husband and his precious mother when DD was 4 - he put her wants and needs above everything and that was his downfall. She now lives with him so that's them 2 sorted.

I think this could also be that new parents are quite strict about preventing infections, especially after the Covid epidemic.

HelterSkelter1

I love the idea of sending pictures of body parts...like a jigsaw. Eventually you will get the whole baby assembled.

MissAdventure brilliant.

Gransnet wasn’t the same when MissAdventure went ‘AWOL’ It’s been so good to have her back,

You are making far too much of this.

I know we did things differently, as did the generations prior to us, but today expectant mothers are told repeatedly that it is best for the new parents and child to be alone together without visits from grandparents, aunts, uncles, prospective godparents etc. as parents and child need time to bond, and the mother especially needs time to get over the natural tiredness consequent upon the physical strain of giving birth.

It isn't called labour just for fun, you know.

They have told you the weight and sex of the child and when the baby was born. If they had added the old, conventional phrase "mother and child doing well" it would have been nice, but they didn't.

Don't spoil a happy occasion by being hurt, or when you do see the new arrival making comments upon how the parents wanted to announce the birth.

Try to accept that this is how it is done today - we may not like it, but our parents and parents-in-law were not always thrilled with our decisions either.

My paternal grandmother, on being told that my elder brother was unlikely to live and that my mother wanted him christened, remarked that that was totally unnecessary, a remark that my mother, holding her newly christened dying son found unforgivable and certainly never forgot.

So please do take care what you say.

I love the idea of sending pictures of body parts...like a jigsaw. Eventually you will get the whole baby assembled.

MissAdventure brilliant.

ileea

When my last granddaughter was born. I only was able to visit a couple times in hospital. Once they were home I didn't get to her for a few weeks. The new little family was just on their own bonding time. No photos were allowed to be posted anywhere. (Still no social media posts of her) I have always said I will take what they will offer. I try not to push the clearly marked boundaries. At times I wish I would have had the backbone to set clearer boundaries when I was a young mom.

And you sound like a wonderful grand for it! It is after all their babies huh?

Flipping predictive text!
Roll on the day we can edit our posts!

I completely understand the new mum.
Why should she be subjected to everyone converging on her when all she probably wants to do is relax and try to get to know her new baby?
When both of my sons were born, is said I didn't want anyone coming to the hospital, stating I would be home soon enough, but of course, my mother and sister took andalusia no notice of what I wanted, and came racing to see my babies right at the beginning of the first visiting session after they were born.
In both instances, is had very long, difficult labours, Anna just needed to rest/sleep, but I wasn't allowed to buy my entitled relatives.
A few years after my second son was born, my sister had twins and actually made the nursing staff remove anyone who tried to visit them. Clearly, her wishes were far more important than mine!

Sounds to me like these new parents knew that their family wouldn’t respect their wishes and so they sent out very little information. Sounds like they were right to do so considering the family members are already gossiping.

Not your baby, not your business.

It all depends what kind of relationship you have with the parents pre-baby and pre pregnancy.

Having a baby is not a free pass for extended family to ignore the parents' wishes and put their paws on the baby

I think if I was sent a picture of a foot, I'd take one of mine, and send it, saying "Ooh! Baby looks just like me!"

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

When my last granddaughter was born. I only was able to visit a couple times in hospital. Once they were home I didn't get to her for a few weeks. The new little family was just on their own bonding time. No photos were allowed to be posted anywhere. (Still no social media posts of her) I have always said I will take what they will offer. I try not to push the clearly marked boundaries. At times I wish I would have had the backbone to set clearer boundaries when I was a young mom.

SingcoTime

Takes a special level of self-involvement to:

1. Think someone else giving birth means your wants are as important as theirs, and therefore they should be viewed as "cruel" and "precious" if you don't get what you want.

2. Think the way you did things is the "right" way, and anything else is silly or trendy.

3. Think you are closer to an adult than their own spouse, and therefore their joint boundaries and expressed wishes couldn't possibly be from the half of the pair to which you are related (for the OP's friends). Someone should break it to them that husbands and wives are closer than adult daughters/sons and parents. It's the natural order of things and they need to get used to it.

Some of these responses are confirmation that emotional maturity and age do not always go hand in hand. Throwing a tantrum over having to wait a bit to meet a new baby is a juvenile response. The fact of the matter is, there is no actual harm being done to anyone right now, and if respecting the wishes of the parents is this much of an issue how could these grandparents possibly see themselves as a support system? When a new mum and dad are adjusting to this new life, and all you can see is what they are doing/not doing to accommodate you, YOU are the problem. If they'd have shared more, imagine what else would be here on gransnet being discussed. Some of you see aggrieved grans. I see boundary-stomping, self-centered people.

I agree in part but I also think everyone has become so self absorbed and emotionally controlling/precious. I keep hearing about grandparents that expect to be in the delivery room for heavens sake or who visit the newborn and mother for literally hours on end. They are seemingly oblivious to the new mum's leaking boobs and bloody undercarriage that she really doesn't want to share with her FIL or brother in law.

Then there are the new mums themselves who throw a fit and instantly go no contact with their MIL because she dared to visit for half an hour on day 25 with a casserole. According to Mumsnet and other social media that makes her the bitch from hell and she deserves everything she gets. If her husband thinks that's a bit harsh, she should divorce the bastard.

Admittedly my son was born in 1977 and nobody back then (that I knew) was so heavily invested in babies or children. Grandparents would help occasionally if asked but it was otherwise assumed you would cope and that you hadn't done anything miraculous by giving birth. Maybe grandparents have more disposable income and time on their hands. I also think the "cult" of baby has become a thing with new mums. Social media hasn't helped by pushing ridiculous expectations on everyone.

My daughter FaceTimed me half an hour after the baby was born. 3.30am. She was so excited to show her to me and wanted to know what time I would be at the hospital later that day! Relationships are all different though and I was guided by her actions. Thankfully I had lots of cuddles very quickly. 🥰

SingcoTime, I think it takes a stupendous level of self-involvement to deliver such a patronising lecture here based entirely on your prejudices.

Witzend

flappergirl

This is the new normal (I keep reading about it on Mumsnet). New mums these days don't want any visitors within 50 miles of them for at least a fortnight. The only exception seems to be their own mothers. Once the fortnight is up, people can make brief visits by appointment and must definitely not attempt to hold the baby or go anywhere near it. Shoes must be removed and if the visitors own dogs they must wear a hazmat suit before entering.

Re dogs and babies, a niece of dh sent us a little video of their lovely family dog cuddled up to, and very gently licking her very new 4th baby’s face.
Both parents are doctors! And, needless to say, exceedingly chilled.

(Apologies if this post has caused anyone’s BP to rise to dangerous levels.).

That's lovely to hear Witzend, definitely not affected by BP. I was always brought up with animals and so was my son. We had a small holding so it was dogs, cats, goats and chickens from day one for him.

I so often read on Mumsnet the hysteria surrounding dogs and babies. Not particularly due to the the fear of biting but because of hygiene. It seems news babies have to live in sterilised bubbles these days. I think it's all rather sad.

Well that’s us told then.

Takes a special level of self-involvement to:

1. Think someone else giving birth means your wants are as important as theirs, and therefore they should be viewed as "cruel" and "precious" if you don't get what you want.

2. Think the way you did things is the "right" way, and anything else is silly or trendy.

3. Think you are closer to an adult than their own spouse, and therefore their joint boundaries and expressed wishes couldn't possibly be from the half of the pair to which you are related (for the OP's friends). Someone should break it to them that husbands and wives are closer than adult daughters/sons and parents. It's the natural order of things and they need to get used to it.

Some of these responses are confirmation that emotional maturity and age do not always go hand in hand. Throwing a tantrum over having to wait a bit to meet a new baby is a juvenile response. The fact of the matter is, there is no actual harm being done to anyone right now, and if respecting the wishes of the parents is this much of an issue how could these grandparents possibly see themselves as a support system? When a new mum and dad are adjusting to this new life, and all you can see is what they are doing/not doing to accommodate you, YOU are the problem. If they'd have shared more, imagine what else would be here on gransnet being discussed. Some of you see aggrieved grans. I see boundary-stomping, self-centered people.

I remember my daughter 10 years ago not wanting visitors or wanting to show new baby off just wanted time alone with her husband and new baby for the first little while. Only grandparents were allowed to visit she just needed time to adjust and bond. She was different with her second baby.

Such a strange way to be. So sad for the grandparents.

I wonder if mum is suffering badly from postpartum depression or bleeding badly. There could be many reasons she doesn't want visitors. Asking grandparents to keep quiet may just be a way of keeping other visitors at bay.