Gransnet forums


New baby, different ideas.

(156 Posts)
annsixty Wed 27-Mar-24 09:50:08

A friend’s GD gave birth 2days ago, first GC for both sets of parents.
A txt was sent which read like the bulletin posted outside Buckingham Palace stating baldly time of birth, gender, weight.
No visitors at all for several days, not even a photograph has been sent or will be.
No one outside family to be told ( obviously that hasn’t happened) or I wouldn’t know!
The GPS are very upset , knowing this does not come from the new mum.
I couldn’t wait to show off my new baby and I think we bonded well enough.

dogsmother Wed 27-Mar-24 10:15:32

Maybe something is amiss and they can’t face anyone yet.

annsixty Wed 27-Mar-24 10:29:39

Maybe, but family shouldn’t be left for days to speculate.
The thoughts are worse sometimes.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Mar-24 10:33:27

Good grief talk about taking the the joy out of what should be such a joyous occasion shock.

Louella12 Wed 27-Mar-24 10:40:44

When I had my second child, a son, I didn't want to see anyone. We were cocooned in our home and that was how I wanted to play it. We didn't take him out on his own until he was 6 weeks old.

I certainly didn't want my in-laws to come round either.

Looking back my behaviour was decidedly odd but that's just how it went.

I'd just be patient

Witzend Wed 27-Mar-24 10:42:01

The poor GPs - I really don’t understand this preciousness. Thank goodness dd was happy for family to visit within hours of the birth of all 3 - I have pics of me and dh holding them all when only hours old - and pics were posted to far-flung family asap.

I was only too happy for anyone to come and admire my very new babies, too.

nanna8 Wed 27-Mar-24 10:44:02

Weird, it makes you wonder if there is some sort of problem. It should be a time of joy and celebration but I suppose we are all different. Glad they’re not my rellies.

eazybee Wed 27-Mar-24 10:54:17

Strange not to communicate with the grandparents, but there may be a sound reason. The new parents asked for no-one outside the family to be told but clearly has not been followed, unless the readers of Gransnet count as family.

rafichagran Wed 27-Mar-24 11:03:39

All I can say is, I don't understand it, and have no experience of it.

Dickens Wed 27-Mar-24 11:06:12

Each to their own.

Maybe the new parents feel that they just cannot cope with visitors until they have had time to settle down with their new baby?

I sometimes felt overwhelmed by the complete change to my way of life and the constant demands of a baby and people popping in and out were a bit of a distraction. Not all visitors are considerate. They might offer to make cups of tea, etc, but don't know where you keep the tea or which cups they think they should use and continually ask questions - and keep up an endless stream of chatter.

What I wanted most was to be left alone for a while to organise everything and get into a routine. So I do understand from that perspective.

I think the text announcement was a bit bald though. I would have added something like, "love to see you and for you to meet (him/her) when I'm a bit more organised!"

The only visitor I did welcome was my GP who for the first week popped in on his way home for a few minutes just to make sure I was coping and that everything was OK... my OH was working away from home at the time. He was an elderly GP with 4 daughters and oodles of grand children, and had an 'understanding' about parenthood. Can't imagine that would ever happen now.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Mar-24 11:07:29

Asking GP's not to tell anyone outside of the family that they've become GP's for the first time is very odd.

Presumably they have friends who knew about the pregnancy, so what are the GP's supposed to do if they're asked if the baby's been born yet? Lie.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Mar-24 11:08:50

I can understand not wanting visitors Dickens but not telling GP's, especially first time GP's not to share the good news.

Greenfinch Wed 27-Mar-24 11:11:29

Same as Witzend. Our only sadness it that our last grandchild was born at the beginning of lockdown and it was ages before we were able to see her and even longer before we could hold her. Fortunately she is the most affectionate child and at four is a delight even though she didn’t know us for the best part of a year. I cannot understand this modern approach and my DiL was sad it had to be as it was.

Theexwife Wed 27-Mar-24 11:13:58

Maybe they wanted to do their own announcement with a photo on social media and havent said anymore as the great grandmother obviously cannot be trusted to follow their request that only family are informed.

Glorianny Wed 27-Mar-24 11:14:40

Their baby, their rules. Although I don't understand "this does not come from the new mum" Is she in an abusive relationship or something? Because that's a completely different discussion.

Casdon Wed 27-Mar-24 11:16:39

I’m reading this differently, is the grandparents’ concern that their daughter is being controlled by her partner to the extent that she isn’t allowed to show the baby off?

flappergirl Wed 27-Mar-24 11:19:39

This is the new normal (I keep reading about it on Mumsnet). New mums these days don't want any visitors within 50 miles of them for at least a fortnight. The only exception seems to be their own mothers. Once the fortnight is up, people can make brief visits by appointment and must definitely not attempt to hold the baby or go anywhere near it. Shoes must be removed and if the visitors own dogs they must wear a hazmat suit before entering.

Cossy Wed 27-Mar-24 11:24:14

When my husband’s niece had her first (& only) baby about 2.5 years ago, they were very similar. Only photos we saw initially was one foot and hand! She and her husband then “cocooned” (her words) for the first 8 week, saw no one, husband did all meals and she just stayed with baby! We thought it was all very odd tbh!

annsixty Wed 27-Mar-24 11:24:16

This could be their thinking now.
But new mum is no shrinking violet, highly educated, professional 30something.
So it is hard to figure out but who knows where this comes from. Maybe a new trend?
She is perhaps exhausted and needs a few days to rest.
Best case scenario.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Mar-24 11:27:09

must wear a hazmat suit before entering that's so funny flappergirl. I wonder what they think anyone but the new mum's mother may do to the baby or germs they may bring in with them in hmm.

Primrose53 Wed 27-Mar-24 11:27:10

I wonder what the world is coming to sometimes! 😤

Robin202 Wed 27-Mar-24 11:29:36

Maybe there is an issue with the health of the baby and it’s too soon to talk about.

Some new parents need time alone as a new family to adjust and just rest (if possible).

I would respond along the lines of ‘ congratulations - fantastic news - can’t wait to meet the new arrival when you feel ready for a short visit. (Don’t forget the word ‘short’ - so as not to imply being fed and staying for hours). Then wait and see.

Sarnia Wed 27-Mar-24 11:30:51

I wouldn't worry. A few weeks of sleepless nights, endless washing, pacifying an unsettled baby and they will be begging for help.

Mamasperspective Wed 27-Mar-24 11:55:08

Years ago, new mothers stayed in hospital for 10 days and had support on a night so they could rest. When I had my first, I gave birth just before 8am after being awake for 36 hours then was discharged at 10pm that night. MIL insisted we visit the next morning as she hadn't been allowed to come to the hospital. I had wanted that hospital time for DH and I to meet our new baby. She hogged my baby for hours when all I wanted to do was hold my new child yet I was expected to sit and allow her to do what she wanted .... she was the excited new nana after all so what did my feelings matter? I then had to go to my grandparents house (my mum passed away a few years ago and my dad was staying at our house anyway looking after the dogs for us) so in a bid to please everyone else, I ended up beyond exhausted and upset because I just wanted to bond with the child I had carried for 9 months. I love my grandparents dearly but it was all far too much. MIL then thought she should be allowed to turn up every day and in the end I broke and DH had to tell her to leave us alone for a couple of weeks. Overbearing was an understatement. I struggled bonding with baby because everyone else always seemed to be holding her. I ended up with post natal depression and fully blame the fact I was putting everyone else's wants over mine and baby's needs.
Lesson learned for baby #2. Only my dad knew about me being induced a week early and we didn't even tell anyone she had been born for 5 days, it was BLISS! We had no visitors for a couple of weeks and consequently I had an instant bond with this child.
I get grandparents are excited but they need to remember this is a new mum and dad's baby and, after waiting for 9 months, is it really so much of a hardship to let them enjoy a bit of exclusive time with their child? My MIL's behaviour escalated after she was asked to respect some boundaries and consequently myself and my young daughters are now no contact with her, DH is very low contact (because he likes to go and see his dad)
It's not worth causing family conflict for the sake of respecting the fact some parents may want a bit of space for a couple of weeks with THEIR baby.

SingcoTime Wed 27-Mar-24 11:56:27

Their baby, their choices. It's really that simple. Not everything a young couple does things differently than you is a sign of a problem. Maybe they didn't have the baby to treat it as a shiny new toy to show off. It's just as normal for new parents to want to adjust without someone plastering the baby's face all over social media as it was for you lot to host drones of people postpartum. Thankfully, I had a respectful family that wasn't so self-involved that they made a fuss about us not wanting visitors right away. It's how families who actually care about being a true support system act...supportive. Making someone else's milestone about yourself is anything but supportive. Why on earth would grandparents' excitement be prioritized over what the new parents were comfortable with? They had the baby to become parents, not necessarily to make anyone a grandparent. Never lose focus of that because it will help keep things in perspective. It's not about extended family right now.

"This doesn't come from he new mum". Amazing how assumptions about the inner workings of other people's relationships are considered completely normal when they couple doesn't behave exactly how others expect and want them too. Maybe, just maybe, the couple is on the same page since it's their baby and not the grandparents baby? Adult sons and daughters aren't merely extensions of previous generations. Believe it or not, they are adults with their own minds, wants, and needs. Already, the divide and conquer attitude shows and the baby just got here. I really hope these grans do not start trying to pour this divisive talk into the ears of the new mum. The last thing they need right now is pressure from extended family to break team.