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being a right moany pain in the proverbial

(6 Posts)
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Canarygirl1 Fri 26-Apr-24 21:45:37

I just would like some help please to come to terms with not being able to ever leave my husband who has dementia. He is unable to go out as too disabled by bleed on brain and cant cope with movement or noise so dementia cafe etc no use. He still has some capacity and wont have anyone sit with him while I go out.
Feel very selfish but we have given up our lovely home to come to the 2 bed apartment where we are now and am so resentful and feel dreadfully mean.
There is no married life as such now and I just feel forsaken. Sounds like its all about me but he is quite content with his life
So sorry to moan on as I know many of you have far worse to contend with and thanks for reading

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Mogsmaw Fri 26-Apr-24 21:50:24

I don’t know what to say to you, just feel free to moan, if it gives you some relief.
You’re not mean your human and I hope you can find the strength you need.

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aggie Fri 26-Apr-24 21:57:26

You are not mean or moaning , you are just being human !
Have you tried getting help ? I paid a carer so I could have a couple of hours out
I know you say he won’t have it , but if you could someone as a friend in for a visit ?
My cleaning lady used to chat and sing while she worked and was happy for me to escape while she was there
I couldn’t have survived if I hadn’t had this help

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Ali23 Fri 26-Apr-24 21:59:25

Please don’t feel that you are moaning.
What you are doing is sooooo hard.

I think that at some point in the future you might have to overide his vetoes re sitters, and you might need support in doing so. My neighbour reached this point and now successfully has sitters in for 3 hours twice a week. The company always sends men which I think has made it more acceptable for her husband.

In the meantime have you looked to see what support there is online? When my mum was alive I used the Carers UK forum which I found very supportive.

Nowadays I still use online groups. One is a ‘mindful writing’ group. It is an absolute tonic. No pressure, just shared ideas. My sister in law is part of an online support group (using zoom) for partners of people with dementia. It is set up by the local football club.

Others on here know far more than me about how to get support and I hope that they will come along soon.
Please take care of you.

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Callistemon21 Fri 26-Apr-24 22:09:37

Do you have a Befriending Service in your area?
Age UK might be able to advise.

Someone at the Service will chat to you and assess your needs then someone could come and sit with your DH while you can go out, even if just for an hour or two.

Your DH might be happier if he thought a 'Friend' was coming to sit with him and have a chat rather than a carer coming in.

You mustn't feel trapped, it's not good for either of you.

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Jaxjacky Fri 26-Apr-24 22:12:43

You’re not moaning and deserve a medal. I agree with others, you do need to give yourself some breaks, for your own health or you won’t be able to continue supporting your husband.
Please ask family if possible to sit with him, look for dementia support locally and give Admiral a call:
To talk to an Admiral Nurse, call the free Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline on 0800 888 6678 or email [email protected].

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