Random old bloke telling me to ‘Cheer up!’ 😩

What a miserable world it would be if we were all to label an elderly man who made a clumsy remark to a passing woman, an old git and an arse. I think most women, apart from the perpetually offended, would recognise that no harm was intended.

I know everything can't be related to early dementia, but 2 elderly aunts of mine frequently repeated phrases they would have said years ago without actually realizing what they were saying. They were both in the early stages of dementia. So possibly he could have said "lovely day" or its nice out" but he happened to say something he has heard and said for years and years. Yes annoying. I think I would have felt like replying. "Thank you that's nice of you." Or something equally vague like as someone said above. "No worries". Or even that dratted "bless". Otherwise let it go over your head I don't think you will change him.

Smileless2012

Not everyone would consider someone they don't know, male or female saying to them 'cheer up' inappropriate TerriBull. I wouldn't, and haven't when it's been said to me, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't react/respond accordingly if something I felt inappropriate was said. I certainly wouldn't smile.

I certainly wouldn't smile.

... says Smileless2012

Not everyone would consider someone they don't know, male or female saying to them 'cheer up' inappropriate TerriBull. I wouldn't, and haven't when it's been said to me, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't react/respond accordingly if something I felt inappropriate was said. I certainly wouldn't smile.

He was probably just being “funny”, or so he thought. Just making conversation. I’d have stopped and smiled and asked him what he meant.

Well said TerriBull.

Don't apologise for being a dog-with-a-bone. It is the subject of this thread and the OP. If anyone finds it OTT, they can scroll on or comment accordingly!

According to my OH who is Swedish by birth (now naturalised to citizenship of the UK) - we Brits are a friendly people. Where he originates, greeting a complete stranger in passing would render them almost like a rabbit caught in the headlights - though this might be a local thing. He loves the way we chat to random strangers at the drop of a hat.

And he thinks women are particularly sociable, with each other. And I think he's right.

But do women randomly greet each other as strangers by one telling the other to "cheer up" or "give us a smile"? No, we don't. And neither do men do it to each other.

It's something men do to women. We have been conditioned historically to please, and that is what they are demanding from us, either consciously or unconsciously, that we please them by looking appreciative of their attention. And it doesn't occur to such simpletons that you might be looking miserable because you've just experienced a devastating event - because they don't regard women as equals.

I don't know what to say to anyone who thinks a woman should just smile when some idiot not known to them says something so inappropriate.

Apropos of a comment Callistemon made up -thread, I did Google "Give us a Smile love" and an old thread on MN threw up, amongst others, these posts. The crime writer, Susan Hill had it said to her having just left the deathbed of her daughter. A woman had it said to her by a bus driver, she just left her the hospital where her 3 day old baby had died having been born severely handicapped, she let rip and gave it to him chapter and verse what had happened in that agonising brief period of his life, the people on the bus applauded her and another woman came up to the bus driver to further admonish him for his crassness. The point is, making such a stupid, inane comment to a stranger, how could anyone know what they are carrying around with them inside of their head. Frankly, to trot that hackneyed old "cheer up" to a person you've never met, you have to be either as thick as mince or mentally deficient and they certainly don't need to be encouraged with a smile. In any case if we were prone to smile at any old random bloke whose to say he's not one of those who'd come out with "what you smiling at then!"

Sorry to be a dog with a bone, but there are appropriate ways of starting conversations, good morning or our national obsession with a comment about the weather which wouldn't cause offence or trigger an outpouring of someone's misery or inner grief in anger.

I have even reading this thread with interest as a person who, from a young age, was frequently told by random men in the street to cheer up when I hadn't a care in the world. I must have a miserable resting expression.
Saying good morning and making a comment about the weather is being friendly to strangers but making a comment about appearance is being judgemental. Witzend, you found the comment offensive and you did something about it. These days, I would do the same.

You could have replied with the ubiquitous " No worries".

Argh! I'm not worried!

TerriBull

I don't put shop staff wishing a customer "have a nice day" in the same category, it's not personal, just a staff gesture of goodwill, a bit American but that's very hardwired into retail culture there.

Telling a woman that she should put a smile on her face by a stranger is highly personal, maybe such men would think twice if a personal comment regarding their appearance were delivered by some random woman maybe along the lines of "oooh you're a bit thin on top, thought about a hair transplant luv?" "Have you always had a gut that size luv?" Just for starters, see how those go down, like a bucket of sick I imagine.

😂

Callistemon21

lily64

thanks - just moved and wasn't aware .

When I moved to the South-West I was startled to be addressed as "My Lover" by the man at the garage 😁

Just for the record, I have absolutely no objection to ‘dear’, ‘love’, ‘duck’, ‘hen’, or even ‘my lover’ - and as for that last, long may this West Country endearment endure.

NotSpaghetti you're right. I am always out of breath so maybe it was that. Or maybe it was because I just walked in, saw a card and bought it! It was one of those shops where people usually browse!
It was an act of kindness on her part I suppose.

I think I would have said Morning and smiled. I’m sure he didn’t mean to offend but some days we can take comments such as this others days we cannot. On a bad day I might have just given him a look and ignored😂 Generally I always try to be friendly

*were, not "are".

If you are genuinely OK I'd try not to worry about it keepingquiet. After all, if you (or someone else) hadn't been OK this simple question may have saved a life.

Obviously I don't know what you looked like but when we are rushing I suppose we don't necessarily look bright and cheery!

It's all part and parcel of the same thing. And that is men with a sense of entitlement to women as sexual objects who are there for their gratification, amusement or entertainment

This.

TerriBull

It is something I feel strongly about, as I said up thread all that started for me at around 12 years of age, which is when of course many girls start their physical development, so in retrospect correlate that with the type of man who'd make a remark to a youngster and I think that equates to lascivious. At that young age it left me embarrassed, uncomfortable, sometimes anxious. As I emerged into adulthood and became more self assured it just left me really annoyed. Dickens your husband's comment "whether I decide to be cheerful or not, is none of your business" Spot on!

Aside from all of that Witzend as I understand it from her post, was chasing after her young granddaughter furiously peddling ahead, I can remember those days trying to keep up, hardly conducive for an exchange with some old git who thinks they're on to a good thing with such a hackneyed old chat up line

It is something I feel strongly about, as I said up thread all that started for me at around 12 years of age...

I have strong feeling about it too Terribull. Particularly when it involves young girls. Do these lascivious men have daughters, sisters?

On a side note - Prince Andrew (and I'm not discussing here whether he was guilty of the charges laid against him) - he apparently quite happily socialised with a known degenerate who used and abused young women - when his own daughters were growing into adulthood. Do such men have even a speck of decency or integrity which might prompt them to think - these girls could be my daughter?

I know some will think we are over-reacting to the comment by the man in the OP's post. Oh, he-was-just-trying-to-be-friendly; like those women who feel flattered when a man wolf-whistles them and tells those who object, they're-just-showing-their-appreciation.

Well no, IMO they are not just trying to be friendly, nor showing 'appreciation'.

The 'harmless' "cheer up" or "give us a smile, love" ultimately leads to the deeply offensive, personal comments made by men on building sites, or in groups on the street, etc to random women as they walk past. It's all part and parcel of the same thing. And that is men with a sense of entitlement to women as sexual objects who are there for their gratification, amusement or entertainment.

I popped into a shop today as I was passing to buy a birthday card. It was drizzly outside and I was rushing but when I went to the counter the young lady asked me if I was alright.
I said, 'Yes I'm fine thanks,' as I paid for my purchase.
She then seemed a little flustered and said she thought I looked as if I wasn't ok.
This threw me and left me wondering what I looked like, that she thought I didn't seem quite right.
It was the most bizarre conversation and I am still wondering what it was about me that gave her that impression!

It is something I feel strongly about, as I said up thread all that started for me at around 12 years of age, which is when of course many girls start their physical development, so in retrospect correlate that with the type of man who'd make a remark to a youngster and I think that equates to lascivious. At that young age it left me embarrassed, uncomfortable, sometimes anxious. As I emerged into adulthood and became more self assured it just left me really annoyed. Dickens your husband's comment "whether I decide to be cheerful or not, is none of your business" Spot on!

Aside from all of that Witzend as I understand it from her post, was chasing after her young granddaughter furiously peddling ahead, I can remember those days trying to keep up, hardly conducive for an exchange with some old git who thinks they're on to a good thing with such a hackneyed old chat up line

Just Google this, Witzend:
"Cheer up love it might never happen"

There are loads of sites with comments and advice, including Mumsnet
😁

TerriBull

I don't put shop staff wishing a customer "have a nice day" in the same category, it's not personal, just a staff gesture of goodwill, a bit American but that's very hardwired into retail culture there.

Telling a woman that she should put a smile on her face by a stranger is highly personal, maybe such men would think twice if a personal comment regarding their appearance were delivered by some random woman maybe along the lines of "oooh you're a bit thin on top, thought about a hair transplant luv?" "Have you always had a gut that size luv?" Just for starters, see how those go down, like a bucket of sick I imagine.

I don't put shop staff wishing a customer "have a nice day" in the same category, it's not personal, just a staff gesture of goodwill, a bit American but that's very hardwired into retail culture there.

Have a nice day is said to either sex - by either sex, old and young, so you're right, it's not at all in the same category. Irritating it might be to some, but it's civil and polite - and not personal, which is the point.

I just asked my OH what he would say if a random woman - apropos of nothing - told him to "cheer up" as he passed by her. He looked a bit surprised at the question, but then replied, "I'd tell her that whether I decided to be cheerful or not was none of her business".

... he probably wouldn't, though - he'd probably just give her 'the stare' and walk on... I just wanted to gauge his feeling on the matter.

He then read the OP's post and said she could have looked at him with disdain and said... "sorry, do I know you?" or, "sorry, are we acquainted"?

I don't put shop staff wishing a customer "have a nice day" in the same category, it's not personal, just a staff gesture of goodwill, a bit American but that's very hardwired into retail culture there.

Telling a woman that she should put a smile on her face by a stranger is highly personal, maybe such men would think twice if a personal comment regarding their appearance were delivered by some random woman maybe along the lines of "oooh you're a bit thin on top, thought about a hair transplant luv?" "Have you always had a gut that size luv?" Just for starters, see how those go down, like a bucket of sick I imagine.

lily64

thanks - just moved and wasn't aware .

that's interesting;
i thought all these were v well known and often heard.
where have you moved from, to ?

Callistemon21

As some people don't follow links, Dickens, I wanted to post the picture as an example of how women can be made to feel by men telling them "You'd be prettier if you smiled" or even "Cheer up, love, it may never happen", but it won't post.

I know - I tried to post the photo' for impact, but couldn't manage it either.

Her expression sums it up, doesn't it!

Witzend was right to confront this man. Telling people you don't know to cheer up is very rude. As others have posted this only happens to women.
It happened to me just after my DH had died and I'm sure I was looking miserable but being told to cheer up it may never happen was not what I wanted to hear.