Meeting new people who only talk about themselves

My poor DIL who is foreign had a difficult dinner last week. A lovely elderly couple my son is friendly with had them down for a meal. They misunderstood her job with a charity and thought she was volunteering in a shop to amuse herself . She also had no input to the conversation about the local vicar and village life.

That's good. My DH says he has bought the Times and will bring it home from work.
Yes conversation. An art. My Dd loves social events but she tends to dominate the conversation. Difficult to get a word in edge ways.
How to manage conversation is a bit like being a referee.

I have a friend who lives on her own and when I visit she talks non stop for the first two days only about herself. I have another widowed friend whom I have noticed now never listens to what I am saying. It happens to a lot of people who live on their own. There is an article in today’s Times about initiating conversations called The Ford Method: Family, occupation, recreation, dreams. Perhaps asking people questions from one of these headings will initiate a better conversation eg., what are your plans for the next two years? Personally, I usually fall back on ‘what are you reading’ or ‘can you recommend me a good book’.

Eloethan once, years ago, we were invited to a dinner party. I was struck dumb on arrival when the hostess said,
'Now Aveline I'm relying on you to be the life and soul of the party' !! Eek. Awful memory.

Me too.

It was unthinkable before , but I'd consider a singles holiday .
I really miss my old friends -all of them have moved away and some of them abroad .
I've been invited to stay , but most of these friends have a new man ! At first , everything seems rosy and then I've noticed that the cuckoo effect has ensued .
From their messages, I gather that their menfolk don't like , enjoy nor appreciate any visits from their parents , children ,
siblings let alone old friends .
Difficult !
This week , I met up with one of my newer friends .
She chose the day , time and the venue .
As she's so much busier than I am I went with her preferences .
Before I arrived she was on the blower .
Where exactly was I ?
It was ten minutes before we met and I wasn't late .
She met me at the bustop and not I the cafe .
As we walked to the cafe .I had the itinerary recited yet again -I'd heard it the day before.
Sitting in the cafe I had to listen to the lists of her illnesses ,
past illnesses /examinations /operations and the forthcoming one .
It's minor , but they've decided to give her a general anaesthetic .
Then the allergies -none of which have been confirmed by a doctor or health professional .
Then the phobias .
The itinerary yet again .
We went to the supermarket having not had time for lunch .
It was yet another occasion when I felt slotted in at a momentary pause in her frantic day .
I realise that on the promise of a cinema trip or some other thing that I'm looking forward to that I'm just strung along .
She doesn't have any friends and I felt sorry for her as I do think that her family are breathtakingly selfish .
My friends don't like her .
Not once did she ask me about the heat stroke that I had last week .
Neither has she bothered to ask me about the serious repetitive chest infections that I've had since last November .
I wonder if her main interest in me is selling me stuff .
Sadly , I think that it is .
It's fine .
Sometimes my Christian principles get in the way of recognising negativity in people .
I've always got to think the very best and make endless allowances for them .
After five years and things definitely getting worse over the lastctwo years - ill health and regarding my time left on earth as increasingly precious -I am fed up being used .
There isn't going to be a major row , but a gradual slow cooling off period .
Sorry -correcting typos seems to delete my post !

In my experience, socialising with people I don't know well can be very stressful.

I think I am a good listener and that is perhaps because I find it easier to listen and respond than to actually start a conversation. It is difficult to know what to talk about, and how to progress from one subject to another (to avoid being seen as a "bore"), or how to politely extricate oneself from a conversation that seems to have run its course.

I find these things difficult, as I am sure many people do. There are, of course, people who enjoy social situations and who are "the life and soul of the party". It must be nice to be like that.

I was about to say that.
Their eyes were probably glazed over from boredom.

A lot in that group had a very basic education and were bemused by her theories on Mrs Bennett and the various Austen and Bronte characters.Blank looks.

kircubbin2000 definitely a case of "know your audience" here.
I like to think someone would have been quick to say, "Heavens, I didn't know we were doing an O-Level English lesson today."

It’s tough if you are at an evening dinner and can’t get away from a bore.
I made the mistake of mentioning a slight interest in family history to the chap on my left. Turned out he was researching his family tree, so took me back to the Norman Conquest, butcher, baker and candlestick maker…

Eloethan thankyou. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me on here!

keepingquiet That made me laugh. You seem like great fun.

Baggs

keepingquiet

Reminds me of a time I was at a table with a load of strangers. One woman said she could tell which women made their gravy from scratch and which made it from granules... I had nothing to contribute to that conversation.

This made me laugh and would have done at the time 😂

I'd have asked her which 'category' I belonged to.

I left and went to the pub! They had a band on and I won something in the raffle.

lemsip

If I'm in a group and one person is monopolizing the conversation another person should break in by asking a '
did anyone see question so changing subject and letting others in!

I was in a group like that and she just ignored attempts to break on. She appeared not to notice the eye rolls and expressions of some of us. A lot in that group had a very basic education and were bemused by her theories on Mrs Bennett and the various Austen and Bronte characters.Blank looks.

travelsafar

If people go on a solo holiday it's usually because they are single.
Therefore they only have themself to talk about and there opinions to express. What else are they going to talk about?? They could also be anxious and feel like they have to keep the conversation going or as someone else said perhaps they are lonely and don't get out much so go into overdrive trying to appear interesting to others. They could of course just be selfish rude people. 🤔🤔

⬆️ This ⬆️

Or if not selfish then just socially inept. I have a relation who talks at people at a great rate. As another relation said recently: "There are no pauses for anyone else to chip an and converse!"

It can be quite wearing but the person I'm talking about has the kindest heart and really does mean well. They are (pedants, should that be It is? when not wanting to reveal the sex of the person?) a lonely individual as well.

keepingquiet

Reminds me of a time I was at a table with a load of strangers. One woman said she could tell which women made their gravy from scratch and which made it from granules... I had nothing to contribute to that conversation.

This made me laugh and would have done at the time 😂

I'd have asked her which 'category' I belonged to.

If I'm in a group and one person is monopolizing the conversation another person should break in by asking a '
did anyone see question so changing subject and letting others in!

Optomistic1 That sounds awful. I am so sorry that your solo holiday has not, so far, been a great success.

Unfortunately, there are people who only want to talk about themselves. Conversations should be two-way, with each person contributing something. Because you are such an attentive listener, this probably encourages people to open up and tell you their life stories.

I hope you are able to find someone not so self-absorbed who you can have a companionable conversation with. There are likely to be other people there who feel the same as you and who would enjoy your company.

Optomistic1

I think half my problem is that I too friendly and interested in people and smile and nod too much! They therefore want to tell me everything! As I have said before glad it's not just me!

Maybe I will try a cruise next on my own ? At least as others have said there are lots of other people on there.

I feel for you Optomistic1. Don’t be put off going again, my friend does walking holidays all over the world and has made many good friends. My family say I have ‘speak to me’ stamped on my forehead as I always get everybody’s life stories on holidays and trips, particularly on trains and planes 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think it’s because I smile at people, not meaning anything, I just do.

Don't worry Optomistic1 I'm in a similar position most weeks at a class I attend. I just keep quiet and let the person talk - and I wonder if it is because she is perhaps rather lonely.
I do wonder sometimes though if I also fall into talking about myself as I too don't see people that often but it doesn't bother me because I'm lucky to have family around if needed.

You just have to remember that those me, me, me people are insecure and/or lack confidence. It's a veneer. You can sit back, relax and ignore them. Difficult but it can be done.

Well done Optimistic1 for making the brave decision to go on a solos holiday. It’s a pity you’re not enjoying it and feel that others are self absorbed.

Don’t be too despondent, I guess it always takes time to get to know someone, and it can be tricky if all they do is talk about themselves. I think this is probably quite normal on first meeting, some are used to being on their own, and talk about what is familiar to them.

I would cut them some slack, and try to take a genuine interest in some of the apparently nicer ones who appeal. It’s not for life, only for a holiday, and you may meet someone you gel with. I have a best friend who I really didn’t like initially, until I got to know her better.

LauraNorderr

Or was it Joe Pasqualle,

Yep.

This reminds me of our last choirmaster who loved telling us stories about his experiences in a very loud voice and never listened to any comments from the singers. After two and a half years he still didn't know anyone's name or anything about us and we had heard all his anecdotes several times over.

We spent weeks - months - preparing for a wedding. One of our sopranos was the mother of the bride. When she spoke to him just after the actual wedding., he looked at her in bafflement and asked if she was anything to do with the wedding party.

We now have a new choir mistress. Within two weeks she had asked for a photo of the choir with all names beside the faces and had memorised most of the regulars' names and a bit about them (who was married to whom, the fact that my mother tongue is English) and also concentrated on improving our singing techniques which is what we were continually trying to get her predecessor to do.

Or was it Joe Pasqualle,