Divorce while terminally ill?

Hopefully you will find a lovely care home for your mum- not always that easy if they don’t have a vacancy, even if you have the finances. Your mum & dad may get on slightly better, if the stress is taken off your dad. Having carers/ nurses coming into the home can cause no end of stress, which we have found/ last minute cancellations due to staff off sick, or late. Anyway good luck with whatever your mum chooses to do

There are bound to be some investments or pensions that can readily be liquidated. Property sale takes longer but a short term loan to cover immediate costs is easily arranged.

With an estate worth £8m there should be no reason why the best cannot be done for both of them.

Germanshepherdsmum

I agree it’s best not to alienate the father. He is the next of kin unless and until the marriage is dissolved, which is highly unlikely to happen in the circumstances. It’s best to keep him onside. He would probably contest an application for deputyship.

It’s clear that your mother would be better off in a care home and your father must see that such an arrangement would take the pressure off him. Yes, it will cost but it seems the only way forward and there is a lot of money available to pay for her care unless it’s all tied up in property and investments which can’t be readily liquidated. I suggest you get the hospital social worker involved and that you and your father talk this through with him/her, preferably not in your mother’s presence.

Agreed, both re how to involve father and the necessity of

and

Involve the hospital SW pdq for an assessment of need including a psyche evaluation..

atm it feels like Mum wants to magically remove father from the home (which won't happen) and be looked after there but also changes her mind.

I think if you explain that you want him to be OK too he will not see it as a failing or a punishment.

Yes, emphasise that you are concerned about him, too, that it is just too much for him.

I have known cases where the partner caring for someone when they are both older has been the one to go first, perhaps through the stress and sheer slog of trying to care for someone.

Your mother needs more specialised care and a good nursing home can provide that, alleviating your father from the worries. It's not as if money is a worry, restricting their choices.
I hope you can manage to help him see that is the reasonable thing to do.

If it were my mum, and the estate was so large I would find somewhere lovely for her and round the clock care.
I would want her to enjoy what she can of this last phase of her life without the pressure of your dad being so stressed.

I would want my dad to have the freedom to visit as an when he felt able so that means I would choose somewhere relatively close... and I'd want to bring him on board with any plan as he will (probably) be the one paying for it. If I'd got a few 100 thousand then I'd do it myself if need be.

I'd explain to dad that the only other options are him accepting a carer in their house or moving out and getting a carer in. Tell him, gently, but as you have told us, that you understand how difficult your mum is, that you can't bear her last minths/years to be miserable for her or for him or for you and your siblings.

I think if you explain that you want him to be OK too he will not see it as a failing or a punishment.

Sometimes we all just run out of energy.

What good is an inheritance if your mum's last months are miserable.

No winners here - but there could be a workable solution. 💐 to you all.

I agree it’s best not to alienate the father. He is the next of kin unless and until the marriage is dissolved, which is highly unlikely to happen in the circumstances. It’s best to keep him onside. He would probably contest an application for deputyship.

It’s clear that your mother would be better off in a care home and your father must see that such an arrangement would take the pressure off him. Yes, it will cost but it seems the only way forward and there is a lot of money available to pay for her care unless it’s all tied up in property and investments which can’t be readily liquidated. I suggest you get the hospital social worker involved and that you and your father talk this through with him/her, preferably not in your mother’s presence.

If your mother keeps changing her mind and does not remember visits, has she got the”capacity” to make decisions.

You should make any plans in conjunction with your father, do NOT alienate him, if he decides to be awkward it will make everything so much more difficult, not to mention more expensive because legal help will needed

It wouldn’t be practical to have a solicitor coming to visit each time you ask your mother about her wishes, and she may not speak in front of them. I wouldn’t expect a solicitor to want to do this anyway as if your mother subsequently changes her mind they will be in a difficult position.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice - incredibly helpful. Some builds on my original note:

Wills. Mum does have a mirror will in place (I’m told by my dad - haven’t seen it myself) ie upon the death of one party everything will fall to the other, then upon second death, onto us as children. A previous poster mentioned about changing wills if moved to a care home -

LPA / advanced wishes. We’ve been reluctant to have that conversation as the reality is mum often changes her mind, or can’t / says she can’t remember what she’s said. She apparently has no recollection of her being visited by her 3 adult children over the weekend… so I think perhaps applying to be a Deputy (https://www.gov.uk/become-deputy/responsibilities) might be the way to go. Seems like in the interim we need to start asking her and recording any directives she has. Does anyone have advice on whether we are best doing that in person or get a solicitor to come in (other than generally involving solicitors can start racking up the £££s)

I have known several couples who have split up during terminal illness and have had a more amicable relationship afterwards. Being the carer can be very hard, especially if there are mental problems. If it is affordable I think a carer coming in daily is needed. Possibly someone overnight as well.

Please act quickly on GSMs advice, truly does sound as though your mum could do with some protection and peace now. Are any of you in a position to take her in ?

With terminal cancer and unstable mental health I don’t think divorce is a practical course of action, just imagine a contested settlement if dad does not agree to proposed split.

Better to find care for mother, you could try care at home but full time care for someone confused and difficult is not going to be easy. A care home may be the only solution as they have large assets that is not a problem, do it.

You father (presumably) needs to realize that a care home is best and assets need to be found to pay for it, by all means check on the status of the wills and make any changes needed.

This is obviously difficult for you, you have your own experiences of each parent and have witnessed things for yourself

But it doesn't matter which of them is at fault or who is worse than the other, what matters is that your mum is clearly unhappy and wants to be out of that situation and not spend her last moments there

She has tried to leave that situation before too

Clearly she recognises the relationship is not healthy and she is the one who wants to end it so is the one who probably needs the most support

As hard as it is and as much of a fight you might have to get there, helping her is the right thing to do

BlueBelle

Splitting hairs I m sure we all know what poster meant they both have mental health problems

Exactly

Splitting hairs I m sure we all know what poster meant they both have mental health problems

If the dad is hoarding it doesn’t sound like good mental health does it?

Is it not obvious?

Germanshepherdsmum

*Mt61*, everyone has mental health. It might be good or bad.

Your point is!

I am in total agreement with GSM, as a solicitor she knows the legal options and the broad advice seemss practical and caring.

Germanshepherdsmum

*Mt61*, everyone has mental health. It might be good or bad.

Quite.. it's odd the way people use the term nowadays..

Mt61, everyone has mental health. It might be good or bad.

Sounds as if there is faults on both sides brought on by being shut up together in ill health circumstances
Both have different mental health issues and your mum a terminal condition it must be very nerve wracking for them both
Good advice from GSM
Forget about the evangelical friends they are not in the picture
I think mum and dad need saving from each other
As they have a good deal of money could the house be divided so they live separately, mum with a carer coming in, dad to live happily with his hoarding and perhaps visit each other if they wanted or ignore each other if not
If they both have different mental health diagnosis neither are really to be blamed and that may make mums last year happier

How awful for your mum & family. Could she do a living will? Not sure if it stands like a POA- try & get some advice ASAP. As for your dad sounds like he has a little bit of mental health- hoarding stuff (depends how bad) can be a clear sign of mental health. Maybe ring social services for support.

Divorce is not a quick process and your parents’ assets will ensure that the financial aspects are long drawn out. I don’t wish to cause upset, but your Mum may not live to the conclusion of the proceedings and it would be extremely stressful for her. Therefore action needs to be taken to protect whatever assets are hers.

My immediate suggestions would be that if she has mental capacity she makes a LPA and a will. You don’t say what their assets consist of, but presumably there is at least one house - if they hold any properties as joint tenants (which means that on the first death the survivor inherits the property), that needs to be changed to tenants in common so that your mother can leave her share as she wishes. The same applies to joint bank accounts. Your mother, with your help, needs to consult a solicitor immediately to ensure that whatever she owns is protected.

If she lacks mental capacity you will need to apply for guardianship. A solicitor will help you with this. Again this is not a quick process. I don’t think divorce is feasible at this stage but action can be taken to protect whatever assets your mother has and to help her to move into a care home if this is best for her.