Ghosting - rude or the only way?

I had a friend from school, she was my bridesmaid.

She and her DH had a lot of trouble with their neighbours, (their own fault actually) and a few years ago they decided to move. She told me she wasn’t giving out her new address details as she didn’t want neighbours to know where they were going. Fair enough. I gave her my e Mail and said keep in touch.

This was about 6 years ago and never heard another word.

Felt a bit hurt as we had never fallen out. Did she think we were expecting to be invited to go and stay etc? No, just would be nice to have a bit of catch up now and then, on line.

Oh well, no worries.

Imagine if you had been ghosted, as some posters have mentioned.
Wouldn’t you rather know?

I made a friend on Gransnet several years ago now. She didn't live in this country but messaged each every evening. One day she said she was going to an evening reception so would be late messaging.
I replied, not to worry as I could read all about it the following day
I never heard from her again.
I often wonder what happened that night

Ghosting is awful but sometimes necessary. When you want
out of a friendship that's run its course then yes infrequent
replies sometimes work but if they don't you have to be
direct and even that doesn't always work. The other person
can come back with why? Unfortunately ghosting is then
the only way.

Tuskanini

Reply to the messages (or some of them) with a brief, friendly acknowledgement, then delete. It costs you nothing and doesn’t leave her feeling rejected or worrying that you’re died. Your time isn’t THAT precious.

I agree with this. Leave it a couple of days before responding with something like 'Glad you're well and busy. I've been quite busy recently. I'm trying to get the garden sorted while the weather is nice.' You could pick on one particular thing she mentions to make a remark about and ignore the rest.

If her messages are all about the doings of her family then maybe she doesn't have much of a life either. So maybe your friendship is important to her.

Sidelined

I'm probably destined to keep answering as I can't be hurtful. I don't quite know why she bothers with me as I've not got much to offer. Perhaps she thinks, as my life must be so boring in comparison, she's doing me a favour?

If the mails are almost daily - goodness, where does she find the time! - then you're in a spot if you don't want to offend or be hurtful.

Perhaps the kindest way to deal with it without hurting her feelings is to simply say that you are for the moment quite busy and may not be able to respond to her mails in a timely manner. That way, she might just back off a bit.

Everyone has busy periods in their lives - you don't need to go into detail about it - just make sure she doesn't feel ignored but that you don't feel compelled to keep answering. You could even miss out a couple of responses, apologise, wish her well, congratulate her on her "successes", and just let it all dwindle.

When I write long emails to friends (which isn't that often) I always add that the recipient shouldn't feel compelled to answer in any great detail - and more importantly, at their leisure. I assume that, like me, they have quite a lot of 'life admin' going on, and what with text messages, WhatsApp, emails, 'phone calls, etc - all of which can be quite time-consuming - they won't necessarily have time to reply any time soon - or even at all.

Emojis are quite useful, too. An acknowledgement without the necessity for a written response?

I'm probably destined to keep answering as I can't be hurtful. I don't quite know why she bothers with me as I've not got much to offer. Perhaps she thinks, as my life must be so boring in comparison, she's doing me a favour?

I think ghosting is very unpleasant and unnecessary. You could let the friendship take its natural course drift off as a lot of relationships do. Ghosting is nasty and very hurtful why be like that to someone you once considered a friend.

BellaT2

As someone who was subjected to the ‘slow withdrawal’ method of ending a friendship, I’d like to say please don’t do this. My close friend of 30 years did this to me. She had always suffered from depression and sometimes went ‘awol’, so at first when she gave reasons for not meeting up - ‘feeling a bit low’, ‘busy with work’, etc., I continued my usual practice - get in touch every couple of months asking how she was, did she want to meet up. It took me about 18 months of this to realise I’d been dumped. I felt incredibly upset, bereft and humiliated. I wrote to her asking why she’d done this and she replied saying she didn’t really know and maybe we could just blame hormones. So please be honest. Just say your life has changed and whilst you appreciate the friendship that you’ve shared you’ll be ending it now and moving on. Much kinder in the long run.

It’s awful isn’t it and I still now 4 years on wonder why… She wouldn’t go to the Drs.

As someone who has been ghosted, I think it’s awful. We’d been friends since our teenage years, and she was always commenting on the lack of visits from one Son & DiL and grandchildren (she only wanted them to call her by her name) and how she wasn’t made to feel welcome when visiting them (other than that she wouldn’t go anywhere). she does lack confidence big time and never said anything to them. Us on the other hand were always busy and going out and got on with our DiL, Grandsons were always wanting sleep overs… Personally I would like to know if I had said or done something wrong 😑 so maybe explain why.

As someone who was subjected to the ‘slow withdrawal’ method of ending a friendship, I’d like to say please don’t do this. My close friend of 30 years did this to me. She had always suffered from depression and sometimes went ‘awol’, so at first when she gave reasons for not meeting up - ‘feeling a bit low’, ‘busy with work’, etc., I continued my usual practice - get in touch every couple of months asking how she was, did she want to meet up. It took me about 18 months of this to realise I’d been dumped. I felt incredibly upset, bereft and humiliated. I wrote to her asking why she’d done this and she replied saying she didn’t really know and maybe we could just blame hormones. So please be honest. Just say your life has changed and whilst you appreciate the friendship that you’ve shared you’ll be ending it now and moving on. Much kinder in the long run.

Definitely the less contact till she loses interest, unless she confronts you with it in some way. In that case what Oreo said, " tell her that you have too much going on to keep constantly emailing". You'd have to be honest tho at that point, ie either say no contact or monthly catch ups or similar.

I was friends with someone for many years. She became very poorly. Every week for a whole I took a meal or a Victoria sandwich for her and her husband. Not once did they say they enjoyed whatever I took. Last Christmas I made a Christmas cake for them. The husband called at my home in January and said "I am returning the plate of the Christmas cake" Not a thank you or it was nice. Well, I thought to myself, "that's it, 12 months and not a word of appreciation" I have not been to their home since. I do feel guilty but friendship is a two way thing.

I always feel 'ghosting' is a nasty thing to do and it's a product of the way our society is going, i.e tech based, so rather inhuman. I would try to be honest in as gentle a way as you can.

I started communicating with an ex work colleague and at first it was good to catch up on our lives and families. It was almost every day at first but then I found that once a week was enough for me but she continued every day. I think she must have got fed up with my replies once every so often that she ghosted me! It was a relief as I didn't want to be rude.

VioletSky

It doesn't actually matter if you do it slow or fast, whether you wait a week to reply or just stop now, the implication the same

If you back of gradually you also may get follow up emails, questions about why you aren't replying and then that is where even trickier ground is crossed that involves excuses and potentially being dishonest

Better to just reach out and tell the truth, that the relationship feels too one sided and you wish her all the best then don't reply again

Better to just reach out and tell the truth, that the relationship feels too one sided and you wish her all the best then don't reply again

I kind of agree with this.

It's the most honest way of dealing with the situation.

My only worry would be - what if the friend replies with an 'urgent' and 'apologetic' message, wanting to put things right, so to speak?

It's difficult isn't it?

One of my best friends did this. I phoned one morning and she told me not to call as the men were coming. The movers. Then she asked me not to tell anyone where she had gone.Nevet heard from her again although I heard she's in Devon.

Reply to the messages (or some of them) with a brief, friendly acknowledgement, then delete. It costs you nothing and doesn’t leave her feeling rejected or worrying that you’re died. Your time isn’t THAT precious.

I agree with others slowly slowly back off with the replies. If she confronts you about it just say I don’t do much so don’t have much to say. That’s what I’d do. Don’t be her audience.

Someone many years ago suddenly disappeared from all her local contacts telling us she was moving away. She did not contact friends or family again & we then found that she had moved elsewhere so that no one could find her. More annoyed than anything else as we were supposed to be friends but maybe she just did not like the fact that she had been a bit too open about the ‘boyfriends’ that she had especially the married one who she was seen with too often. Glad she did this as it was getting too much for myself & another friend to cope with. Not a nice thing to have done to you though. Would rather be told the truth!

Thanks for your thoughts. It's a difficult one. No one wants to feel they're friendship is no longer wanted, do they. I've tried leaving big gaps between messages and encouraging her to do the same but the message isn't getting through. She is a nice person but our contact has become reduced to retelling of what she's been doing and what her various family members have been doing etc. We don't even share the hobby any more. I hate the idea of having to be blunt or the other option but I'm not sure I can put up with the tedium much longer but I'll give it a go.

Boz

I work on the rule of 3.
If after three times of trying to make contact; arrange something but getting "put off". call it a day and accept your friendship if not wanted.
I was "ghosted" like this and accepted it but freely admit the relationship didn't mean much to me!
On the other hand I once did a brutal dismissal of a woman I had known for 20 years and then regretted it as it made her tearful and lowered her already very poor self esteem.
There is a need to be careful and I advocate a slow slipping away.

Yes, that sounds like a good idea. As they say, if something is important to someone, they will find a way of responding. I was told by a friend that the friendship was over as I could not make lunch when she wanted. TBH I was really glad as all she did was moan. Sadly, I had to 'ghost' a friend from another continent as all she could talk about was her matching curtains and patio tiling for two hours. I told her I was having a social media break and just did not bother any more.

I work on the rule of 3.
If after three times of trying to make contact; arrange something but getting "put off". call it a day and accept your friendship if not wanted.
I was "ghosted" like this and accepted it but freely admit the relationship didn't mean much to me!
On the other hand I once did a brutal dismissal of a woman I had known for 20 years and then regretted it as it made her tearful and lowered her already very poor self esteem.
There is a need to be careful and I advocate a slow slipping away.

VioletSky

It doesn't actually matter if you do it slow or fast, whether you wait a week to reply or just stop now, the implication the same

If you back of gradually you also may get follow up emails, questions about why you aren't replying and then that is where even trickier ground is crossed that involves excuses and potentially being dishonest

Better to just reach out and tell the truth, that the relationship feels too one sided and you wish her all the best then don't reply again

I think this is the way to do it. If you’re on social media or text or WhatsApp with her, block all those and send an email as VioletSky suggests. It’s the kindest way to tell her the relationship has run it’s course. Then no more communication.

I would not acknowledge anything she mentions about her family , make you replies general and about the hobby you share, like others have said try not to reply to every Email

My understanding of "ghosting" is when you suddenly stop replying to messages. The poor soul at the ther end is left hanging, wondering if you are dead, ill, or what they have done to offend you.

Unless I am actually angry with the other person I would go for the slow fade out as detailed above. Your friend has done nothing to offend you. Simply you have moved in different directions and your association has run its natural course.

Reply to maybe one in three messages and make your replies short and general. with a brisk tone. You can also reference how busy you are with family/business matters and sign off "In haste" as I do when I send a holding message to a customer.

I dont think this is unkind. Eventually your correspondant will find someone else to listen to her chatty news.