Invisibility cloak

One thing is that we all become invisible even to our former friends upon a bereavement, especially, when one is widowed, as folk just do not know what to say to one.

Not if the friends are good enough. I have 'withdrawn' a bit from my work mates since my daughter died earlier this year. I need the space. I'm an introvert anyway though not unsociable (people often misunderstand introversion). My work-mates have been universally supportive without being pushy. They are worth their weight in gold (and more!) as the saying goes.

That said, the death of a child is not widowhood, nor vice versa.

I don't think my mum felt invisible after mt dad died. I got the impression her friends were as true as ever.

Read a very interesting piece about a journalist who had spent time with Marilyn Monroe, their first meeting was at a restaurant.

Despite his best efforts he was late arriving and was astonished to find her sitting waiting quietly in a corner, completely alone and unnoticed. They had lunch and all through lunch she was left in peace. She was warm and friendly, in what he later described as her "Norma Jean Mode".

Then, just as they were about to leave the restaurant, she suddenly changed into "Marilyn" and all at once everyone became aware of her and she was mobbed. He said it was astonishing, as if she had just turned on a light switch.

I don't know if we mere mortals could achieve the same feat but I think it has something to do with image projection, posture, body language, and confidence.

If you watch gorillas you can always spot the senior alpha male, it's all in their posture and movement, they exude power and authority. And they don't need clothing to do it.

I think height can be an advantage.

I have never been ignored but I think that might be because I was 5ft 7. Also I had it drilled into me to stand straight and have good posture. Add 3 inch heels when I was younger and I was probably quite impressive and not easily overlooked.

I am now 5ft 6 and can only wear smaller heels, 2" max. But I still have good posture and I think my pure white hair also makes me stand out.

Standing to one's full height, head held up and shoulders back can make a huge difference in how we are perceived. Slouching can easily lose you a couple inches.

You can also use clothing to make oneself look taller and move impressive. Top to toe one colour dressing, well fitted tailoring with coats and jackets that have structured shoulders all help the illusion of height.

And of course colour can help, Especially in the winter when often all we see is a sea of black, grey and navy. A red or winter white coat or jacket will make you stand out from the crowd and get you noticed.

My BEST experience was a family celebration in an Italian restaurant with all my family - children, their spouses and several grandchildren. The Italian service staff treated me like royalty -or rather like the matriarch of the dynasty.

How odd. At the very least extremely rude.

I was in some public toilets recently washing my hands. A teenage girl came out of one of the other toilets, stood right beside me to get soap, then shoved her hands over mine under the tap to wash them. There were six or seven other taps she could have used.

I was a bit taken aback and initially said 'Excuse me???' then when she shoved her hands above mine shouted 'Oyyyy!' in her ear. Not a blink, not a sign that she could even see me or hear me.

Went out and said to MrA 'Am I invisible?? Am I really here?? Can you see me??'

LucyAnna2

I wasn’t keen on the idea that you can *achieve far more with some feminine charm than by being a strident feminist*

I have zero feminine charm. I think I know what it is but I'm pretty sure I don't have any. I seem to have got by without it.

grandtanteJE65

One thing is that we all become invisible even to our former friends upon a bereavement, especially, when one is widowed, as folk just do not know what to say to one.

Another factor is that single women eating in public have always tended to be parked at the most out-of-the-way-table and then ignored.

There is only one remedy: speak up for yourself. If someone is served before you, say. "Excuse me, I came first." If waiters ignore you, signal again and if told "that's not my table" then ask for the person whose table it is to have his elbow jogged.

If you want your plate removed, ask, or simply get to your feet. The waitress will come fast enough if she thinks you are trying to leave without pay.ing. More politely, you could ask fairly loudly for your bill.

The first paragraph - again, I was not ignored when my husband died. I had read that people were ignored, but I found it was not true in my case. People I didn’t know well just said “I’m so sorry”, and friends were wonderfully helpful.

Germanshepherdsmum

Ask the question of a man.

Why?

One thing is that we all become invisible even to our former friends upon a bereavement, especially, when one is widowed, as folk just do not know what to say to one.

Another factor is that single women eating in public have always tended to be parked at the most out-of-the-way-table and then ignored.

There is only one remedy: speak up for yourself. If someone is served before you, say. "Excuse me, I came first." If waiters ignore you, signal again and if told "that's not my table" then ask for the person whose table it is to have his elbow jogged.

If you want your plate removed, ask, or simply get to your feet. The waitress will come fast enough if she thinks you are trying to leave without pay.ing. More politely, you could ask fairly loudly for your bill.

What is an “old lady hairdo”, please?

Ive never had this problem fortunately, it must be rather disconcerting.
I am however 5’ 11”, don’t wear beige or make up, but am quite capable of speaking out in a discreet, but insistent manner if required.

Indeed it can.

LucyAnna2

I wasn’t keen on the idea that you can *achieve far more with some feminine charm than by being a strident feminist*

Take out the words "feminine" and "a feminist."
Charm can work much better than being strident, whoever you are 😉

Ask the question of a man.

I wasn’t keen on the idea that you can achieve far more with some feminine charm than by being a strident feminist

LucyAnna2

*feminine charm* !! Bit sexist!

And should one choose to “dress as an old lady” (perhaps because one has health issues that make it difficult to wear trendy clothes) that shouldn’t automatically mean being ignored in restaurants.

I thought this when I was fifteen and my dad said my outfit was "not very feminine". I was wearing some old trousers and a shirt that had belonged to my older brother. We were about to go on a longish cycle ride.

I said: "I don't have to try to be feminine; I'm feminine by definition."

My dad, being a philosopher, accepted my point. I should have used female instead of feminine but at fifteen.....

Anyway, I've never felt invisible whatever I've been wearing be it total scruffs or a ball gown for Scottish dancing (proper dancing, not ceilidh).

Germanshepherdsmum

Not sexist at all. And I haven’t mentioned trendy clothes as I don’t wear fast fashion. However if you dress to be invisible don’t be surprised if you are treated accordingly.

I will go out in my clown suit from now on! What a silly comment.

I first realised I was socially invisible when I was registering as a mature student on a course. I was in my late thirties and the other students were fresh out of college.
I had always considered my self a friendly, sociable person and would talk to anyone in a queue- but something made me realise it wasn't that the kids were ignoring me, they were just so busy eyeing up each other they just didn't see me!
Later on, I formed sometimes lasting friendships with a few of them so I feel it is an instant judgement thing I think we all make.
A few years later I challenged a young man serving at a bar who had completely ignored me and served several others first. He was genuinely shocked when I asked him if I was invisible to him, and admitted he hadn't noticed me!
Now I don't put up with being ignored and mention it straight away if I feel I have been overlooked. I am not small, certainly don't wear beige clothes (but why should that matter)? I consider myself to be someone worthy of attention if I'm spending money somewhere.
If it happens to you, you will know what this post is about. If not then it may happen to you. Just speak about it to the person who has ignored you and don't make a fuss. I am sure there are people we pass and don't notice all the time!

Not sexist at all. And I haven’t mentioned trendy clothes as I don’t wear fast fashion. However if you dress to be invisible don’t be surprised if you are treated accordingly.

feminine charm !! Bit sexist!

And should one choose to “dress as an old lady” (perhaps because one has health issues that make it difficult to wear trendy clothes) that shouldn’t automatically mean being ignored in restaurants.

Agree 100% with madeleine45

Im 5 ft 8 ins so taller than quite a lot of men and I make sure I am seen and heard. I was also in management and lecturing so I know how to make my voice carry. I dont hesitate to tell people that I am next.

I do think a proper invisibility cloak would be great fun and I thought this post was going to be about donning one. Oh, what a time I would have, out and about, wearing my special cloak.

I would not want the kind of cloak the Spanish Emperor wore in his town procession.

I don't wear makeup, lipstick, perfume, hair dye or bright clothing. I make eye contact and have a smile and no one ignores me. I think eye contact is the key to getting service.

I have frequently taken male clients to lunch or dinner and never found it necessary to belittle waiting staff when they assumed my clients were choosing the wine or paying the bill. It has always been my experience that you achieve far more with some feminine charm than by being a strident feminist. I never leave home without some eye makeup and I don’t style my hair or dress as an old lady. A nice smile is a great asset too.

I am about 5 ft 6in have white hair and have very little problem like this. That is partly because I have travelled and lived abroad and travelled with family and on my own. I am polite and do not think that I am entitled to be served before my turn because of my age ither. So as I am an eldest child I was always the one delegated to get things for my sister etc from the earliest age. I used to have real copper hair and stand no nonsense. One useful thing is that as a lecturer and also having acted I have a voice that carries . So I have a selection of things that I do. Firstly if I am ignored and someone who has come into the restaurant after me is being served, I dont need to shout but can say in a clear carrying voice " I think I was here first and you need to take my order (or give me a menu or whatever) I look at them without blinking, say nothing else, but continue to look at them in a straightforward way, neither shouting or looking angry but making it clear that I expect to be replied to etc. I was head of the communications for a large company and once was taking a computer service chap to lunch as he had been very helpful in a difficult situation. I had rung and booked the table. When the waiter came up to us, he spoke to the man, not me, offered the wine for him to try etc. Again in quite a clear voice that could be heard round the whole place, I just said, you seem to be under the illusion that this gentleman made the booking. You are mistaken and this is my booking. He looked quite red and I made no further comment at the time but held out my hand for the menu or whatever. He even still started to give the bill to the man but a clear look from me had him turning red again and bringing it to me. I paid the bill and said goodbye to my guest. Then turned back into the restaurant and asked to see the manager. I told him that I might give them one more chance but if ever I booked a meal and was treated like this again, not only would I personally not go there again, but I would ensure that they lost all the business from my firm. We need to stop this sort of behaviour and if we just let them carry on without challenging it they will continue to do so. I never swear and always try to make sure that if there is a need to complain that I do so to the correct person. Whilst it is annoying that waiting staff treat you with disdain you need to speak to the manager or owner of the place as it is there basic fault. They are responsible for training their staff and if this is not done properly they should be told of it. When I once had a similar situation when dining alone , I spoke to the manager who was very off hand , did not really even apologise for the poor service , so I then told him that my husband worked for a company that had up to that time used their place quite often. i was often included as I had the languages to speak to foreign visitors. That I would not be coming to his place again and so any time I was requested to be available I would make sure that we did not go to his place. What a sudden change of attitude there was! Not that it di him any good. As I promised we never used his restaurant again where I was concerned and he probably lost quite a bit of money. Never make idle threats , but do as you say you will. At the very least they will think twice before behaving in that way again. Of course at the same time when you find a well run place where you are treated with respect definitely pass them on to others and give them your custom. At 79 now, I have not changed one bit when it comes to being treated properly , but of course I am very happy to thank people for good service. Especially if they do something extra from their own efforts. So just last week I sent an email to Cafe Nero, to tell them how very good their staff were in the Thirsk branch. They are always pleasant and helpful but on this day my back was very painful and I was having difficulty walking. They know me there and a member of staff came round and took my cup etc and went to get my coffee so that I did not have to go to the counter. She could see I was struggling and I appreciated her help on this occasion. So I sent an email to the head office, they replied saying they were pleased with my email and that the area manager would be telling the staff there. So to me that is as important to recognise good in what people do and make sure that that gets noticed too. I intend to remain my stroppy self until the day I die!!! Join me and dont be taken for granted.

So as a woman you have to be wear bright colours and make up to be noticed? Wow. I too have experienced this - especially when waiting at the bar amongst young attractive (and tall!) people. I also think that when I’m on my own the waiting and any poor service seems worse, as there’s no one to moan to. Oh for the days when I turned heads when I walked into a room - make up or no make up 😂