Late Daughter's husband

I was thinking that it may have been discussed beforehand, and possibly agreed that he need not be alone for long.

If your DD had been ill for some time before perhaps they discussed this before.
If not perhaps he may have just missed adult company. I would try and keep a cool head over this if you are able. See how it develops, I would caution him against introducing her to his DD's yet. Only because they don't want to feel pushed out while they are still getting used to being without a mother.

So very sad to learn of the death of your daughter. Many wise words of comfort here on how to best handle this very sensitive and delicate situation. I can only agree with others, that you should meet with your son-in-law to hear his explanation regarding the new relationship. She may just be a kind and caring friend. Continue to be there for your grandchildren, as I’m certain you will be, and also for your son-in-law. Sending a warm hug to you and your family. 💐

You sound like a wonderful caring Granny and MIL.. It is very much to your credit that he wants to come and talk to you and I think you can be a very steadying influence at the moment.. It is very common in times of grief to reach out for affection and I think having you around when he is with this new partner will probably be very helpful for him to navigate this new relationship. It may well be temporary but you are there for along time hopefully.. I hope you can also support each other in this terrible time as well.. he'll surely need you..

First of all please accept my sincere condolences .
Something similar happened in my family and I felt really upset at the time .
Marriage was mooted and many people had a great deal to say about it .
But though it's seems disrespectful it's how your son in law is dealing with grief .
Maybe this new lady can really help him through this painful period .
She may or may not be permanent .
Sending you hugs .

You've had some excellent, compassionate and sensible advice already, so I probably don't really need to join in, but I want to say that people are such complicated, complex creatures that sometimes even they themselves would have difficulty in explaining their actions and emotions.

Paul McCartney, after the wife he always appeared to adore (Linda) died of cancer, publicly stated that he was not a man who could live alone and made his ill-fated marriage to the second wife whom he divorced bitterly, before swiftly thereafter marrying his current wife.

For myself, I believe I'll be reunited with my late husband, whom I adore - I would feel that I was being unfaithful to him if I let any other man into my heart romantically. (Never gonna happen - nobody measures up to my George!)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we are all incredibly different from each other, so please try not to feel betrayed and hurt on your daughter's behalf, just be glad that he was a good husband to her and is a good father to her sons.

And please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss. I truly believe you'll be reunited with your daughter in time.

This may not be the case, but there are some very predatory types ready to pounce if the opportunity arises. I think with your son in-law’s best interests in mind, you need to meet and get to know the girlfriend. All may be well, alternatively your son in law could see his relationship in a whole new light.

B9exchange

The counsellors at the hospice describe men grieving in two ways. They either cannot contemplate another relationship and are left incapable with their grief, or they cannot cope with the emptiness of their lives, and seek a new partner almost immediately. Some of these rushed new relationships work really well, strangely. I am so sorry for your loss and can fully understand how difficult this must seem to you, like betraying your daughter's memory, but everyone has to find their own way of coping. Give the new girlfriend a chance, if it works out, the children will have a very important female model in their lives. They will never forget their mum, and you will help them keep those memories alive, you will always be there for them if you don't alienate a new partner.

👏👏👏

I was a child of three when my mother died. I had three older brothers. My dad met my stepmother and married less than two tears later it was 1965 were things different then? It’s only as I got older I thought about this my step sister felt the same we get in great but bath didn’t have the best childhood. As both parents never seemed happy. Life is difficult and I send you my love and condolences on your lovely daughter.

Can I just add that this new relationship may not last but you can be a constant in the lives of your grandchildren come what may. So don't let your sadness come between you and them. So, do whatever it takes for them.

Wise as always, baggs.

I am very sorry to hear about your daughter.

It does seem very quick, I agree, but men in particular often seem to move on swiftly.

The trouble is, he might get another wife, but you won’t get another daughter.

As others have said, listen to what he has to say, but obviously let him know that for you, it is all still very raw.

So, so sorry.Cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through.
Your late daughter’s husband is not unusual in seeking someone a few months after her passing. I have heard of a few high profile men who lost their wives/partners and were seen out and about with someone else not long afterwards. And a cousin of mine who lost his wife to cancer when fairly young with kids got married to someone else just a year and a half later.
He must be finding it really hard with the children even with your help and craves a more normal life with a significant other to help out and have a grown up relationship with. It could seem too soon to you but it might have seemed like an eternity to him.
And as others have said this could just be a temporary thing but if it isn’t that could be a good thing for the kids, they need consistency right now.
He is probs bone weary and really lonely.
But if you don’t feel ready to meet this new woman it is entirely your right to say so, just say you are not ready to face this situation at the moment, kindly, without rancour.
I wish you all the very best. Xx

Oh Fionamay I am so so sorry to hear of your daughter it is a parents worst nightmare and I really do offer you a big hug

I would find it very hard for someone to move on so quickly it does seem most often to be men, but when my cousin was very ill and died his wife was already meeting up with the man whose wife was also dying in hospital, and within a very very short time, a couple of weeks they were a couple, I found it totally disrespectful and have only seen her to nod to since, I often wonder if my poor cousin knew ( there was no children involved)
I do hope this works out ok for the children and you can find some peace 💐

Nannarose

I am so sorry, how difficult for you all. I have often noted these 'rebound' relationships, and think they can be a reaction to grief.
You don't say how well you got on generally before you daughter's death. Certainly express no opinion as to how you view this new relationship.
I think, broadly it is OK to say 'I'm sure you realise that we are struggling a bit with this, but of course are here for you & the kids'
He probably won't suggest it yet, but if asked to meet the new 'someone' I think you should have a response ready. You may feel the need to meet her if she is spending time with the children. But I also think it OK to say 'Do you mind if we don't just yet - I think we need a bit longer'. Don't say it in a way that makes him feel bad, just to explain that is now you feel.

I'd like to add that I have known a good few of these relationships last and be very good for the children. That is not what is on your mind now, but your grandchildren need you to keep things on an even keel.

Exactly this. Nanarose explains my thoughts far better than I could.

I will add though, as a child who lost her mother far too young, my father remarried quickly. The maternal family (and my mothers friends) we remained in contact with, were the ones who supported my new reality. The ones who accepted the new status quo. The ones who let me lead on if we talked about my mother or not. There were very lovely adults who I loved dearly who let me know with actions that I was grieving improperly and being cruel to my mother by accepting my stepmother. We let those friendships fade. My stepmother tried to befriend these women, but their grief was too entrenched. Their love my my mother not strong enough to see how the children thrived without her.
Feel your grief. It’s real and normal and natural. But be aware of how it impacts children.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this fionamay10

My heart goes out to you losing your daughter and your grandchildren so young to lose their mummy I am so sorry. Listen and see what he has to say though and take one day at a time. Are his parents supportive too, if not, maybe she is more a sympathetic friend for him to offload and help him. All very hard for you💐

Baggs that is a very generous and thoughtful response.

My brother-in-law quite swiftly married his wife's closest friend. She had supported him through their shared grief and was a truly lovely person.

Grief is a lonely place (as you know).
I do hope she is also lovely.

So sad for you and it must be hard but we all grieve differently and this is probably his way of coping.

Very wise words above so far fionamay10. All I can offer is great sympathy to you for a diffcult situation for you all on top of your grief.

Fionamay, so sorry to hear about your daughter's death. Six years ago I was in exactly the same position as you, so I can say I understand how you feel.
After nursing her and looking after the children my daughter died of cancer. O.H. and I did all we could to help and support son-in-law. Saturday nights we always babysat so that he could go out for a game of darts with his mates. Four months later one of the gossips in our village told me he ws seeing a younger woman. It was quite a shock. Things moved on quite quickly after that, he moved her into their house. Children were very upset. When we went round she made it plain she was in charge and we would have to ring before calling to collect the children. The oldest child went to live with his other Gran, and we continued to keep in contact with the youngest. I dont know how but I managed to stay in touch, I felt I was doing this for my daughter. Two years later the girl friend moved out, but it was a terribly distressing time coming so soon after my daughter's death. My heart goes out to you.

I'm so sorry Fionamay, this must be so very difficult for you.

Grief is so complex - and so are people. There have already been some wise words for you here and you are clearly a loving and compassionate person.

Not quite the same but I'll tell you anyway. My best friend's husband died just over 2 years ago. She nursed him through stage 4 cancer and his end of life wasn't pleasant for either of them .

Just 6 weeks after his death she took up with a friend of theirs who had been widowed some 6 or maybe 9 months earlier. 3 weeks late he moved in with her.

I know there were, understandably, some issues with both her late husband's family and her own. But difficult as it was, I refused to judge her. We have been best friends for 60 years. We know each other's secrets and have watched each other go through good and bad times - always supporting each other. I love her dearly.

She is still with the "new" partner but she always tells me that she misses her husband so much and still can't believe that he's not going to walk through the door and that she would give anything to have him back. I believe her.

So maybe for some people, embarking on a new relationship so soon after the death of a partner is a combination of a subconscious distraction strategy coupled with it being their way of dealing with their grief.

I genuinely hope this will pan out in a way that makes everyone happy. You are a very important stable in the lives of your grandchildren right now and I hope you find some joy in remembering your beloved daughter through her children.

OP your loss is monumental and you have my prayers..to see/hear your son-in-law dating so soon would really upset me too - I hope you can see your grandchildren often as they need you 💐

I'm terribly sorry to read of your great loss. I hope you are getting all the support you need around this. I find Marie Curie helpline very useful and I think they will talk to people in all circumstances.

Let him come round and explain, and then you explain how you feel. Keep it low kep, talk about feelings and do not let it get confrontational.

I think, for men in particularly, if someone has been kind and listened to them and their grief - and that is more likely to be a woman than another man, it is easy, at a time when all his emotions are overwhelming him for him to develop a relationship with that person.

My expeience is that these are rarely lasting relationships, but they help the bereaved cope in the early months. Acept it, however difficult. It is not that your daughter is forgotten, but simply he needs someone to lean on in these early months after losing her.

I'm sorry, parents worst nightmare is death of their child.

Perhaps just listen, say nothing, wait quietly, prepare yourself to listen respectfully in silence. I'd ask to not "meet" the partner for a bit, I need time (as expressed well by others).