Late Daughter's husband

Hi

Just need to chat

Sorry to hear about your daughter; so very difficult for you, and such a short while ago.

I'd feel exactly the same as you, regarding the new girlfriend, but, I suppose you'll have to hear him out, as at least he wants to discuss it.
I sound like an old fart, I'm sure, but people these days seem to move on so quickly.

Hello

I am sorry to hear about your daughter. This is all incredibly raw and difficult for you and it is completely understandable you are knocked sideways.

I would let him come over to explain and I think it is okay to say how upset you are but I don;t think it will change anything.

Some people just don't cope well being alone. He will have been through a grieving process whilst your daughter was ill and he may well have been in shock to start seeing someone quite so quickly. I have not lost a partner but he is presumably a young man and this is very unusual situation to be found in, feeling such grief and loss when your contemporaries only have the normal everyday worries of young family life, plus he is having to manage the children's well being (as I imagine you are too)

I know it is difficult to accept that life moves on after someone dies so young it is completely normal to feel how you do

The new partner may not be serious.

Some people do move on quickly. When my friend was dying, her husband started clearing the house for his new life afterwards. He was a kind man and was obviously in distress and she had no idea really as she was confined to one room - but I found it quite hurtful. After she died he said he had little time to waste because of his age and he needed to move on, but I must admit I found his attitude quite upsetting - though I understood he was grieving too. Grief is complicated

I am so sorry, how difficult for you all. I have often noted these 'rebound' relationships, and think they can be a reaction to grief.
You don't say how well you got on generally before you daughter's death. Certainly express no opinion as to how you view this new relationship.
I think, broadly it is OK to say 'I'm sure you realise that we are struggling a bit with this, but of course are here for you & the kids'
He probably won't suggest it yet, but if asked to meet the new 'someone' I think you should have a response ready. You may feel the need to meet her if she is spending time with the children. But I also think it OK to say 'Do you mind if we don't just yet - I think we need a bit longer'. Don't say it in a way that makes him feel bad, just to explain that is now you feel.

I'd like to add that I have known a good few of these relationships last and be very good for the children. That is not what is on your mind now, but your grandchildren need you to keep things on an even keel.

So sorry for the loss of your daughter. You are grieving and to find your son in law is already in a relationship with another person must be hard to take.
I'm sure your main concern is your grandchildren. Speak to your son in law and let him explain.
Try not to be judgemental as you don't want to alienate him. I would advise him to take things slowly with the new relationship and not bring someone into the children's lives while they are grieving for their mother. By that I mean not living together and only some contact with the children for a while.
It's far too soon for the children accept your new partner.

I've found one of the hardest things to come to terms with, is the knowledge that for other people, life moves on.

That will always hurt, whether it happens over time, or quickly, I think.

It's not disrespectful, fionamay. He has to live his best life. Seeing someone else does not mean he loved your daughter any less.

I speak as one in the same position as you. My daughter died earlier this year too and left two sons. The boys could not have a better father and he is being absolutely marvellous but I shall be glad if and when he meets someone else because, as my grandsons' father he is just as important to me as my daughter was. One of the hardest things about my grief is knowing how hellish it must be for him.

There is no substitute for the lost wife but there might be comfort to be had in having someone else to share your life with.

The counsellors at the hospice describe men grieving in two ways. They either cannot contemplate another relationship and are left incapable with their grief, or they cannot cope with the emptiness of their lives, and seek a new partner almost immediately. Some of these rushed new relationships work really well, strangely. I am so sorry for your loss and can fully understand how difficult this must seem to you, like betraying your daughter's memory, but everyone has to find their own way of coping. Give the new girlfriend a chance, if it works out, the children will have a very important female model in their lives. They will never forget their mum, and you will help them keep those memories alive, you will always be there for them if you don't alienate a new partner.

Fionamay I am very sorry about your daughter, only a few months ago, any parents worst nightmare.
Her children too, so young to lose their mum, it’s very sad.
As for your son in law, I understand completely why you are struggling with this and it’s to your credit that you are happy for him, though still understandably have mixed feelings about the timing. It’s a lot to accept so soon.
You are grieving and I hope the meeting with him goes as well as is possible in the circumstances .

I'm sorry, parents worst nightmare is death of their child.

Perhaps just listen, say nothing, wait quietly, prepare yourself to listen respectfully in silence. I'd ask to not "meet" the partner for a bit, I need time (as expressed well by others).

Let him come round and explain, and then you explain how you feel. Keep it low kep, talk about feelings and do not let it get confrontational.

I think, for men in particularly, if someone has been kind and listened to them and their grief - and that is more likely to be a woman than another man, it is easy, at a time when all his emotions are overwhelming him for him to develop a relationship with that person.

My expeience is that these are rarely lasting relationships, but they help the bereaved cope in the early months. Acept it, however difficult. It is not that your daughter is forgotten, but simply he needs someone to lean on in these early months after losing her.

I'm terribly sorry to read of your great loss. I hope you are getting all the support you need around this. I find Marie Curie helpline very useful and I think they will talk to people in all circumstances.

OP your loss is monumental and you have my prayers..to see/hear your son-in-law dating so soon would really upset me too - I hope you can see your grandchildren often as they need you 💐

I'm so sorry Fionamay, this must be so very difficult for you.

Grief is so complex - and so are people. There have already been some wise words for you here and you are clearly a loving and compassionate person.

Not quite the same but I'll tell you anyway. My best friend's husband died just over 2 years ago. She nursed him through stage 4 cancer and his end of life wasn't pleasant for either of them .

Just 6 weeks after his death she took up with a friend of theirs who had been widowed some 6 or maybe 9 months earlier. 3 weeks late he moved in with her.

I know there were, understandably, some issues with both her late husband's family and her own. But difficult as it was, I refused to judge her. We have been best friends for 60 years. We know each other's secrets and have watched each other go through good and bad times - always supporting each other. I love her dearly.

She is still with the "new" partner but she always tells me that she misses her husband so much and still can't believe that he's not going to walk through the door and that she would give anything to have him back. I believe her.

So maybe for some people, embarking on a new relationship so soon after the death of a partner is a combination of a subconscious distraction strategy coupled with it being their way of dealing with their grief.

I genuinely hope this will pan out in a way that makes everyone happy. You are a very important stable in the lives of your grandchildren right now and I hope you find some joy in remembering your beloved daughter through her children.

Fionamay, so sorry to hear about your daughter's death. Six years ago I was in exactly the same position as you, so I can say I understand how you feel.
After nursing her and looking after the children my daughter died of cancer. O.H. and I did all we could to help and support son-in-law. Saturday nights we always babysat so that he could go out for a game of darts with his mates. Four months later one of the gossips in our village told me he ws seeing a younger woman. It was quite a shock. Things moved on quite quickly after that, he moved her into their house. Children were very upset. When we went round she made it plain she was in charge and we would have to ring before calling to collect the children. The oldest child went to live with his other Gran, and we continued to keep in contact with the youngest. I dont know how but I managed to stay in touch, I felt I was doing this for my daughter. Two years later the girl friend moved out, but it was a terribly distressing time coming so soon after my daughter's death. My heart goes out to you.

Very wise words above so far fionamay10. All I can offer is great sympathy to you for a diffcult situation for you all on top of your grief.

So sad for you and it must be hard but we all grieve differently and this is probably his way of coping.

My brother-in-law quite swiftly married his wife's closest friend. She had supported him through their shared grief and was a truly lovely person.

Grief is a lonely place (as you know).
I do hope she is also lovely.

Baggs that is a very generous and thoughtful response.

My heart goes out to you losing your daughter and your grandchildren so young to lose their mummy I am so sorry. Listen and see what he has to say though and take one day at a time. Are his parents supportive too, if not, maybe she is more a sympathetic friend for him to offload and help him. All very hard for you💐

Nannarose

I am so sorry, how difficult for you all. I have often noted these 'rebound' relationships, and think they can be a reaction to grief.
You don't say how well you got on generally before you daughter's death. Certainly express no opinion as to how you view this new relationship.
I think, broadly it is OK to say 'I'm sure you realise that we are struggling a bit with this, but of course are here for you & the kids'
He probably won't suggest it yet, but if asked to meet the new 'someone' I think you should have a response ready. You may feel the need to meet her if she is spending time with the children. But I also think it OK to say 'Do you mind if we don't just yet - I think we need a bit longer'. Don't say it in a way that makes him feel bad, just to explain that is now you feel.

I'd like to add that I have known a good few of these relationships last and be very good for the children. That is not what is on your mind now, but your grandchildren need you to keep things on an even keel.

Exactly this. Nanarose explains my thoughts far better than I could.

I will add though, as a child who lost her mother far too young, my father remarried quickly. The maternal family (and my mothers friends) we remained in contact with, were the ones who supported my new reality. The ones who accepted the new status quo. The ones who let me lead on if we talked about my mother or not. There were very lovely adults who I loved dearly who let me know with actions that I was grieving improperly and being cruel to my mother by accepting my stepmother. We let those friendships fade. My stepmother tried to befriend these women, but their grief was too entrenched. Their love my my mother not strong enough to see how the children thrived without her.
Feel your grief. It’s real and normal and natural. But be aware of how it impacts children.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this fionamay10

Oh Fionamay I am so so sorry to hear of your daughter it is a parents worst nightmare and I really do offer you a big hug

I would find it very hard for someone to move on so quickly it does seem most often to be men, but when my cousin was very ill and died his wife was already meeting up with the man whose wife was also dying in hospital, and within a very very short time, a couple of weeks they were a couple, I found it totally disrespectful and have only seen her to nod to since, I often wonder if my poor cousin knew ( there was no children involved)
I do hope this works out ok for the children and you can find some peace 💐

So, so sorry.Cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through.
Your late daughter’s husband is not unusual in seeking someone a few months after her passing. I have heard of a few high profile men who lost their wives/partners and were seen out and about with someone else not long afterwards. And a cousin of mine who lost his wife to cancer when fairly young with kids got married to someone else just a year and a half later.
He must be finding it really hard with the children even with your help and craves a more normal life with a significant other to help out and have a grown up relationship with. It could seem too soon to you but it might have seemed like an eternity to him.
And as others have said this could just be a temporary thing but if it isn’t that could be a good thing for the kids, they need consistency right now.
He is probs bone weary and really lonely.
But if you don’t feel ready to meet this new woman it is entirely your right to say so, just say you are not ready to face this situation at the moment, kindly, without rancour.
I wish you all the very best. Xx