Late Daughter's husband

how did things go fiona?

I think that the timing of new relationships partly depends upon how long the illness has lasted. Grieving will often begin when a diagnosis is first given and the surviving partner may have had time to get used to being on their own.

Furthermore, it is often easier for the surviving partner to talk to strangers than it is for them to talk to close family about their feelings.

I am aware that it is a different relationship but when my Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers my grieving began. At first it was simple things, seeing women my age at the time (39) out shopping and lunching with their mothers. Something that I could no longer do. When she eventually died I left the nursing home feeling as though a great weight had been lifted from me.

Grief is complex and highly personal to the individual. However distressing others find the bereaved person's actions and new relationships I think it is absolutely essential not to judge them or communicate adverse judgements to them or about them to others. That's not easy, I'm sure, but I think it the best way forward.

After 47 yrs of marriage, my priority was to find a new partner that was compatible with my 3 daughters, I am lucky I found a gem they accepted without reservation
I’ve seen other families descend into chaos when dad remarried the wrong woman.

Yes, exdancer, I've heard that argument before too, and specifically from a professor of the psychology of human happiness.

My Mum used to say that finding a new partner quickly after a spouse's death showed that the marriage had been a happy one. The bereaved spouse was keen to repeat the experience, whereas an unhappy widow(er) would not be keen to risk tying themself into another unhappy marriage.
There's some comfort in that outlook.

Oops!

David 🤣

Well said, Daivd.

The OPs closing lane is, “What should we say to him”

That you understand his loss and hope he finds happiness for himself and family. When he does make his choice, which may take some time, don’t be intrusive, give them space and make his new partner welcome.

The worst thing you can do is to make him choose between you and a new partner because you will loose.

I am very sorry that your daughter has died Fionamay10.
If I were in your shoes, I'd welcome your son in law warmly. Poor man might be worried over what kind of a response he'll receive regarding his new relationship.
If his intention is to make the relationship permanent I would gently say (if it seems appropiate) that you very much want to continue the relationship you have with your grandchildren and please will he ensure that will be the case with his new partner. In other words, I would let him know that you want to remain a part of the family as that would be my concern. I hope all goes well.

I think other posters have said some really wise things. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child at any age is one of the hardest things that anyone has to go through. Your grief for your daughter is different from her husband’s grief. I have seen four very close friends, men and women, go through sudden and/or early bereavement (of partners) and all have been very different over things like other relationships. Two in particular started seeing people very soon afterwards, I think out of desperate loneliness. I think it is brilliant that you are seeing a lot of your grandchildren and I wonder if you can focus on what an important thing it is you are doing by being very present in their lives. You are a link to their mother, you will remind them of her even in ways they cannot articulate at their young age. They need every bit of love and care and time you are giving them - even though I know it must at times be exhausting doing childcare when you are worn out with grief. I am so sorry for your great loss and glad for your grandchildren that they have you as well as their dad to help them through losing their mum.

I am very sorry to hear about your daughter, fionamay.

This may sound perverse but, in a way, your son-in-law’s actions are a compliment to his late wife. If their marriage had been unhappy he would not want to have a relationship again in a hurry.

He misses her and wants to replicate the happiness they shared.

I do understand your distress though. My sincere condolences to you all.

It's a very difficult situation. I have never lost a child thank God, but I think it must be very different to losing a husband. I have lived through that twice myself, and my daughter has also lost her husband. The first time, for me, I just couldn't bear the 'aloneness' and looking at all those empty years ahead - I was 52. But although I married again, my first husband was always special in my heart. My daughter was only 42 when her husband died, leaving her with two young girls aged 10 and 12. She is now with a lovely man who was also widowed. I think he was 40 when he was left with three young boys.
They are very happy together with their amalgamated family, but I know his late wife's family have found it very hard, as you are finding it, to come to terms with his 'moving on'. But although he is very happy with my daughter, he still loves his first wife dearly and remembers her openly and proudly. The same applies to my daughter. Young widowed people have been put into a position that they never wanted, but now they have a life to live. Your son-in-law sounds like a lovely young man and it's so lovely that he wants to talk to you about this new person in his life. I am sure he will reassure you that he will always love your daughter and will keep her memory alive for her children - as will you.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss and I hope the love of your daughter's children will help to fill the cruel gap left by her passing x

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter.

Do welcome your SIL over to talk with you about it all. I am sure he will understand how hard this is for you and will be wanting to explain his position with sensitivity. Hard though it is, I think you ned to hear him out with an open mind if you can manage this. I know it will not be easy.

I am wishing you the strength to deal with this very sad situation.

How sad Fionamay - you must be so sad and hurt. But he is young and has to move on. I think he is also thinking of his children. She will never replace their mother but she will be a mother-figure. However, it’s only weeks since he lost his wife. I think it’s too soon, but just accept it and continue to support your grandchildren.

So sorry for your loss fionamay10.

The husband of a late friend of mine did this. He had a girlfriend within weeks of the death of his wife, who I know was genuinely very beloved to him. It was difficult for some of their friends, and indeed, I found it hard to deal with. However, this relationship was very short lived.

My friend / his wife, was ill for a couple of years and I think the poor man was lost, after his wife's death. I think the relationship was a distraction from his desperate sadness.

He was and is a good man, and I think his behaviour was borne out of desperation after losing someone he loved so much.

I hope you continue to be able to remain close to your grandchildren. It will mean so much to all of you to have this continuing relationship.

So sorry to hear this my heart goes out to you! I would find this very hard to accept. Maybe the lady he is speaking to listened and offered support yes it’s very quick to move on. I would listen to what he had to say, but I wouldn’t say anything back at the end of the day he will do what he feels is right for him and his children. I don’t think it takes away the love he had for your daughter though! But I totally can understand where you are coming from

Some lovely supportive words here from people who have sadly been there before you fionamay10

Be gentle and kind to yourselves and your son-in-law.

Your beloved daughter will never be forgotten, and will forever live on in your darling grandchildren xx

2 of our friends who are widowers were dating after 6 weeks. One said to my husband he was afraid he'd never have sex again. Both had been happily married.

I can’t pass without adding how sorry I am about your daughter.
I’ve 2 DDs and I cannot begin to imagine anything happening to them. DD2 suffered a life changing incident, which was hard enough to come to terms with (if ever).
My Grandad’s first wife spent most of her time at the local church and vicarage, completely ignoring their 2 daughters - rumour had it they were almost wild (going back to 1950). When she died after a massive stroke, almost immediately after the funeral, he approached my (widowed) Grandma and they were married within 6 weeks!
I think he just wanted someone at home to cook and clean and bring up his daughters and quite honestly I think my Grandma wanted the security and financial gain (he was a coal face miner) marriage would bring. My Mum, her daughter actually married my Dad a couple of months earlier.

I think the observation of the two types of widower is quite accurate - I’ve seen both first hand.

Summerlove

Nannarose

I am so sorry, how difficult for you all. I have often noted these 'rebound' relationships, and think they can be a reaction to grief.
You don't say how well you got on generally before you daughter's death. Certainly express no opinion as to how you view this new relationship.
I think, broadly it is OK to say 'I'm sure you realise that we are struggling a bit with this, but of course are here for you & the kids'
He probably won't suggest it yet, but if asked to meet the new 'someone' I think you should have a response ready. You may feel the need to meet her if she is spending time with the children. But I also think it OK to say 'Do you mind if we don't just yet - I think we need a bit longer'. Don't say it in a way that makes him feel bad, just to explain that is now you feel.

I'd like to add that I have known a good few of these relationships last and be very good for the children. That is not what is on your mind now, but your grandchildren need you to keep things on an even keel.

Exactly this. Nanarose explains my thoughts far better than I could.

I will add though, as a child who lost her mother far too young, my father remarried quickly. The maternal family (and my mothers friends) we remained in contact with, were the ones who supported my new reality. The ones who accepted the new status quo. The ones who let me lead on if we talked about my mother or not. There were very lovely adults who I loved dearly who let me know with actions that I was grieving improperly and being cruel to my mother by accepting my stepmother. We let those friendships fade. My stepmother tried to befriend these women, but their grief was too entrenched. Their love my my mother not strong enough to see how the children thrived without her.
Feel your grief. It’s real and normal and natural. But be aware of how it impacts children.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this fionamay10

My daughter's FIL met and married a woman he met just about one year following the sudden death of his wife. He could not face living alone and was actively looking for a new partner a couple of months following his wife's funeral.

My daughter's DH was ok with the new marriage, his brother was not, and still does not speak to her.

Firstly, very sincere condolences on your loss.

Secondly, there is no real time limit, and my feelings towards this are in his grief and loneliness he’s reached out for some comfort and company.

It may not last.

I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a raw and difficult situation for you. Some very thoughtful and sensitive advice on here. Keep your powder dry until you’ve met her, as you will have to do. As has been said, it may not run the course.
When my son’s first wife died, after just seven years of marriage, we were all devastated and helping him through that time was the hardest thing we ever had to do. I’ve dealt with my own recent loss better than I dealt with his. It was an extremely happy marriage. But a year down the line, he said to me that he simply couldn’t go in living alone, he felt as if he was going to be treading water for the rest of his life and did I think it was too soon to start moving forward again. I said I wasn’t the person he should be asking, so he spoke to his mother in law, who was living in South Africa, and she said he had made her daughter happier than she had ever been and he was too young to let his grief stop him from living his best life. He went on to meet and marry a lovely lady, but sixteen years on he still, out of respect, visits and looks after his first wife’s grave.

I could literally weep for you, your husband and your son-in-law, but that will not help you in the slightest.

You are in a very bad place, right now, and I do understand why you feel your son-in-law is being disrespectful BUT

we all deal with grief in our own way and are you absolutely sure that your daughter did not, I am assuming she died of an illness and knew she was dying, forgive me if the assumption is wrong and she died in an accident, tell her husband that she hoped he would find someone else to love after her death?

If you possibly can, let your son-in-law come and explain and try not to make it too obvious that you find this development too soon and disrespectful to your dear daughter and to your own feelings and grief.

It is very hard to be a widower with young children, even when, as your son-in-law has, there are parents-in-law running themselves ragged to help.

If at all possible, breath a sigh of relief that this unhappy man has found a glimmer of light at the end of the very dark tunnel you are all walking through.

I am sure the only light you can dimly see is that coming from your grandchildren, so please don't do or say anything now that might, just might, make seeing them in future hard.

And off-load on us on here, and to a good friend, ær a priest or minister or a grief counseller.

This was my situation, my after a long illness my wife passed, after 12 weeks or so I did start socializing and soon found a single lady who I had known socially for some time. We dated discretely, after a few weeks my eldest daughter visited unexpectedly and “caught” us, a difficult moment.

However, it turned out that unknown to me they knew each other, next day I visited daughter to “face the music”, before I could she said K is lovely, look after her she will look after you, can I tell my sisters.

It did raise a few eyebrows but a resounding endorsement from eldest daughter made it easy for us