Presence not Presents

Short of actually giving her the presents back immediatelyI don't know what the answer is.

Tell her your wishes, explain that you would far sooner have a meal together, point out that you are both spending money on pointless items - she will get the picture eventually

What a peculiar situation, why your friend insists on exchanging Christmas and birthday gifts sounds bizarre. Friends and I do this only when we have a 0 on the end of a birthday. I have taken one friend out for a birthday lunch because she's bought quite a few plants over for our garden, with advice for planting since we moved. I also find it strange that, if you've had a long standing friendship, she doesn't seem to know you well enough to acquaint herself with what your preferences are, or does she buy you what SHE thinks you should have. I'd return the experience voucher and diplomatically tell her it's not something you really want, and at the same time maybe suggest as many of these gifts seem to miss the mark, "lets not carry on buying each other stuff that we don't really want". Maybe treat each other to lunch or afternoon tea instead.

Tell her you don’t want presents and won’t be buying any from now on. If she buys you one don’t reciprocate. Give the unwanted stuff to charity shop - they will benefit from it even if it doesn’t match the original cost.
Pay for your next meal out and tell her that’s your present for her birthday or whatever . She will soon get the message.

I think you should continue to stress to your friend, that you do not wish to continue giving and receiving presents, but would rather just celebrate with a lunch. I know you have already tried this and it has fallen on "deaf ears" but having had a similar experience with friends, and one in particular who just did not want to "give it up", I just kept repeating it, making sure that when a birthday or Christmas giving was coming up to firmly remind her, NO GIFTS. Unfortunately, the thing that finally convinced her I meant it was I did not give her a present but asked her to lunch only. She finally got the message when I brought no present. I told her how much I valued just spending time with her, that this was our presents to each other. I think it is possible she may "seem" offended for awhile, but if you are true friends, it is not going to change the friendship except maybe for the better.

I’ve stopped with the presents- only do special birthdays.. told my family to stop buying me presents as I can’t afford to be buying eight presents for my DB family, there’s only me & hubby, he gets nothing. You just have to be honest with people

You need to pluck up the courage and talk to her about the situation. If she is a real friend she will understand.

Choose a new platform to sell the unwanted gifts eg Vinted which is easy to use. Remember to choose a new name for it not the same as you use on eBay

Oh, stop with the presents after 50 years!

TELL HER you will stop buying but you will not forget her. Bring her flowers or a homemade Chocolate Zucchini Bread, cookies, wine, etc. Those small things are appreciated too.

People DO like to buy gifts but she may cut back when you don’t reciprocate in exactly the same way you now prefer. She’ll get the message. If she bases her friendship with you around gift giving… well, that’s her problem.

In line with another poster's suggestion - you could rewrap the presents she has given you and give each one back with the comment 'Remember you bought me one some time ago ? I thought you would like one'. It would save you some money and give you time to withdraw from the gift exchange. Plus remove them from your house.

Glad you've made your mind up about the 'experience'. You could always pay the extra and present the 'make' to your friend for Christmas

In my circle of friends we usually have a whp-round to buy a bigger present for a significant birthday.

Today I had the chance to ask one of them what she would like us to get her for her upcoming celebration.

She wouldn't give me an answer except to say, 'I don't really know I haven't thought about it.'

I replied, 'well give it some thought and let us know, otherwise you'll just get something crap you don't really want...'

If you do not want the presents she gives you then no matter how expensive they are give them to a charity.

Whatever present she has now lined up for you then on the day it is to happen you have to explain you could not do it as you were ill.

It seems she is either too stuck in her ways to change or is indifferent to your needs and is only doing what she wants to do. Once she realises she is throwing money away she might just stop.

Maybe you could both give each other a short list of three items you would actually like and then pick one. Then it would still be 1/3 of a surprise. As for all the stuff cluttering that yiu don't want yiu could donate some of it to a local charity to raffle for a good cause or just sell it on a different site.

You have my sympathy, I would hate to be in your situation. I have two friends I have known since my teenage years , we have an unspoken rule - no gifts ! Just a card. All three of us are very close and we appreciate our long standing friendship and support one another when necessary.
I think you must bite the bullet and tell her as gently as possible that gift buying has to stop. Nobody wants to be cluttered up with stuff they neither want or need! It would drive me up the wall. Good luck.

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions.

Posters are right, she is getting a lot of enjoyment from shopping for the presents. She never sees me wearing, using or having them out, so she must realise that they aren’t to my taste. So,I’m going to combine some of your suggestions. I will suggest to her that we spend a maximum of £15 on each other. The gift should be from a charity or should benefit a charity in some way. So, for example food for a foodbank. In fact my son’s present to me is a trip to a supermarket together where he sets a limit and we shop for a local charity. If she doesn’t want to do this, I’ll suggest we buy each other lunch. If she refuses that then I’ll tell her I would much rather not swop presents and just stop.

Regarding the voucher - it’s too outing for me to say exactly what it’s for, (skydiving would have been perfect!) think along the lines of clay pot making, where to take the pot home costs extra and you hate the feeling of wet clay, it’s not this but a close analogy. I think for the sake of our friendship I will use it as she has already paid for it but refuse to add any more money to it.

Apologies, but I haven’t read all the comments, so mine might be repetitive. If this friend is completely dismissing your suggestions, I think she is being selfish and insensitive to what you would prefer to do. Surely, after a friendship of 50 years she would have some idea of your likes/dislikes? You obviously don’t want the ‘experience’, so tell her in no uncertain terms, but in a kindly manner. Then repeat that you no longer wish to exchange presents and would rather treat each other to a birthday lunch. At Christmas you may suggest a nice bottle of wine or some quality chocolates. At our age, we can do without the clutter of unnecessary items!

I don’t want to upset this friend but I don’t want it to continue like this. Any suggestions about how I can get her to stop? I can’t not give her a present as she would be really offended and upset.

But her behaviour is upsetting you. You've told her you don't want to carry on and still she completely ignores your feelings. She's being a bully.
You're going to have to be polite but firm and say you're no longer buying or accepting any more presents. Mean it, and stick to it.

I think you should return the experience voucher and say it's something you really don't want to do. Suggest she maybe uses it herself or passes it on to someone who would enjoy it.

If she falls out with you over all this then so be it. Friends should enhance our lives, not cause constant upset and irritation ☹️

I returned a voucher for something I didn’t want to the friend who gave it to me a month before it expired saying I knew she would enjoy using it but it really wasn’t my thing. I would rather we didn’t exchange presents. I stopped giving her presents but I do take her out for lunch. I do understand how irritating it is having to accept presents you don’t want.

I w ould return the gift voucher or just not use it, and in either case explain that the thought was kind, but the experience is not to your taste, or your husband's.

Your friend may be hurt or offended, so think carefully before you decide if you are just going to put up with this irritating present giving, or risk causing a rift.

You could, too, sometime before the start of December casually mention that you will neither be giving nor expecting any presents this year.

Nandad What do you think you will do? Lots of good advice.

tell her that you do not want any more presents, and that if any come from her, they will be re-gifted.
if she really must spend on 'you' ask her to sponsor a goat for a poor family in Ethiopia.
why is your feelings, wishes, preferences so unimportant compared to hers ?
doesn't really sound like a friendship.

It is claimed that people will often buy presents for others they would really like for themselves.

Maybe just take this as your friend's situation and buy her exactly the same present she has bought you. Eventually she may begin to think...and you could explain that you liked it so much you bought her one! After a while maybe she'll take the hint... or maybe she won't. I haven't a clue really but glad she isn't my friend.

Excellent idea GrannyIvy. This is the way to go. Pluck up that courage. At this stage in our lives we dont want clutter. We buy what we need. We need pleasant meet ups with friends for lunch, dinner, tea or supper...whatever you call it!!!!!

You could tell your friend that you are declutterring the house following the trend for Swedish death cleaning to save your loved ones the stress of disposing of your possessions after you have gone, as for voucher presents and previously gifted ones, give the vouchers to charity, she’ll not know it wasn’t you who used them and perhaps the other gifts too, you say they are too expensive to give away, but by keeping them they are serving no purpose at all, failing that, open a new eBay account under a none identifiable name/alias

Just ask your friend what she would like and in the same breath tell her what you would really appreciate!

Maybe a few 'white lies would have an impact, such as subtle hints that you are finding your income is being stretched almost to breaking point and so you would really like to reduce presents to just cards?
And re the experience, whatever it is, your 'ill health'/'allergy' other 'commitments' make it impossible to have the experience!!