Presence not Presents

You have two options, firstly you just go along with this and feel irritated, secondly you tell her that you would rather approach present giving in a different way - going for a meal. She could be upset if you choose the latter option but as a friend I would rather someone I care about is being honest with me and am sure she will feel the same, if not immediately.

Me and my Sis have worked out various schemes over the years. We still like to give each other birthday and Christmas presents but neither of us wants to be landed with a selection of unwanted objects.

Our solution is food and booze. Hampers, actual food, or vouchers. We also send flowers or plants. We don't live near each other so we order online and have the stuff sent to each other.

With regard to the unwanted experience, I am not sure what to advise, given that I don't know what it is. If it is something like sky-diving or bungee jumping then you are quite justified in saying you just can't but thanks for the kind thought. If, on the other hand, it is just going to be a bit tedious like folding towels into animal shapes, (apologies to anyone who would not find this tedious. Each to their own) then I would just go and do it and remind yourself than nothing goes on for ever.

Are you sure you still need this woman's friendship? She sounds rather overbearing and doesn't seem to have tried to get to know you very well.

I think you have to grasp the nettle or what is the alternative? Do you spend time and money doing things you dont like or want to do? You possibly may do better writing a letter to her as you can think carefully about what you want to say to her. If you begin by saying how much you value her friendship and that you dont want to stop being friends, that you hope to keep meeting up but you cannot go on with this present situation. Definitely I would not do the experience you do not want to do. Why would you continue on this track? It would be sad to lose a friendship, but at the same time if she is not listening to you, and is just continuing for her own pleasure, that does not seem a friendly way to behave. I think you have to stop sending her things and make it clear that you dont intend to carry on and ask her not to send things to you. It is not easy I know but I think you have to take a stand. Maybe sell all the things on ebay too and that would show that you mean to carry out your plan. I hope she begins to see that buying things are not necessary in friendship but I think you will only resent her more and feel forced into a situation that you dont like. If you think she will cope with it perhaps you could meet on neutral ground somewhere and you could speak directly to her. Only you will know what the best way is to deal with this but this latest experience is something that you will say No to so that will give you a specific situation to build on. Hope that your friendship can survive this but you need to say to her that you are doing this because you want to remain friends and not because you want to split up with her. I wish you good luck and hope that you can stick to refusing to go on with this pattern that is not what you want

Honesty is best. Tell her that the experience she sent you is not something you will enjoy and can you suggest that you ask her what she would like for a present in future and if she would do the same for you then you would both get something you like.
I have done this successfully for years.

A good friend and I have done what Martin Lewis suggested and decided not to buy for each other at Xmas but only do birthdays and get each other a book voucher because we both like to read a lot.
I broached it but she ran with it having obvs been thinking the same thing. I also thought she might be upset but she was relieved.
You too might be surprised by her reaction if you broach this.

We dont buy presents for anyone. The gc all have far too much “stuff” same with dd etc. We send cards and inside put “our chosen charity this time is xyz - we hope you approve”.

I am so glad that my female friends never started present giving in the past. So no problem now and if we suddenly feel we want to give a gift if we saw something we know they would really like it would be less than a tenner and maybe not at birthday time. So it shows we really know each other.

My sister and I exchange Seasalt vouchers....and whats not like about them!! I think in your situation you will have to be firm. So if both your birthdays have gone and it's still a while till Dec 25, write a letter or email if that's what you use and explain that this is the last time you will be doing birthday presents. And have now stopped Christmas presents. Going forward if you want to continue the friendship, then arrange meet ups for lunch. Re the current "experience", do you know anyone who would like to do it? Pass it to them and tell her that. If not it may well be difficult for her to get her money back so, if it's not impossible, perhaps you can use it up, but ensure she knows this is the last time and no further experiences. Just meet ups for lunch. And pay for yourself!!!!

I think you’ll have to be blunt as you’ve e suggested an alternative, paying for lunch and she didn't like that.

Oh, the tyranny of present giving!
I doubt if after 50-plus years you will be able to persuade her to stop; it centres on her enjoyment, not yours. She is resolutely deaf to any suggestions you make, and her following you on ebay would make me a little uneasy.
What I would do is reduce the amount of money from £40 to about £20 maximum and buy something perishable like flowers and ask her to do the same; she won't, but silly to waste your money on a tradition that upsets you.
It would be sad for a long-lasting friendship to end badly.

I hope your friend isn't following you on Gransnet as well as ebay OP. At the best she will get the hint.

I too like buying presents for people, but want them to enjoy them, so ask them for a list of things they would like/need/enjoy. That was what they get is a still a surprise, but something they are happy to receive. Why not take her out for coffee and suggest you swap lists, I am sure she would be delighted to know you really liked her presents?

I would be honest and say the experience is not something you want to do. If she's offended that too bad - it was very thoughtless of her to give you this without checking it was suitable.
And while you are telling her this add that you really don't want any more presents as you feel you already have too much stuff. Then do not give her anything even if she persists in buying for you, but contact her on her birthday so she can't say you are neglecting her

I enjoy buying presents for friends but I know my tastes are different to certain friends. I am going to pluck up the courage this Christmas to say let’s stop and have a meal together paying for ourselves and exchange a card only. For birthdays we treat each other.

My sister in law has already asked me to get her Christmas present ,( a very nice top) and has asked what I would like. This avoids ghastly surprises

Maybe a few 'white lies would have an impact, such as subtle hints that you are finding your income is being stretched almost to breaking point and so you would really like to reduce presents to just cards?
And re the experience, whatever it is, your 'ill health'/'allergy' other 'commitments' make it impossible to have the experience!!

Just ask your friend what she would like and in the same breath tell her what you would really appreciate!

You could tell your friend that you are declutterring the house following the trend for Swedish death cleaning to save your loved ones the stress of disposing of your possessions after you have gone, as for voucher presents and previously gifted ones, give the vouchers to charity, she’ll not know it wasn’t you who used them and perhaps the other gifts too, you say they are too expensive to give away, but by keeping them they are serving no purpose at all, failing that, open a new eBay account under a none identifiable name/alias

Excellent idea GrannyIvy. This is the way to go. Pluck up that courage. At this stage in our lives we dont want clutter. We buy what we need. We need pleasant meet ups with friends for lunch, dinner, tea or supper...whatever you call it!!!!!

It is claimed that people will often buy presents for others they would really like for themselves.

Maybe just take this as your friend's situation and buy her exactly the same present she has bought you. Eventually she may begin to think...and you could explain that you liked it so much you bought her one! After a while maybe she'll take the hint... or maybe she won't. I haven't a clue really but glad she isn't my friend.

tell her that you do not want any more presents, and that if any come from her, they will be re-gifted.
if she really must spend on 'you' ask her to sponsor a goat for a poor family in Ethiopia.
why is your feelings, wishes, preferences so unimportant compared to hers ?
doesn't really sound like a friendship.

Nandad What do you think you will do? Lots of good advice.

I w ould return the gift voucher or just not use it, and in either case explain that the thought was kind, but the experience is not to your taste, or your husband's.

Your friend may be hurt or offended, so think carefully before you decide if you are just going to put up with this irritating present giving, or risk causing a rift.

You could, too, sometime before the start of December casually mention that you will neither be giving nor expecting any presents this year.

I returned a voucher for something I didn’t want to the friend who gave it to me a month before it expired saying I knew she would enjoy using it but it really wasn’t my thing. I would rather we didn’t exchange presents. I stopped giving her presents but I do take her out for lunch. I do understand how irritating it is having to accept presents you don’t want.

I don’t want to upset this friend but I don’t want it to continue like this. Any suggestions about how I can get her to stop? I can’t not give her a present as she would be really offended and upset.

But her behaviour is upsetting you. You've told her you don't want to carry on and still she completely ignores your feelings. She's being a bully.
You're going to have to be polite but firm and say you're no longer buying or accepting any more presents. Mean it, and stick to it.

I think you should return the experience voucher and say it's something you really don't want to do. Suggest she maybe uses it herself or passes it on to someone who would enjoy it.

If she falls out with you over all this then so be it. Friends should enhance our lives, not cause constant upset and irritation ☹️