I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure

I just ask the dog, 'Will this do?" and she replies with a tail wag.

Oopsadaisy please don't go and change when he says that, I don't know how long you've been together five minutes or 60 years but this type of talk saps confidence, my ex husband used to say the same to me. I ended up incapably of being able to go out without him telling me what to wear. One evening I ended up in tears because he told me to decide. I'd always been confident about what I wore when young and single but he'd demoralised me slowly. You put on what you wish then look in the mirror and say to yourself gorgeous. If he says you're not wearing that are you? Smile sweetly and say I was just going to say the same to you, or yes I am, it's lovely isn't it. Oh as an aside my second husband always said I looked gorgeous ;-)

Even when my husband was alive, I always wore what I wanted as I knew what suited me. After he died, that didn't change at all, I knew my style and stuck to it.

The only thing I was undecided about was when I had to get workmen in for jobs doing around the house and garden as my husband had always sorted that out and I was now afraid of employing cowboys. I started going online and reading up about what things cost in this day and age and what to do about paying them. I was lucky, every workman I employed for new central heating, new bathroom, new doors throughout, new porch, garage and extension roofing and electrical work were fantastic.

So from being indecisive I am now a more positive person because I research everything down to the last detail before ringing someone to do a job for me or buying something such as a tv, laptop, vacuum cleaner etc.

Taichinan

I'm not a ditherer and have no problem making decisions,big or small. My problem is that once the decisions are made and the actions taken I'm no longer certain that they're right. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

That is me! I am not a ditherer, can make big decisions. For example, I sold our overseas bolthole and handled it from start to finish recently with no problem.

As soon as it was all done and dusted, that is when I started self doubting my own decisions.

When I cannot make a decision, it is much worse. I will ask so many of people including my husband for their advice and opinion, and then I get all confused.

OH always worked away and often abroad for long periods so I have learned to be self reliant and make decisions alone. He's always worked long hours even in later years when home based. I've very rarely asked his opinion on anything really, apart from retiring to Devon, when we miraculously both decided it was for us at the same time. Can't imagine ever asking him what to wear, or anyone else really. But all people are different and what's right for me could be totally wrong for someone else
Best wishes OP.

Since I got to about 50 I started making more and more of my own decisions….managing .my own finances, my savings and banking, clothes purchases, holiday plans etc., and now I’m in my 80’s I still continue to be this way. I’ll include OH in the reasoning or the ideas I’m planning but that’s only to keep him in the loop and listen to his viewpoint. I’m pleased I’m an independent thinker and do-er …..hope these skills stay with me into my 90’s too! Any mistakes I may make because I’m like this is then just my own fault…..and oftenturns out to be a learning experience for future decisions!

GrandMattie, I am sorry to hear you were scammed. Scammers really are the lowest of the low. I was recently scammed myself, not for a huge amount but I felt so foolish until I realised it happened to countless other people too.
As regards being indecisive I am a bit of a ditherer and definitely more so since I was widowed nearly 6 years ago. It takes me ages to decide what I want to buy in a shop, what to buy online, where I want to go for a day out, etc. My late husband was the total opposite, he really was great at making decisions and "going for it" so perhaps I rather coasted along before, letting him make the decisions. Mind you I am getting better at changing bank accounts and energy providers, moving house, etc. It is the smaller decisions I struggle more with.

I'm not a ditherer and have no problem making decisions,big or small. My problem is that once the decisions are made and the actions taken I'm no longer certain that they're right. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

RosiesMaw2

Those of you with husbands or with AC nearby probably don’t have this problem but since DH died I find it increasingly hard to make decisions.
In the early days it was easy enough and I felt quite confident but now even deciding what to wear to something special has me lining out two or three outfits, taking a pic and sending it to friends to ask!
DH was not in the slightest controlling and I would say I got “my way” in most things, but he was a reassuring presence and a second opinion I trusted.
Who do you go to when you need a second opinion? Or for confirmation that you are doing the right thing?
I hate dithering but can’t avoid it!

Terrible isnt it? I feel like a teenager sometimes with all clothes on bed! Anyway, we are lucky to have a choice, I suppose.

grandMattie

I agree.
And since being scammed of my life savings since widowhood, living on my pension, I have lost all my assertiveness, my self-assurance and feel extremely vulnerable and stupid.

so sorry to hear. Not stupid So common and scammers are clever and getting more so. Find something you enjoy hopefully with others if you can and built yourself up again. Good luck

Oh grandMattie - did you manage to get your money, or at least some of it, back ? So sorry. I think we should all check our bank accounts daily ? We tend to take it for granted that all banks are safe.

I happily make decisions and always have done, but do involve my husband; as a SP for five years too I just had to get on with it. Doesn’t mean they’re always absolutely right though!!

I’ve been widowed for 4 years. At first I lost confidence completely, and constantly asked my AC for advice on what to do/buy, especially when I was downsizing and moving to a new area. Now I do feel much better about making my own choices, though it can still take me ages to go ahead and take action! ( I booked my first ever cruise this year, didn’t ask anyone’s opinion!) Regarding outfits, I have sold a ton of stuff on Vinted, because I realised I was keeping loads of clothes from my work days that I never wear now. I go through my wardrobe regularly and try everything on to check it still looks OK, and if I haven’t worn it for a year, out it goes!

Ditto** Granny Somerset

Misadventure why not? You always seem to come across as very confident and are familiar to most of us.

I’ve never been a ditherer. I married young and suspect now that my husband had ADHD. He was hopeless with money and having to organise anything to do with the household. I was in charge of our household expenses, organising the children etc . I also mainly decided on decor and purchasing furniture.i usually chose our holidays and booked them .
Saying all that I sound very bossy. I did involve him in decision making but he was usually happy to leave it all to me .
My husband died 17 years ago and I managed just fine with decision making as I’d always did it anyway.
I can’t cope with people who find it impossible to choose such as when I go on holiday with my sister in law and ask her what she would like to do each day , she says ‘anything, what do you want to do?’ . It drives me mad . It’s an easy decision but no , she wants me to decide for her . I get really annoyed at having to think for other people grrr. 😀

Unassertive!

grandMattie

I agree.
And since being scammed of my life savings since widowhood, living on my pension, I have lost all my assertiveness, my self-assurance and feel extremely vulnerable and stupid.

grandMattie, I read you on the good morning thread and admire you so much. You have moved a long distance away, joined a church and keep yourself busy helping others and remaining independent.
You are very far from being in assertive and stupid in my eyes.
Well done!👏

grandMattie

I agree.
And since being scammed of my life savings since widowhood, living on my pension, I have lost all my assertiveness, my self-assurance and feel extremely vulnerable and stupid.

😮
I'm sorry to hear that GrandMattie.
You're not stupid, vulnerable perhaps but they are complete 🤬

Yes, I'm a bit of a ditherer, it's just that I want to get things right.

Deciding about clothes isn’t a problem, but deciding on things that need to be done in the house is difficult. The worse thing is deciding whether to go shopping (for anything) or just order online! Can I be bothered to drive to the shops? Or just go online? Takes me ages to decide!

I always do a mannequin parade before ‘dressing up’, trying on various possibilities before deciding then change my mind at the 11th hour.
I dither about menu choices, but I always have. Whatever I choose is always less appetising than whatever my companions have chosen 🙄.
Since being widowed I have coped, admirably I think, with most things, but recently I had a huge carry-on with British Gas which went on for months coinciding with being very unwell followed by a big op, which reduced me to a quivering, angry wreck. DD3 took over. She found it unbelievably difficult to resolve the problem but managed eventually.
(I’ve now moved to Octopus and 2 fingers up to BG 🤣)

Was single until I married at 51 always been decisive and now I'm on my own again I still am

I have a DH who is a ditherer, always needing a third or fourth opinion, so I make the decisions then tell him what ‘we’ have decided. 😂

I've been dithering about what new car to get. What type? Manual or automatic? I used to be fairly decisive but DH was much more so. Now I find any decision difficult.
💐 for grandMattie. Such an awful thing to happen.

I'm happy with all my decsions since being widowed and before that too.