Paying for family holidays?

silverlining48

Of course I am happy too Norah, but my question was why is it so many of us end up paying the family bills quite so often.

The answer is because many will pay family bills.

We'll pay for all sort of things, but evenly. Our Four daughters always receive the same, I'm very careful of fair. Until they didn't.

Someone, here, pointed out to me - paying expenses for our daughter/her children who sadly had husband/father die fairly young, was unfair to all the others and we should even it up. We did.

Do whatever it is you choose, happily. But know holidays are not necessary.

Gran32, if you feel guilty then stop doing it! Simple! No one died from not having a holiday they?
But if you do feel the 'need' to take them all away just buy loads of camping stuff and go on a road trip in the UK. assuming that is where you live.

No holiday that requires paying for need not mean no holiday. I have had several years, with children and without when a paid holiday was out of the question, but we always had a holiday. A week when no housework or gardening was done, when cooking was kept to a minimum and we went out to places. On good days we wen tto the nearby small river and watched the dragon flies and had a picnic. I was an assiduous collector of coupons for £1 rail tickets and we went up to London, with a picnic, and vsited anything that was free.

Imagination and inventiveness is a very good resource when money is tight. My parents and PiL never took DC away on holiday, but they would go and stay with them for a week, and they absolutely loved doing that.

Allira

^Thank god my situation isn't everyone's but I am so sad that so many of these posters on the forums are telling the same old story, adult children, taking and taking and expecting everything.^

Perhaps it's just the posters who have problems and are asking for advice that makes it seem as if so many have problems with their DC expecting too much from elderly parents.

The majority who don't have such problems don't need to ask for advice.

So true Allira I think you could be right.

As an aside, years ago I worked with a hospital consultant who took an annual holiday abroad with their adult children and grandchildren . I commented how lovely it was that they all went together, flying to France, staying in a villa with a large pool.

She laughed and confided “I think it’s because we pay!”

Her adult children were all highly paid professionals in their own right but this gave her and her husband such pleasure.

I thought it was sweet of her to admit to me it only happened because she picked up the tab. She could have just left me thinking what an incredibly close family they all were!

Mamardoit we have 5 children and one has a lot more money than the others. One has a lot less and even with 2 parents working still struggles. I try hard to not treat them differenly even though I'd like to.

I have only twice coordinated holidays (and paid accommodation). Once some years ago and now for next year.

Even though only one family really can't afford holidays I would not take them away without having enough saved to be able to at least invite the others.

As someone said above, children notice. And so do adult siblings (and wives/husbands and partners).
I do not truly believe that my 4 more "comfortable" adult children would resent the poorer one being helped more but it just seems wrong (and somewhat demeaning) to not treat them the same.

When we are all together, I notice that the wealthiest siblings often pick up bills "my treat" they say, or "I think it's my turn"... I love that they do look out for each other.

I would pick somewhere cheap and invite everyone- or simply say "maybe next year".

I would have loved to have stayed on a farm. As children we did have summer holidays most years. Always a week at the beginning of July at either Skegness or Mablethorpe. All day at the beach with warm sandwiches and hard boiled eggs. In wellies and coats if necessary.

I only went back to Skeggy 5 years ago. It was ok for an afternoon. Fish and chips were good. The beach was minus the cigarette ends I remember from my childhood.

I find it strange.
To me, it's a given that people with more money at their disposal buy more things, have more things, and do more things.

It's how things are.

I was 19 before I had my first summer holiday. It never occurred to me that I was missing out. My parents farmed and summer was our busiest time. Various children used to come and stay with us while their parents took a break as we were always there! We once had 5 days skiing - going by train - such an adventure. Oh and a brilliant day trip to Le Touquet on a plane that took cars. I still have the photos. My baby sister insisted on taking her own sandwiches - she was not going to trust French food. But the idea of an annual summer holiday was not even considered.

Me and DH were in the same position as your son Gran32. His sister was divorced and depended on her parents. Her children were given lots of extras, and also swimming and music lessons so they could 'be the same' as their cousins ie. Our children. My parents were not well off. Still everyone thought we were fine about how things were. To a certain extent we were until our children started to comment and ask why they never got clothes, trips out, meals out like their cousins. Children do notice.

For us it all came to a head on the day before Christmas Eve when mother in law rang DH asking for us to buy Christmas presents for is sisters children because she had no money. She had money for works parties, smoking and drinking. We had no money so ended up buying presents on credit card. This was back in the day of very high mortgage rates. We weren't the rich uncle and aunt they thought we were and it did cause some resentment.

Your daughter could have explained to her daughter, that granny can’t afford it now- why don’t you take them on days out with a picnic?

Mt61

Sounds like your daughter has come to expect these wonderful holidays. Frankly I would just be honest & tell her the truth, what, with the energy bills going through the roof you aren’t going to be able to take them all on holiday unless she contributes, sounds like she’s taking you & husband a little for granted there.
You also have another child so really not fair to them even though they say they are bothered.

Aren’t bothered

Well, just explain that to whoever asks.
They're all old enough to understand.

Yes it's being retired that makes the difference now.

silverlining48

The old pre 2016 pension is a tiny £23 per day so why is it so many of us, which includes me, always seem to pick up the bill for the whole family.

Our children earn far more than us. Everyone earns more than us, even those on minimum wage only work 2 hours to get our weekly pension.

AC often have bigger cars and houses, fancier phones etc but happily accept their aged parents paying for all of them, rather than them paying for just one or maybe two of us.

What do others think. .

I would hope my children would never expect me to pay for meals.out etc if I was on.mimimum pension...I'm 59 and still work but 2 of.my.DC earn.more than me .....however I don't have childcare costs or mortgage to pay for
....so I have more spends than them and more savings.....so I'm happy to treat them to meals and occasional holidays .....but equally they will pay for family meals.and treat me...... when I retire then they will get far less

Mt61 Shes not taking anything for granted and she wasn't there when my granddaughter asked. She offered to pay towards it but I know she can't afford it.
My son is absolutely fine. They have good jobs, he has fabulous in-laws and have access to a house in Spain but I still feel a little guilty

Sounds like your daughter has come to expect these wonderful holidays. Frankly I would just be honest & tell her the truth, what, with the energy bills going through the roof you aren’t going to be able to take them all on holiday unless she contributes, sounds like she’s taking you & husband a little for granted there.
You also have another child so really not fair to them even though they say they are bothered.

Good point Allira

GrannyIvy and Gran32 - that’s a lovely thing to do. I would too, in your position.

GrannyIvy that's the same with us. My daughter would end up going into debt to take them🫣

I feel for you. My youngest daughter is divorced with a 9 & 5 year old. If we don’t pay and take them away they don’t get a holiday. Money is tight for us but we will do it as long as we can. The children love their time away with us.

You are right Monica. I resolve to keep what savings we have for things which will/ may come up as we age.

silverlining48

Of course I am happy too Norah, but my question was why is it so many of us end up paying the family bills quite so often.

The reason people end up paying is because that is what they have always done and therefore it is just expected of them.

Now I am the selfish celf-centred sort and i made my children stand on their own two feet. Right from the start when they got into a financial mess at university, as most students do, we lent them money to sort it out with strict repayment terms, which we kept them to.

When it came to house purchase they had inherited just enough money to buy the cheapest most delrelict flat on the market and we helped them renovate it, with labour and planning, but not money.

They say'act mean, to keep them keen'. We didn't do that consciously, but it meant that by the time we were in a position to help them financially, they are now both in their 50s, both children thought independently and never expected us to pay their way in the world, and really appreciate anything we do, like occasionally pay for family holidays, or subbing the cost of a replacement car or some major house project. We always offer, they never ask.

I am afraid silverlining you and others like you caused the problem you outline and you need to work out how to resolve it.

Not last year - should have said next year.

We have booked a big family holiday in Wales last year (everyone pays own transport but we pay for accommodation).
It is way more expensive than the enormous villa with own private pool we went to in Italy a few years ago.

Maybe you could look at the possibility of booking some accommodation (even if just a long weekend) and the separate families saving up for the travel costs?

Thanks so much everyone. Your comments have definitely put my mind at rest.