Please think of the person you are telephoning!

People who are lonely tend to talk a lot when they have a listening ear and sometimes I can listen but generally for me the conversation has to be mutual ie each listening to the other with shared time If that’s not there I won’t last very long and won’t want to be in contact . However If my friend is in a crisis then I wouldn’t expect to be listened to and would be very happy to just be there for her.

It's so very difficult at times, isn't it? In the UK, at least, and certainly in our generations, we tend to be polite and the thought of hurting someone's feelings is anathema to us. I enjoy my mother's phone calls, but as she is getting older she has a lot she wants to tell me about and probably at least ⅔ of the conversation is a monologue about other people's illnesses or who has died. I don't need to know the people in question, either. She will listen to me, but is much more interested in imparting her own news these days. In a way, it is much easier because I can make the right noises in the right places and don't have to say too much about my own movements; thus meeting with no disapproval or, occasionally, approval - not that my day to day life consists of anything much that needs approval or disapproval.
I have a friend, who is the kindest person you could meet, but is the world champion of monologuing. She discovered a few years ago that she is on the autistic spectrum. She has also had a lot of physical issues in her lifetime, too. She likes to schedule a time for a phone call and will sometimes ring and talk for half an hour in order to schedule a phone call for another time. She is phoning me tomorrow evening and, being very old fashioned in many ways (only child of older parents,both of whom have died) likes to ring on the landline. I have to strain to hear on the landline these days, even with the speaker phone, as I am quite deaf so l have asked her to ring me on my mobile. I have to brace myself, because I know l am in for an hour's monologue, with only the occasional input from me when I can get a word in edgeways. Some years ago, she rang very late and I actually fell asleep in the middle of the phone call! I felt terrible, but I am sure she didn't notice. I still value our friendship very much and I know l have plenty of faults of my own.

I don't think they have any awareness of what they are doing. My DH got back into contact with his cousin after 50 years. He was lovely, however, his wife was unbelievable. She didn't stop talking, didn't listen to anything anyone else said. The four of us went for a walk. The lads were chatting together up ahead. I was being talked at while trying to keep up. In the end I decided to go at my own pace. It took a good 5 minutes for her to realise that I was quite some distance behind.
Sadly, because of the wife, my DH doesn't want to see his cousin again because he doesn't want me to have to put up with "that rude woman".
The cousin had already told us that he could leave the room, make a cup of tea and go back to find his wife still talking, totally unaware that he had left the room. We hadn't believed him.

I had a friend like that, she chose to phone me one Christmas morning when I had my family staying for Christmas, in the middle of opening presents, she started off with ...I know you're busy, I won't keep you ,blah blah....it.was all about herself, I finally had to tell her I was busy and I had to go....

petra

If it happens again do what I do.
I say to the caller are you still there then to myself/ or phone words to the affect of ooh eh, it’s gone dead

You won’t/can’t change these people. They are totally unaware of what they are like.
Another ploy I have used is ringing my own doorbell then say I have to go such and such is here.

I'd do that, but the person most likely to call me with one of those calls is a neighbour who can see my front door!

LovelyLady
I talk to friends and family for hours. It’s verbal diarrhoea I won’t tolerate.
The 3 people I visit as a Befriender for Age UK have some wonderful conversations and laughs.

Tuaim

Thank you for all your kind, opposing, and balanced replies. Sadly, in the case of this lady, there is nothing to be done. I tried several times to speak and she just keeps talking non stop. Short of speaking over her, there is no way you can stop her. All the empathy and compassion in the world won't work because she is just so focussed on herself and her doings. The best thing one can do is just not take the call. She is well off, married, and is part of a great social set, so is not lonely.

Is she deaf?
We have a friend who does this and she can't hear well even though she has hearing aids.

RosiesMaw2. I didn't mean she is a "Samaritan". But she thinks she is being a Samaritan. Now the OP has explained exactly why she rang that is not the case and OP can quite justifiably tell her she is not interested in rejoing the group and basically. Good bye. And block her number if you can.
She isn't a lonely old lady, but a rather rude woman with no social skills. Or at least telephone skills.

keepingquiet

This reminds me of my mum. She would ring me and give me the lowdown on how terrible things were for my siblings, her nephews and nieces, her neighbours and her neighbours cats. After listening to how tough everything was for everyone she would end with,' And how are you?' I would have zero energy left to say anything other than, 'I'm fine,' and put the phone down.

How I would love to pick up the phone and hear my mum feeling so sorry for everybody now... at the end I would love to say, 'I'm missing you mum.'

My MIL was like this. I'd say to DH "Phone your Mum" and he'd say "You call her, she likes a chat with you".
She was lonely, I know, but sometimes it would be an hour or more and I didn't like to stop her.

It may be she just needs an ear to let off steam. Lots of lonely folk don’t seem lonely. Just take the receiver and make a cup of tea, and have a ‘really’ occasionally. It’s not about you. It’s being kind to others. Where has our generosity gone. It’s not costing you for the call and it’s what friends do for each other.
Be kind and let her ramble. It’s called supporting a friend in need - even if they don’t realise they’re in need.
Be kind to each other. Lonely folk can be surrounded by people.
Our turn may come and hopefully someone will have the good manners to listen without pretending there is someone at the front door. How rude to pretend there’s someone at the door when a friend needs to offload.
Where is our compassion. Are we so precious that we don’t care for those in need!

If this person is really only an associate and someone who has your number only for the purpose of running the craft group then you are not being unreasonable to ask "the group" to remove you from their records.

If she thinks you gave it as a friend that is different. How was the crafting group run and was it through a "venue" such as a college or similar?

RosiesMaw2

HelterSkelter1

I have just suddenly thought. Are you on your own and she thinks she is being a Samaritan by ringing you??

I have a friend who rings lonely folk but she is part of Silverline.

If she was, and speaking as a former Sam, she would be trained to listen and not dominate the conversation.

That said, this was only 15 minutes hardly something which takes 24 hours to recover from! You could cut her some slack?

But it does take 24 hours to get over because she wants to meet for coffee, discuss things, get some friends along to get me back. She can't accept I just don't want to go back and she can't take no for an answer. I won't cut her some slack as she simply does not listen. I don't care what conditions people have or what situation is what, my boundaries are my boundaries, hence the title of this topic.

I do think a lot of people now are lonely, however it is very wearing. A neighbour who sees family nearly every day, starts every conversation with, my children are wonderful because i bought them up properly. Meaning me or anyone else didn’t.. I am a lost cause because my d estranged me, hers wouldn't they have too much respect because she taught them it. Meaning i must have been terrible. I and others avoid. Her daughters say its because she’s lonely so they humour her.

HelterSkelter1

I have just suddenly thought. Are you on your own and she thinks she is being a Samaritan by ringing you??

I have a friend who rings lonely folk but she is part of Silverline.

If she was, and speaking as a former Sam, she would be trained to listen and not dominate the conversation.

That said, this was only 15 minutes hardly something which takes 24 hours to recover from! You could cut her some slack?

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius

Trueloveways

There could be lots of reasons that some people just can’t stop talking, ADHD, autism, anxiety, a mental health issue or just general anxiety.

This is soo true!

Caleo

Tuaim, if I value someone's friendship I accept their foibles even the one you describe. What not try ringing her and then you can more easily control the duration of the call, and also to a greater extent what you talk about.

She is not my friend and never has been. I used to go to a group she ran and left months ago.

NotSpaghetti

Why do you think she's calling you then, Tuaim?

Because she wants me to rejoin her craft group which I left months ago. She is not my friend. I haven't spoken to her since the spring.

petra

If it happens again do what I do.
I say to the caller are you still there then to myself/ or phone words to the affect of ooh eh, it’s gone dead

You won’t/can’t change these people. They are totally unaware of what they are like.
Another ploy I have used is ringing my own doorbell then say I have to go such and such is here.

Re my post above.
Like Tuaim the person I was thinking of when I posted knows the world and his wife.
She has managed many pubs and clubs and theatre bars in our town. She knows everyone
She’s not lonely. She goes out with friends and family everyday
She just can’t stop talking ( and it’s repetitive rubbish)
Fortunately she told me something about a friend of hers. A friend that I had been in the company of.
It was so offensive but it gave me the reason to end the friendship.

some people talk like that because they are nervous or lonely

She's lonely, arrange to meet her with other ladies too,don't give them a heads up,be kind

Marydoll

I believe, that sometimes, people who do this, may not have seen nor spoken with another person for days and are just so desperate for company,
I am not condoning this, but understand why they may behave this way..

There are two elderly ladies in my church like this, I spend my life body swerving them. They are lonely and I try to be appear interested, when I am cornered. .

Yes, I agree with you, it must be lonely not to see anyone for days and have so much saved up that you want to say.

I agree

I have just suddenly thought. Are you on your own and she thinks she is being a Samaritan by ringing you??

I have a friend who rings lonely folk but she is part of Silverline.

I had this with a paramedic who was asking me questions about my father I had the information but he paused for breath no he kept talking over me it was like an adrenaline fuelled manic sped up way of talking at me so firstly I asked him to give me an opportunity to answer his questions did he pause no !! Then I said please stop talking you are stressing me out and not allowing me to speak did it help hell no I asked him 4 times I kept calm asked him if he was going to allow me to answer no change so I begged him to stop please just stop talking finally he did I've never in my life met someone so unaware of his own actions finally got the chance gave him the info and he hung up but later he rang back to give me some info and said we didn't get off to a great start earlier !! No apology a unique experience for sure