My 5 year old grandson doesn’t like me

I well remember our own children and other parents children.
We had 3 girls all well behaved, my brother had 4 boys totally out of control they were only invited to one birthday party, never again.

40+ years later, the girls are still polite, the boys are still a nightmare as adults

How very sad watermeadow. I hope your relationship with your grandchildren returns to the close one it used to be. I have known a teenage boy who developed an irrational dislike of his grandmother, but when he got older he reverted to his former affectionate self, and they became, and still are, very close. So don’t give up.

I have grandchildren living five minutes away who gave up coming to my house during Covid and haven’t come back as they’ve grown into teenagers.
I take cakes round and see them going to school but there’s no closeness despite my having given them ten years of childcare so their parents never had to pay for it.
I am very hurt, I miss them and still love them and just hope that one day they will remember me.

My big gs i

Our GC cover the age spectrum, some in twenties then an 11 and 6 yr old. Never felt in our job to teach them rules that is their parents job, and to be honest I think my children are stricter than we were as parents. Eldest GC were always taught not to start their meal before everyone was served and ready to eat and always polite with pleases and thankyous, younger ones I do sometimes ask then the ‘magic’ word when giving them something, I have mentioned to son they are a bit lite on the pleases and thankyous sometimes and he agreed. At there home they are only allowed limited screen time but they do have lots of clubs outside of home at weekend which keeps them very busy. Have to say they only live 30/40 mins away but we do not see them often, once or twice about every three months, they see maternal GP more

Doing “as he pleases” can’t be too terrible at age five, can it? Plenty of time yet to learn to conform to adult expectations, surely?

I think his manners are your daughter and her husband's responsibility - maybe you could suggest the odd thing to her instead of directly to your Grandson. I think grandchildren just like love, treats and presents! I just remember my Grandmother making a fuss of us which made me happy, being free to enjoy her home and feeling at home there. My Mother used to tell her off for giving us sugar sandwiches ha ha.

I don’t think the OP appreciated some of the replies 😂

'Consequently when he comes to my house I teach him good manners, politeness and of course show him lots of love' I don't think this is trying to discipline him at all! I'm with you Ruth. It seems like he needs to be taught good manners and politeness. Maybe his Mum and Dad both work and haven't got a lot of time which is where Grandparents come in. Children need boundaries and he will become a better child for it.

Eloethan

My grandson doesn't like us much either. That is because when he comes here, I will not allow him to stay on screens the whole day. His parents don't mind so he would rather be with them.

When he has to come here because his parents are going out, I do try and play other games with him and my granddaughter or go out with them to the park or into Central London. He is sulky and miserable at first but usually ends up enjoying it.

But now he stays with his mum and dad at the weekend whereas my granddaughter comes to us because she enjoys going out with me or doing art projects, etc, etc.

I really don't know what the answer is. In my opinion, technology has had a very detrimental effect on some children.

My youngest grandsons will tell you, ‘ Granny lets us have ‘electronicals’ for a whole hour whenever we want’, and they don’t seem all that bothered, though I’m sure they would use them all day long if I let them! They get their one hour during the day, then a ‘sneaky’ time just before the bedtime story, which at 7 and 8 they still look forward to.

Ruthospouskins my 4 year old grandson was just the same for a few months and then it all changed and he asks to come here and I am picking him up from school today. We made no fuss when he didn't want to come here , I went to his home and for the most part he ignored me so we let him get on with it and now he is a joy to be with .

Children are quick to pick up on disapproval and it’s all too easy for this to turn into a rift. As one respondent said, they grow up very quickly, so it’s important to address this, which you clearly are. Why not seek advice from your daughter about your gs’s likes/dislikes, sensitivities etc. and together work on the best way forward. For instance, you might try fun outings where you set off from her house, so the issue of how he behaves in your home doesn’t come up. This could build trust between you and your gs, and set you on a path to a much better relationship.

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If i may i'd start with a couple of questions. Who told you he doesn't want to stay? Assuming you raised your DD according to your rules, have you had the conversation with her about this? Her answers may be hard to hear. Does she consider that you were 'too strict' and 'tough' with her and as a result is going the other way with her child. As long as he isn't behaving in a dangerous or destructive manner, what is he doing that is so bad?

Yes, good manners do matter (in my opinion) and as grandparents we are there to reinforce them. Yes, we have rules here when the GC come to stay, but not many. Each of our GC is different - one of them loved lego and building, our youngest, aged 6 is completely opposite - soldiers, guns is his current 'thing', as a result there is much clattering and banging when he is around. So in terms of 'doing what he wants' yes, to a point our GC do 'do what they want' when they are here. The more active one I take out on his bike, take him to the park in all weathers. The older one likes to play a game, so we wait until the little one is asleep and have quiet time with him.

We accept that our home will be chaotic whilst they are here. We have a bedroom for them where all their 'stuff' is kept, they both love rediscovering things they had forgotten about and i add/take away things as they grow - charity shops are brilliant to buy/donate things as their interests change.

Of course the ipads/tv's/phones are a point of contention at times, but wasn't it ever thus? I can remember being told i would get square eyes, or being moaned at that my head was in a book again when i should be doing homework, tidying my room etc. Even as an adult i can be found browsing the internet/watching something on TV instead of doing something more productive.

Talk to your daughter, bite your lip and hold your opinions to yourself unless asked and i hope you can build a relationship with your GS moving forward.

PS. Is it not a sweeping generalisation from some posters to say that parents these days do not seem to care about manners? Perhaps they would like to meet my DSIL's parents who are in their early 70's, my DSIL admitted he was dreading us meeting as he realised his parents, amongst other things, have awful table manners. Also, these days i work part time in a shop and i come across illmannered people of all ages.

Bell267

It’s not about you?
Show him love he has parents to teach him manners it isn’t your job
You sound just like my mil and a pain

But many parents don’t seem bothered about manners, then we wonder why the child is like he/she is.

It’s often just easier to let the child do as he/she wants, but they don’t always come across as very nice.

It is not your GC's role to fulfill your wants- to like you, to go to your home, to be the grandparent you want to be

I bet he feels your vibes and reacting accordingly

Back off, stop judging him and his parents and it all may turn around

I think it’s one thing to not allow the grands do anything dangerous or abusive to our homes - destroying things or harming themselves or others and another to attempt to take on teaching him manners etc at five when you say his parents aren’t concerning themselves with it. Of course he doesn’t like spending time with you , no one enjoys being corrected do they? As grands it’s our job to back up the parents in their ways of parenting not ours. Id relax all but the most crucial of rules and back off and start over. Perhaps as he gets older you can work on basic manners but for now I wouldn’t mess with too much

food not good.

I would be devastated if our granddaughter didn't like me. We spoilt her quite a bit when she used to come here but tried to stick (mostly) to her mother's rules re bedtime, good etc. She was always a delight. She is in her 20s now. A lovely, kind respectful, hard working young lady who got her degree and has just bought a house with her equally lovely boyfriend.

Granless

Some Grannies say ‘my house, my rules’.

Yes, my daughter says this to her children about coming to my house. She and I are in agreement about many things, but not all. I like to think that our treats make up for our tougher rules.
For example we don't eat in front of the TV (which they do at home) but I do always try to provide a nice dessert rather than their usual yoghurt.

I expect my gc to have manners and respect my home but other than that I do give them a bit of leeway I am not saying I am right it just works for me and DH , however I do know they get away with a lot more with their maternal gran so they see much more of her , still I think you should do what you feel is right for you

I would add that my grandson is 11, so perhaps not so relevant to the OP's situation.

My grandson doesn't like us much either. That is because when he comes here, I will not allow him to stay on screens the whole day. His parents don't mind so he would rather be with them.

When he has to come here because his parents are going out, I do try and play other games with him and my granddaughter or go out with them to the park or into Central London. He is sulky and miserable at first but usually ends up enjoying it.

But now he stays with his mum and dad at the weekend whereas my granddaughter comes to us because she enjoys going out with me or doing art projects, etc, etc.

I really don't know what the answer is. In my opinion, technology has had a very detrimental effect on some children.

Well, you reap what you sow.

Thinking around child care changes. We have all had our turn and I've always felt it important to continue to learn and evaluate new ways of thinking. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. When we know better, we do better. I have huge respect for the gentle and loving way my AC parent their children and wish that I had known what they know.

We are on a very sharp learning curve at the moment as our youngest grandchild is awaiting assessment for what is very likely to be autism and it is causing huge problems at home and at school. What worked beautifully for our other grandchildren is of no use to this little one.

OP, the only advice I can offer for you is to remember how quickly your grandchildren grow up and see if you can't find a middle road where you can rebuild your relationship with your little grandson.

I second the advice that you should stick to your rules basically, but perhaps go through them in your mind and not make too much of the minor ones for a while.

At the age of five, most children will prefer those adults who let them have their own way all the time, but this will change.

No child gets his own way all the time at school, as you obviously cannot teach a class of 25 or thereabouts who all demand to get their own way, so the concept of doing as he is asked will dawn on your grandson, sooner or later.

Right now, it strikes me, but this may be an unjust assumption, that a lot of young parents let their children do as they please, either in the interest of a quiet life - meaning no arguments and tantrums, or simply because they are told that children of four or five are still very young. One day it will dawn on these parents that children need to be taught to be considerate etc.

I hope and trust that as your grandson grows up he will appreciate you for always having been fair and consequent in your dealings with him.

Daddima

I don’t think I would be going out of my way to seek approval from a five year old! I’d just keep him at arm’s length, but respond positively to any polite overtures he might make.
You say ‘do as he pleases’, but only mention teaching him manners and politeness. Is he destroying your house or being abusive? As others have said, let his parents deal with discipline, and, unless he’s being destructive or behaving dangerously, I’d ignore any minor behaviour I don’t approve of.

Exactly this 😃