My 5 year old grandson doesn’t like me

No, don't just let him do as he likes. I'd suggest you give him a cooling off period and then gradually start spending more time with him. When he's in your home, he should stick to your rules, but maybe you should whittle them down to the essential ones until they become habitual for him, then add one at a time.

It's not up to us to be 'tough' or 'too strict' with our grandchildren in my opinion. Obviously don't let them be ill mannered or cheeky. I believe we are there to be supportive and give them love.

I know how you feel.

Unfortunately I feel out of touch with my grandchildren, and I don't think they like me. Sadly if I'm honest I don't like them either, although obviously I love them.

They seem to be lacking in empathy, and don't see the need to care about others, as long as everything is going their way.

They care more about how much a present costs than the thought behind it, so they are just getting pyjamas from me this Christmas.

I'm not able to do anything about the way they are, as that's down to the parents, so I guess this is just the way it has to be. I love my children dearly, and I thought being a grandparent was going to be so lovely! But sadly it's not turned out that way for me.

i am sorry but it is not your responsibility to right the perceived wrongs of your grandchild's upbringing and trying to do so will only cause just the kind of problems you are having.

So back off. Do not let your DGS do anything dangerous or damaging in your house. You could have a short list of Grandma's Rules. I had one relating to a very steep staircase, that meant shoes had to always be worn and the bannister held, but apart from that just love him, do things together, arrange life so points of conflict are avoided - and if there are any deficiencies in his upbringing then it is parents responsibility.

And do not dis your companion grandmother. You are both linked by this little person and his parents. Try very hard to make a friend of her and conspire together.

Some Grannies say ‘my house, my rules’.

Back off.

It’s not about you?
Show him love he has parents to teach him manners it isn’t your job
You sound just like my mil and a pain

Why don't you try to make a fresh start by first of all going to spend some time with him at his own home rather than yours. Find out what he likes to do - Lego, board games, drawing, iPad games etc. and tune in to him.

You might then be better placed to invite him to your home for a specific activity that you can do together.

when my GS was small I picked him up from nursery one day a week,we played ,sometimes we baked ,we always had fun, he was never cheeky, mischeivous yes just like a boy,he's a teenager now, I think it's parents job to teach them manners.
I wouldn't have allowed any of my grandchildren to abuse anything in my house ,things I didn't want them to touch, I put out of reach..

I don’t think I would be going out of my way to seek approval from a five year old! I’d just keep him at arm’s length, but respond positively to any polite overtures he might make.
You say ‘do as he pleases’, but only mention teaching him manners and politeness. Is he destroying your house or being abusive? As others have said, let his parents deal with discipline, and, unless he’s being destructive or behaving dangerously, I’d ignore any minor behaviour I don’t approve of.

Yes that’s what I do and the GC love it 😊

Daddima

I don’t think I would be going out of my way to seek approval from a five year old! I’d just keep him at arm’s length, but respond positively to any polite overtures he might make.
You say ‘do as he pleases’, but only mention teaching him manners and politeness. Is he destroying your house or being abusive? As others have said, let his parents deal with discipline, and, unless he’s being destructive or behaving dangerously, I’d ignore any minor behaviour I don’t approve of.

Exactly this 😃

I second the advice that you should stick to your rules basically, but perhaps go through them in your mind and not make too much of the minor ones for a while.

At the age of five, most children will prefer those adults who let them have their own way all the time, but this will change.

No child gets his own way all the time at school, as you obviously cannot teach a class of 25 or thereabouts who all demand to get their own way, so the concept of doing as he is asked will dawn on your grandson, sooner or later.

Right now, it strikes me, but this may be an unjust assumption, that a lot of young parents let their children do as they please, either in the interest of a quiet life - meaning no arguments and tantrums, or simply because they are told that children of four or five are still very young. One day it will dawn on these parents that children need to be taught to be considerate etc.

I hope and trust that as your grandson grows up he will appreciate you for always having been fair and consequent in your dealings with him.

Well, you reap what you sow.

Thinking around child care changes. We have all had our turn and I've always felt it important to continue to learn and evaluate new ways of thinking. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. When we know better, we do better. I have huge respect for the gentle and loving way my AC parent their children and wish that I had known what they know.

We are on a very sharp learning curve at the moment as our youngest grandchild is awaiting assessment for what is very likely to be autism and it is causing huge problems at home and at school. What worked beautifully for our other grandchildren is of no use to this little one.

OP, the only advice I can offer for you is to remember how quickly your grandchildren grow up and see if you can't find a middle road where you can rebuild your relationship with your little grandson.

My grandson doesn't like us much either. That is because when he comes here, I will not allow him to stay on screens the whole day. His parents don't mind so he would rather be with them.

When he has to come here because his parents are going out, I do try and play other games with him and my granddaughter or go out with them to the park or into Central London. He is sulky and miserable at first but usually ends up enjoying it.

But now he stays with his mum and dad at the weekend whereas my granddaughter comes to us because she enjoys going out with me or doing art projects, etc, etc.

I really don't know what the answer is. In my opinion, technology has had a very detrimental effect on some children.

I would add that my grandson is 11, so perhaps not so relevant to the OP's situation.

I expect my gc to have manners and respect my home but other than that I do give them a bit of leeway I am not saying I am right it just works for me and DH , however I do know they get away with a lot more with their maternal gran so they see much more of her , still I think you should do what you feel is right for you

Granless

Some Grannies say ‘my house, my rules’.

Yes, my daughter says this to her children about coming to my house. She and I are in agreement about many things, but not all. I like to think that our treats make up for our tougher rules.
For example we don't eat in front of the TV (which they do at home) but I do always try to provide a nice dessert rather than their usual yoghurt.

I would be devastated if our granddaughter didn't like me. We spoilt her quite a bit when she used to come here but tried to stick (mostly) to her mother's rules re bedtime, good etc. She was always a delight. She is in her 20s now. A lovely, kind respectful, hard working young lady who got her degree and has just bought a house with her equally lovely boyfriend.

food not good.

I think it’s one thing to not allow the grands do anything dangerous or abusive to our homes - destroying things or harming themselves or others and another to attempt to take on teaching him manners etc at five when you say his parents aren’t concerning themselves with it. Of course he doesn’t like spending time with you , no one enjoys being corrected do they? As grands it’s our job to back up the parents in their ways of parenting not ours. Id relax all but the most crucial of rules and back off and start over. Perhaps as he gets older you can work on basic manners but for now I wouldn’t mess with too much

It is not your GC's role to fulfill your wants- to like you, to go to your home, to be the grandparent you want to be

I bet he feels your vibes and reacting accordingly

Back off, stop judging him and his parents and it all may turn around

Bell267

It’s not about you?
Show him love he has parents to teach him manners it isn’t your job
You sound just like my mil and a pain

But many parents don’t seem bothered about manners, then we wonder why the child is like he/she is.

It’s often just easier to let the child do as he/she wants, but they don’t always come across as very nice.

If i may i'd start with a couple of questions. Who told you he doesn't want to stay? Assuming you raised your DD according to your rules, have you had the conversation with her about this? Her answers may be hard to hear. Does she consider that you were 'too strict' and 'tough' with her and as a result is going the other way with her child. As long as he isn't behaving in a dangerous or destructive manner, what is he doing that is so bad?

Yes, good manners do matter (in my opinion) and as grandparents we are there to reinforce them. Yes, we have rules here when the GC come to stay, but not many. Each of our GC is different - one of them loved lego and building, our youngest, aged 6 is completely opposite - soldiers, guns is his current 'thing', as a result there is much clattering and banging when he is around. So in terms of 'doing what he wants' yes, to a point our GC do 'do what they want' when they are here. The more active one I take out on his bike, take him to the park in all weathers. The older one likes to play a game, so we wait until the little one is asleep and have quiet time with him.

We accept that our home will be chaotic whilst they are here. We have a bedroom for them where all their 'stuff' is kept, they both love rediscovering things they had forgotten about and i add/take away things as they grow - charity shops are brilliant to buy/donate things as their interests change.

Of course the ipads/tv's/phones are a point of contention at times, but wasn't it ever thus? I can remember being told i would get square eyes, or being moaned at that my head was in a book again when i should be doing homework, tidying my room etc. Even as an adult i can be found browsing the internet/watching something on TV instead of doing something more productive.

Talk to your daughter, bite your lip and hold your opinions to yourself unless asked and i hope you can build a relationship with your GS moving forward.

PS. Is it not a sweeping generalisation from some posters to say that parents these days do not seem to care about manners? Perhaps they would like to meet my DSIL's parents who are in their early 70's, my DSIL admitted he was dreading us meeting as he realised his parents, amongst other things, have awful table manners. Also, these days i work part time in a shop and i come across illmannered people of all ages.