People that will not help themselves.

Is she ADHD?things that are straight forward are OK but throw in passwords or forms asking for too much information causes us to be overwhelmed, it's like a blindness comes down fuzzing the brain, these call centres are a nightmare, press this press that ,,,yet actually you are very clever but easily distracted

A friend’s husband has just died and she said he did all the finances so she hasn’t a clue. i know she has often gone on holiday so I guess she is not going to be on the breadline. For now her son is sorting things, but really everyone of whatever sex or status needs to be able to understand their financial position and how to manage it. A sharp learning curve for some.
The OP’s friend should try to learn to manage for herself too.

If she has never had to do things she could just be afraid. When my husband was dying a friend said “try and get him to let you know about money and utility suppliers”. I said I already know but it seemed her husband controlled everything, she was not allowed any information about what happens in their life. He controlled her absolutely but allowed her to volunteer in the hospice because it was ‘woman’s work’. In my opinion he is a pig but she said her marriage vows are sacred and what he says goes. If he dies I don’t know what she will do.

Learned helplessness, I'd say.
Why not, we've worked our way through every diagnosis.

You have no choice but to become unavailable more often and let her sink. Or she'll be dragging you down when you're on your deathbed!

(Sounds like Lazyitis to me.)

Tizliz

*One annoying thing is the remote thermostat for the central heating I have the instructions but can not fathom out how it works. my heating is on 24/7 and 365 days a year*

you are not alone. When I had a new boiler fitted the engineer gave me the instruction sheet and said 'good luck'. I just turn it down when I go out/to bed

That's exactly what I do too.. it works fine for me because I have hot water all the time regardless of the heating..

Tizliz - get your sheet out - you can do it too!

midgey

It is just laziness. I know because I am perfectly capable of retuning my new thermostat but it will be annoying and time consuming, if I wait my daughter will do it for me. Will galvanise myself NOW!

That's great news Midgey.
You will be pleased as punch with yourself when it's done!

I did mine yesterday - had to get the instructions out to remind myself how to get into the "adjustment" part of the display but actually it is always intuitive once you get "in"!

I've put it off for about 3 weeks!

One annoying thing is the remote thermostat for the central heating I have the instructions but can not fathom out how it works. my heating is on 24/7 and 365 days a year

you are not alone. When I had a new boiler fitted the engineer gave me the instruction sheet and said 'good luck'. I just turn it down when I go out/to bed

Refer her to local senior services for help or a community assistance agency

I can empathise. DH treated me like a princess and took care of everything. When he died I did not have the first idea how to keep things running in the house. Three years down the line there are still things I can not manage and are left until a family member visits.
One annoying thing is the remote thermostat for the central heating I have the instructions but can not fathom out how it works. my heating is on 24/7 and 365 days a year
Please do not be judgemental about those who can not cope some people's brains are just wired differently.

GrannyHobson

Good answer! Sounds as though she may have the now fashionable attribute of ADHD?

I was going to say that she might have ADD or ADHD, which are now becoming better understood, as opposed to 'fashionable'. If so, there are strategies she could learn that might help her, but if she is getting on in years she might struggle to change at this stage in her life.

It's not your responsibility to do everything for her, but as she is dear to you it might help if you do things with her, insisting that she does enough to learn the ropes. Sometimes people get overwhelmed when tasks seem too big, and do better when tackling them in company.

It sounds to me like this lady has never had to do things for herself. Being an only child and 'cherished wife', she has possibly never had to rely on herself and has had everyone running around looking after her.

As other posters have said I would buy her a large calendar which she can hang on the wall. I would (initially) go through the year and make a note of the MOT date and any other regular dates.

I would also buy a notebook (large and in a bright colour so it doesn't get 'mislaid') and make a note of useful telephone numbers. I would also have a few 'how to' notes. You could do this as things arise, if they are regular occurrences.

My MIL is always accidentally messing up her remote control. She used to ring DH to drop everything and go over and sort it out for her. He showed her every time how to do it but she could never remember. I ended up writing it down in a step by step way and we haven't had a call about it since.

I appreciate you can't do a 'how to' for everything.

It is hard to step back from someone who will not help themselves but you have to decide yourself how much is too much.

I have always been very independent but I do rely on my DH for car based issues. However, if he was no longer around, I am sure I would be able to manage it myself. YouTube is wonderful for finding out how to do anything. I actually fixed the washing machine myself the other week, after finding out how to on YouTube.

Good points Beanie654321 - I wonder if this is the way this person has always been?

I am sorry to put a different view on things but has anyone thought about her mental health in this. I have a wonderful husband that does not understand the world as we do, it's not that he's lazy it's he doesn't understand. Alot of older people have been called lazy and idiots not because they are but because they have undiagnosed mental health issues like being on the spectrum. My DH is highly intelligent and worked all his life at a very good job, but he has little commonsense and unable at times to cope outside his world. It's not that he can't do things it's because he doesn't know how too, he just thinks differently. It isn't easy knowing someone like that, but it's worth continuing to remain friends with. Lists are a great idea to coping with things.

First of all people have a choice, no one has to learn how to used IT. My best friend, who is very practical as an ex-farmer, refuses to do anything she calls the modern world. She will not have a Standing Order with the bank, does not trust the post office service so delivers everything by hand she possibly can. Barely uses a card, and has only just bought an iPad because everyone kept on at her, but does not use it. I have been helping her a lot with lots of thing and started to say instead of me doing it for you let us do it together. I now realise she has always had learning difficulties and is very badly dyslexic, cannot spell the most simple word. No wonder she is hesitant with the iPad. She is frightened of it. I know several elderly people 80+ who do not want to touch IT, all the worry of scamming and losing money, why would they want to go through that if they don't really need to? People must have a choice, the same with using cash or cards, one of our shops refused to take cash (notes) today's there are a lot of fakes around up to Christmas, people were in uproar. so we must be able to choose at all times. I have now gone back to helping my friend but try to enable her too. There is a big difference. I would say to OP get your friend to do it with you, if she refuses leave her to it, but if she does it with you well and good, I agree there could be something medically wrong one way or. another that you don't see.

MommmieD

My dad had Alzheimer's. I read your story and tears came to my eyes because almost everything you wrote was true in the early days of his dementia (and of course it got worse.) Do remember that at the beginning an individual with dementia mostly acts and talks normally. but when you know what you are looking for there are obvious signs that something is really really wrong. (Helplessness is a big red flag.) Please don't bring the possibility of this diagnosis up with your friend because if her brain is dying she also has no ability to "fix herself" and no ability to self-evaluate what is changing. (Google anosognosia.) Do give a call to the Alzheimer's Society and explain what you are seeing and ask for their advice.

I can guarantee this is not dementia.

I have very mixed feelings about all this. In many things I am extremely competent (age 73). I was an Accountant so managing my finances is second nature. I am proficient with computers (enough, anyway) and use Zoom. I use online banking for most things and manage my credit cards well. However, I have also got a list of things I struggle with - and always have. Machines have always foxed me. I even struggle with modern TVs without a shortlist of main instructions and I could easily go 10 days not knowing what to do about it. Probably in tears!!

I do have a husband who is (a) totally ignorant about finances (b) pretty useless with a computer (despite having been a computer programmer for years and later a University lecturer in computing) and (c) would live in total unsanitary conditions and disorganised mess if it were not for me.

Both of us would be in a mess if one of us were not here - but in different ways.

Neither of us has any sign of dementia.

Right now we are both struggling to get our TV to work. It tells us there is no signal (we have a satellite dish and a set-top box). There is no sound either. I have not a clue. He is better at trying things but after an hour still no signal. We do not know what to do.

Giving your neighbour a list of contacts is an excellent idea but where we live there simply are no people to contact for half the problems suggested.

All that said, it is true that some people just will not try, and many of my contacts (I am treasurer of our u3a) just refuse to move with the times. I could name fifty members who have never considered a computer (or even a smartphone) and would die rather than purchase goods online. One member, a highly intelligent retired solicitor still drives 30 miles to "her" bank to draw out cash every week to pay all her expenses. When her local branch closed the manager took her outside and showed her how to use the cash dispenser. It is still there but she can't (won't?) use it.

I am perfectly knowledgeable about politics, having spent a lifetime involved both locally and nationally. So is my DH when I educate him on the subject!

She's lazy and has been taking advantage of your kindness. I was widowed 17 years ago and have learned to do things I never imagined I would need to do or able to come to that. She needs to do things for herself, the medication business is totally stupid, her GP will put
her right.

Kind and patient and a good listener. She sounds a gem. Maybe she doesnt want to be fixed really. As you say, intelligent but lazy. Live and let live but don't see her as your problem.

I totally agree. I also have a friend like that! Her dad did everything for her, then her husband, they divorced now it's her son! Down to no idea how to put air in her tyres or water in windscreen washer etc etc...Anytime Ive said Ill show her...it's fine ...Jamie will.do it! My dad made sure I knew basic car maintenance and had to show him before he let me take family car out on my own..also basic things like changing a light bulb, checking fuses etc. And it has all come in useful...🙏💜

I think she may be autistic (high functioning autism). She will have confusion and be unwilling to do things out of the ordinary and be wary of strangers, hence why she heavily depends on you.

My dad had Alzheimer's. I read your story and tears came to my eyes because almost everything you wrote was true in the early days of his dementia (and of course it got worse.) Do remember that at the beginning an individual with dementia mostly acts and talks normally. but when you know what you are looking for there are obvious signs that something is really really wrong. (Helplessness is a big red flag.) Please don't bring the possibility of this diagnosis up with your friend because if her brain is dying she also has no ability to "fix herself" and no ability to self-evaluate what is changing. (Google anosognosia.) Do give a call to the Alzheimer's Society and explain what you are seeing and ask for their advice.

These are all early signs of dementia. When someone's brain is dying their ability to learn and process new information is gone. Their ability to plan and remember is gone. There is no ability to problem solve. All they can do is rely on someone else - their brain no longer is working correctly. Please don't turn away from this friend right now - she may need you more than ever because you are the only one that perceives the problem. That doesn't mean you must take on responsibility yourself but you may need to contact someone who can do this. Does your friend have family who should be contacted? (Make a list of signs you are seeing that are not quite right so you can explain what seems abnormal.) If there is no family, contact the Alzheimer's Society and ask for advice.

My friend isn’t allowed 🤦🏼‍♀️ to use their laptop because her husband says she will mess things up, yeh, right.
A few of us have our own opinions why he won’t let her near it 😉
That means I order all her online stuff.