Embarrassed over my life at nearly 40.

Please don't feel ashamed or embarassed by your home situation. I do, however, understand the feelings of panic as you look at what could be your future. Are your two sisters approachable? Would you be able to chat with them about your fears, maybe a 'mass' approach to encourage your Mother to go to the GP, she is being unfair and unreasonable by refusing to take responsibility for her own health.

Also it's very hard to get PIP - you either need to have severe mobility issues or need help at home - the OP said she was "not bad enough" to be eligible for PIP.

Really you are too much in your own company, get out join a group,book club, walking group,something the longer you dwell in yhese thoughts the harder it will be to change them, 40 is young,you can study online ,find something your good at, your parents are relatively young still, they may want you to branch out, don't assume, get your hat and coat on and go for a walk in the Park, nature heals,

I mean her sisters may envy her not being married. Agree it was rather a generalisation and I didn't factor widowhood into it. Not all marriages are happy though.

She mentioned envying her married sisters. I think at 40 that may be the case.

gentleshores I was widowed when I was 45 . I don't envy married people and do not consider myself single . I am still married to me. No idea why you would think that . And it doesn't help LilacRain.

PIP is not means tested, so any savings you have will not exclude you from getting PIP.

Did you get help and advice in applying for PIP. Like a lot of Benefits, advice from a disability rights body can do much to help people qualify it, by understanding what language to know to describe their problems and how to know which physical problems they have. I was for many years a benefits advisor for older people and there was a real skill in knowing how to complete Attendance Allowance forms, for example.

M0nica

gentleshores

Also believe me - married people envy single people and vice versa.

Not necessarily.

I don't...

gentleshores

Also believe me - married people envy single people and vice versa.

Not necessarily.

Also believe me - married people envy single people and vice versa.

The reason I mention that is - after some travel your perspective changes, you have ideas - and things fall into place.

Looking back at your post it says "nearly" 40 . It is very common for us to have this kind of "mid life crisis" when a big decade birthday is approaching - especially 40. But if you rationalize that that is what it is then it helps. I was single and unfit at 40 as well but I didn't feel my age and joined new things. And was pleased that I didn't look my age either. When I turned 50 it was a huge celebration! It seemed completely different - it was yay I'm still alive. And yay I don't look 50. And it was a time I got in contact with a lot of old school friends also turning 50 and we had a bit of a reunion.

When things get grungy in life, I think it helps to renew contact with old friends from your younger days - it reminds you of the person you were as a teenager - you are still that same person. So remember all your cool, fun qualities as a teenager - it's a bit of a sort of "finding yourself" as well.

Counselling can sometimes help as well. Feel positive about yourself and remember who you are and everything will fall into place. I think it's time you had a good holiday by the sound of it. Have you thought about doing a kind of "back packing" holiday? Without the backpack (a suitcase on wheels is easier), staying in youth hostels. I did that in my forties and it was great - there are people of all ages staying in youth hostels. I met one lady travelling the world in her 80s.

You don't say what sort of work you do, but could you move to another job away from London where you could afford to rent a small flat? Or try to work in a residential job maybe as a volunteer. This would give you the chance to experience life as an independent person and more importantly to see if it suits you...

My savings are too high and I am not 'bad' enough for PIP.
I admit, I do envy my sisters. I know comparison is the thief of joy by undoubtedly, their lives are very easy as they are healthy and supported financially by their partners while having nice homes of their own.
When I was a kid, all the older family members worried about my aunt who was in my exact position, except she was healthy and could afford to move out. I hate the thought of my parents and siblings doing the same to me. One of my sisters really looks down on me. Of course she is aware of my health issues but makes snide comments about low earners and is very belittling. I am dreading Christmas and being around them all to be honest. My mum stopped working at 48 and my sisters will likely do the same.
I feel I have nobody to speak to or anyone who will listen so I have posting here helpful. I don't have an older female figure in my life to confide in so I feel I have made the right decision posting here.

It's the dread which is beginning to paralyse you it seems lilacrain but you could use it instead as a motivator to attempt to change your own future.

Lots of good suggestions on here.
A friend's son has just moved out from the parental home to his first own place. He's about your age.

Good luck to you. A lot of sympathy too. It sounds really hard.

I feel for you Lilacrain.

On a practical level does your local council offer an assisted deposit for private renting, it may be worth checking as I helped my grandaughter look into this when she was looking to move out ( she lived with me)

Are you getting the benefits you need such as PIP, which would entitle you to help with your rent and council tax with help from universal credit to top you up.

You wouldnt be rolling in money but you would be independant.

It may help to look away from London and maybe try one of the outside London councils.

I wish you luck, and I know you feel life is passing you by, but you are still young enough to have courage to try.

Good luck

Please don’t be ashamed. It is circumstance that has forced you into your situation, not some inherent character flaw!
There are plenty of people around
your age and older who still live with their parents and it’s getting more and more common due to property prices and the cost of renting. You sound like a good person with a lot to offer so I’d suggest making the most of what you have and finding out what brings you contentment and then focusing on that.

LilacRain Have you considered whether you might be suffering from depression? It would be very understandable in your situation. I am sure, unlike your mother, you are receiving medical care. Next time you see your doctor, tell him how down and despairing you are feeling and he will be able to refer you to counsellors who can help you recover.

I agree with all previous posts and think you should chat to your sisters though. Use this time at home to do things that give you happiness, stop over worrying about the future, think of now and keep of that other forum. I think a lot of us think other peoples lives are so much more sorted than are own, the truth is we don't know. I have been married, had children and still am lonely a lot. You are fine as you are.

LilacRain you have nothing to be ashamed off. You work whilst having health problems. From what others have posted London is a very expensive place to live . Age has nothing to do with you living at home . It's down to over priced accommodation. You are being independent in living at home with your parents doing your own cooking etc.

Can you talk to your dad privately about getting your mom seen by a GP as by what you have said she's needs to be seen and tests run to find out what her health problems are.

With your own health problems could you afford to live independently away from London . Where you could afford to either rent or buy a place of your own ? I know it would be an upheaval but you are a young woman who needs to live your life to the full. It's doesn't mean you are abandoning your parents . As parents we bring our children up to adulthood and we have to let them fly and find their own lives .

Have you looked outside of London at places you would like to live independently and get work ?
But never feel ashamed of still being at home.you have nothing to be ashamed of .

Your situation is not something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about .... why would you? You are doing nothing wrong. What you believe others might think is irrelevant, but what you want for yourself does matter.
Try and think how you might prefer your life to be and make concrete plans for that.

But it may be that you are in fact content with your life in the main and only feel uncomfortable about it when you start worrying about what others think. Hold your head up and be yourself.

You are still so young and living near London is so expensive. Many many people of your age live with parents. And your parents are only early 60s. Do they both still work as they are not yet state pensionable age by a few years?
It could be another 20 years before you need to be a "carer". Your mothers symptoms could indicate something very easy to control. Can your sisters encourage her to see her GP?
Can you ask your sisters advice?
Look at January 2025 as a time to investigate a hobby outside the home which is local if possible so not far to travel if walking is a problem. Is there a website or helpline for your autoimmune diseases? Have they got a members forum for discussion and advice?
I wonder what your parents would say about the situation if they posted on Gransnet. They may say our daughter lives with us and is worried about our future, but she need not.

I think you need to talk to your sisters if you can and get their help onboard to help you plan your life.

M0nica

Firstly: Why on earth should you be ashamed that you are single and living at home in your 40s? What is there to be ashamed of, particularly as you also have chronic health problems. It sounds perfectly reasonable and normal to me, and probably most other people as well.

Secondly: why are you assuming that your parents look on you as a carer in their old aage? Have you discussed that with them? Stop assuming what they are thinking, when you do not know.

I agree your mother sounds as if she has some illness and should go and see a doctor, but it may well be something quite trivial, but she cannot know until she sees a doctor - and the longer she delays this, the worse it may get. As for dementia, none of the symptoms you say your mother has sound remotely like dementia.

It seems to me you spend far too much time wondering and imagining everything that could possibly go wrong, but do nothing to confirm any of your conjectures.

Start by trying to find out the facts behind all your fears. Encourage your mother to see a doctor. Then consider seeing a counsellor to work out why you keep working up these fears but do nothing to resolve them. When you have done that you can move on thinking about what it is possible and practical for you to do to become more independent of your parents.

MOnica speaks the truth. You say that you feel shame when you read ‘other forums’, but, in the first place, you don’t know how true the stuff is that’s being posted, and, in the second, if your living arrangements suit you and you are happy, why should you change them?

Put it like this - Helena Bonham Carter lived with her parents for years as an adult! Out of choice.

It sounds like you're having a low day and everything seems bigger and more worrying than it is. I agree with everyone else, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And 40 is most definitely not old! Your parents are in their sixties and will go on for a long time yet. If your Mother does need care, your Dad will probably be the first person. It's when they're in their 80s you want to worry - but don't worry about that yet. If your Mother did get Alzheimers she might have to go into a home anyway, as some people just aren't safe to be left at home and can't be watched 24 hours a day.

A close friend of mine never left home and always lived with her parents. They were all very easy about it. She had her own life and friends and used to go on holidays at least twice a year - and that was her bit of independence. When her parents got older and sicker they had care from hospitals and district nurses - both her parents ended up dying in hospital in the end. But yes she was ok in the end and inherited the house. You can still live a fairly independent life whether you live at home or not. There are advantages to it as well! Think of it as a choice rather than feeling trapped. Because it is a choice - a choice from necessity maybe but still a choice.

When things overwhelm you, think about the positives. It's safe, it's affordable, you have company when you want it. Your parents love you and are trustworthy.

I'd suggest starting some kind of new hobby or night class - maybe something creative? So you have an outlet from work and home, would meet like minded people and expand your life a bit in terms of what you do. Also think about planning a holiday.

But never be ashamed. You should be proud of yourself.