Embarrassed over my life at nearly 40.

Oh lovey. I can sense your anguish and just wanted to say I hope 2025 brings you a whole bunch of good things, emotionally and materially. Good people count in this world. x

Lots of men and women who are single and live in London live with their parents, saves money and gives company after all, no shame in it.
They obvs enjoy having you there, doesn’t mean they plan on having you as a carer.
If you can’t work full time due to poor health it makes sense for you to live with them, it doesn’t mean forever, you may meet someone a future partner and things will change.
Make sure you still go out and do things tho.

Practically what options do you have for moving out to a house share if that appeals? It might give you some independence if that’s what you want.
It can’t be easy to have two autoimmune diseases however. I don’t think sickness benefits are very generous if you don’t work.
Is your father still capable and able to help your mother? Have you talked to your parents about wanting to move out?
Hopefully you will find your path.

Firstly: Why on earth should you be ashamed that you are single and living at home in your 40s? What is there to be ashamed of, particularly as you also have chronic health problems. It sounds perfectly reasonable and normal to me, and probably most other people as well.

Secondly: why are you assuming that your parents look on you as a carer in their old aage? Have you discussed that with them? Stop assuming what they are thinking, when you do not know.

I agree your mother sounds as if she has some illness and should go and see a doctor, but it may well be something quite trivial, but she cannot know until she sees a doctor - and the longer she delays this, the worse it may get. As for dementia, none of the symptoms you say your mother has sound remotely like dementia.

It seems to me you spend far too much time wondering and imagining everything that could possibly go wrong, but do nothing to confirm any of your conjectures.

Start by trying to find out the facts behind all your fears. Encourage your mother to see a doctor. Then consider seeing a counsellor to work out why you keep working up these fears but do nothing to resolve them. When you have done that you can move on thinking about what it is possible and practical for you to do to become more independent of your parents.

Just sending a 🤗
We all have different paths to take, you ll find yours, don’t give up, every time we are knocked down we are given the opportunity to get up

Your parents may be over protective, but they are getting used to having you around and possibly beginning to rely on you. Your mother sounds as though she has vertigo, which is easily treated.
Would you be able to rent, or live in supervised housing? I know a 37 year old who has a flat and a mobility car provided; she suffers fibromyalgia flare- ups occasionally, but is unable (?) to work.
Investigate all possible options.

You should be very proud LilacRain. Despite your health issues, you're working and saving hard. There's no shame at still living at home at 40.

Have you talked to your parents about your concerns regarding your mum's health? This is a conversation any loving adult child would feel the need to have, to hopefully encourage your mum to see her GP.

As FriedGreenTomatoes has posted Good people count in this world and you sound like a good person to me x

I can't afford to rent as a single person and even shared rooms are extortionate here and I am too old to be accepted into one in many cases anyway.
By nature I like being alone and I do my own thing of a weekend.
The reason I am so worried is because my aunt who is now 54 is in the exact same position as me and has had an absolutely awful time of being a carer to my grandparents. She could afford to move out and always has been in that position but she chooses not to as enjoys the company. Where as I am not happy and want independence. I have seen how horrible her life is and I'm terrified I will be in the same position.
I am almost 40 which is unreal to me, the years go by so very fast. One minute you are young, the next you are not.

With my mum her hearing is awful also and she is very forgetful. I suspect she has high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes but she refuses to get checked.
I can see where my life is heading after giving those above examples. My mum said she will not want carers in as they are very expensive and she definitely wouldn't go into a care home even if it was very much necessary. She is quite childlike in her behaviour and isn't thinking about the future. Relying on me to be a future carer isn't fair or reasonable. I already have my own health issues. I may be in a even worse position than them in the next few years.
The problem with both my parents is that they don't listen to my worries or take me seriously. I have tried and their response was 'Well. You will be fine when we are gone.' That isn't helpful at all as you can imagine.

Thanks for the kind responses and not judging me.

I hope you have your own room and are as independent as you are able to be in the home. you are fortunate that you have somewhere to live as it's very hard on your own to find somewhere. there's no shame in that.
why don't you talk to your doctor about your parents, there maybe some help for your mother out there.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I am a similar age, and there are similarities in our situations.

I think you should drop any feelings of shame. You have had a lot of bad luck come your way, and that is not your fault. Life is essentially a series of random events and chance. Of course we can try our best to control things, but sometimes they are just out of our control.

I understand your worries about potentially becoming a carer. May I ask, are you an only child? I am and I worry every single day about how I will cope with looking after my aging parents all on my own. Maybe you should speak with them and let them know your worries.

I hope things look up for you soon.

Sorry, I have just read your last post. I think your parents are being very unreasonable and thoughtless. I have a similar situation with my own mother in that I don't think she appreciates how scary the thought of being alone is. It's not her life, so she can't relate to it. It is very frustrating and saddening. I have become almost resentful that she ever had me.

I have two sisters. Both have moved out with higher earning partners. Without them they wouldn't have been able to. I do feel envious of them at times. Their lives are very simple. They work small jobs, no kids between them and are physically healthy.
It's hard because I feel my parents just laugh it off when I wish they would have a proper conversation with me about the future. Instead of fobbing me off or making light of it.
They are always saying how tough my aunts life is being a carer yet they seem to want the same for me as there are no solid plans in place that they have made. And as I've noted, with my own health issues (which can flare up unexpectedly. For example, I couldn't walk on Wednesday as I was in so much pain) then this is very foolish of them. Sometimes I think I am the only one being am adult in the home.

I contribute, do chores, do my own cooking and cleaning and do have my own room luckily. But I feel so ashamed and embarrassed with myself especially at my age.

oh don't be ashamed of yourself. ....as you say your parents don't want you to move, do your utmost to move. go to local authority and enquire about getting a small flat. It is not good to be in constant conversation with your parents because it becomes repetitive which will depress you...

As I said in my previous post, LilacRain your feelings of embarrassment and ashame are totally unwarranted. life would be much better for you if you did not have them. Please seek counselling to help you deal with them.

I have had some horrible comments of late mainly on the 'other' forum. I know people can be extremely judgemental and I just hate the idea of people looking at me in this way. As a failure.
All my mums friends adult kids are married with kids. I know we don't all have to follow the same path but it's embarrassing.
I don't think I would be given a flat by the authority either. I don't live in overcrowded conditions, I don't have kids and I am not severely disabled. I would be very low down on the list.

Please, please, don’t feel ashamed. You’ve committed no crimes and harmed no one! Unfortunate circumstances have led you to being in this position so maybe you need to form a plan to help you move on in life.

Do you enjoy your new job? Is there a way adjustments could be made to allow you to do your previous work? Is it worth thinking if there is something else you could try? Or perhaps return to studying?

How well are your conditions controlled? Is there more that could be done to help you manage them? Can you get financial support for them, or a Motability car? Do you have a social life with friends?

I do think you need a plan for the future, otherwise nothing is going to change. Would your sisters help you, do you think?

You deserve more, I hope you get it.

LilacRain

I have had some horrible comments of late mainly on the 'other' forum. I know people can be extremely judgemental and I just hate the idea of people looking at me in this way. As a failure.
All my mums friends adult kids are married with kids. I know we don't all have to follow the same path but it's embarrassing.
I don't think I would be given a flat by the authority either. I don't live in overcrowded conditions, I don't have kids and I am not severely disabled. I would be very low down on the list.

I would try not to frequent the 'other' forum. I find people on there can sometimes be quite smug and thoughtless. In another life, they might not have been so lucky as to meet a partner young / have children etc.

The last thing anyone on here would think of doing is judging you. You have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed. I’m sure many of us have sons and daughters in positions similar to yours - it’s not uncommon for people in your age group to be living at home with parents. Housing is problematic and expensive these days. Try not to think your options are closed and that the future holds nothing for you. As you say, you’re not severely disabled - you have a life ahead of you. Try to go more than halfway to meet it, get help in doing so if you feel you need it. Please don’t give up and don’t think of yourself only in terms of a future caring for your parents.

I think finding yourself a way of living independently would give you a big boost - not easy, I know, but see if there’s a housing advice centre, or similar, in your area, perhaps one connected to the local housing authority. You may find there are possibilities you haven’t considered.

Good luck.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You work, are responsible , care about your parents and your situation. You're doing as much as you can and it's a shame your parents can't face a situation which is not going away. You can't change others but please look after yourself and your own interests.

It sounds like you're having a low day and everything seems bigger and more worrying than it is. I agree with everyone else, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And 40 is most definitely not old! Your parents are in their sixties and will go on for a long time yet. If your Mother does need care, your Dad will probably be the first person. It's when they're in their 80s you want to worry - but don't worry about that yet. If your Mother did get Alzheimers she might have to go into a home anyway, as some people just aren't safe to be left at home and can't be watched 24 hours a day.

A close friend of mine never left home and always lived with her parents. They were all very easy about it. She had her own life and friends and used to go on holidays at least twice a year - and that was her bit of independence. When her parents got older and sicker they had care from hospitals and district nurses - both her parents ended up dying in hospital in the end. But yes she was ok in the end and inherited the house. You can still live a fairly independent life whether you live at home or not. There are advantages to it as well! Think of it as a choice rather than feeling trapped. Because it is a choice - a choice from necessity maybe but still a choice.

When things overwhelm you, think about the positives. It's safe, it's affordable, you have company when you want it. Your parents love you and are trustworthy.

I'd suggest starting some kind of new hobby or night class - maybe something creative? So you have an outlet from work and home, would meet like minded people and expand your life a bit in terms of what you do. Also think about planning a holiday.

But never be ashamed. You should be proud of yourself.

Put it like this - Helena Bonham Carter lived with her parents for years as an adult! Out of choice.

M0nica

Firstly: Why on earth should you be ashamed that you are single and living at home in your 40s? What is there to be ashamed of, particularly as you also have chronic health problems. It sounds perfectly reasonable and normal to me, and probably most other people as well.

Secondly: why are you assuming that your parents look on you as a carer in their old aage? Have you discussed that with them? Stop assuming what they are thinking, when you do not know.

I agree your mother sounds as if she has some illness and should go and see a doctor, but it may well be something quite trivial, but she cannot know until she sees a doctor - and the longer she delays this, the worse it may get. As for dementia, none of the symptoms you say your mother has sound remotely like dementia.

It seems to me you spend far too much time wondering and imagining everything that could possibly go wrong, but do nothing to confirm any of your conjectures.

Start by trying to find out the facts behind all your fears. Encourage your mother to see a doctor. Then consider seeing a counsellor to work out why you keep working up these fears but do nothing to resolve them. When you have done that you can move on thinking about what it is possible and practical for you to do to become more independent of your parents.

MOnica speaks the truth. You say that you feel shame when you read ‘other forums’, but, in the first place, you don’t know how true the stuff is that’s being posted, and, in the second, if your living arrangements suit you and you are happy, why should you change them?

You are still so young and living near London is so expensive. Many many people of your age live with parents. And your parents are only early 60s. Do they both still work as they are not yet state pensionable age by a few years?
It could be another 20 years before you need to be a "carer". Your mothers symptoms could indicate something very easy to control. Can your sisters encourage her to see her GP?
Can you ask your sisters advice?
Look at January 2025 as a time to investigate a hobby outside the home which is local if possible so not far to travel if walking is a problem. Is there a website or helpline for your autoimmune diseases? Have they got a members forum for discussion and advice?
I wonder what your parents would say about the situation if they posted on Gransnet. They may say our daughter lives with us and is worried about our future, but she need not.

I think you need to talk to your sisters if you can and get their help onboard to help you plan your life.

Your situation is not something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about .... why would you? You are doing nothing wrong. What you believe others might think is irrelevant, but what you want for yourself does matter.
Try and think how you might prefer your life to be and make concrete plans for that.

But it may be that you are in fact content with your life in the main and only feel uncomfortable about it when you start worrying about what others think. Hold your head up and be yourself.