Embarrassed over my life at nearly 40.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You work, are responsible , care about your parents and your situation. You're doing as much as you can and it's a shame your parents can't face a situation which is not going away. You can't change others but please look after yourself and your own interests.

The last thing anyone on here would think of doing is judging you. You have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed. I’m sure many of us have sons and daughters in positions similar to yours - it’s not uncommon for people in your age group to be living at home with parents. Housing is problematic and expensive these days. Try not to think your options are closed and that the future holds nothing for you. As you say, you’re not severely disabled - you have a life ahead of you. Try to go more than halfway to meet it, get help in doing so if you feel you need it. Please don’t give up and don’t think of yourself only in terms of a future caring for your parents.

I think finding yourself a way of living independently would give you a big boost - not easy, I know, but see if there’s a housing advice centre, or similar, in your area, perhaps one connected to the local housing authority. You may find there are possibilities you haven’t considered.

Good luck.

LilacRain

I have had some horrible comments of late mainly on the 'other' forum. I know people can be extremely judgemental and I just hate the idea of people looking at me in this way. As a failure.
All my mums friends adult kids are married with kids. I know we don't all have to follow the same path but it's embarrassing.
I don't think I would be given a flat by the authority either. I don't live in overcrowded conditions, I don't have kids and I am not severely disabled. I would be very low down on the list.

I would try not to frequent the 'other' forum. I find people on there can sometimes be quite smug and thoughtless. In another life, they might not have been so lucky as to meet a partner young / have children etc.

Please, please, don’t feel ashamed. You’ve committed no crimes and harmed no one! Unfortunate circumstances have led you to being in this position so maybe you need to form a plan to help you move on in life.

Do you enjoy your new job? Is there a way adjustments could be made to allow you to do your previous work? Is it worth thinking if there is something else you could try? Or perhaps return to studying?

How well are your conditions controlled? Is there more that could be done to help you manage them? Can you get financial support for them, or a Motability car? Do you have a social life with friends?

I do think you need a plan for the future, otherwise nothing is going to change. Would your sisters help you, do you think?

You deserve more, I hope you get it.

I have had some horrible comments of late mainly on the 'other' forum. I know people can be extremely judgemental and I just hate the idea of people looking at me in this way. As a failure.
All my mums friends adult kids are married with kids. I know we don't all have to follow the same path but it's embarrassing.
I don't think I would be given a flat by the authority either. I don't live in overcrowded conditions, I don't have kids and I am not severely disabled. I would be very low down on the list.

As I said in my previous post, LilacRain your feelings of embarrassment and ashame are totally unwarranted. life would be much better for you if you did not have them. Please seek counselling to help you deal with them.

oh don't be ashamed of yourself. ....as you say your parents don't want you to move, do your utmost to move. go to local authority and enquire about getting a small flat. It is not good to be in constant conversation with your parents because it becomes repetitive which will depress you...

I have two sisters. Both have moved out with higher earning partners. Without them they wouldn't have been able to. I do feel envious of them at times. Their lives are very simple. They work small jobs, no kids between them and are physically healthy.
It's hard because I feel my parents just laugh it off when I wish they would have a proper conversation with me about the future. Instead of fobbing me off or making light of it.
They are always saying how tough my aunts life is being a carer yet they seem to want the same for me as there are no solid plans in place that they have made. And as I've noted, with my own health issues (which can flare up unexpectedly. For example, I couldn't walk on Wednesday as I was in so much pain) then this is very foolish of them. Sometimes I think I am the only one being am adult in the home.

I contribute, do chores, do my own cooking and cleaning and do have my own room luckily. But I feel so ashamed and embarrassed with myself especially at my age.

Sorry, I have just read your last post. I think your parents are being very unreasonable and thoughtless. I have a similar situation with my own mother in that I don't think she appreciates how scary the thought of being alone is. It's not her life, so she can't relate to it. It is very frustrating and saddening. I have become almost resentful that she ever had me.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I am a similar age, and there are similarities in our situations.

I think you should drop any feelings of shame. You have had a lot of bad luck come your way, and that is not your fault. Life is essentially a series of random events and chance. Of course we can try our best to control things, but sometimes they are just out of our control.

I understand your worries about potentially becoming a carer. May I ask, are you an only child? I am and I worry every single day about how I will cope with looking after my aging parents all on my own. Maybe you should speak with them and let them know your worries.

I hope things look up for you soon.

I hope you have your own room and are as independent as you are able to be in the home. you are fortunate that you have somewhere to live as it's very hard on your own to find somewhere. there's no shame in that.
why don't you talk to your doctor about your parents, there maybe some help for your mother out there.

I can't afford to rent as a single person and even shared rooms are extortionate here and I am too old to be accepted into one in many cases anyway.
By nature I like being alone and I do my own thing of a weekend.
The reason I am so worried is because my aunt who is now 54 is in the exact same position as me and has had an absolutely awful time of being a carer to my grandparents. She could afford to move out and always has been in that position but she chooses not to as enjoys the company. Where as I am not happy and want independence. I have seen how horrible her life is and I'm terrified I will be in the same position.
I am almost 40 which is unreal to me, the years go by so very fast. One minute you are young, the next you are not.

With my mum her hearing is awful also and she is very forgetful. I suspect she has high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes but she refuses to get checked.
I can see where my life is heading after giving those above examples. My mum said she will not want carers in as they are very expensive and she definitely wouldn't go into a care home even if it was very much necessary. She is quite childlike in her behaviour and isn't thinking about the future. Relying on me to be a future carer isn't fair or reasonable. I already have my own health issues. I may be in a even worse position than them in the next few years.
The problem with both my parents is that they don't listen to my worries or take me seriously. I have tried and their response was 'Well. You will be fine when we are gone.' That isn't helpful at all as you can imagine.

Thanks for the kind responses and not judging me.

You should be very proud LilacRain. Despite your health issues, you're working and saving hard. There's no shame at still living at home at 40.

Have you talked to your parents about your concerns regarding your mum's health? This is a conversation any loving adult child would feel the need to have, to hopefully encourage your mum to see her GP.

As FriedGreenTomatoes has posted Good people count in this world and you sound like a good person to me x

Your parents may be over protective, but they are getting used to having you around and possibly beginning to rely on you. Your mother sounds as though she has vertigo, which is easily treated.
Would you be able to rent, or live in supervised housing? I know a 37 year old who has a flat and a mobility car provided; she suffers fibromyalgia flare- ups occasionally, but is unable (?) to work.
Investigate all possible options.

Just sending a 🤗
We all have different paths to take, you ll find yours, don’t give up, every time we are knocked down we are given the opportunity to get up

Firstly: Why on earth should you be ashamed that you are single and living at home in your 40s? What is there to be ashamed of, particularly as you also have chronic health problems. It sounds perfectly reasonable and normal to me, and probably most other people as well.

Secondly: why are you assuming that your parents look on you as a carer in their old aage? Have you discussed that with them? Stop assuming what they are thinking, when you do not know.

I agree your mother sounds as if she has some illness and should go and see a doctor, but it may well be something quite trivial, but she cannot know until she sees a doctor - and the longer she delays this, the worse it may get. As for dementia, none of the symptoms you say your mother has sound remotely like dementia.

It seems to me you spend far too much time wondering and imagining everything that could possibly go wrong, but do nothing to confirm any of your conjectures.

Start by trying to find out the facts behind all your fears. Encourage your mother to see a doctor. Then consider seeing a counsellor to work out why you keep working up these fears but do nothing to resolve them. When you have done that you can move on thinking about what it is possible and practical for you to do to become more independent of your parents.

Practically what options do you have for moving out to a house share if that appeals? It might give you some independence if that’s what you want.
It can’t be easy to have two autoimmune diseases however. I don’t think sickness benefits are very generous if you don’t work.
Is your father still capable and able to help your mother? Have you talked to your parents about wanting to move out?
Hopefully you will find your path.

Lots of men and women who are single and live in London live with their parents, saves money and gives company after all, no shame in it.
They obvs enjoy having you there, doesn’t mean they plan on having you as a carer.
If you can’t work full time due to poor health it makes sense for you to live with them, it doesn’t mean forever, you may meet someone a future partner and things will change.
Make sure you still go out and do things tho.

Oh lovey. I can sense your anguish and just wanted to say I hope 2025 brings you a whole bunch of good things, emotionally and materially. Good people count in this world. x