Help me de-stress please

Great sympathy! As has been said, you can’t change him, so how to manage?
This might work for him: only one piece of specific information to deal with, perhaps written down, like, “Always sort washing before drying.”
For now, ask him to bring all your recently washed clothes to you, where you can sort into piles to be dried, ironed or whatever. Then pack what you can, a little at a time
Wishing you well with your situation

Petra explains what makes you change your reaction volume very well. The breathing, holding breath, it slows brain down and calms. Really works, breath in counting, hold it counting, breath out very slowly & counting
Yeah, at end of day frustration makes you feel horrid inside nothing gained but more grey hairs lol. Iv just reread book Don't sweat the small stuff, really helps me get perspective again

The notes are a good idea, thank you. Yes I absolutely want to go away on this holiday (it's a couple of days after Christmas). I need it. I know I'm dependant on my mobility scooter and it's been carefully planned - accessible accommodation, ramps on trains etc. I knew I wouldn't get through this winter without a short holiday/break.

I actually did that as well re clothes, that night. I went online and found a few new items that would make packing a lot easier and it cheered me up. Shouldn't have spent the money but .......

I still have a few days to get the packing sorted, at my very slow pace. Then grandson dropped that he was bringing his girlfriend over for the day (no notice). I sailed through that and left them to it and still managed to get a few things organised.

We had to cancel a holiday in the summer due to me getting injured just before and I don't want that to happen again.

It would be nice if we were going somewhere hot, but we're not so clothes are important to get layers right.

Men are from mars and women are from Venus! That statement is so true. My hubby drives me up the pesky wall since he retired in 2019. Oh how I wish I had appreciated those days when he worked. I hope you are mobile soon. I would cancel the trip and forget about the washing or packing. Look after yourself. Sending you hugs. Xx

Just the practicalities first. Do you need or want to go away, or could you say you dont feel up to it now. Be like the queen, have an "official" birthday /christmas. So next week just have an normal wednesday, following your normal routine as far as you can. Then you can choose your "official " date when you feel better, when you will have your pick of restaurants, easier travel etc. If you still need to go at this time, think about the most important clothes that you want. Look at the wrecked clothes labels and write down the size and style. .so say you have an M&S dress, you could look online and see if they are still selling it, then ring the local one and see if they have one there and your husband can go through the traffic and get it. Or alternatively, is there a local shop to you that you like and have used before? Then get him to drive you there and buy 2 or 3 new things. So you have something new to wear, dont feel the least bit guilty about the expense, and then choose from your own wardrobe anything that you feel good in, and some scarves or whatever . That will do for the christmas time, but you can then start the new year by thinking what things you have really missed, what compliments did you get for the new things? Have you found something that you would not have usually looked at , but it worked out well. Then the sales will be on and you have the perfect reason to get one of your best friends, whose clothes sense you admire to go with you and see what you can find. Doing this will also mean that you will have a little time apart to calm down. Once this is all over , next year, you might write up a little notebook, with information for anyone who has to do things while you are ill or away or whatever. So the obvious stuff like the second shelf in the fridge sticks and you need to pull the left hand side first, or whatever. That the toaster only works on the right hand side etc etc I am sure you have had a lot of good ideas from other GN's and the best of all is that this allows us to let of steam and calm down and be reassured by others who will tell you worse examples of a situation and the good ideas that got them through a similar time. Hope you enjoy you trip and improve in health and let us know what happens and what you did. Best wishes for christmas and a peaceful and healthy new year.

Esmay

How many times have I met women , who are ill and relying on their husbands ?

One day of your cashmere jumpers on a boil wash , burnt dinners and Duplo vacuumed up by the hoover and they are tearing their hair out .
I once found my daughter's soiled nappies on top of the fridge .

I decided to teach my adolescent son how to do everything for himself .
His best friend's mother had him to stay and asked me how I achieved it .
But I taught him too well .
His wife does absolutely nothing.
Unless he does it , but can't always as he works full time and she doesn't-
they run out dishes and clothes .
The house is filthy to the point of being unhygienic .

Tonight , I'll see one of my friends .
I've known her for 30 years and she's always furious with her husband over chores .
Much as I like her I do think that she's completely unreasonable .
I know people , who hide from her .

Here's my de- stress remedy :
I have a large glass of wine , put on some Tamla Motown and dance or just move
Failing that - I listen and enjoy the music .
Or
I lose myself in a film .

But tonight after listening to my friend complaining about her husband - my nerves will feel as though they are the strings of Strad being played by a virtuoso !

Thank you. I don't complain about him per se. It's great you "house trained" your son. But a shame about his partner.

This is one problem with OH - he was never "house trained". Believe me I've tried over the last 16 years (since we met). With endless patience and understanding and explanation, and repetition without nagging. Please can you do this/not do this - time after time. It's like banging your head against a wall. He had 50 years of ingrained bachelor habits. In fact I don't think he'd still be alive if he hadn't met me! Wearing damp clothes made him ill a few times.

It has made things difficult. For years I just did everything myself rather than have the disasters. And now I can't. I ask nicely for him to do things - I even spell out specificially what I'm asking him to do so there is no misunderstanding - but it goes in one ear and out the other! I specifically said - when the washing is finished, can you please put it in the washing basket and then speak to me.

I have to ask the same question as loopyloo

How many times have I met women , who are ill and relying on their husbands ?

One day of your cashmere jumpers on a boil wash , burnt dinners and Duplo vacuumed up by the hoover and they are tearing their hair out .
I once found my daughter's soiled nappies on top of the fridge .

I decided to teach my adolescent son how to do everything for himself .
His best friend's mother had him to stay and asked me how I achieved it .
But I taught him too well .
His wife does absolutely nothing.
Unless he does it , but can't always as he works full time and she doesn't-
they run out dishes and clothes .
The house is filthy to the point of being unhygienic .

Tonight , I'll see one of my friends .
I've known her for 30 years and she's always furious with her husband over chores .
Much as I like her I do think that she's completely unreasonable .
I know people , who hide from her .

Here's my de- stress remedy :
I have a large glass of wine , put on some Tamla Motown and dance or just move
Failing that - I listen and enjoy the music .
Or
I lose myself in a film .

But tonight after listening to my friend complaining about her husband - my nerves will feel as though they are the strings of Strad being played by a virtuoso !

It is a breathing 'pause' on semi empty lungs = less stressful than a holding breath after inhale and full lungs.

Vintagegirl

Interesting posts about breath therapy. The one I learnt for asthma is to exhale normally then pause the breath before inhale. Try and increase the seconds that you can comfortably pause. And watch what part of body it doing the breathing, should be deep down from diaphagm not upper chest.... and always nose inhale and exhale.

I found holding for 7 seconds quite difficult. I did learn one years ago which was count to 5 breathing in and count to 5 breathing out. And I must remember to keep doing that when feeling stressed. It has been a very difficult time.

I do thank him usually - but he didn't do what I specifically asked and it led to an issue with timing.

Interesting posts about breath therapy. The one I learnt for asthma is to exhale normally then pause the breath before inhale. Try and increase the seconds that you can comfortably pause. And watch what part of body it doing the breathing, should be deep down from diaphagm not upper chest.... and always nose inhale and exhale.

That's because you don't know him . I do appreciate the things he does but he has quite an attitude sometimes.

Just to make things harder, the stairlift has now packed up. But engineer coming this evening.

Can’t help feeling a bit sorry for your husband
I understand your frustration but many ladies who’ve lost their husbands ( not me I lost him in a totally different way 🤣) would love their husbands back to mess up and try to help
I hope you have a nice break with your grandson and come back refreshed

gentleshores

Just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful, kind and helpful posts. Especially @NotSpaghetti. I'm working on it and think I'm getting there. Did the deep breathing today. I got in a vicious circle as the stress caused pain and the pain was causing more stress. I did some of the deep breathing. And did have a cry as the kind messages made me cry. What also helped - after getting some of that emotion out, was telling him off and saying just stop it - no more messing - keep things simple and talk to me.

Instead of telling him off why don't you thank him.. I very much doubt whether he is deliberately messing up your laundry.. write him a clear list of what needs doing.. and be grateful that you have someone who cares.. many of us don't..

Have a nice g&t

fluttERBY123

Been there. It can help to think how would things would be if OH wasn't there at all. Lower expectations to about -7 and small things he does get right would start to look very good.

I do think about that yes. I would have to get a carer. Grandson isn't here all the time. On the other hand I'm hoping I start getting back to where I was before soon and I would also move to a more manageable place (which OH won't do).

I'm not unwell, it's just mobility. What I should do is get an indoor powered wheelchair but I don't want to get too dependant on that. It just takes a long time to build up to walking more than a few steps and even then it's very limited round the house.

And yes I'll lower my expectations - I already had, but I have a think about my clothes and the washing!

Not cancelling the trip - promised grandson - in fact it'll do me good to have a change of scene and breakfast every morning and be out and about a bit (albeit on my scooter).

I would say cancel your trip away as a starting point. Do you really need to go/want to go when you are so unwell and can hardly move? Cancel and straight away all the laundry, packing issues go away. Then tell DH that because you're staying at home he will have to go out and buy food for Christmas, send him off with a list and relax. If he gets everything on your list he'll be away quite a while. If he manages the shopping write down a timetable of what he has to do and when to make your Christmas meal and then go back to bed and leave him to it. Tell him you've made the timetable to help based on your experience but if he chooses to go his own way then it's his responsibility because you can't cope with any more stress.

Been there. It can help to think how would things would be if OH wasn't there at all. Lower expectations to about -7 and small things he does get right would start to look very good.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful, kind and helpful posts. Especially @NotSpaghetti. I'm working on it and think I'm getting there. Did the deep breathing today. I got in a vicious circle as the stress caused pain and the pain was causing more stress. I did some of the deep breathing. And did have a cry as the kind messages made me cry. What also helped - after getting some of that emotion out, was telling him off and saying just stop it - no more messing - keep things simple and talk to me.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is in hospital, Primrose53. Take care of yourself. 💐

Primrose53 I close my eyes and imagine a beach at sunset.
Traffic in the distance often sounds like waves over pebbles.

If I get stressed or anxious I allow myself to think of one thing at a time. I focus for a short while on that one problem.

Sit in a chair or on the bed and try to relax. Close your eyes.

I then imagine I am beside a gently flowing stream with lily pads on the surface. I then put my problem on a lily pad and watch it flow gently away from me.

I am also quite good at compartmentalising my brain. I can open a compartment, put my anxiety or worry in there and shut the door on it until I feel I can deal with it.

I will just add that at the moment there’s a big worry as my husband is in hospital, lots of extra driving etc so there are a lot of doors slamming shut in my brain! 🤣

None of us like to lose control and hand over the reins to someone else, even our OHs, is frustrating but you have no choice right now, recovery is your priority, and your OH is trying to help, he might get it wrong because he is stubborn and thinks he knows better, or because he just hasn’t done the task very often before, but thank goodness you have him right now and are not coping with this on your own.
Keeping calm isn’t easy but try reading/puzzles, keeping your mind busy with other things and not worrying about what your OH is doing in the kitchen etc.
Things might be muddled and a bit of a mess, but that is okay, it really isn’t a big deal, concentrate on you and getting better.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

Bonnybanko

A few minute each day for the next few days , , hold you’re breath for 7 seconds then release slowly, do this daily and increase the breath holding up to 12 seconds this is good for calming the nerves it really works - good luck ❤️

The only thing I would add to that is to raise the shoulders and hold on the in breath.

My go to is to expel the adrenaline that is pumping around your body. Adrenaline is the fuel for fight or flight ( anxiety) You have to dump this fuel
This can be done by raising the heart rate by vigorous exercise.
As you can’t walk this can still be done in the sitting position in a chair with your arms.