Help me de-stress please

It sounds to me that you are deeply frustrated because everything is so very difficult and thst some of the household tasks that are usually yours are being done inexpertly by an amateur!


You say He is mostly helpful and will fetch and carry things but doesn't listen properly - I think you will relax more when you accept that you will never change him - you won't change the irritating way he is trying to help. all you can do is change your own reaction to him! He will go on not listening - but you can let some things go. .

The truth is, in your words you are getting over a health setback - mercifully it is not forever. I have been in your shoes and I know what would normally be an irritating few moments can build up into something much bigger when you are relying on someone. It helped me to try to remember that the "not bothering me" with questions comes from a place of love.

I realise now that my husband was quite traumatised by my sudden illness and was carrying his fear, my slow recovery and his stress as well as the unfamiliar parts of everyday life.

Have you confessed to him your deep worries and your own fears? I didn't think I'd ever be "me" again - maybe you don't feel this but I found it easier once I had a weep about what I thought I'd lost.

Looking back over this post i don't think I'm being very helpful about relaxation but I do know that being truthful and allowing a few tears certainly clears the air.

Accept you can get well steadily gentleshores and little by little you will feel less resentment and more gratitude. 🙏
Does it matter if the packing has to wait a few days! After all he could have boiled your delicates or your best cardigan...

In times of stress I try to find some positives (even if tiny) and that definitely helps.
I pick a number - seven things to be happy about (say) or ten things or three before lunch.
I might be grateful for the sunshine filtering through the trees outside my window, the fact that my upstairs toilet is close to the bedroom, the nice clean bedding, a phone call, an unexpected cup of tea.
Soon it will be easier.

Thinking of you.

A few minute each day for the next few days , , hold you’re breath for 7 seconds then release slowly, do this daily and increase the breath holding up to 12 seconds this is good for calming the nerves it really works - good luck ❤️

Do you have to go away so soon when you can hardly walk?
Let's hope you are going somewhere where you will be looked after.
DHs can drive one up the wall so you gave my sympathy.
My fav prayer is Lord grant ne patience but hurry...
Reading a relaxing novel helps. Just finished Wedding in Provence by Katie Fforde.
Or watching Wolf Hall. Now he had problems!

I learned a technnique which does help me a lot.

It is three phrases: Catch it, check it, change it.

Try to focus on your reaction to things. Become aware you are getting annoyed (caught) then ask yourself if it is serious (check) then think about how to react differently (change). If it isn't serious then shift your focus elsewhere- look out of the window, have a cuppa etc, even change the subject 'oh look what just flew past the window!'
If it serious then speak out but in a way that focusses on the issue. Challenge DH. 'Why do you think putting wet clothes with dry clothes gets things dry?' Put the onus on him to explain his behaviour in a logical way.
I do this with my son who has no idea how laundry works. Sometimes he just says, 'Give me time to come up with an answer!' because I think men sometimes just don't know or even think about why they do things.
Slowly my son's behaviour changes, and so does my reaction.
I find this brings issues out without emotional baggage
getting in the way.
I wish you luck and hope you both have an enjoyable break.

That's a kind post, NotSpaghetti, and there are other helpful suggestions here.
Sometimes a list of simple instructions might help your husband, gentleshores. I know I'm one who just goes off and does my own thing when helping out, not because I'm cussed, but because it's just how my more creative mind works. Following written lists helps me stay focused.
I hope you have a good break and can relax properly.

Bonnybanko

A few minute each day for the next few days , , hold you’re breath for 7 seconds then release slowly, do this daily and increase the breath holding up to 12 seconds this is good for calming the nerves it really works - good luck ❤️

The only thing I would add to that is to raise the shoulders and hold on the in breath.

My go to is to expel the adrenaline that is pumping around your body. Adrenaline is the fuel for fight or flight ( anxiety) You have to dump this fuel
This can be done by raising the heart rate by vigorous exercise.
As you can’t walk this can still be done in the sitting position in a chair with your arms.

None of us like to lose control and hand over the reins to someone else, even our OHs, is frustrating but you have no choice right now, recovery is your priority, and your OH is trying to help, he might get it wrong because he is stubborn and thinks he knows better, or because he just hasn’t done the task very often before, but thank goodness you have him right now and are not coping with this on your own.
Keeping calm isn’t easy but try reading/puzzles, keeping your mind busy with other things and not worrying about what your OH is doing in the kitchen etc.
Things might be muddled and a bit of a mess, but that is okay, it really isn’t a big deal, concentrate on you and getting better.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

If I get stressed or anxious I allow myself to think of one thing at a time. I focus for a short while on that one problem.

Sit in a chair or on the bed and try to relax. Close your eyes.

I then imagine I am beside a gently flowing stream with lily pads on the surface. I then put my problem on a lily pad and watch it flow gently away from me.

I am also quite good at compartmentalising my brain. I can open a compartment, put my anxiety or worry in there and shut the door on it until I feel I can deal with it.

I will just add that at the moment there’s a big worry as my husband is in hospital, lots of extra driving etc so there are a lot of doors slamming shut in my brain! 🤣

Primrose53 I close my eyes and imagine a beach at sunset.
Traffic in the distance often sounds like waves over pebbles.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is in hospital, Primrose53. Take care of yourself. 💐

Just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful, kind and helpful posts. Especially @NotSpaghetti. I'm working on it and think I'm getting there. Did the deep breathing today. I got in a vicious circle as the stress caused pain and the pain was causing more stress. I did some of the deep breathing. And did have a cry as the kind messages made me cry. What also helped - after getting some of that emotion out, was telling him off and saying just stop it - no more messing - keep things simple and talk to me.

Been there. It can help to think how would things would be if OH wasn't there at all. Lower expectations to about -7 and small things he does get right would start to look very good.

I would say cancel your trip away as a starting point. Do you really need to go/want to go when you are so unwell and can hardly move? Cancel and straight away all the laundry, packing issues go away. Then tell DH that because you're staying at home he will have to go out and buy food for Christmas, send him off with a list and relax. If he gets everything on your list he'll be away quite a while. If he manages the shopping write down a timetable of what he has to do and when to make your Christmas meal and then go back to bed and leave him to it. Tell him you've made the timetable to help based on your experience but if he chooses to go his own way then it's his responsibility because you can't cope with any more stress.

fluttERBY123

Been there. It can help to think how would things would be if OH wasn't there at all. Lower expectations to about -7 and small things he does get right would start to look very good.

I do think about that yes. I would have to get a carer. Grandson isn't here all the time. On the other hand I'm hoping I start getting back to where I was before soon and I would also move to a more manageable place (which OH won't do).

I'm not unwell, it's just mobility. What I should do is get an indoor powered wheelchair but I don't want to get too dependant on that. It just takes a long time to build up to walking more than a few steps and even then it's very limited round the house.

And yes I'll lower my expectations - I already had, but I have a think about my clothes and the washing!

Not cancelling the trip - promised grandson - in fact it'll do me good to have a change of scene and breakfast every morning and be out and about a bit (albeit on my scooter).

Have a nice g&t

gentleshores

Just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful, kind and helpful posts. Especially @NotSpaghetti. I'm working on it and think I'm getting there. Did the deep breathing today. I got in a vicious circle as the stress caused pain and the pain was causing more stress. I did some of the deep breathing. And did have a cry as the kind messages made me cry. What also helped - after getting some of that emotion out, was telling him off and saying just stop it - no more messing - keep things simple and talk to me.

Instead of telling him off why don't you thank him.. I very much doubt whether he is deliberately messing up your laundry.. write him a clear list of what needs doing.. and be grateful that you have someone who cares.. many of us don't..

Can’t help feeling a bit sorry for your husband
I understand your frustration but many ladies who’ve lost their husbands ( not me I lost him in a totally different way 🤣) would love their husbands back to mess up and try to help
I hope you have a nice break with your grandson and come back refreshed

That's because you don't know him . I do appreciate the things he does but he has quite an attitude sometimes.

Just to make things harder, the stairlift has now packed up. But engineer coming this evening.

Interesting posts about breath therapy. The one I learnt for asthma is to exhale normally then pause the breath before inhale. Try and increase the seconds that you can comfortably pause. And watch what part of body it doing the breathing, should be deep down from diaphagm not upper chest.... and always nose inhale and exhale.

I do thank him usually - but he didn't do what I specifically asked and it led to an issue with timing.

Vintagegirl

Interesting posts about breath therapy. The one I learnt for asthma is to exhale normally then pause the breath before inhale. Try and increase the seconds that you can comfortably pause. And watch what part of body it doing the breathing, should be deep down from diaphagm not upper chest.... and always nose inhale and exhale.

I found holding for 7 seconds quite difficult. I did learn one years ago which was count to 5 breathing in and count to 5 breathing out. And I must remember to keep doing that when feeling stressed. It has been a very difficult time.

It is a breathing 'pause' on semi empty lungs = less stressful than a holding breath after inhale and full lungs.

How many times have I met women , who are ill and relying on their husbands ?

One day of your cashmere jumpers on a boil wash , burnt dinners and Duplo vacuumed up by the hoover and they are tearing their hair out .
I once found my daughter's soiled nappies on top of the fridge .

I decided to teach my adolescent son how to do everything for himself .
His best friend's mother had him to stay and asked me how I achieved it .
But I taught him too well .
His wife does absolutely nothing.
Unless he does it , but can't always as he works full time and she doesn't-
they run out dishes and clothes .
The house is filthy to the point of being unhygienic .

Tonight , I'll see one of my friends .
I've known her for 30 years and she's always furious with her husband over chores .
Much as I like her I do think that she's completely unreasonable .
I know people , who hide from her .

Here's my de- stress remedy :
I have a large glass of wine , put on some Tamla Motown and dance or just move
Failing that - I listen and enjoy the music .
Or
I lose myself in a film .

But tonight after listening to my friend complaining about her husband - my nerves will feel as though they are the strings of Strad being played by a virtuoso !

I have to ask the same question as loopyloo