Family Christmas dilemma

I see you mentioned military background - I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm also from a military background - and it's the kind of thing I can imagine - ripstopping fun, enthusiasm and surprises! To be fair he is enthusiastic and it sounds fun - but perhaps not in this day and age unless you're a teenager!

Sickofweddingcake

This sounds like an excellent idea for next year's John Lewis advert...I am not sure if it would work in real life: too many variables.

does he work for John Lewis ha ha? Maybe he got carried away with adverts.

Glad that is settled OP and you can now relax. Have a lovely Christmas in peace!

Common sense has prevailed! He hasn’t mentioned Wales since Saturday morning. I’ve been talking in terms of ‘ next weekend in Wales we can…. ‘ I will encourage him to phone his brother and discuss the rest of the family’s plans for the weekend. Hopefully he can then suggest that we visit for the weekend. Hotel is still available and weather atm looks to be ok. I am the eldest of eight children so have always thought of others, DH is one of two. Very self-sufficient and self- ish( ie thinks of what he wants first before thinking of others!)
Thank you for all your wise words and Happy Christmas!

This sounds like an excellent idea for next year's John Lewis advert...I am not sure if it would work in real life: too many variables.

No definitely not .
They may have invited you ,but want to know if you are coming .
They might be away .
They might have flu .
As for turning up without gifts .
Another member of the male sex who doesn't think things through !
Good luck with dissuading him .

This is so thoughtless. Christmas is a stressful time anyway without suddenly having uninvited guests to deal with. A compromise would be better. Book a hotel and then phone them to ask if it's ok to join them for Christmas dinner.

What? Does he imagine that turning up out of the blue would thrill them to bits, as if the best Christmas gift ever would be his surprise Royal Presence?

Jaysus........

Turning up as a surprise is awful for everyone except the one whose idea it was. Utterly selfish (…”I know what’s happening, tee-hee, and THEY don’t…, the kind of glee a certain type of person takes delight in.

When my ex’s stepfather was dying, my BIL decided he’d arrive unannounced from Australia, to delight his mother, and kept saying he just couldn’t wait to see her face when she opened the door.

I said, “She’s going through hell nursing her husband. Give her something to look forward to. Tell her when you’re coming, and for how long. Let her revel in planning your stay, let her enjoy telling her friends and family. Rather than giving her two weeks of happiness, give her also the six weeks or so of pleasure before you arrive, instead of keeping the thrill of your secret to yourself (and expecting us to). Her face when she opens the door to you will still be pure joy, delight and love, but the thrill of shocking her would be yours, and yours alone. Share the delight instead of keeping it to yourself, and denying her those weeks of excited anticipation”.

My ex took some persuading too, but they did agree to tell MIL instead of surprising her, and what joy it gave her.

Surprises may be delicious for those planning the surprise, but terribly selfish and unfair on those kept in the dark.

They’ll have planned food etc, you can’t just turn up on Christmas and assume they’re able to cater for and accommodate unexpected visitors. I’d be beyond livid. Plan a visit on an agreed date.

Could you go for The Bells on Hogmanay instead? Would that be an acceptable compromise? I know it impinges on your health, but it's quite a Scottish thing to do and might be more acceptable. Obviously have a hotel booked

Borrheid has it sorted, she has persuaded her husband to follow her very wise point of view having sounded out the GN community first, where her own views resonated with everyone else's.

Enjoy your Christmas in Kent Borrheid. There's always next year after liaising with extended family in Wales beforehand.

Perhaps he is just talking, not meaning to go.

Nobody clever ever self-invites.

Definitely a bad idea to just turn up at Christmas. OP does your husband have ADHD . I’m convinced my dh has and this is the sort of thing he’d do. However I normally manage to convince him that what he’s proposing isn’t a good idea .

Marydoll no I don’t regret posting. I needed somewhere to vent safely and I knew that, in the main, the GN community is very supportive. I also knew that what he was suggesting was a bad idea but he’s like a dog with a bone when he sets his mind to things. He also has a track record in changing it at the last moment. I usually go with the flow unless I am really sure . That was the problem yesterday, I had put my foot down on his idea, immediately. And yes, he reacted like a stroppy teenager! I was ‘critical parent ‘ and he was ‘rebellious child’. He was adamant it was a great idea - even suggesting at one point that WE were the Christmas present to the family! I had looked at the Premier Inn nearby and surprisingly they had rooms available so we would have had accommodation. I’m hoping that this is not all a portent of life when he retires! With all that spare time on his hands, lord knows how he will want to fill it! Allira, thank you and good thinking about the bridges! Smudgie I like your style! gentleshores see my comment Babs03 that was my thought! Woolywoman I used to run courses in Assertiveness and dealing with work colleagues is a whole lot easier than dealing with your DH.
Thank you again GNers, you’ve restored my faith in my own sanity!

stuff of nightmares. what if they have gone away? got people already stopping? decided no Christmas just a quiet one and are replete on food? its a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels not to mention putting your health wrong. do try and get him to give his head a shake

Time to trust your instincts and be assertive!

I agree with all the posters who say “no”.

It’s the height of bad manners to just turn up (especially Christmas Day), expecting to be fed, watered and given a bed for the night. Even ruder to turn up without a gift of some sort.

I know you realise all this, borrheid, but your DH obviously doesn’t, or refuses to see it’s wrong.

You’ve also said that long journeys affect you these days, so not only would the family be dealing with unexpected guests, they’d also be dealing with someone feeling unwell. Point all of this out to your DH and refuse, point blank, to go with him on his mad cap idea.

Good luck.

I don’t even visit my two sons and their wives without either an invitation or asking if it is convenient, I wouldn’t consider just turning up and they have been married for 32 years and 26 years.

And what happens when you roll up..........and find that they've gone away for Christmas???

This has got to be the daftest idea!

Even if he goes, borrheid, you don't have to go with him.

But you could always just tell him not to such a socially unaware eejit.

And, for the avoidance of doubt, I do with MrB when he deserves it. When someone is that socially inept (most probably can't help it, poor sods), I find absolute directness is invaluable.

Happy Christmas!

Sorry, it's only kindly meant.
We're on your side, Borrheid55!

Stay home, stay warm.

Borrheid my dear friend, are you regretting posting? 🤣

Allira

Oreo

YorkLady

So, you turn up unannounced with no gifts and expect a Christmas meal and a bed for the night. What could go wrong????🙄

Is the Welsh town called Bethlehem?

😁😁😁
And - in a stable all forlorn, lay Borrheid55 and her DH on a bed of straw.

hopefully with loads of blankets...

Oreo

YorkLady

So, you turn up unannounced with no gifts and expect a Christmas meal and a bed for the night. What could go wrong????🙄

Is the Welsh town called Bethlehem?

😁😁😁
And - in a stable all forlorn, lay Borrheid55 and her DH on a bed of straw.

Borrheid55

Thank you all for your comments - I laughed at some and winced at others. We have been married for almost 33 years and he can still surprise me with his way of thinking. He has little emotional intelligence, whether that’s to do with his military background I don’t know. We were out at M&S at 06.30 this morning when he came home from night shift. We discussed Christmas dinner items. He did say that going to Wales next weekend might be ok. At least then we can book ahead - both the family time and an hotel! I may well show him this thread if only to illustrate how anxious I was about it. More to follow once we have had a chat later on today!
Marydoll he doesn’t like Christmas decorations but watches Christmas movies avidly ( I don’t!). Strange! He definitely has the Scrooge mentality!

Does he mean next weekend, the 28/29th?
That could be busy too.

And, just a warning, they do keep closing one or both bridges across the Severn! Roadworks, wind, whatever. Even if just the Severn bridge is shut, it means enormous tailbacks to get over the Prince of Wales Bridge.

We were out at M&S at 06.30 this morning when he came home from night shift.
Good grief! Probably my DH would prefer to go at that time too although he seems to dislike M&S foodhall with a passion I love it 😁