Developing resilience.

Kate1949

Exactly. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

Nobody can walk in anyone elses shoes. For that you would need to be a clone of the person whose shoes you are walking in.

It strikes me as very arrogant and insensitive for anyone to think they can.

Thought provoking posta. Different outlooks as people have different lives and indeed endured difficulties emotional, mental, physical and abuse of many in childhood and adulthood all take it's toll . Maybe through it all if you can be kind and thoughtful towards others and continue then maybe that is
resilience.

love0c

The news has been absolutely heartbreaking recently, like so many other times. That poor little girl tortured and battered by her parents, the little girls stabbed in Southport, baby killed by an XL bully, the German market deaths and 100's injured are just some of them. I am not ashamed to say I have lost sleep thinking about these events. Does that mean I have no resilience?

You're not the only one.

It doesn't mean you have no resilience, I think resilience means surviving your own traumas, set backs, illnesses, but how people survive some of these dreadful events I do not know.

You do see parents who have lost children in horrific circumstances setting up charities, bonding together to make the public aware of knife crime etc and that shows true resilience.

We all admire resilience but there is no shame in feeling weak, vulnerable, or overwhelmed. Life can be brutal sometimes and not all of us have what it takes to fight against the odds.
One of my favourite charities since entertaining some dark thoughts many years ago just after having a breakdown is the Samaritans.
Fantastic charity was a real lifeline.

Maybe I was born resilient or maybe it was the joyless loveless childhood I got through. It may have set me up for life and getting through bad situations but I’d have preferred to have been loved and cared for as a child and not been resilient! But others have and do benefit from my strength and resilience so that’s a plus.

Actually I think those who have developed personal resilience are more likely to be caring and compassionate towards others because they work hard at not becoming self-focused and immersed in their own difficulties.

Resilience gives you the ability to stand back from your own circumstances and appreciate the difficulties that others are experiencing, especially where the event is one that affects others as well as yourself, such as bereavement.

Marydoll I agree with you & with Petra, to state that personal resilience somehow makes you less tolerant, less empathetic or more likely to bully someone is contrary to my experience.
Bullies very often have unresolved issues themselves that they haven't coped with & that's why they need to hurt someone else.

petra

Marydoll

And unfortunately, many of those who apparently develop resilience become rather harsh and unpleasant as a result. They tell people to 'get on with it', call them names like 'snowflake' or they to on to be unkind to people they see as not being resilient. It is often the root of bullying.

A generalisation, I certainly do not agree with.

The kindest, happiest person I know ( our best friend) would certainly disagree with your assumption, as I do.
His father deserted him when he was 16.
His first child drowned when the child was 3.
The mother of that child died when she was 38.
He met a lovely woman in later life.
They were together for 10 years and she died just before her 60th birthday.
I forgot the time their home burned down. They lived on a Dutch barge.

Petra, I was disagreeing with the statement that many people who develop resilience become harsh and unpleasant. I was quoting another poster, that is not my opinion. Quite the opposite.

I see myself as resilient, but have never called anyone a snowflake( I dislike that term) and as far as I know not intentially been harsh and unpleasant as a result.

love0c

'Life' must shape us surely. A lovely caring childhood versus the opposite. Happy family versus losing a child. Yhey must be relevant. If not it is saying well nothing really matters, nothing is relevant to anyone. We are what we are. I do not believe that.

I agree with you love0c and I think it's a shame that some are keen to push away anything that isn't about bravado and surviving. There are many ways of surviving and thanks to Freud and others, there is understanding that compassion for others and how they manage the difficulties in life is a better and kinder way to live.
Someone mentioned a parental generation being concerned with WWI, my parents were WW2 generation although with the short time between the wars, they suffered the difficulties of WWI too, I hope we are not returning to a similar world situation but things don't look good at the moment.

love0c

The news has been absolutely heartbreaking recently, like so many other times. That poor little girl tortured and battered by her parents, the little girls stabbed in Southport, baby killed by an XL bully, the German market deaths and 100's injured are just some of them. I am not ashamed to say I have lost sleep thinking about these events. Does that mean I have no resilience?

I think it depends whether it affects your ability to function or not..
resilience means being able to thrive and cope with difficulties.. it doesn't mean that that person is lacking in compassion or empathy..

Marydoll

^And unfortunately, many of those who apparently develop resilience become rather harsh and unpleasant as a result. They tell people to 'get on with it', call them names like 'snowflake' or they to on to be unkind to people they see as not being resilient. It is often the root of bullying.^

A generalisation, I certainly do not agree with.

The kindest, happiest person I know ( our best friend) would certainly disagree with your assumption, as I do.
His father deserted him when he was 16.
His first child drowned when the child was 3.
The mother of that child died when she was 38.
He met a lovely woman in later life.
They were together for 10 years and she died just before her 60th birthday.
I forgot the time their home burned down. They lived on a Dutch barge.

Thing is, I was happy when I was soldiering on. Even though I was coping with loads of stuff I would never have chosen., "being brave" you could call it. Not what you'd predict, I know.

The news has been absolutely heartbreaking recently, like so many other times. That poor little girl tortured and battered by her parents, the little girls stabbed in Southport, baby killed by an XL bully, the German market deaths and 100's injured are just some of them. I am not ashamed to say I have lost sleep thinking about these events. Does that mean I have no resilience?

I expect many of us were brought up by parents who grew up with WW1 in their backgrounds, then fought in or were affected by WW2. They ‘got on with it’ and encouraged us to do the same.
I believe society benefits from the greater acknowledgement of adversity/loss/trauma etc than our parents and grandparents lived with. I do wonder though, whether resilience is not perhaps as sought after, in the way many describe here. That - yes that’s tough but life goes on as well as we can make it approach.
The reality tv/celeb culture often seems to prefer to focus on dramas about not much, rather than how the minor celeb was cracking on with life.

If you can be happy even when dreadful things are thrown at you, is that resilience? Just living day to day and not being happy but existing, That is not having resilience is it?

I used to be very resilient.Undiagnosed disability, triple whammy disadvantage, high stress/ income jobs,unplanned pregnancy, I just kept going & I do wish I could still remember the secret.
Sometimes I feel like I have used up all my "keep smiling & carry on" resources.Although others have had harder lives I know. But mine's always felt a bit too chaotic.
At least I coped when I had to, now I have no dependents I can potentially just curl up like a hedgehog or get some medication from the doctor if something knocks me for six.

'Life' must shape us surely. A lovely caring childhood versus the opposite. Happy family versus losing a child. Yhey must be relevant. If not it is saying well nothing really matters, nothing is relevant to anyone. We are what we are. I do not believe that.

This thread reminded me of that old song by Harry Lauder (some will be too young to remember him!)
Keep Right on to the End of the Road

A very tough upbringing made me the person I am. That is get on with things get around situations and keep going. Do not let tough times get you down. Keep bad times to myself and keep going. Resilience is just my make up.

Gingster

One of the most resilient people I know is my 9 yr old Grandaughter. For the last 3 years , her mum who she loves dearly, has been in and out of hospital and been quite poorly a lot of the time .

My tiny lionhearted girl just takes everything in her stride, goes along with anything that life throws at her . She has to stay with us and never makes a fuss, just asks occassionally , will mum be home soon. She is loving, caring and so mentally strong.
I think this is a case of what Usedtobeblonde says…… you’re born with resilience.

It was your post Gingster, that reminded me.

Your lovely Granddaughter does sound very resilient and she has you to love and care for her when her Mum is not there.

Best wishes to your family.

I agree that sometimes it is down to choice. However, when very young the choices are made or you. I also wonder if you have and see a lot of sadness in childhood, does that effect stay with you. Yo may learn to hide it but it always just below the surface.

RosiesMaw2

Caleo

"I do not think it is a question of being 'happy' in face of diversity, but rather of minimising the unhappiness."

Good stuff MOnica.

Hear, hear.
You can’t always change the circumstances around you, but you can change how you react to them.

Yes.

Resilience to me is soldiering on, trying to adapt to changing, often adverse, circumstances and dealing with them in the best way you can.

I did have a happy childhood but one post reminded me that my mother was, in fact, sometimes ill when I was a child and we all coped somehow. Perhaps that did make me resilient, I don't know or it could be that it is inherent and that is why.

Some people do seem to sail through life blessed without trauma or serious illness but perhaps they have their problems too and are resilient.

My tiny lionhearted girl just takes everything in her stride, goes along with anything that life throws at her . She has to stay with us and never makes a fuss, just asks occassionally , will mum be home soon. She is loving, caring and so mentally strong

Gulp. That brought a lump to my throat Gingster.
My heartfelt best wishes going forward in the hope that you and your tiny lionhearted girl can be happier soon with some reassuring news.

If you make the right decisions you have a much better chance of being resilient, the emotional decision is not usually the right decision.

You might not know it's the wrong decision until too late. You might spend years trying to make things work, being resilient when the best thing to do is to walk away, hard though that might be.

I don’t know why there are those that given the choice of 2 decisions take the wrong one every time being a petulant child, choosing the wrong friends, neglecting school work, choosing the wrong partner. We hear all the time in this forum of families where one sibling has done well and another has struggled and in constant crisis.

If you make the right decisions you have a much better chance of being resilient, the emotional decision is not usually the right decision.