Why be lonely?

Actually I find the days from now to around 5 January the loneliest as the groups I belong to do not meet until 6 January onwards. Also I have no way of knowing whether friends are away visiting or hosting relatives over this time.
I have a To Do list of sorting and no excuse for not getting it done!

I know of nobody who would behave like that, 🙄

mael3, please say you were joking about the hostess cutting up your food, that's horrific!

I like my own company and can manage perfectly well on my own. Loneliness is not a problem, never has been.

You can be alone but not lonely.

Oh Mael13, that is just the sort of situation I dread, no one likes to be patronised. That is why I don't take up invitations from well meaning neighbours

It does tend to annoy me when someone says lonely people should just out and about. It isn't that easy. I admit to being lonely and over the years I have joined many clubs and groups but as I didn't have children found that conversations always centred around children and grandchildren. Now I am happy to admire photos and listen to the achievements of children and grandchildren but eventually I always found myself sitting on the edge of the group being ignored.

kircubbin2000

Discussion around the table today about all the people spending the day on their own and perhaps not speaking to anyone all week.
I said I am often on that position as I rarely see my neighbours .
Son in law argued that it was up to those people to go out and get involved or invite someone in. He couldn't see why someone would not do that or want strangers in their house.

I'm not alone as DH is still alive BUT still lonely at times
I moved to a different area when we met (2 hour drive from where I used to live). My AC and GC are a plane ride away
Before moving here I had so many friends, some days I'm ashamed to say I would lock front door and pretend I wasn't home to get some "me time". When my first husband died I had so much from the villagers, even though I'd only lived there 4 years
I've now lived here coming up 10 years and have no friends at all. Neighbours speak if we pass in the street and helped when she'd roof blew off in recent storm.
My husband's family are very religious and don't drink and find it odd I'm not a church goer and I like a glass of wine with a meal.
I joined groups when I moved here and met few ladies for coffee after groups but it never really went further.
Most are busy with family and friends they have had since school days.
I've accepted it now, more than happy with my own company, my little dog, books, music, gardening, work part time, keep in touch with old friends and visit occasionally
I do think people have changed since covid, sadly

mae13

Some years ago I was invited/press-ganged by a newish neighbour to attend their New Years Day lunch, "because all your relatives are dead, love."

What was I thinking? They talked extra loud and slowly, talked round me ie: "d'you think she wants a little more wine ?" and the grand finalè was when the hostess lunged across and began cutting up my food! I think I just about avoided being spoon-fed.

Nope, being alone is far, far preferable to risking that kind of Social Experiment!!!

I hope they had put an incontinence pad on your chair and asked if your carer wanted to come! How awful but it did make me laugh.

Going into the winter of your life does naturally involve detachment as we become more introspective. Outsiders could call it loneliness but the wise do not see it like that. It is a natural withdrawal from busy society as we near our own end. Contentment will descend if we let it

BlueBelle

Do you know Nana8 retirement villages would be my worst nightmare the idea of living with all old people (not me of course) sends shivers down my spine

They are pretty flashy round here. You have your own house and garden, all mod cons and a big shared restaurant and meeting facility which has hairdressers, a gymnasium, doctor surgery, swimming pool and there are bowling greens too. They don’t do things by halves! They don’t charge by halves,either. Typically now around a million to buy into then $1,000 plus monthly maintenance fee. I wouldn’t like it, either because you are with a couple of hundred people who you may or may not get on with and you leave your own children with a very reduced amount of money.

I dont think you can lump people into a set category, so either lonely or gregarious. Our lives are much more nuanced, than that, and I am not surprised that it is a man who thinks it is. So , personally this year I have spent christmas day at home on my own. If you have followed my posts you will see that I have had to be out of my home while the total bathroom had to come out and I had no set time for it to be sorted.. I managed to get home last friday, but absolutely nothing done for christmas at all. No food, decorations, plans, or anything. I have been very happy to be able to sit in my own chair and have coffee and listen to radio 3. I got the basics in, and have spent christmas day , doing washing , throwing stuff out, going through all sorts of paperwork and watching some tv. I have enjoyed watching a couple of films that my husband and I used to watch at christmas, Casablanca, and then watched Call the Midwife, some ballet and have been able to have radio 3 on for much of the time. Another year I would have thought that a totally boring way to spend the time. I am usually singing and then have people here, and go to visit other people. Enjoy meeting old friends and catching up and have often taken people in my car to go somewhere , where there is no bus service or no service because it is christmas. So I can be either or both people in one day. My nightmare would be being stuck in a room, with loud music and people talking about things I have no interestin such as soap operas. Each to their own, but illness or shyness can have a big affect. One of my anxieties is that I have forgotten a present or card or whatever, so actually given this situation, I am not worrying about that , as everyone will understand why, and I plan to send New Year letters to let people know what has happened.Circumstances can alter how you feel and totally change your behavior.

I found Christmas day a nightmare as I am deaf and the children shouting and talking non stop meant I couldn't hear the adults. Also they have an accent I can't understand so I ended up just keeping quiet. Today was better in a different house as older boys looked after the kids.I still couldn't chat to SIL as he kept being distracted by the boys and thank goodness he's taking them qll out tomorrow!

RosiesMaw2

I need to read the whole thread but my immediate response is to ask what makes anybody think lonely people have a choice in the matter?
I’m afraid OP’s SIL woukd get short shrift from me.
Why be lonely?
I could give him a list of causes and reasons- and ask “How long have you got?”
A little sympathy and understanding might help.

tbh I know this is sexist but I think it is because he is a man

I think it depends where you live. Our town had plenty of events on yesterday and over the festive period where single people could go if they wanted a meal or someone to talk to. I live in a very mixed area though which is generally very accepting of everyone, I don't think there is stigma which might exist in other areas to the same degree

I’ve got a very quiet voice. If there’s a group of people and I start saying something it isn’t long before someone talks over me. It’s very rude. I could find lots to say but end up just listening to other people. Therefore I find a large group very difficult.

droopydraws

I spent Christmas alone by choice. The neighbours are away and no traffic on the road - bliss.

When I woke up yesterday I thought how lucky I am not having to peel spuds, clean the house and feel responsible for keeping people entertained.

And you won't have the unwelcome responsibility of being the referee in possible family grudges which have been bubbling under all year and suddenly come to the surface at Christmas!

Being expected to pour oil on troubled waters can be draining in every way.

I need to read the whole thread but my immediate response is to ask what makes anybody think lonely people have a choice in the matter?
I’m afraid OP’s SIL woukd get short shrift from me.
Why be lonely?
I could give him a list of causes and reasons- and ask “How long have you got?”
A little sympathy and understanding might help.

I look back on the days when I made and kept friends very easily. It seems so much harder now. You really have to be pretty tough to go to and stick it at groups. I feel something has changed somehow, the kindness. An activity is perhaps best as that in itself is valuable.

Loopyloo, can your husband manage to watch tv with subtitles? I struggle as I’m also partially sighted, but I have headphones that connect, wirelessly, to the tv and enable me to enjoy most programmes without having to turn the volume up ridiculously high.

Bluebell don’t beat yourself up. We do our best with our understanding at the time and that’s all we can do.

Teabag woman. I so sympathise.
My DH is quite deaf and one of his aids has stopped working.
Finding some entertainment for him over Christmas was difficult.
And he couldn't catch a lot of what the family were saying when they visited on Christmas Eve.

Do you know Nana8 retirement villages would be my worst nightmare the idea of living with all old people (not me of course) sends shivers down my spine

If you are not too steady on your feet and it is difficult moving around I imagine it would be easy to become isolated and lonely. The Probus clubs here are really good because you can meet people, get a lift if needed and you don’t have the obligation to host because they meet at different venues. Also the relatively new retirement villages have a lot of social events - but they cost a lot and you have to pay ongoing maintenance fees which would rule out many.

I spent Christmas alone by choice. The neighbours are away and no traffic on the road - bliss.

When I woke up yesterday I thought how lucky I am not having to peel spuds, clean the house and feel responsible for keeping people entertained.