Why be lonely?

You can’t just ‘invite’ strangers into your house. Having said that I don’t think there’s any need to be lonely. I was once stopped by an elderly man in a supermarket, who just asked me where I was from and other useless information about myself. I guessed he was lonely and I took time to have a chat with him, but I certainly would not have invited him to my house.

I think there are many forms of loneliness and not seeing anyone is just one type. If a person is able bodied and able minded and socially confident they can go out and find places where they can talk to people. But not everybody is capable. Still, sometimes it takes first hand experience to understand that and I guess your Son in law hasn’t experienced it first hand.

It's very hard for many to just socialise these days unless they're in a friendly area with friendly groups.

Some people are shy, socially awkward or have been let down. I couldn't ask my neighbours around due to being in an unfriendly rundown area with high substance abuse and anti-social problems. My colleagues are pleasant without issues but are in work to work. Relatives never wanted me. I joined clubs or groups that didn't want friends or weren't welcoming to newcomers.

It's hard to be motivated after so many disappointments.

You can be alone, and not feel lonely - and actually feel lonely when you're not alone.

Your SIL has reduced it to a simple equation and, as you probably understand yourself - it's a bit more complex.

As Ali23 above points out, there are different forms of loneliness.

I guess your SIL thought he was being helpful with his advice to 'get-out-there-and-meet-people'? But it's easier said than done.

The only time I have ever felt lonely was in a room - no, a house full of people at a charity coffee morning. I wasn't part of the 'circle' and didn't know any one of those who all appeared to know each other. I wandered around with a smile on my face, coffee in hand, clearly alone - but no-one spoke to me, and I didn't want to row myself into any of the little cliques of people milling around who seemed to be earnestly in conversation with each other, so I thanked the host for the invite and left.

If only it were as easy as your SIL appears to think it is!

I hope you enjoyed the day with your family nevertheless.

Ah Dickens havent we all been in that situation! I think a good host would have introduced to people. What to do? Ask the host to introduce you, introduce yourself to people or a sharp exit as you did.

I agree with your son-in-law. There is plenty going on, it's up to people to get out and get involved.
I'm alone and spent Christmas alone. It was my choice. If I had wanted company, there was a Christmas dinner organised at the community centre, or the Salvation Army had something similar. I'm not a social person and prefer my own company.

It’s hard isn’t it I think you just have to get on with getting on in whichever way you can
You do get used to being alone and it can then be uncomfortable to be in company I m a bit of both really I often think I ve been lonely all my life and that’s perhaps my natural but I can be very sociable and most of my friends would not describe me as a quiet retiring person!! but that is the real me and I can resort to it very easily

I think in some instances your son in law is right people do have to make their own way and make their own friends and try and mix but for some it’s very hard or almost impossible for other it’s just more comfortable being alone

No easy answers like life in general it’s complex

Some years ago I was invited/press-ganged by a newish neighbour to attend their New Years Day lunch, "because all your relatives are dead, love."

What was I thinking? They talked extra loud and slowly, talked round me ie: "d'you think she wants a little more wine ?" and the grand finalè was when the hostess lunged across and began cutting up my food! I think I just about avoided being spoon-fed.

Nope, being alone is far, far preferable to risking that kind of Social Experiment!!!

And spare a thought for those of us with poor hearing. I daren’t start a conversation as I may not be able to hear the reply! Group situations are the worst as it’s impossible to pick out one voice. Sitting listening to lots of other people enjoying a chat is very lonely.

teabagwoman that really hit home, my mum was deaf and I don’t think I appreciated at all how hard it was for her in some situations and I beat myself up now because I should have done better and I can’t now I did do a lot for her but I know I wasnt thoughtful enough about her deafness

I spent Christmas alone by choice. The neighbours are away and no traffic on the road - bliss.

When I woke up yesterday I thought how lucky I am not having to peel spuds, clean the house and feel responsible for keeping people entertained.

If you are not too steady on your feet and it is difficult moving around I imagine it would be easy to become isolated and lonely. The Probus clubs here are really good because you can meet people, get a lift if needed and you don’t have the obligation to host because they meet at different venues. Also the relatively new retirement villages have a lot of social events - but they cost a lot and you have to pay ongoing maintenance fees which would rule out many.

Do you know Nana8 retirement villages would be my worst nightmare the idea of living with all old people (not me of course) sends shivers down my spine

Teabag woman. I so sympathise.
My DH is quite deaf and one of his aids has stopped working.
Finding some entertainment for him over Christmas was difficult.
And he couldn't catch a lot of what the family were saying when they visited on Christmas Eve.

Bluebell don’t beat yourself up. We do our best with our understanding at the time and that’s all we can do.

Loopyloo, can your husband manage to watch tv with subtitles? I struggle as I’m also partially sighted, but I have headphones that connect, wirelessly, to the tv and enable me to enjoy most programmes without having to turn the volume up ridiculously high.

I look back on the days when I made and kept friends very easily. It seems so much harder now. You really have to be pretty tough to go to and stick it at groups. I feel something has changed somehow, the kindness. An activity is perhaps best as that in itself is valuable.

I need to read the whole thread but my immediate response is to ask what makes anybody think lonely people have a choice in the matter?
I’m afraid OP’s SIL woukd get short shrift from me.
Why be lonely?
I could give him a list of causes and reasons- and ask “How long have you got?”
A little sympathy and understanding might help.

droopydraws

I spent Christmas alone by choice. The neighbours are away and no traffic on the road - bliss.

When I woke up yesterday I thought how lucky I am not having to peel spuds, clean the house and feel responsible for keeping people entertained.

And you won't have the unwelcome responsibility of being the referee in possible family grudges which have been bubbling under all year and suddenly come to the surface at Christmas!

Being expected to pour oil on troubled waters can be draining in every way.

I’ve got a very quiet voice. If there’s a group of people and I start saying something it isn’t long before someone talks over me. It’s very rude. I could find lots to say but end up just listening to other people. Therefore I find a large group very difficult.

I think it depends where you live. Our town had plenty of events on yesterday and over the festive period where single people could go if they wanted a meal or someone to talk to. I live in a very mixed area though which is generally very accepting of everyone, I don't think there is stigma which might exist in other areas to the same degree

RosiesMaw2

I need to read the whole thread but my immediate response is to ask what makes anybody think lonely people have a choice in the matter?
I’m afraid OP’s SIL woukd get short shrift from me.
Why be lonely?
I could give him a list of causes and reasons- and ask “How long have you got?”
A little sympathy and understanding might help.

tbh I know this is sexist but I think it is because he is a man

I found Christmas day a nightmare as I am deaf and the children shouting and talking non stop meant I couldn't hear the adults. Also they have an accent I can't understand so I ended up just keeping quiet. Today was better in a different house as older boys looked after the kids.I still couldn't chat to SIL as he kept being distracted by the boys and thank goodness he's taking them qll out tomorrow!

I dont think you can lump people into a set category, so either lonely or gregarious. Our lives are much more nuanced, than that, and I am not surprised that it is a man who thinks it is. So , personally this year I have spent christmas day at home on my own. If you have followed my posts you will see that I have had to be out of my home while the total bathroom had to come out and I had no set time for it to be sorted.. I managed to get home last friday, but absolutely nothing done for christmas at all. No food, decorations, plans, or anything. I have been very happy to be able to sit in my own chair and have coffee and listen to radio 3. I got the basics in, and have spent christmas day , doing washing , throwing stuff out, going through all sorts of paperwork and watching some tv. I have enjoyed watching a couple of films that my husband and I used to watch at christmas, Casablanca, and then watched Call the Midwife, some ballet and have been able to have radio 3 on for much of the time. Another year I would have thought that a totally boring way to spend the time. I am usually singing and then have people here, and go to visit other people. Enjoy meeting old friends and catching up and have often taken people in my car to go somewhere , where there is no bus service or no service because it is christmas. So I can be either or both people in one day. My nightmare would be being stuck in a room, with loud music and people talking about things I have no interestin such as soap operas. Each to their own, but illness or shyness can have a big affect. One of my anxieties is that I have forgotten a present or card or whatever, so actually given this situation, I am not worrying about that , as everyone will understand why, and I plan to send New Year letters to let people know what has happened.Circumstances can alter how you feel and totally change your behavior.