The single ladies/women.

Perhaps if the friendship has good things going for it too you could just say you didn't wish to be involved in conversations about her DH because it makes you feel awkward.

Is the problem that she can just pop round?

I’m such a dull person that most of my friends are drama queens 😬 and I quite enjoy that. but reading your post made me realise that none of them are close physically. So it’s lunch or a phone call with all the drama and then back to my ordinary life.

I guess if you’re at home most of the time, you’re a bit of a sitting duck for people like her😱 Just the thought of you doing a face to face, telling it her how it is, is making me squirm. Know I’d just go on putting up with it💐

I don't think she realises what she's doing, quite honestly.

I feel as if her man and I are enemies, somehow, and he's done nothing to me.

I'm quite sure his dislikes me.

perhaps you could ask her what her motivation is? It sounds manipulative to me..

When I was at a low ebb (just moved to a new area, knew no-one, hated the move) someone took me over.
It took a long while before we, as a family, managed to try to distance ourselves from them.
When they were once politely asked to leave because it was so late and we were all so tired, they flounced and never spoke to us again.

RosiesMaw2

You may need a friend but you don’t need this one.
You describe her as “newish” and I wonder how you met her. Did she befriend you when you were at a low point or perhaps out of a sense of pity? It seems that she has adopted you as some sort of emotional crutch, somebody to make her feel good.
“Very kind in some ways” is not good enough.Lose her, cool the relationship down and find something to do to make you “unavailable” - she is a user.

Yes, she did befriend me when I was at a low point, and I still am, I suppose.
Perhaps that was part of what I thought drew us together?

That she, too, was stuck in an unhappy set up, was what I thought.

Let us know when she's there next and we'll send a posse of Gransnetters round.

Oh no, MissAdventure, your new friend sounds hard work - the kind you could do without. It does sound as if she is using you as an excuse to avoid doing things with her DH, and this might come back to bite you. I think you know in your heart that this friendship is somewhat fraught with difficulties and as others have said, a withdrawal is the way forward for you I believe.

Thank you all, for being understanding.
I really don't like conflict, so I am going to man up or ship out.

PS. I am very much alone too. I would like a true friend. So I appreciate your position.

But believe me a 'friendship' with someone which is one sided, selfish and confusing can play havoc with your peace of mind and mental health. It's not worth it.

Hence I can now walk away from a potentially toxic situation, whereas I used to try and people please. No more.

The point being, that she will no doubt end up going on holiday with him, anyway!!

It'll be casually dropped into the conversation.

Telling her partner it is you that wants a few days holiday a caravan!!!!?? NO NO NO this is not acceptable.
Find a new friend - good luck.

I don't do the whole 'friends' thing. I have ladies who I meet up with occasionally. It's always at their instigation, not mine. None of them is alone or lonely. I realise I'm lucky to have family around me, not everyone does.

There was only one who I felt was using me (sadly she has died). She was a work colleague, married to one of the bosses. They lived the high life, mixing with other bosses and their partners.

Her husband died and all the friends dropped her. I felt sorry for her at his funeral and said if she fancied a meet up, to give me a call. We met on a few occasions. One one meet up she said to me 'I am going out with people now I would never have gone out with when J was alive, no offence. Bizarrely, I still met her. I tend to feel sorry for people and then do things that make me uncomfortable.

You have probably just got to speak up "I really do enjoy your company and love xyz about you but I really hate abc and ^being the excuse you use to your husband when you really need to talk to him to get a proper resolution^"

If she's worth keeping she will appreciate your (gentle) honesty.

She's not up to anything untoward, it was an argument she had with him about going on holiday (she doesn't want to go with him)

He commented that who would want to go with her, and up popped my name!

Years ago a co worker briefly befriended me and told her husband [without telling me until afterwards!] that she was meeting me when she'd arranged to meet up with a man at work [they were having an affair]. It was a short friendship as I walked away.

Recently someone I met someone I hadn't seen for years and had started to pop in to keep her company now and then. She was irritated by an old friend and told me she was going to tell him that I was visiting so it would put him off visiting each time he phoned. I asked her not to, as of course I didn't want to get involved. I had nothing against the man. I don't see this person now [other reasons too].

So in my experience your 'friend' has her own agenda and it involves using you to play one person against the other for her own gains. It sets up the other person to resent you and feel angry with you. She wants an ally and support, so it seems all about her and her needs, full stop. You are convenient for her.

This isn't genuine friendship in my book. I think you should back away and not get involved in any way.

You may need a friend but you don’t need this one.
You describe her as “newish” and I wonder how you met her. Did she befriend you when you were at a low point or perhaps out of a sense of pity? It seems that she has adopted you as some sort of emotional crutch, somebody to make her feel good.
“Very kind in some ways” is not good enough.Lose her, cool the relationship down and find something to do to make you “unavailable” - she is a user.

For example, she has informed him that I'm keen to go on holiday, just with her - for a few days in a caravan

🤔 What is she up to?

It all sounds a bit selfish and childish to me I would spend less time with this newish friend. She needs to get the message you are not totally reliant on her and you don’t want the involvement in her relationship.

I was going to say how I'm usually very good at creating boundaries, then I thought of the upstairs neighbour.
35 years worth of angst.

I think it's a "me" problem.

She's using you.
emotional vampire great term Indigo8.

I have heard of drains and radiators. She wants your friendship because you are a radiator but she's a drain and leaving you emotionally exhausted.

I know it's not the same, but you have us 🤗

She sounds high maintenance MissA. I find such people who thrive on drama very draining. She won’t change so you have to.

I’d quietly withdraw.

Or you could do it by telling her straight - that her dramas are impacting on your own well being so she either calms it all down or stops calling round. Up to her.

Good luck!

I'm all in a quandary about it all, to be honest.

When we met, I thought she seemed like me; a sensible sort, and she is very kind in some ways.

I suppose I don't need a friend at all, but it's rather lonely without anyone.

Read the book 'The Joy of Being Selfish' by Michelle Elman about creating boundaries. I think you would find it helpful. Best wishes.

This is yet another example of what my DD calls an 'emotional vampire' or what I would call a 'user'. Quite how she fits your description of 'lovely' is hard to see from your description of the way she behaves.

Do you really need her friendship?