Is it me? Beginning to think it must be 🤔

My mother had a saying you shouldn’t go back which I’ve always followed. My husband on the other hand was always delighted to contact old friends he hadn’t see for years. It nearly aways turned out to be a disappointment. After many years you are strangers. The exception I made was when I held a surprise retirement party for him and invited some young men he had been an apprentice with. It was a disaster. One man who had been such a fun person sat in the corner and continually listed all his ailments and illnesses. Another moaned all the time about his children. There were all these old men moaning. One kept in touch and I received a letter from him at Christmas but it was all about the medical mishaps he and his partner had had during the last year and despite my dear husband dying I was lucky as I saw our children as he didn’t see his. He did say I was lucky as I had had a happy marriage which was true but his marriage had been a disaster. I look forward to hearing from him next year. Again as my mother would say “if I’m spared”.

I sometimes cull my Christmas card list if I don’t hear from them, but blow me, some of them send a card and I have to reinstate them!

Unfortunately I’ve found in life that friendships have a sell by date and sometimes we never find out why they fizzle out.
I’m sad that I can’t meet my dear friend for one last hug but she lives at the other end of the country and because of health problems I am unable to travel.
I’ve got excited at the thought of meeting when she’s holidayed within 50 miles of where I live but she has always made a lame excuse about meeting up.
This causes me sadness but is something I can’t control so when I think of her I remember her with much love and then let her go.

Marmight,
It is hard to maintain friendships especially when there is geographical distance.
I'd be inclined to give it one more go, but this time maybe say you are going to be in the area on whatever dates and say that you would love to meet up and suggest they contact you. Then sit back and wait (without expectation!)..............
At least then you will be satisfied you have tried.

I always try to see folk if I can. My DH asked me why friends always come here for food/games night/catch ups? The answer is simple: if I didn't initiate it, it wouldn't happen. As to why it wouldn't happen, I'm not too sure. I think people perceive themselves as too busy. But then they hear about how many hours I work and look after GC and say they don't know how I fit it all in. Bit of a mystery, I guess.

I think occasionally it can happen that people we like to regard as friends are not ‘quite’ the match we thought. In that they mean more to us than we do to them, sadly.

Leave it. You never know, you might run into one of them at the shops, or in church, or in the street.

I've just had a friend from 57 years ago get in touch.Shes coming to stay for a few days. First time I've seen her since my DH died 4 years ago We live quite a distance from each other. Family are bringing her . I'm a bit apprehensive but sure it will be fine. I've got 2 or 3 good friends that I see weekly. Feel we have more in common with local friends than friends from the past. It will be good having someone to stay.

Interesting post Marmight. I know exactly what you mean, but unlike you, even if I really miss people from work and friends who have moved, I do nothing to keep in touch. Two very good young (work) friends, half my age who live either end of the country always plan an outing with me when they come to town to see family and I love that. Yet still I do nothing to keep in touch. I do send birthday and Christmas cards and that’s about it. I’d rather fall in the other camp and be proactive, but not enough to change it seems.

I love that poem Rula, thank you for sharing. Do you know who wrote it? I’ll keep that to read again.

RosieandherMaw

Yes to all the above.
I used to think it was because of external circumstances-DH’s failing health or work or “granny” commitments but I also wonder if it’s me.
I always used to say to our daughters “To have good friends, you must BE a good friend” and somehow they have retained friendships going back over 30 years.
I haven’t, despite trying to be a good friend and I envy them. I think I perhaps haven’t worked hard enough at it, have taken a declined invitation for rejection and retreated to my shell with my uncritical dog.
I suspect you have to work at friendship, like tending a fire so that it does not go out but as a final bit of self-pity, it always seems to be me who makes the suggestions, extends the invite .
Gives self a shake.
Ah well. OP I share your pain.

I agree with all of this. I just haven’t worked hard enough …

A year or two ago I looked at my Christmas Card list and noticed the ones I had had no contact with for years, apart from exchanging cards and the odd 'we must meet up'. I asked myself was it worth the cost and effort each year and decided I didn't need any of them so just crossed them
off. Happy to concentrate now on the genuine friends and family instead.

With 2 DD , 5 GC, 8 GG. In the last 2 weeks I have only had 2 emails from GD in Oz. I only know what some of them are doing by looking on FB. Friends and other relatives are a long way away. I definitely feel surplus to requirements.

Elowen33

In the past when I have realised that I was the one initiating contact with others I have stopped to see if they contact me. if they do not I accept the friendship is over.

I have done exactly the same, as I wanted to see if friends did want to keep up contact. I have accepted that some friendships are over but have made some new friends through playing bridge and bowls. That does seem to happen through life although I do have one lovely friend from schooldays.

I had a couple of wake-up calls a few years ago when a couple of friends died in early 60's. One of them I hadn't seen since my wedding. The other I'd got back in touch with after a gap when we met again at a mutual friend's wedding and seen a few times but then not kept up. I realised I needed to make more effort to see people if I was visiting nearby. Old friends are spread around the country and it does take effort. This last year I received fewer cards and I think some people are cutting back because of the cost, which is sad.

I have a few Christmas card friends. A couple of them who were old school friends always sent a newsy letter in with the card and I wrote one to them. One of them we still do this, but the other one lost her DH a few years ago and the letters stopped.

escaped

I find it's always a bit difficult when I am the visitor to an area where old friends are carrying on with their daily lives. I'm excited to reconnect with them, but I'm a bit of a stranger in their midst. I find it easier if we meet on neutral territory somewhere.
Strangely, despite the distance, my best forever friends are those I met in France as a teenager. We now see each other regularly and have so much fun and laughter, mainly centered around good food and complaining about all our politicians!

We are the other way round, moved 200 miles and live in a seaside town. Occasionally old friends are down on holiday and want to meet up and do stuff but we've been here 30 years and this is normal life for us not a holiday. There is also cost, do we want a £100 day out to somewhere we've been lots of times. Now we might meet them for a meal or maybe have a quick meet up at the beach and an ice-cream. Neutral territory is good.

Marmight - a re-think of your Christmas Card List might be in order, especially as the business of sending such cards is now very expensive given the price of the stamp. If I had made the effort to physically re-connect as you have, only to find that people are too busy (not intended in any disapproving sense) to meet I would think about where you stand in their thoughts. An old friend who is busy and can't respond to your overtures, could suggest another time or get back to you with an idea for a zoom catch up. If nothing like that is forthcoming, then is that person really a 'friend'? I stopped sending physical cards years ago in favour of virtual ones through jaquielawson - not sure whether I can say this or whether it's inappropriate advertising. But having paid a subscription for two years this gives the opportunity to send an infinite number of cards and notelets all the year round to your family and friends anywhere in the world which the company delivers electronically either by email or facebook or whats app. For me it works, I can see if people are opening them and if not I eventually stop the effort.

In the past when I have realised that I was the one initiating contact with others I have stopped to see if they contact me. if they do not I accept the friendship is over.

I was moving to a different part of the country and I suggested meeting up before we left. Both friends said no. I still email one regularly . The other ignored my emails for nearly 18 months and then suddenly wrote. she said she had moved but did not give me her new address. I just sent a Xmas card via email but otherwise I've not sent a proper email as I'm too hurt.
I was so open to meeting up with both friends but I have to acknowledge the fact I will never see either of them again

Hi Marmight. I have the same issue. It's always me who makes the effort. My Christmas card list is getting shorter now. Last Christmas I decided to send out my cards on the last day of posting. I did receive several before this date so I put their cards in the next post. I had several after Christmas in response to my cards. Those people have been crossed off my list.
It's hard to do, as you always think of those people as friends.
I do pick up the phone occasionally and have a lovely chat, but it is always me making the effort.
We travel the UK quite a lot so I let folk know we will be in their area. Very few put themselves out to meet up.
It is a sad reflection on society nowadays; can't be bothered, why put one's self out.
That said, we had a lovely surprise on Friday. A friend messaged to ask if they could visit. We had a busy day ahead so what did we do? We said we would love to see them and put off all our other arrangements. We had a few hours quality time with our little visitor as honorary grandparents. Why would we not put ourselves out?
Our door is always open, we will put our plans on hold.

I agree that some friends you keep and some you lose and keeping takes effort.

Some one once told me that being your own best friend is the most important thing.

I received a card at Christmas from someone I haven't seen for a few years. I rang her to say thankyou and how kind to think of me but she explained that I was on 'the list' and so she just sends them out as a routine. We did make plans to meet but it didn't happen. I really hope I dont hear from her again as I don't just want to be someone on a 'list.' I won't be sending any more cards.

I have a busy family life but I do worry that contact with friends just isn't the same since we retired- and I am the one who seems to do all the work. I don't want to end up friendless though- so it is a sad realisation we have to come to...

I think you can let your friend know your visiting your family in the area just in genenral chat and see if she suggests a meet up from that . If not I'd just leave it . Friends do change as we get older . Dont get me wrong - I'm all for putting the effort in to keep friends . But sometimes ,as others have said so eloquently, its time to let them step off your train .

Christmas cards have become an unreliable barometer for the state of friendship. So many people have stopped sending physical cards for reasons such as the cost of the cards and the now very expensive postage. House moves can upset things as well. If you have a friend or two you really want to connect with, why not send a just thinking of you card with your email address and say you would love to catch up with a newsy email sometime. If they respond, well and good, if they don't then you know they don't want to.

Join Facebook and contact them through that media. There are probably times in the year when your friends and acquaintances would have the time to contact you, but those times are getting rarer.

There is also the problem of 'same old same old'. Our weather is no longer the discussion point because we know in advance what it will be, but now it is the depressing cost of living, and we would rather have something interesting and loving to discuss. Will it ever happen?

A friend of mine said you had to work at friendships - she did, and had tons of them. She and her DH were superb hosts so lots of dinner parties and people staying over. We (me and DH) lived untidily (his doing!) and he was/is a quiet man) so although we did meet up with certain friends, not as often as we should have. Then children came along and what with us both working as well we had no time for older friends. Most of our friends were parent of our kids' schoolfriends. Obviously that relationship dwindled away bit by bit too.

Now in our dotage we have few "friends". We are active in three local organisations and that helps keep us sane, but we haven't really made friends as such. We do get occasional invites to weddings and there are sadly funerals, but little regular contact. Some ex-Uni friends of DH I have never met but we still exchange Christmas cards.

I wish I had been better at keeping in touch, I just didn't have (or find) the time. I regret it now, of course. I have spent a lot of time personally helping others with various problems (a few people have said they know they can rely on me) but I don't feel there is anyone to reciprocate.

I dread becoming housebound as I know we will not see anyone at all apart from occasional visits from family. But right now they are all too busy with teenage kids and one DD is 200 miles away.

If only .......