Is it me? Beginning to think it must be 🤔

I know what you mean.

I have a friend who moved to the other end of the country when she married, always exchanged chatty Christmas cards and letters, and met up once years ago when we were there on holiday. It was as if we had never been apart.

However, the last few years the letters from her dropped off to just a few scribbled lines in with the card, I still sent her newsy letters. After a few times, I thought ‘Blow it’ and just sent a card. Then she said they were moving in with a daughter while they had a new house built, no new address. So no card sent from me.

I had an e Mail from her this last Christmas, quite chatty, they had moved, no address given. I sent her one back, but realise time has moved on.

Perhaps it’s the same for the OP.

Should add, this friend didn’t have her two children until she had been married quite a few years, her DD’s were married and had GC much later than mine, and I suspect her life is now very involved with GC etc, whereas mine are pretty well grown up, and we are not so involved with the young families as she probably is.

I think we lose touch with people for a reason. Over the years all we remember are the good times with friends we had things in common with. The cooling relationship isn't necessarily a falling-out, nor are we turning our backs on one another - it's more a kind of fading-away. Their lives change, our lives change and we aren't the same people any more. I think when we look back at those great times, we fall prey to unrealistic nostalgia. I prefer to think of my "mislaid" friends as part of the huge patchwork quilt of experience. (Oooh, purple prose at 8 o'clock in the morning - I'm usually still asleep at this time....)

No it's not you. Friends come in and out of our lives, very few are forever friends.

We move (geographically), our personal circumstances change, we fall out or we just don't have anything in common any more.

We probably all have one or two friends who we regret losing somewhere along the way, but that's the way life moves along.

Yes to all the above.
I used to think it was because of external circumstances-DH’s failing health or work or “granny” commitments but I also wonder if it’s me.
I always used to say to our daughters “To have good friends, you must BE a good friend” and somehow they have retained friendships going back over 30 years.
I haven’t, despite trying to be a good friend and I envy them. I think I perhaps haven’t worked hard enough at it, have taken a declined invitation for rejection and retreated to my shell with my uncritical dog.
I suspect you have to work at friendship, like tending a fire so that it does not go out but as a final bit of self-pity, it always seems to be me who makes the suggestions, extends the invite .
Gives self a shake.
Ah well. OP I share your pain.

Marmight, in your situation I think I would enjoy the time with your family and not bother contacting the friends. I think you have previously made the effort. I had a good friend who moved a long way away and I found that it was always me phoning or emailing her. After a few years I decided to leave it and see if she contacted me but all I got was a letter in her Christmas card with all her news and saying she’ll contact me soon. This continued for a few years until I decided not to bother. I haven’t heard from her since. Sadly some friendships eventually fizzle out. Let’s cherish our families.

I find it's always a bit difficult when I am the visitor to an area where old friends are carrying on with their daily lives. I'm excited to reconnect with them, but I'm a bit of a stranger in their midst. I find it easier if we meet on neutral territory somewhere.
Strangely, despite the distance, my best forever friends are those I met in France as a teenager. We now see each other regularly and have so much fun and laughter, mainly centered around good food and complaining about all our politicians!

This time, Marmight, maybe being there with your family, you won't feel so rejected if your friends are unavailable. And if you do get to see them, that's an added bonus.

A bit different, but another friend and former work colleague who only lives a few miles away.

Every Christmas card, we say “Must meet up. Let’s get Christmas and New Year out the way…..”



Why do we never do it? I like her very much, but sometimes it just seems like too much bother to arrange it….

Note to self, really must meet up this year.

Yes to your last sentence Marmight.

I ditched someone like this. Not really looked back, except for being wistful occasionally.

I also did a Christmas card cull myself a few years ago,
Was a bit hasty perhaps.

But two people carried on sending me cards, regardless.
So I reinstated them!

Life moves on ... I guess we just have to accept that.

I noticed this year that several Christmas card friends didn’t send one. A couple of them have usually sent long newsletters in the past as well. My friends always say that they like me because I am the one who makes an effort, suggests things etc. But this time I am letting them go.

If you have a friend you are particularly fond of I would write a month before your visit saying you will be there and if she'd like to make a date to meet up you'll look forward to hearing from her. Then leave it entirely in her hands.. If no forthcoming date just enjoy your family.. You've made the offer..

It's not you, it's just life. I'm dreadful at keeping touch with people. I have 4 school friends I keep in touch with on WhatsApp and we meet up a few times a year. And i love them all. Shared memories. But I'll be honest, if it wasn't for them making the effort I might have just drifted away.

I like this poem

At birth, we board the train and meet our parents, and we believe they will always travel by our side.

As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your life.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.

Others will step down over time and leave a permanent vacuum.

Some, however, will go so unnoticed that we don’t realise they vacated their seats.

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down.

So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.

It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty, we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I agree that friendships must be worked at and they are worth the effort. My father got promotion when I was about 13 and we had to leave yorkshire and move to hertfordshire. It was quite devastating to me at the time, particulary leaving my friends and my beloved Granny. I had one friend who we had known each other since we were two and it was a real grief to me to leave her. I had to learn that our friendship would inevitably have to change, but that we could still be friends. I am pleased to say that we have been friends for 77 years and though we do not see each other a lot when we meet we are immediately in our usual relationship and have been there for each other for all the things in life, good or bad. I have other friends I have known for over 30 years too.

I have been the one who has moved a lot and lived abroad, but I make sure that I let everyone know my new address and once when I had sent the new address to an old friend but heard nothing from her, I found out from my mother where her mother lived and drove over 50 miles to go and speak to her , and found that she had also moved, but the new people in her old house had not forwarded my letter. So it was very worth while as we got back in touch and are friends still.

Now of course there are many other people who have been friends over the years who as you say end up as christmas and birthday friends and as we have various problems that affect our lives and possibly we are unable to move about as we used to . So then it really is just down to you to decide whether to keep the contact, or accept it has just come to an end but not in anger or anything.

For me the important things regarding friends are these.
As they say you cant chose your family but you choose your friends.

Friends you make in school have become your friends with no thought of what or who you are or whether you are rich or poor. You are their friend. Those friends are invaluable when you need any advice or comments on things from choosing a new dress or whether you should leave your husband!! They will tell it how it looks to them and you know that they care about you and you can trust them to tell you the truth.

Life ebbs and floes for everyone. As you say some of them have their children at different times so their every day life may not match up with yours. So if you think of things such as school holidays etc where people may be committed to childminding, perhaps you could suggest first a meeting of two or three of you in a convenient place in term time for you all so a town about in the middle of your distance between each other. Or if you are all interested in similar things you might suggest that you meet at a new exhibition at an Art Gallery or find a garden in the NGS that you could visit easily. That way you combine meeting up with something that appeals to you all and you then start to build up another set of memories that belong to these times.

I value friends old and new, but treasure those who have been with me for all this long time. Whenever there is anything I want to talk about we have the shorthand that we know our backgrounds and do not have to start from scratch. They are treasures in my life and I would be very sad to lose them. I dont measure who has travelled furthest or kept in touch the most, but can also suddenly realize I havent been in touch for a time if I have been very busy or quite ill.
So this time it could be me who has let things slide. With emails and phone calls it is easier these days to keep in touch, but whilst emails can be quick information etc it is very easy to misread things, as it is often the tone you use to say something that actually lets you know how the other person feels.

So I suggest you might think of the people you would be really sorry to lose touch with and perhaps you felt more hurt by a particular person not being available to meet you? That will be your cue to think of how much you miss that individual and then perhaps you can contact them and say that you would be sad to lose touch and ask them if they have a time that would be a possiblity for them to meet you and see what they reply to you. Did you think about what they would be doing when you suggested meeting up yourself? If you can let them choose the time and fit in with them you might be able to get back in touch in a better way. Either way you will soon see if it worth trying to keep in touch. I hope that you find a way that suits you all. As we get older there are fewer people who know our sort of previous lives and having friends with a similar background is a special group to enjoy. Hope you find your way

I agree that friends come and go, although it can be tough if the friends turn out to be ‘fair weather friends’.
I have one friend who I met at Uni, we have maintained our friendship ever since, although always living about 200 miles apart. We are Godparents to each other's children and when the children were young had long weekends at each other’s houses.
Once the DC were adults, we holidayed abroad together. Unfortunately now, she is in ill health so we keep in touch every week and I’m the one who visits.
A friendship like this is rare. I think as we get older it’s natural to spend more time with our families.

You have been a good friend you have considered people thinking of them then phoning them. Unfortunately your consideration has not been reciprocated by the sound of it.

I would not bother and see if any of these friends reach out to you in the near future. If they don’t think of them as past acquaintances and nothing more. When you do travel to see family just enjoy the company you will be in.

I loved the train poem and analogy. That sums up the situation I think.

I am usually the one to reach out to people, friends from way back, have eased off doing this and presumed if they want to meet up they will reach out to me. Trouble is on the occasions we have met up I have to do all the organising and usually there are issues that arise that means I have reorganise.
Used to be a people pleaser but now I realise I am not so important to other people and they really don’t get upset if I don’t get in touch.
Enjoy time with your family
🌺🙏🏾

Rula I have seen that poem before and it expresses the relationships we have with others throughout life very well.
We meet a lot of people over a lifetime. A few stay with you most don't.
I would invite your friends again but if they don't or can't meet you let them go.

I find this.
Covid didn't help. Also the phasing out of landlines.
Also is it because we are entertained by our phones and are less driven to go outside to meet people?

For some people it is just fear of rejection though. I don't know why anyone would want to spend time with me so I often don't bother. I think I have a massive inferiority complex and I would hate to think people don't think i care about them

loopyloo

I find this.
Covid didn't help. Also the phasing out of landlines.
Also is it because we are entertained by our phones and are less driven to go outside to meet people?

I think this will have an impact. Plus social media, thinking you are 'in touch' with people when the reality is different

Rula. What a lovely poem. It made me cry. Do you know the author's name?