Did anyone see the TV program yesterday on forced adoption?

Well, times have changed in official terms of what public bodies can get away with doing to other people. Behind closed doors, I imagine it's not all that much different.

A friend of mine had her baby in a mother and baby home. She wasn't forced exactly but tremendous pressure from her parents made her give the baby up. She said she always remembered one young mother running up the drive of the home,screaming and sobbing as her baby was driven away in a car by social workers.

Very sad.

I suppose ‘forced’. isn’t the right word as plenty of unmarried women had children in the 60’s & 70’s & kept their babies - but immense pressure was put upon others yes.

They were not forced to give up their babies because they were unmarried; they had to relinquish them because were totally unable to support their child. The father usually refused to take any role in support,'because' I don't know that it is mine' , no paternity tests available. Parents were reluctant or unable to afford supporting a new baby and its mother, and it was very difficult for the mother to work as there were few nurseries and very little child care available. And of course, no benefits, so no income.
The mothers who kept their babies had the support, financial and practical, of their families.

I worked as a social worker in a maternity hospital in the the 1970s. Unmarried mothers were the staple of my caseload.
Mother and Baby homes were very much still around but used very sparingly, and the outcome was not necessarily adoption. They were mainly used as a safe haven for girls from some ethnic minorities where we knew that when the girl said "My father will kill me if he finds out", they meant it literally. The homes were a safe haven for these girls.
There was no encouragement towards adoption from social workers or medics ...but there often was from the families. Our job was to listen to what the young mother wanted and to try and facilitate this. We supported lots of young mothers managing on their own.

My birth mother was forced to give me up for adoption by her mother, and was sent away to give birth to avoid disgracing the family. She wanted to marry my birth father but being only 18 was refused permission. At 21 they were able to marry and went on to have more children and a long marriage.
I’m privileged to have been able to get to know my birth mother and siblings a little.
I can’t begin to understand how she must have felt all those years ago.

My daughter was born in 1971.

Whilst in hospital in a ward with about 8 other young mums, there was one young mum who gave birth to the most beautiful baby daughter, and for 3 days she held her and cried. I assume some sort of baby blues, but on the fourth day, 2 women came and took the baby away. That young mum was utterly bereft, as was most of the ward. It upset us all terribly.

I think this is such a difficult area. I spent a number of years in my working life involved with young children who had remained with their birth mother and were damaged both physically and emotionally as a result, because their mothers didn’t have the maturity to meet the needs of a child.

Their mothers did love them in terms of emotional attachment and wept and were devastated when the children were eventually removed from them. But, in spite of support, were very often unable to put the child’s needs before their own.

I wasn’t involved in the initial decisions at birth or the later ones. I was involved with the consequences.

What TV channel was this programme on Kadinsky?

Bring an unmarried mother in those decades was a really shameful thing and it was often the parents who insisted that the baby should be adopted. Pregnant Girls were sent away from home to have their babies in a mother and baby unit, of which there were many, but afterwards there was no financial support or housing provided so if the parents didn’t support their daughter there was little choice for them other than to agree to adoption.
If parents did support them the baby was sometimes passed off as the parents child and a brother or sister to the actual mother. Family shame was a massive issue at that time.
The fathers of these children were not judged or expected to support their child at all and just carried on unless there was a ‘shotgun wedding ‘where the young couple were ‘encouraged’ to marry by the girl’s parents.

It all changed in the 80 s when I was a social worker young women were either careless or deliberately became pregnant in order to get financial support and their own home provided by the council.

Lathyrus3

I think this is such a difficult area. I spent a number of years in my working life involved with young children who had remained with their birth mother and were damaged both physically and emotionally as a result, because their mothers didn’t have the maturity to meet the needs of a child.

Their mothers did love them in terms of emotional attachment and wept and were devastated when the children were eventually removed from them. But, in spite of support, were very often unable to put the child’s needs before their own.

I wasn’t involved in the initial decisions at birth or the later ones. I was involved with the consequences.

In these cases support should have been given to any young mothers who wanted to keep their babies and were willing to accept help and learn.

Many children are emotionally damaged and physically and sexually assaulted both in the care system and in their homes with two parents.

silverlining48

It all changed in the 80 s when I was a social worker young women were either careless or deliberately became pregnant in order to get financial support and their own home provided by the council.

Again, “blame” assigned to women!

Men should also take responsibility for contraception and financially and emotionally for raising the babies they sire.

Lots of working class women brought shame on their families. I remember my Mother being obsessed with it

They did have plenty of support, believe me. Some of them to the extent of having live- in support. All focused on teaching them how to parent with the aim of achieving happy independence.

And they did care emotionally for their children. But when it was a choice between their own needs or wants and that of the child they would usually attend to their own need/want first and then their child.

And yes children might be damaged in any environment sadly. But that’s not a good reason for leaving them where you know for certain they are being mistreated or abused.

The difficult decision is when.

Patsy70
ITV

I did say fathers got away without criticism taking little responsibility Cossy. It was the young women who got a ‘reputation’. Double standards .

Thank you Kadinsky. I was in this position in the ‘60s, as Clawdy describes about her friend - not forced, but under pressure from my parents, as nobody should know! I am lucky to have been reunited with my daughter when she was 18, and we meet up regularly with my other daughter. Her adoptive parents were lovely, but sadly have now died - they were twenty years older than me.

JaneJudge

Lots of working class women brought shame on their families. I remember my Mother being obsessed with it

I take it that was tongue in cheek JaneJudge

I really don't remember this scenario, I was pregnant and unmarried in the 60s but don't recall any pressure being brought to bear.

At the risk of sounding unfeeling, I cannot see that apologies make much difference. (The affected women want that to happen).

Keir Starmer, the Archbishop Of Canterbury (if we had one!) the Pope, they could all stand up and apologise for what happened, but it was all so long ago, post WW11 and the next three or four decades.

Nothing can alter what happened back then. Different times, different attitudes, different beliefs.

Doesn’t make it right, but you can’t turn the clock back.

Patsy70

I’m very happy things worked out well for you. Lovely to hear.

I didn’t see the programme but it was also on itv news last night. It was sad. I don’t think apologies will make much difference nor achieve anything. A different era.

Kandinsky

Patsy70

I’m very happy things worked out well for you. Lovely to hear.

Thank you Kadinsky. 💐

I've always thought it was the parents who responsible. I was a teenager and pregnant in 1971 but I was married. I lived near a home for unmarried mothers and I can't count how many times I stood waiting to use the pay phone and heard girls crying and begging their parents to let them bring their baby home. Why should the govt apologise on our behalf when it was their parents who should apologise.

I remember walking past a car opposite the home. It was a Volvo estate, two little boys in the back, stoney faced mother in the front and dad getting suitcase and walking crying girl into the home. She looked about 14 or 15 and somehow I focused on her Clarks brown school sandals. It was such a sad scene. She'd be late sixties now and Ive often thought of her.