Did anyone see the TV program yesterday on forced adoption?

There's always the possibility that some of those mums who were so adamant that their daughter had to give up their baby, had been through the same thing themselves as young girls. (either via a formal adoption or informally).They may have spent their lives trying to convince themselves they'd done the right thing for their baby.
Most families could make room for a baby if they decided to. There can't have been many families poorer or more over-crowded than my paternal grandparents, but they looked after my auntie & her baby until she & her boyfriend were in a position to marry. No-one starved.

My cousin's girlfriend had a baby in the mid-sixties, they were both sixteen. Her parents were desperate for the baby to be adopted, but his parents were determined to keep the baby, so they kept the little girl for two years, and then the young couple got married and brought her up. I always remember my auntie saying "You don't give away your own flesh and blood!"

I suppose nowadays, apart from mums keeping their babies, there are many more terminations.

Not (legally) available back then.

Visit the Foundling Museum in London to know what true deprivations and cruelties existed for women giving up their children. What hit me most was each woman was given the opportunity to leave something with the baby so they could be associated with said item. They had so little, so a piece of cloth or a coin was left.
My daughter is the manager of an adoption team and very few babies are given up for adoption nowadays. It’s is a very emotive subject .

One of my friends had a baby at 17, in 1963. In those days, it was more or less expected that she would give up the baby for adoption.
But s/he has epilepsy. Potential adopters wanted only "perfect" white babies, so my friend had to take the baby. She did have support from her family and she met and married a good man who adopted the baby, now a middle-aged person with a good life.

A happy ending for your friend and family Romola.

My sister was adopted. She was born in a Salvation Army home for unmarried mothers. She never traced her birth mother so we never knew how she had felt about giving up her daughter.

This was in Scotland in 1956.

Social pressure and the fact that she could not support the child will have been factors. The father, a commercial traveller had promised to marry her, but confronted with the fact that his girlfriend was pregnant, turned round and admitted that he was already married, and had no intention of asking his wife for a divorce.

The young mother, 15 or 16, had earned her living waitressing, and was chucked out of her parental home when she was forced to admit the predicament she was in.

As I say, I have no idea if she felt forced to give up her child, or saw it as the best way to give her baby a good chance in life.

Neither giving a child up for adoption, fostering, or choosing abortion are easy choices, never have been, and never will be.

During my teenage years my mother did all she could to keep me away from boys and there were regular warnings about ‘getting in to trouble’.
I was still living with my widowed mum when I became pregnant at the age of 26 in 1980. Even then I was asked to move away so the neighbours wouldn’t know. Whilst in hospital after the birth of my child, a social worker turned up at my mother’s request. Because she had expressed doubts about my ability to look after my child, they had to go into foster care whilst my ability as a mother was assessed.
I was one of the lucky ones - I got my child back at 3 months. I had a good job and was able to provide for her well. We have a wonderful relationship but I never forget how different it might have been or really forgave my mother, although she did go on to love my child too.
My heart goes out to all of you who were not as fortunate as me.

Not only the wrenching apart. Of mother and baby but there is a lot coming out now about how the drugs given to these poor girls to dry up their milk have long lasting effects including cancer
www.sundaypost.com/fp/forced-adoption-drug/
I know someone who was adopted, she had a happy life but decided to find her mum, and discovered that her parents subsequently married as soon as they could without parental consent and she had several full, siblings. Their parents thought they couldn't take care of her, wouldn't let them marry which they wanted to do
We think that in the Victorian times parents would throw their pregnant daughters out and disown them, but looking at my family tree, it rarely happened, the daughter would live at hime. With the baby and either would help grandma or older sister around the house with her younger siblings, or grandma or an older sister would look after the baby while she went out to work, or a combination of those. If a mother was abandoned by her husband or widowed again she would often move back with mum or another family member. If a baby was orphaned, same thing. Grandma might have been furious at what happened but if the man wouldn't or couldn't marry her, the baby was part of the family. It didn't stop women getting married either, a year or. So down the line. Not every woman wanted to marry even in such circumstances, didn't want to bear another 8 or 9 children, which could have happened and she had the family support when it was needed to do that. But if she did want. To marry there were always men who would take on a child, or who were widowed and needed someone to look after their children.
There were a number of those grandmas who had conceived a child out of wedlock themselves and knew what it was like.

It happened to my friend in 1969. She was visited by two social workers and persuaded it was for the best. She has never heard from her child.

My mother was forced into a mother and baby home by her parents (father as wives wouldn’t dare contradict) and I was adopted from there. She was 18 and therefore not legally an adult and my father was at sea. By the time he returned it was all arranged.
I traced my mother in my 30s when I had my own children and we now have a great relationship. … mainly via the phone as she lives along way from me.
The only person I need an apology from really is my now long dead grandfather. He was a product of the times but it was very wrong and I have suffered badly with adopted person’s syndrome all my life.

eazybee

They were not forced to give up their babies because they were unmarried; they had to relinquish them because were totally unable to support their child. The father usually refused to take any role in support,'because' I don't know that it is mine' , no paternity tests available. Parents were reluctant or unable to afford supporting a new baby and its mother, and it was very difficult for the mother to work as there were few nurseries and very little child care available. And of course, no benefits, so no income.
The mothers who kept their babies had the support, financial and practical, of their families.

I know that some were definitely forced, my mother was one who was forced to give up a son.

mum2three

It was the best thing for the babies. As easybee says, if the girl has no income, the father won't support her, her own parents don't want to take on the baby, then what alternative was there?

It was absolutely not best for anyone, forced to give up your baby because of shame, the mother living her life not knowing who was looking after her baby. The child not knowing who gave birth to them. Lives have been ruined by forced adoption, so I reiterate not for the best by any means.

valdali

There's always the possibility that some of those mums who were so adamant that their daughter had to give up their baby, had been through the same thing themselves as young girls. (either via a formal adoption or informally).They may have spent their lives trying to convince themselves they'd done the right thing for their baby.
Most families could make room for a baby if they decided to. There can't have been many families poorer or more over-crowded than my paternal grandparents, but they looked after my auntie & her baby until she & her boyfriend were in a position to marry. No-one starved.

Yes it's a pity shame took precedence over love and empathy.

There was always an alternative unless they were very very young. Not for the best, for mum or baby, in the majority of cases.

valdali

There was always an alternative unless they were very very young. Not for the best, for mum or baby, in the majority of cases.

Absolutely. I totally agree.

Well said.

Vetrep 🌸💐
I was very moved by your story. I’m so heartened that yiur baby was away for a relatuvely short time but sad the decision was based on what your mum said. I bet the sw involved were very happy your baby came home

My aunt was forced to give up her "illegitimate" baby for adoption in the 1940s. She never recovered from this loss and suffered from depression all her life (depression was not understood at the time and she endured many years of distresssing electric shock treatment as a young woman). Thank goodness we now live in more enlightened times.

So sorry to read about your aunt Lizzie44. The loss of a baby, in whatever way, is a life long issue. A friend had rounds of electric shock treatment in the mid 60’s. I realise now, she was suffering from trauma

I was in a mother and baby home and was forced to put my baby up for adoption. I never married and it ruined any romantic relationships, as I could never allow anyone to get close to me.

I don't believe in going back in time and blaming anyone. The mindset was totally different, and things we do today will seem awful to people in 50 years' time.

Cossy

Lathyrus3

I think this is such a difficult area. I spent a number of years in my working life involved with young children who had remained with their birth mother and were damaged both physically and emotionally as a result, because their mothers didn’t have the maturity to meet the needs of a child.

Their mothers did love them in terms of emotional attachment and wept and were devastated when the children were eventually removed from them. But, in spite of support, were very often unable to put the child’s needs before their own.

I wasn’t involved in the initial decisions at birth or the later ones. I was involved with the consequences.

In these cases support should have been given to any young mothers who wanted to keep their babies and were willing to accept help and learn.

Many children are emotionally damaged and physically and sexually assaulted both in the care system and in their homes with two parents.

Cossy, they were given support as Lathyrus3 says.

very few babies are given up for adoption nowadays

Sometimes, when dreadful news items are about babies and small children being abused by their families, it makes you think these poor little souls would have had a better life if they had been adopted.

By this, I’m not implying that these single mothers of years ago come into that category, just that sometimes, adoption would be preferable for the child.

droopdraws Would you consider adding your details to the adoption contact register in case your child is looking for you? www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register
My DH’s mother had not done this and it made him think she had forgotten him or didn’t care. It turns out she had been constantly told when giving up her child that she would ruin his life if she had any contact with him.
When we had our first child I was able to reassure him that a mother never forgets her baby. Now they have made contact she has told him that he was always on her mind and she has saved his photo in case he ever came looking. He did not feel able to search for her until his adoptive parents were both dead as he didn’t want to hurt them.
Despite having kind and loving adoptive parents he has always felt something was missing and hopefully this new chapter in our lives will go some way to plugging that gap.

sodapop

JaneJudge

Lots of working class women brought shame on their families. I remember my Mother being obsessed with it

I take it that was tongue in cheek JaneJudge

I really don't remember this scenario, I was pregnant and unmarried in the 60s but don't recall any pressure being brought to bear.

Then you were very lucky sodapop. I became pregnant in 1968 and my mother told me, 'If you have this baby, you're not bringing it home.' I had a termination (NHS and with a painful element of punishment ) but years later, with my own two daughters, I thought how could my own mother have said that to me?