Bereavement Support Group....any thoughts?

Wonderful insights corner. Unfortunately the Catch 22 is when you are upset, you can't think straight and may make poor choices.

I’m not sure there’s one answer to this. Too many variables. Firstly loss and grief are individual. No two people are the same. It then depends on the purpose of the group. All should come with a explanation. I was involved in organising a Moving On group with very clear boundaries and guidelines. It wasn’t for everyone. A lot of signposting happened along the lines of ‘do you know about’…. It also depends on the skill of the facilitator, bereaved people often struggle for an outlet, they can be like a tap in the stuck in position, the water runs very fast. Sometimes facilitators aren’t strong enough to turn off a stuck tap.

My instinct is to say to anyone considering any sort of group is find out all you can about it, does it fit with the person you know you are and the needs you believe you have. Talk to the facilitator. If you think it’s worth a try then it probably is but of course walk away if you find it’s not for you. Go with your instinct. There’s never any shame in that. Wishing you well glass.

Or “You’re so lucky to have the mortgage paid off.”

I learnt to roll with the punches.

I’m with the posters who found an unrelated but sympathetic group more helpful.

Thanks for useful replies.

One dynamic I've encountered is the " At least you've ( still) got....."
" You've got family popping in"

I have facilitated a number of groups, and sometimes found it challenging to ‘rein in’ dominant characters who could have taken over every session with their story. I’m still not convinced that a group setting is the most helpful.

Counselling wasn’t for me when I lost DH almost three years ago; neither was it for DS when he lost his wife. An online site I had a look at seemed like people were locked into a spiral of decline, dragging each other with them, instead of trying to move forward. Six months after it happened I joined a walking group, not for the bereaved, but where many of the members had lost life partners. It was a comfort to know that there were people there who had gone through the same, without the need to be continually laying it out for people. I went on to do other things to get me out and about and this has worked for me although it’s very hard taking that first step back to normality. I still grieve him, and always will, but it’s not the crushing weight that it was. My thoughts are with you - I hope you find a path that brings you some comfort.

glasshalffullagain - sorry to hear your bereavement group is not doing much to help you process your grief. But maybe if you accept that bereavement group therapy is not intended to take away the pain of loss you might find the group more useful. Dealing with the loss of a loved one demands dealing also with the pressures you may feel to control your emotions - the very fact that many people feel they have to put on a brave face in company etc. shows how poorly-adjusted Western society is to death and loss. Being part of a group and listening to the sadness of other people should provide the opportunity for your own feelings to be validated, and especially for those who work hard not to cry, being in the company of someone who is visibly heartbroken can be instrumental in giving permission to others to let their emotions out. I know there's many on this thread who concur that such therapy didn't work for them, but persevere if you can, with a different perspective - healing will only be facilitated if you bring the idea that how you're feeling is normal for many people into play. And if you rally can't get on with the group experience, look for a psychotherapist with a specialism in bereavement. Specifically, you need an existentialist who will stand with you and help you as you re-work your identity which is what the outcome of loss is all about. If you want help in finding one, look on Psychology Today, or the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) websites. You will be assured that people on those websites are well qualified. Good luck.

We lost our two year old son years ago. I went to s bereavement support group. I even created and edited s newsletter. My husband did not go but he supported me.

We all grieve differently.

win

Baggs

Since DD died just over a year ago I have found that "doing" is the best approach for me. Keeping busy doing things, either connected to the dead person's life in some way or not, has served me best. I think it is the distraction factor that I have found most useful, particularly learning new skills, both practical ones and mental ones. I guess my approach has been, and continues to be, to take on things that challenge me.

I believe DD's partner has used the same approach.

It is not total distraction of course but having to concentrate on things has definitely been helpful. I suppose, at a stretch, one could call it occupational therapy though I hadn't thought of it that way until just now.

As my mother-in-law said when her son, my b-i-l, died at a similar age to DD: "You just have to get on with it." She is still alive. It cannot be very common nowadays to lose both a child and a grandchild, especially considering they were both very healthy people up until their final illness.

Much more common than you are insinuating sadly, We have several in our group and my own mother sadly lost her son and my son

Loss of a child and a grandchild is indeed a grave and sad thing and I'm sorry your family – and others that you know of – have experienced this.

My reference to "nowadays" was with respect to several generations ago when the proportion of deaths among babies and young children was much higher than it is today. Back then it must have been tragically common, relatively speaking, for parents and grandparents to lose younger members of their families. You only have to look at nineteenth century gravestones to see that.

At that time too most people did not live to what are now common old ages.

There was no insinuation about anything.

There are no in person groups near me but I joined an online forum last year after my husband died. People there said how much they support each other but really most seemed too engulfed by their own grief. I didn't find it helpful at all and personally I think distraction is more help.
I have good friends and have made a conscious effort to go out and do things each day. I don't know whether counselling helps as I have not tried it but nothing will change the situation, will it?

Thankfully I have not needed such a group. There is one in the next village and I have always imagined people sitting around talking about their grief each time and making things even worse for everyone, rather than trying to move forwards and come to terms with a new normal.

The down side can be maybe, if you feel low, you are surrounding yourself with more of the same.

Personally I find a trained and registered therapist to be invaluable. I do observe some people who are so wrapped up in their loss, they have no wish to hear any other narrative.

Margiknot

Our local carers group continues to include members who have lost the person they cared for- which might give a different type of support for the recently bereaved who already know others in the carers group.

Yes that is perfect to me, we do too, but many don't, which I personally think is cruel. How can you tell a bereaved carer you can't come anymore. Their world has just folded and everything has stopped. Domiciliary carers have stopped nurses, doctors and all the people who visited you at home through the illness unless they were cared for is in care home.
I can never understand why organisations do not understand how hard it is for ex-carers and bereaved people in general, then we wonder why we become lonely and isolated and try to do something about that.!! and so the circle and funding goes on.

Baggs

Since DD died just over a year ago I have found that "doing" is the best approach for me. Keeping busy doing things, either connected to the dead person's life in some way or not, has served me best. I think it is the distraction factor that I have found most useful, particularly learning new skills, both practical ones and mental ones. I guess my approach has been, and continues to be, to take on things that challenge me.

I believe DD's partner has used the same approach.

It is not total distraction of course but having to concentrate on things has definitely been helpful. I suppose, at a stretch, one could call it occupational therapy though I hadn't thought of it that way until just now.

As my mother-in-law said when her son, my b-i-l, died at a similar age to DD: "You just have to get on with it." She is still alive. It cannot be very common nowadays to lose both a child and a grandchild, especially considering they were both very healthy people up until their final illness.

Much more common than you are insinuating sadly, We have several in our group and my own mother sadly lost her son and my son

Were you in a carers group at all by any chance before your husband died? Can you stay there. Ibn the group I run, we allow ex-carers to stay on indefinitely, some stay years with their old friends others move on. They all support each other brilliantly and make lifelong friends. Grieving is a roller coaster and each day is different. Each minute can be different. You probably need proper friends around you who do not mind you talking about him a lot some days and hardly speaking others. Perhaps you have an ex-carers group you can join if that would help, or are you ready for volunteering yet, it helps tremendously and with your experience you can put it to brilliant use when you are ready.

I was invited to join a group organised by a couple who live near me, both had experienced bereavement. I did give it consideration but thought I didn't feel I would enjoy labelling myself as "bereaved" . I am sure many will find a group with similar experience will be of benefit, just not for me.

A bit of a conundrum I know. I feel the same way. It’s been almost 18 months since my husband died and I know I now need to seek real purpose. I have however decided to get help from a grief counsellor. I think one to one will be more beneficial for me. I’m sure group meetings help some people though but I’m not sure it’s for me at the moment..
Good luck to everyone in this sad floundering boat. I’m sure we’ll all navigate our way home through this storm and find our ‘new normal’ eventually…

Since DD died just over a year ago I have found that "doing" is the best approach for me. Keeping busy doing things, either connected to the dead person's life in some way or not, has served me best. I think it is the distraction factor that I have found most useful, particularly learning new skills, both practical ones and mental ones. I guess my approach has been, and continues to be, to take on things that challenge me.

I believe DD's partner has used the same approach.

It is not total distraction of course but having to concentrate on things has definitely been helpful. I suppose, at a stretch, one could call it occupational therapy though I hadn't thought of it that way until just now.

As my mother-in-law said when her son, my b-i-l, died at a similar age to DD: "You just have to get on with it." She is still alive. It cannot be very common nowadays to lose both a child and a grandchild, especially considering they were both very healthy people up until their final illness.

Our local carers group continues to include members who have lost the person they cared for- which might give a different type of support for the recently bereaved who already know others in the carers group.

I found Cruse very helpful at the time, we were a small group with very differing stories and I have stayed in touch with a couple of people. It isn’t a magic bullet but it made me feel less alone and some of the guidance was very thought provoking.
I then attended a Sue Ryder run coffee morning in our local John Lewis for a few months until I found myself submerged in the grief of others which wasn’t helping me.
I am now attending an art group which is for grief support and really enjoying that.
I have found that through this long sad process I have needed different support at different times and each has given me some tools for living with my pain.

My close friend went to a "walking for the bereaved" group.
She still walks weekly with some of them after several years.
Real friendships have developed there but because you are walking you can move about and not talk if you want that - and drop back if you've had enough of someone else.

I think this sounds like it might suit some people for whom the "just talking" is not for them..

After my husband died, I realised grief would be with me for a while. I decided to accept it walks with me and whilst I wasn’t exactly making it a welcome friend, realised I couldn’t just walk away from it. It may seem odd but it helped me

This is very helpful to me. I expect the role of a good facilitator would be to gently move people along, to steer them towards some specks of hope in their darkness.

Lathyrus, yes some people are very well bedded in to the world of grief.
Terribly sorry to read of the sad losses.

There is a bereavement group held in our library and also one in the church hall. I always feel a little concerned for the attendees as they are at a vulnerable time and are obviously bereaved (because they are attending the meeting) and then walk out and possibly walk home. There are enough bad people on the internet and scammers to be wary of let alone someone in real life who could make a nuisance of themselves.

I can only speak for a group I joined when my husband died 33 years ago, it was called Cruise, there were a mixed age group but mainly much older than me, I was 41, after three meetings I realised I was coming away from the meetings feeling even worse than when I arrived, the misery was palpable, I was the only one with small children so felt very out of place, not the other members fault at all, but realised it wasn’t for me, however we now have the internet which means there are many more groups about.