Bereavement Support Group....any thoughts?

It sounds as though you’ve started to go to this group and aren’t sure it’s meeting your needs. I know it wouldn’t be right for me but 1-1 sessions with a good therapy might be. Talking with family and friends can be supportive.
I understand your point about the possible impact on you of being with other sad people.

It wasn’t for me. I wanted help in creating a new life but the other members of the group just wanted to revisit their loss.
It didn’t seem to be helping them. Some had been going to the group for years.

The hospice my husband died in offered counselling for relatives. It was helpful in that it affirmed my decisions I’d already taken about my future.

Most of the help I needed came from my family and friends because they knew me so well.

I found a bereavement group a waste of time . The woman running it had done a 12 week course and was married. I was widowed in 2004 aged 45 my husband was 47. Others in the group where 20-40 years older than me only reason I went my children where 20 and 16 and they thought it would help . Only stuck it out for 2 years until they both left home . Luckily they never asked me if it helped it didn't they where nice people but grief was never mentioned.

Glasshalffullagain go onto the bereavement forum and read the threads there . You will see you are not alone and you can freely talk about what you are going through and being understood . It's been 21 years since my husband died and the grief gets worse as the years go by but you learn to cope. But bone crushing grief can still overwhelm me at times but I cry and feel better . Anyway I am on some of the threads but I warn you I ramble on .

Read the threads they will help . 🌹

Same Lathryus

I live outside a small village. When my husband passed away the GP surgery mentioned a bereavement group run by one of their staff. At the time I would have liked to talk to someone completely unconnected to me but I was told the group also had help from 2 local volunteers one of whom I vaguely knew.
The idea that these 2 random, completely untrained helpers were present just put me off completely, no way would I want to discuss feelings in front of the local gossip.

I am sure that we all deal with loss in different ways - I know I didn't fully grieve for my mum until after my dad died and then I missed her dreadfully. Years later life has gotten easier but occasionally something will occur, I will hear a song, smell some home baking, see a photograph and I am back to the time they died.
Personally, I can think of nothing worse than sitting in a group of people sharing my memories particularly as here it would be at the local church where there is an element of wanting to know your business and then gossip when you're not around........and they call themselves Christians!

I went to a bereavement group once only. It wasn’t for me.

For a start, the leader promised nobody would be forced to speak then she asked me and another newcomer to speak. Some people had been going for years. I didn’t want to be amongst sad people focussing on their losses. My sadness is mine, not for sharing, and I don’t need to be brought down by others focussing on their loss, sorry though I am that so many are in this situation.
Instead I have joined some u3a groups and I try to meet new people.
Most of my friends are married, and don’t appreciate how hard it can be to have nobody to go for a walk or to a concert with or just to “do nothing with”. I certainly didn’t feel that I was going to find friends from the bereavement group.

There is a bereavement course starting near me. The topics look very pertinent, but there is no way I want to share my feelings in a group situation.

I did once attend a course for older people, covering topics like Benefits, writing your will, getting LPA, hobbies, paying for care, tidying up your admin, including deciding what sort of funeral you would want….. and much more. It was sensitively done, very informative, not sharing personal information, and most useful.

Grief affects people in different ways but is something we all experience.

I think people should be able to find support if they need it, by any means they choose. If it helps what's wrong about it?

If you don't think you need it fair enough.

I don't think it would be for me either, but would not judge anyone for attending one, even it it's for years...

I joined some bereavement forum and its not really for me - Like Lathyrus3, I dont want to be stuck in my grief. I want to move forward with my life.
My wife died in July last year and my daughter died a month later. And whilst its incredibly sad and heartbreaking and I will always think of them both daily, grief isnt where I want to live, but where I may visit occaisionally.
I found in this particular forum, the conversation was quite upsetting rather then uplifting.

I was widowed during Covid and could only join an online support group. As others have said, it was just women who seemed to want to wallow in their misery, while I was looking for steps out of the pit of despair! I also had one to one telephone support from Cruse, which was slightly better, but not really much help. I honestly do think you have to find your own way through the forest of grief, by just trying out different things till you find something that helps you feel lighter.

I am very sorry for your loss LisaP. This must have been the worst year of your life.

I very much admire your determination and positivity and truly believe that though grief will now be part of your life, there will also be much joy for you in the future because of the person you are💐

I can only speak for a group I joined when my husband died 33 years ago, it was called Cruise, there were a mixed age group but mainly much older than me, I was 41, after three meetings I realised I was coming away from the meetings feeling even worse than when I arrived, the misery was palpable, I was the only one with small children so felt very out of place, not the other members fault at all, but realised it wasn’t for me, however we now have the internet which means there are many more groups about.

There is a bereavement group held in our library and also one in the church hall. I always feel a little concerned for the attendees as they are at a vulnerable time and are obviously bereaved (because they are attending the meeting) and then walk out and possibly walk home. There are enough bad people on the internet and scammers to be wary of let alone someone in real life who could make a nuisance of themselves.

This is very helpful to me. I expect the role of a good facilitator would be to gently move people along, to steer them towards some specks of hope in their darkness.

Lathyrus, yes some people are very well bedded in to the world of grief.
Terribly sorry to read of the sad losses.

After my husband died, I realised grief would be with me for a while. I decided to accept it walks with me and whilst I wasn’t exactly making it a welcome friend, realised I couldn’t just walk away from it. It may seem odd but it helped me

My close friend went to a "walking for the bereaved" group.
She still walks weekly with some of them after several years.
Real friendships have developed there but because you are walking you can move about and not talk if you want that - and drop back if you've had enough of someone else.

I think this sounds like it might suit some people for whom the "just talking" is not for them..

I found Cruse very helpful at the time, we were a small group with very differing stories and I have stayed in touch with a couple of people. It isn’t a magic bullet but it made me feel less alone and some of the guidance was very thought provoking.
I then attended a Sue Ryder run coffee morning in our local John Lewis for a few months until I found myself submerged in the grief of others which wasn’t helping me.
I am now attending an art group which is for grief support and really enjoying that.
I have found that through this long sad process I have needed different support at different times and each has given me some tools for living with my pain.

Our local carers group continues to include members who have lost the person they cared for- which might give a different type of support for the recently bereaved who already know others in the carers group.

Since DD died just over a year ago I have found that "doing" is the best approach for me. Keeping busy doing things, either connected to the dead person's life in some way or not, has served me best. I think it is the distraction factor that I have found most useful, particularly learning new skills, both practical ones and mental ones. I guess my approach has been, and continues to be, to take on things that challenge me.

I believe DD's partner has used the same approach.

It is not total distraction of course but having to concentrate on things has definitely been helpful. I suppose, at a stretch, one could call it occupational therapy though I hadn't thought of it that way until just now.

As my mother-in-law said when her son, my b-i-l, died at a similar age to DD: "You just have to get on with it." She is still alive. It cannot be very common nowadays to lose both a child and a grandchild, especially considering they were both very healthy people up until their final illness.

A bit of a conundrum I know. I feel the same way. It’s been almost 18 months since my husband died and I know I now need to seek real purpose. I have however decided to get help from a grief counsellor. I think one to one will be more beneficial for me. I’m sure group meetings help some people though but I’m not sure it’s for me at the moment..
Good luck to everyone in this sad floundering boat. I’m sure we’ll all navigate our way home through this storm and find our ‘new normal’ eventually…

I was invited to join a group organised by a couple who live near me, both had experienced bereavement. I did give it consideration but thought I didn't feel I would enjoy labelling myself as "bereaved" . I am sure many will find a group with similar experience will be of benefit, just not for me.

Were you in a carers group at all by any chance before your husband died? Can you stay there. Ibn the group I run, we allow ex-carers to stay on indefinitely, some stay years with their old friends others move on. They all support each other brilliantly and make lifelong friends. Grieving is a roller coaster and each day is different. Each minute can be different. You probably need proper friends around you who do not mind you talking about him a lot some days and hardly speaking others. Perhaps you have an ex-carers group you can join if that would help, or are you ready for volunteering yet, it helps tremendously and with your experience you can put it to brilliant use when you are ready.

Baggs

Since DD died just over a year ago I have found that "doing" is the best approach for me. Keeping busy doing things, either connected to the dead person's life in some way or not, has served me best. I think it is the distraction factor that I have found most useful, particularly learning new skills, both practical ones and mental ones. I guess my approach has been, and continues to be, to take on things that challenge me.

I believe DD's partner has used the same approach.

It is not total distraction of course but having to concentrate on things has definitely been helpful. I suppose, at a stretch, one could call it occupational therapy though I hadn't thought of it that way until just now.

As my mother-in-law said when her son, my b-i-l, died at a similar age to DD: "You just have to get on with it." She is still alive. It cannot be very common nowadays to lose both a child and a grandchild, especially considering they were both very healthy people up until their final illness.

Much more common than you are insinuating sadly, We have several in our group and my own mother sadly lost her son and my son

Margiknot

Our local carers group continues to include members who have lost the person they cared for- which might give a different type of support for the recently bereaved who already know others in the carers group.

Yes that is perfect to me, we do too, but many don't, which I personally think is cruel. How can you tell a bereaved carer you can't come anymore. Their world has just folded and everything has stopped. Domiciliary carers have stopped nurses, doctors and all the people who visited you at home through the illness unless they were cared for is in care home.
I can never understand why organisations do not understand how hard it is for ex-carers and bereaved people in general, then we wonder why we become lonely and isolated and try to do something about that.!! and so the circle and funding goes on.