Overheard at the Leisure Centre

Sorry, I thought I had edited it. I think it's about expectations. Maybe his wife gives up doing things and plans to do things together. When we retired, I thought we'd travel together and move to Brighton . Later, I found out that he just wanted to do things by himself for the Church and be on committees . So off I went to Brighton where there is no shortage of things to do, and when he feels
lonely, it is his choice. So I hope for her sake, the wife finds out and finds things for herself to do, instead of carrying on the routine of making a meal every evening and waiting to do things together. We're still together, but I've travelled by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I think it's about expectations. Maybe his wife gives up doing things and plans to do things together. When we retired, I thought we'd travel together. Later, I found out that he just wanted to do things by himself. So off I went to Brighton where there is no shortage of things to do, and when he feels l

lonely, it's his choice. So I hope for wife finds it and finds things for herself to do, instead of carrying in the routine of making a meal every evening and waiting to do things together.

100% agree with Maybee70

Caro41, the point is that couples don't need to be joined at the hip; you can be independent and honest!

Nothing there I wouldn’t do ; there’s lying and then there’s lying . The whole word is overworked and incorrectly applied these days . A few white lies keeps life rolling along far more smoothly than telling all .
You need a bit of freedom in a marriage and couples that are joined at the hip are boring and probably insecure.

I guess we were just able to accommodate each other’s needs with a bit of discussion 🤷🏽‍♀️

You see, worriedwell it wouldn’t have been an otherwise happy marriage for me if I’d had to lie to about what I was doing. Or if I’d found out he’d lied about what he was doing.

How can a marriage be happy without trust?

Completely agree. How selfish of her to make him feel guilty about doing something he really enjoys. She should be happy that he’s having fun.

Surely, theworriedwell, a good marriage is about trust and a willingness to meet each other's reasonable needs? I'm not sure I would consider that it was a happy marriage if I had to lie to get my needs recognised. Sometimes you do have to go gently and ensure you don't hurt someone's feelings when you communicate those needs but I wouldn't consider an out and out lie.

I’d hold the door open for him and regard it as a bit of peace and ‘me’ time. Neither of us would lie, wouldn’t need to.

Lathyrus3

Oh I need copious amounts of alone time. And my husband jst loved his work (I thought about scattering his ashes there!) and had an all-consuming hobby.

But we never lied about what we wanted or were doing.

We just put it out there and discussed it.

It was really important to be to be with s ne that I could be totally honest with and who would be honest with me. No pretences.

But I see from the posts that actually most people are comfortable with some deception and that I’m out of step to feel so uncomfortable about it.

Presumably you and your husband didn't need to lie. What if your husband had objected to you having some time without him,? Would you choose to just give in, live in a state of war so you could do it or break up an otherwise happy marriage? The harmless lie seems like the only reasonable option other than the most reasonable option of letting a competent adult make their own choices.

Oh I need copious amounts of alone time. And my husband jst loved his work (I thought about scattering his ashes there!) and had an all-consuming hobby.

But we never lied about what we wanted or were doing.

We just put it out there and discussed it.

It was really important to be to be with s ne that I could be totally honest with and who would be honest with me. No pretences.

But I see from the posts that actually most people are comfortable with some deception and that I’m out of step to feel so uncomfortable about it.

''...A few minutes later a homeless guy came along, took the package from the bin and began to consume the sandwiches inside...'' if it was intentional, the man would not have dumped them in the bin; they would have passed from hand to hand. My guess is that the homeless man saw him do it once, and assumed he would do it again, and again.

Re the OP, yes, it was a blatant lie - told so as not to hurt the wife, and to get some peace and quiet away from her. We do not know him, or her, so we cannot judge. But... let's be honest, don't we line 'alone time', at least, sometimes?

I don’t blame them for deceit. It seems a bit controlling to say you can go out to play bowls, but not watch your friend. I wonder what the reasoning is behind it.

This thread makes me think of the old saying/joke, "you know you're getting old when you don't care where your spouse is going as long as you don't have to go along."
DH and I are there. Happily married for 45 years but we each have our own interests. I don't doubt we have the occasional little white lie to save the peace but fortunately it doesn't bother either of us in the least.

Gwyllt

Eazybee
Perhaps it is the husband who is demanding the attention and not the other way round

He wouldn't be lying to go out if that was the case or am I missing something.

Lathyrus3

"just me then.

I’m not very good with pretending and lies. Rather have it all out there 😬"

Been happily married for four decades and honestly I think that not everything should or needs to be 'all out there'. Discretion, kindness and working out the moves is just wisdom. In the situation with the bowls guy i am sorry his wife is so clingy and that he is henpecked. ...but its not the end of the world.

I think you're reaction is a bit OTT. He was out with his pal watching bowls not having an affair!

Eazybee
Perhaps it is the husband who is demanding the attention and not the other way round

I know someone who expects to spend every minute with her newly retired husband. He has started several new interests and she has involved herself in every one; she is also dropping friends of many years to spend all her time with him.
She seems afraid to let him out of her sight, yet they have been happily married for years (I think.)

My late husband was a frequent bowler. Mostly it didn’t bother me. Just occasionally, when it meant postponing or cancelling an event/outing I might have a minor gripe, but I told him that he might be more concerned if some day I didn’t care what he was doing.

Who know what happens in other people’s relationships, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

I hope his wife isn't on here because you might have outed him! 🤣
I guess it depends on why he feels the need to lie. If it because she is controlling then I understand but feel he should stand up to her. It also depends on her stance upon lies. My husband knows that if I catch him out in a small lie, it makes me wonder if he tells me big lies. I think lying is a form of cowardice and also a sign that your husband thinks you are stupid enough to believe anything you are told. I wouldn't like the thought of he and his friend laughing at me either. As a child I was lied to often and it is one of my lines in the sand.

I don't understand why anybody would want to play bowls. It's such a tedious game

Lathyrus3

Ah well. I didn’t take to either of them. It felt to me like he was getting as much or more pleasure from having fooled her as he was from watching. Laughing together about it. Naughty boys.

But I did say at the start I know I see things different from the majority. Lies don’t seem to bother most people as much as they bother me.

See this would bother me more, laughing at having fooled her. That would hurt.

Surprised at all the people believing the men’s stories of being controlled when I highly suspect it’s the other way around for a lot of them, particularly the one cheating on his wife. What an amazing man he was