To Have Or Not To Have Children

Allira my father was Catholic, my mother wasn't. By their 2nd anniversary the had a one year old and a new born . My mother said the day after I was born the parish priest called to see her (and me probably.) I was the second baby.

She told me he sat on the bed, took her hand and asked if my father or her in laws were pressuring her to have babies and that it wasn't something she should feel pressured about. He left telling her he was going to have a word with my father. It was 5 years before another baby came along.

She was very embarrassed and when I was an adult said the only Catholic thing that embarrassed her more was when she had baby 3 and the midwife was a nun. She said it was awful that the nun knew what she and my father had been doing. I reassured that it would not come as a shock to a qualified midwife.

Barleyfields

It’s a personal decision but I always wonder how many have decided not to have children and then regretted their decision when it’s too late.

I worked with someone who didn't want children. Early 40 s she had a hysterectomy and then a breakdown because she couldn't have children. Ok in another job I worked with a man whose wife went through the same thing. Both women ended up with dogs who were their babies.

I've also had friends/colleagues who didn't seem to have any regrets.

I'm not sure how anyone could predict how it would turn out.

Judy54

Casdon

Babs03

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

You’re right, although I think when people have made a conscious choice, they are usually quite happy to volunteer their reasons and talk about it, it’s those who didn’t, who have regrets, who are understandably more reluctant.

This is a generalisation not based on fact. Ours was a conscious choice and we are definitely not happy to volunteer our reasons and talk about it. In fact we are absolutely reluctant to do so. Our choice, our business not for discussion.

It’s entirely up to you what you disclose to others about any aspect of your life Judy54. I have never asked anybody why they don’t have children, what I have found though is that they volunteer the information, in normal conversation. Each to their own.

Casdon

Babs03

No reasons or justifications needed, people should really not have to explain.

You’re right, although I think when people have made a conscious choice, they are usually quite happy to volunteer their reasons and talk about it, it’s those who didn’t, who have regrets, who are understandably more reluctant.

This is a generalisation not based on fact. Ours was a conscious choice and we are definitely not happy to volunteer our reasons and talk about it. In fact we are absolutely reluctant to do so. Our choice, our business not for discussion.

I chose not to have children. When I met my DH and we became a couple, I was very honest about my feelings about having children and explained my less than perfect childhood. My now DH felt the same and we have never regretted our choice. People do assume that there is some medical reason why we didn't start a family and I always explain that it was a conscious decision on our part. We have had a wonderful 50 years together, have lots of friends, have family members with children and have enjoyed travelling abroad. I have never understood why people might suggest that it is a selfish decision. Each to their own.

Both myself and my husband wanted children. When they were born we did struggle financially especially in the late 80s and early 90s when mortgage interest rates went sky high.
So I had to return to work to enable us to live, for the first few years it was only 18 hours per week and my wonderful parents helped look after them. As they got older I increased my hours.
I fully regard myself as a “proper” mum, and my late husband was a brilliant Dad who they both adored. They both say they had a wonderful childhood.
I fully support anyone’s decision not to have children just as I support any parent who needs or wants to work. As long as children feel wanted, loved and cared for.

Not sure how a bit I deleted ended up in the middle of another sentence. I wish there was an edit button!

The decision whether to have children is one many people make for all sorts of reasons. I know people who have decided they don't want them and I respect their right to choose. I always assumed we would have children though my ex and I never actually discussed it. My first child was unplanned but for me was a very happy accident!

What does really upset me is anyone feelinng they have the right to question any couple about their decisions or even ask about their plans. I was over 30 when I married and my ex was a few years younger. His parents had the audacity to ask when we planned to start a family when we visited them at Christmas, less than a month after our wedding! My new husband said " But you di approve as she had sugdn't have me until you had been married for 4 years!" The response from my FiL was "Ah, but I didn't marry someone older than myself!"

I knew MiL didn't approve as she had suggested early in our relationship that he "Find someone younger and slimmer!" When I eventually produced a grandchild for them after 4 years of marriage, I was suddenly referred to as "My lovely daughter in law!"

Sadly MiL never took to her other DiL, who is now separated from my ex's brother. and their two children live in separate countries and rarely see each other. Nor has she accepted my ex's new partner, who she no longer sees, though she keeps in touch with me despite the divorce. I gained her favour eventually but I feel sorry for her as she lives alone and is probably lonely in her old age.

The world does need more children. With aging populations, who do you think is going to pay taxes to look after you and care for you in your old age?

My sister married quite a bit later than me, after I had had my two children.
A little while after the marriage she rang me to ask "Does having a baby hurt?". When I replied "yes, but it's worth it" or something similar, she replied "I don't think I will then!"
She and her husband were devoted to each other and seemed to lead a very happy life until she sadly died of cancer three years ago. I guess it's horses for courses. I've never regretted having mine!

Back in the 1980’s after we got married we were asked multiple times why we didn’t have children which was very upsetting as I had a health condition that was stopping me from conceiving. I did eventually have children, but would never question anyone on this subject its none on my business why a person doesn’t have any children

As I am 73 that ship has long since sailed, and it is absolutely none of my business what other people decide to do regarding having or not having children.

There have always been times when the world looked dire, and not one that anyone would want to bring children into, but most of us arrived none the less.

Personally, I like being here, and am glad that the existence of the atomic bomb did not deter my parents from having children.

But then, I happen not to believe that the world is worse now than it was at any time in the past - the problems are not the same, but the sum of them is fairly constant.

Nobody else's husiness why couples don't want children. No one has to give a reason why either. We had and wanted three children but friends of our didn't want any for the simple reason they wanted a carefree life and good for them. Children do make you poor.

Generally people will always comment on others situations. It's the same with having one child....it's either 'poor child on their own' or 'oh they will be spoilt/selfish' - I hate these labels.

TerriBull

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

The only way to save this Earth is for the population to decrease, not increase.

I've never understood why Popes and Catholic priests, who are supposedly celibate, are so keen for women to keep producing children, especially when many are too poor to feed the ones they already have.

No. Anyone who doesn't feel they want children should not have them - for the child's sake. Why would anyone want children to grow up with parents who had not wanted them?

I wouldn't judge ( if that's the right word ) anyone who decided not to have children right now .
Infact I myself would would think long and hard before starting one myself if I was young now .

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

No one’s business except the person concerned. I know of one person who wanted to have children minus a partner so she had 2 children by donor. I think that is rather selfish because she depends very heavily on her aging parents and doesn’t work herself so doesn’t pay for any of their needs. I would never open my mouth to say that ,though. Her parents are worn out by it all.

I think that as long as the two people involved are on the same page then it usually works out. I remember someone telling me that her friend wanted children but her partner didn't. The friend 'forgot' to take the pill and became pregnant, her partner bullied her into having an abortion.

There are many ways of bringing up children and one parent devoting all their time to nurturing them, is only one of many successful methods or raising children.

It is a very egocentric and narrow mindset that thinks there is only one way to bring up children and that is their way.

I would just like to say to anyone out there who has had problems or who is close to someone who had problems, that I realise that is not a matter of choice for many people who experience infertility, miscarriages and neonatal mortality.

My heart goes out to you.

How lucky to have the choice.

Just saying - many cannot have children but would like to have had the choice.

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

Goodness. Rude comment.

We've 4 living children and 4 children await us in Heaven.

We chose to have all our children. We chose for me to be a sah-parent. How dare you say those who work outside their homes are not proper mothers?

Cossy

mum2three

I have three children and none have children. My daughter is a career girl and simply has no maternal feelings...; one son and his wife enjoy the freedom they have without children; other son intended to have children but the time just never seemed right.

I have never understood why so many women have babies but are quite happy for someone else to bring them up while they go out to work. For me, being a mother was all about looking after a baby and being a proper mother.

I think you’ll find those of us who had to work as no real choice, or choose to work as had great careers, including me, are all “proper mothers”

A very rude and patronising remark!

It's best to ignore comments like this, as they are clearly designed to be hurtful. I could say that people who are so narrow minded as to only be able to see one way of doing things are unsuited to parenthood, but I wouldn't be so rude.