Funeral wishes

BlueBelle

I ve talked at length with my daughter the only child living in UK (the others are happy to hand everything over to her to do 🤣 and go along with it )
I want no fuss whatsoever just a simple cremation (which I ve already paid for) and then if I have any friends left …. I m at an age where they are shrinking and all my family, as in parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, are all gone so if there’s any friends left my daughter and grandkids can have a meal, a drink and scatter the ashes in the woods or the sea with them
I have a real dislike of funerals and haven’t been to one for 12/13 years when I organised my parents 6 months apart.

RillaofIngleside a ‘do’ doesn't show love I don’t want my daughter who will be upset beyond, I know, to have to make any decisions or wonder, or even have to organise. it’s all done my other children grandchildren are overseas so it would all fall on her shoulders and who would attend , a few close friends maybe if they are still alive rattling round in a blooming empty church or hall, that would be awful
A service hymns or songs doesn’t equal love that’s just for the living to feel they ve done something and my kids know I’ve done what will be easiest for them all

It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought, and I completely understand your desire for simplicity. At a time like this, it’s important to do what feels right for you. I can relate to the idea of wanting no fuss—I’m also not one for big, traditional ceremonies, and I’d much prefer a more personal, low-key gathering. The idea of a small, meaningful farewell with close friends and family is a lovely way to honor your life, without all the formalities. It’s heartening that your daughter and grandkids will be there to carry out your wishes in such a heartfelt way.

It's tough to lose so many loved ones, and as we age, those who remain feel even more precious. Wishing you peace and comfort as you continue to plan ahead for a farewell that feels right for you.

grandMattie

I have told my children they could do what they wanted as I’d be dead. (But I’ll mention things I’d like)

But having buried both my son and my husband in 8 months, it was helpful to have some idea of what DH had wanted, we floundered with our son who died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Perhaps saying that they are ideas, rather than exactly what you want, might help your children.

I can really relate to what you're saying. Losing both my wife and son within a short period has left me feeling a bit adrift, and the loneliness is hard to shake. It’s never easy to know exactly what your loved ones would have wanted when they’re no longer with us.

I agree with your point about sharing ideas rather than hard and fast plans. It can make things feel a little less overwhelming for our children when they’re trying to carry out our wishes. It’s about giving them a guide, but with the space to make decisions based on what feels right for them in the moment.

Sending strength to everyone dealing with similar situations. It’s not easy, but we’re all in this together.

We are not a religious family , over the years several family members have left their bodies to medical research so there is no funeral but we all get together and celebrate their lives . When my sister died six years ago she did not want her children and husband to go through a funeral so she chose to be cremated without any service , when we got her ashes we had a lovely family afternoon remembering the good and not so good times. On the actual day of her cremation we knew the time it would take place and went for a walk along the beach talking about my sister, my mother wants the same thing and when the time comes on the day of her cremation she wants us to go out for a meal at her favourite restaurant with her closest family and remember the happy times , my husband and I have both decided to do the same thing when our times comes. I know a lot of people don't like this idea but it suits our family .

I ve talked at length with my daughter the only child living in UK (the others are happy to hand everything over to her to do 🤣 and go along with it )
I want no fuss whatsoever just a simple cremation (which I ve already paid for) and then if I have any friends left …. I m at an age where they are shrinking and all my family, as in parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, are all gone so if there’s any friends left my daughter and grandkids can have a meal, a drink and scatter the ashes in the woods or the sea with them
I have a real dislike of funerals and haven’t been to one for 12/13 years when I organised my parents 6 months apart.

RillaofIngleside a ‘do’ doesn't show love I don’t want my daughter who will be upset beyond, I know, to have to make any decisions or wonder, or even have to organise. it’s all done my other children grandchildren are overseas so it would all fall on her shoulders and who would attend , a few close friends maybe if they are still alive rattling round in a blooming empty church or hall, that would be awful
A service hymns or songs doesn’t equal love that’s just for the living to feel they ve done something and my kids know I’ve done what will be easiest for them all

My mum wrote me a letter years ago with her wishes. When she passed away last year I couldn’t find it but knew that she wanted the same funeral as my dad had fourteen years previous.
Very simple no service and ashes buried in the family plot. I thought I’d done everything right until I found the letter some time after. It said in capitals NO FLOWERS oops ! I think she’ll forgive me.

I agree that funerals are for the living, but I think it’s important that they are a reflection of the deceased. A full religious ceremony wouldn’t really be appropriate for an atheist, so, for me it’s about striking a balance, so a good idea to have a discussion beforehand.

Calendargirl

I think that many who say ‘put me in the dustbin’ or ‘take me to the tip’ probably are feeling fairly well and don’t think they will die just yet.

I think it’s a different matter when you are old, feeble, lonely, sad…..don’t think many in care homes are saying that actually.

I do not agree. What we are saying is, is that once we are dead, we have no control or knowledge about what happens to us. Funeral plans are for the living. People, while living, are happy because they believe that certain things will happen after their death. But once dead, those dealing with our dead body can do what they damn well like, and we have no control - or knowledge - of what is happening. Those responsible for our funeral could, if they wished, dump us in a wheelie bin, regrdless of what plans we thought we had made and agreed.

I am not saying people want this to happen, just that, no matter how complete and detailed and paid for our and agreed on with our children or other relatives, our life time plans for our funeral may be, we have few means of enforcing them, and no means of knowing if they are ignored.

Being in a care home does not mean being old, feeble, lonely and sad. Many in care homes inhabitants have regular visitors and are neither lonely or sad. That description better applies to many older people still iving at home.

These are the people least like to be able to comfort themselves in life with thoughts of their funeral, because they know that they are the ones most likely to get just a basic quick cremation with one or two people, or none at all attending it.

I think that many who say ‘put me in the dustbin’ or ‘take me to the tip’ probably are feeling fairly well and don’t think they will die just yet.

I think it’s a different matter when you are old, feeble, lonely, sad…..don’t think many in care homes are saying that actually.

I have opted for direct cremation, hubby happy with this. His is to be the full works

Quite so. Feel the same MOnica

I have written out some very basic, practical ideas for my funeral. We only have a small family and I can't bear the thought that on my death they would be worried/ concerned about what I would have wanted. I've seen the distress caused after an unexpected death when the widow, already grief stricken, had the agony of trying to do "what her husband wanted" when she couldn't bear to think of it. It's only being thoughtful to the ones you leave behind, to give them an idea of what you would like. I've told DH and family that it's all written down but that if they want to change anything I won't be bothered. Can't bear the thought of them worrying about what my favourite hymn was - I've seen it happen. A few guidelines would be appreciated by most folk, especially as none of us know exactly when we'll die. My friend had a similar approach to Monica, including the idea of being thrown on the tip, and couldn't understand when I said that was insulting to her friends and family. I didn't actually use the words"insulting" but tried to get her to see that she was insinuating that nobody cared about her. Anyway after her father died and there was some family "discussion" on the funeral, she's written down a very basic idea of how she'd like her own funeral to go. Yes, folk left behind should be able to tinker with funeral arrangements but at least give them some guidelines. DH still hasn't written anything down and I have visions of me doing the angst about his favourite hymns. I've told him that if he doesn't it will be "Bread of Heaven" sung by a Welsh choir and coming out of church to Calon Lan. (I'm Welsh and he's English). You'd see the coffin shake as he rolls over in his grave.

We’ve talked together and are clear we both want cremation. Neither of us want the other to go to the crematorium alone and will accompany them along with the family members who choose to come. A simple, short humanist ceremony with ashes kept at home until we can be scattered together.

For the second funeral we’re happy for the family to choose. If they all want a direct cremation so be it. If some but not all want to attend the crematorium then the letter of wishes asks that this is respected. They don’t all have to be there. We’ve asked they understand being different isn’t wrong. We’re firmly in the funerals are for the living camp.

My father was very specific about his funeral wishes. We carried them out to the letter and the funeral was very ‘him’. I hated every minute. It was months before I felt I’d been able to say goodbye to him, I certainly wasn’t helped by that day.

We’ve explained all this. As time passes memories of conversations fade, we hope the letter of wishes will be a gentle reminder when the time comes that it’s OK to be as they are as individuals, there is no right or wrong way.

We’ve made a note of a range of music to choose from for us both, either for a crematorium or later. We’d prefer no formal wake but rather a family meal with our music choice (they’ll undoubtedly groan a bit and then laugh) along with sharing our photo albums of happy memories.

You never know it might work out like that.

I would be happy with a direct cremation, but DDs would like something Christian, so that's all right by me, as. Long as I'm cremated, not buried. After all, it will be their day, not mine.

Exactly this M0nica. I have spent hours sorting through my parents ' things, and it is sad but cathartic. Even now I find something that smells of my mother and it takes my breath away. But it is my responsibility and my last chance to show how dear they were to me. I could never have just sent them away with no memorial.
You can probably guess that it is not long since I lost them both, and my aunt's too.

they are probably grieving and why should they be subjected to having to make decisions re service, music, eulogies, dealing with funeral directors, vicars etc.

Except that for many people arranging all this is cathartic and helps them come to terms with the loss of someone dear.

I recenlty told my daughter that after we die, the family should cherry pick the contents and then get in house clearers. She was really quite angry with me for suggesting this, as having helped clear her grandparents and aunt's house she found the process of gradually taking the house apart and disposing of the contents was deply distressing, it helped her come to terms with the finality of her loss.

Of course not everyone feels like that, but people can often think one thing before the loss of someone happens and find they respond quite differently and to me it seems profoundly selfish for the potential corpse to try and tie down their family before death occurs.

However, families are entirely free to agree with every plan the potential deceased sets out and then once they have died, ignore everything they said and do what they personally would prefer.

Love not live!

I don't understand this Direct Cremation thing at all. I spent hours arranging mum and dad's funeral and memorial services. I wanted to honour them and this was the last thing I could for them. The thought of just sending them away and receiving ashes would break my heart. I spend a lot of time on family history and live remembering my ancestors and visiting their graves so they are not forgotten. It's really important to me. I hope my children feel the same about celebrating my life.

After I lost my husband in 2014, within 6 months I had made arrangements and paid for my own funeral. My kids, all adult, know what I do and don't want. No frills, no fuss, no flowers. They know where the paperwork is.
My mum passed two years ago and she also had made her own arrangements, right down to the music.
To me it makes sense to make your wishes known before they are needed.
Since 2013 I have arranged or helped to arrange 6 funerals. It doesn't get any easier especially when you have no idea of what the persons wishes were.

Visaversa I have as well 😆 A friend who runs a local radio station said it would make a great show playlist!! It's very eclectic, lots of dance stuff and is for my celebration of life (or thank god she's dead party) after my funeral. All in my will 😁

M0nica

I think it is very selfish for people to make all their own decisions about their funeral without full discussion witg their family.

By the time it happens you will be dead and will get no benefit from it. meanwhile you may have tied your grieving family into doing things they really do not want.

I am leaving my family to decide themselves what sort of funeral they feel will sustain them best. Whether it is dumping my remains in the land waste bin and letting the council remove me, or hiring a great cathedral, and a symphony orchestra for a full requiem mass, I leave to all to them to do what will bring them, the living, left behind grieving, the greatest solace. I will no longer be sentient, so will know nothing about it.

I don't think it's at all selfish to decide what you want to happen to your body after you die and what sort of service if any you want. I decided many years ago, no funeral, no service a simple direct cremation and over and done with. No worries or stress for any relatives left behind, they are probably grieving and why should they be subjected to having to make decisions re service, music, eulogies, dealing with funeral directors, vicars etc.

Following on from my last post, I should add that a relative recently had to arrange a funeral for an ex step parent. The step parent had pre-paid their funeral, but nothing more. The relative found it hugely stressful having to make all the associated decisions (coffin, music, how to dispose of ashes etc.), so much so that her own young adult children have begged her never to leave them in that position, and she won't.

Bobblesack

As a church minister I've conducted over 400 funerals, and the most upsetting to arrange are the ones where the family have no idea what the deceased would have wanted. Because doing what their loved one would want is so important to them when the time comes.
I advise anyone who asks; write down what you would like in the way of hymns, readings, music, flowers etc. and then tell someone where to find it. Because many, many times a relative will tell me that "I know s/he wrote it all down but now I can't find it", which makes a difficult time even more upsetting.

Thank you. I have told them where they can find it. I’ve just given them a few pointers for the eulogy which I hope will help them when the time comes. I’ve realised that you never know what’s around the corner and hopefully when I go this will help them.

having an operation 6 years, i told my son i wanted a cremation and no service, and not to get the ashes unless he wanted, left a folder with all the details of bank, insurance etc. he was fine about it as he said it was up to me, my mum on the other hand said i was selfish.

M0nica

I think it is very selfish for people to make all their own decisions about their funeral without full discussion witg their family.

By the time it happens you will be dead and will get no benefit from it. meanwhile you may have tied your grieving family into doing things they really do not want.

I am leaving my family to decide themselves what sort of funeral they feel will sustain them best. Whether it is dumping my remains in the land waste bin and letting the council remove me, or hiring a great cathedral, and a symphony orchestra for a full requiem mass, I leave to all to them to do what will bring them, the living, left behind grieving, the greatest solace. I will no longer be sentient, so will know nothing about it.

I agree with you , but with the proviso that you have also made it 100% clear to your family that you genuinely don't have any personal preferences, and also that you are confident that they will not all have very different ideas about what to arrange. Otherwise you could be inadvertently be setting them up for an awful lot of stress and even a huge family falling out.

My dear dad btw very strong character who even wrote his own eulogy got all the details made out I was executor and I appreciated what he had inc where the wake was to be held even a DJ playing his beloved choice of music burial headstone service being laid to rest for family to view but it all fell apart dramatically due to my younger sisters disagreeing with a lot of what he requested even though I had written proof the problem was one of my sisters hadn't seen him in 8years and the either over 3/4 years and third also estranged so the service wake headstone location of burial music food and even photo were not what he requested it was a traumatic situation for me which I wouldn't wish on anyone so with the best will in the world changes can happen unexpectedly that said I would still advise my kids of what my preferences are and leave it up to them I don't want to give them any stress