To be sad about close family members not checking in

Yes GNs it does hurt my heart/soul… im always the one that did the most caring for our mother despite working 30+hrs a week and raising DD on my own …
I just can’t bring myself to either
Msg or phone just to say Hi im still breathing ..what’s happening with you?
We lost the youngest sibling some 18yrs ago very suddenly and we all said we must keep in touch more after the shock but realise it’s all very 1 sided thought I had a better understanding of this niece who underwent similar surgery last Nov & checked in with her regularly for couple of weeks- I thought we were close .. they all know am living alone - am not expecting visits we live in opposite ends of the Uk but they both do social media … oh well never mind - hope u all on here have a sunnier day 🤞

Illness really does sort the wheat from the chaff! I was quite poorly three years ago and was very close to a complete breakdown........didn't see my 'good friend' for weeks. Hurts doesn't it??

you are not unreasonable at all, when you think that we put so much into our family and friends, and in my own experience, I only get calls when THEY want something. My DH had a nasty operation last week, I had a text 'how's dad' the day he came home and nothing since. When I had my cataracts done, I heard nothing from DD because 'I don't do eyes'. So you are not unreasonable , it seems to me that some of us have self entitled selfish thoughtless families.

I do hope that you are OK Bea65 as I can’t see that you have returned to your thread.

Milest0ne

I do not hear from close family or friends-- unless they want something. I have to do all the phone calls or emails Only a GD in Oz texts me and occasionally a message from GS's wife.
A friend has a son who texts her every night
I always say that we could be dead a week before anyone knew. We have no neighbours. post only once a week if we are lucky. Sometimes I long for the sound of a human voice. (not even scammers ring us up). I can't get OH to move or even wake up and switch off the TV. Even after 62 years I am seriously thinking of moving on my own , just to be nearer to some human beings. I seem to have lost the ability to chat with other people. I am off to my exercise class where we just say Hello and Goodbye and no chatting.

Could you mention having a coffee to your exercise people? We British are not always very good at making the first move but we must miss a lot as a result.
Take a chance, who knows there may be others in your class who are just waiting to be asked.

I do not hear from close family or friends-- unless they want something. I have to do all the phone calls or emails Only a GD in Oz texts me and occasionally a message from GS's wife.
A friend has a son who texts her every night
I always say that we could be dead a week before anyone knew. We have no neighbours. post only once a week if we are lucky. Sometimes I long for the sound of a human voice. (not even scammers ring us up). I can't get OH to move or even wake up and switch off the TV. Even after 62 years I am seriously thinking of moving on my own , just to be nearer to some human beings. I seem to have lost the ability to chat with other people. I am off to my exercise class where we just say Hello and Goodbye and no chatting.

During the worst of Covid I really thought that when normal life was resumed we would become a more tolerant, kinder and caring society. Sadly the opposite has happened.
Surely we need each other. Humans, in the main, are gregarious and I find it very sad that we hear more and more about an increasing number who are not prepared to reach out, even to family and close friends, unless there is something in it for them.

Boing

I think you have to consider what your relationship is like generally with them - do you keep in touch with each other anyway or only now and then, or if something has happened or is planned eg. operations etc. You can be the kindest, most considerate person who checks in with others but that doesn't mean they will mirror that kindness and consideration back. Our expectations of others is what causes the bitterness and upset when they don't reciprocate. I have come across this so many times and other people have said the same thing to me, so you're not alone.

The world has changed sadly. People tend to be caught up with their own lives and although keeping in touch is easier now, more often than not it's only when someone wants something from you that they make the effort. It's taken me a long time to realise this but once I became aware of it I noticed it was always me that made the effort - I don't do it anymore x

Boing I completely agree and was going to write something similar especially your last paragraph. I heard again on the radio yesterday, someone talking about how the UK, possibly the world, has changed since the pandemic. People seem to have retreated into their families, become somewhat selfish and unhelpful/supportive to others.
I have spent the last year supporting a friend and a close family member and her family through unpleasant breast cancer treatment.
My own troubles have been ignored when they have arisen, silence, and the fact that I messaged on the day of a breast removal without realising it was actually hostily rejected. This has become the last straw for me.
Along with the disappearance of common civility in the streets and shops, careless driving, no one seems to bother signalling or waiting at roundabouts any longer, I'm sick of it, I've gone into selfish mode myself. It is sad, as others have said, make the best of your own life.

Nowt so queer as folk,as my Dad would say. Very hurtful for you, but you are more considerate than they are, so just put it down to their loss.

I had cancer 18 months ago. I'm in recovery. But I informed the sister I had always been closest to. We helped each other through thick and thin. She promised to come and see me in a text. But I've not heard or seen from her for over 5 years now. She got a different partner abt the same time, and he seems to be the priority. I don't know why. He's no good for her. It baffles me. But I know from experience, when the SHAT hits the fan, she will come running back. She has followed in this pattern for most of her life. I'm sad and disappointed, but just live my life without her in it. You know you can take z horse to water .........! Never mind. Just get on with things and concentrate on living. X

If it was my adult children, yes, I'd be upset. However, I find when illness visits me or mine, folk vanish and I know I'm not alone in this.

I think you have to consider what your relationship is like generally with them - do you keep in touch with each other anyway or only now and then, or if something has happened or is planned eg. operations etc. You can be the kindest, most considerate person who checks in with others but that doesn't mean they will mirror that kindness and consideration back. Our expectations of others is what causes the bitterness and upset when they don't reciprocate. I have come across this so many times and other people have said the same thing to me, so you're not alone.

The world has changed sadly. People tend to be caught up with their own lives and although keeping in touch is easier now, more often than not it's only when someone wants something from you that they make the effort. It's taken me a long time to realise this but once I became aware of it I noticed it was always me that made the effort - I don't do it anymore x

If it was my children that didn’t contact I’d be very sad, but other members of the family No it wouldn’t bother me

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I just don’t know why some people are so considerate and others aren’t, I’m not even sure that it indicates how much they really care generally, or not. It’s so hurtful though isn’t it. When you next speak to them you might well stress what you’ve been through (without being too self pitying) so they might reflect on things…). BUt try not to keep thinking about it, focus on those who do stay in touch and get well soon.

Firstly I think you should forgive this, give the benefit of the doubt and let them know of your progress. Particularly because they may have problems of their own that they didn't want to bother you with.
Secondly however I don't blame you for being a bit miffed . You know who you are "close" to and who you would expect to ask after you after an operation( might be your children if you have them ; might not be).
Surely they could have texted? How does that wake anyone up ?or hinder their recuperation.?
My sister had a broken wrist recently and of course I have texted her to ask if she was in a lot of pain and offerred sympathy and encouragement. WTF !!!!

I’m not surprised you feel sad. It’s a vulnerable time for you and naturally you’d like to hear some caring thoughts.

Don’t let it fester, as others have said send a message, give them a call and invite contact.

We’ve a long standing friend who behaves in exactly the same way. She expects regular calls if she is unwell but has never, we’ve been friends for over 56 years, called us to ask how we are. It doesn’t upset me now as I expect nothing else, it does disappoints me though.

Best wishes for your recovery bea. Things will look brighter very soon.

Have you messaged them since you had the surgery?

Maybe something’s happened in their lives @Bea65?
Could you call them and catch up now you’re up and about - no need to mope!

Bea65

Am really sad and surprised that 2 close female immediate family have not bothered to ask me about recent op and recovery..at first I thought they didn’t want to disturb my sleep schedule etc but now its 12 days post op , and still no text/msg either to me or indirectly to my DD asking after me …
Now I’m feeling bitter and I don’t want this feeling…also one of the 2females actually had similar op last year and I msg’d her and believed she was pleased to know I was thinking of her..

Am I being unusually over sensitive or, being unreasonable?
WE haven’t had any cross words or fallings out so am sad 😔

Do I remember a previous post re this pre-op? If I remember correctly these are sisters about whom you had little hope of them supporting you?
If this is the case ( I may have the wrong person?) then I’m so sorry you feel as you do, but if you thought this might happen then it’s upsetting, but not unexpected?

Sometimes you have to reach out and say if you haven't heard I am recovering well be lovely to see you if you want to pop over 😁

I was diagnosed with a bilateral bloodclot in my lungs just before lock down after I left hospital I wrote and told her, did'nt even bother to reply........Daughters ain't what they used to be.

TKR. Total Knee Replacement.

MayBee70

I know someone that I’ve been friends with for over fifty years. We have a lot of shared history. She had a TKR replacement recently and I phoned her several times to see how she was ( I had told her that, post op I wouldn’t phone her for a while as I didn’t want to wake her if she was asleep and that she was to phone me if she wanted to talk). But she only ever phones me if she wants to talk about something that has happened to her; never phones me just to see if I’m ok. I must admit that it does hurt me.

What is a TKR.?

Have they sent Get Well Soon cards instead ?

Give them a ring to let them know you're getting there. I say I'll get in touch following surgery when I'm feeling up to it and have has time to process things. My friends do the same.