GN makes me lonelier

RosieandherMaw I am lonely but only for my husband . I want and need him every day and it's been 21 years since he died in February he was 47 and I was 45. Our children left home 2 years after he died it's what I wanted our daughter was in her final year at uni when he died and she came home to help her brother through A levels and be with me . But she only did temp jobs and wasn't using her degree she worked so hard for. So when my son went to uni told her she has to go too. She had met her future husband at uni and went back to the city .

I spent 13 years living over 100 miles from them and we saw eachother as often as we could but I had 3 parents to look after. Everyone had a life but after my husband died I just existed my home became a house as without my husband it wasn't home . Everyone got on with doing what they wanted . I helped my mom look after my dad until he died 3 years aged 80 after my husband,and then had my mom and mother still to look after. I could never relax as I was on call 24/7.
People around me got on with their lives but I felt trapped. But I couldn't not look after them. My mother in law I hated for 40 years but looked after her because she was family. She died 11 years after my husband aged 91.

Had my mom live with me last 18 months of her life as she has cancer and dementia. Mom died 4 months before her body did. She was 90 when she died in 2017.

My house has become a stone round my neck and I rattled round it. I hadn't been truly happy since my husband died . Happy both my children where married and brought their own homes and had my first grandson.

I understand the feeling of everyone having a life but not having one . I didn't realise how much my health had suffered so much. I was born disabled but had no diagnosis. After mom's funeral I felt very ill foolishly thought life had caught up with me and I needed to rest . I didn't realise I was yellow. I couldn't see it. Only reason I called the GP to visit was I could hardly walk and was exhausted. Even when she told me I was yellow I couldn't see I was. Sounds mad I know . I had jaundice and was seriously ill for 5 months but it was my wake up call my life had to change .

So I thought about what I wanted it was only 3 things move ,lose weight get fit. When my gastrologist discharged me he told me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. That reinforced my determination to have a life.

Took me to 2019 until I moved closer to my children to have a life . But I am very independent as I had no back up for 13 years and no intention on leaning on my children.

Must cut this ramble short . Lost 7st , go to 2 exercise classes a week and exercise daily at home . Because of the brilliant healthcare here finally found out the 2 things I was born with and on medication for both. My aims when I moved was to live my life to the full something I had promised my husband I would but couldn't until I moved here. I wanted to join a craft group and did ,still a member of a craft group but a different one to when I moved here. Last May had my first holiday for 19 years just Monday to Friday loved it so much went away in September.

Premier inn have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. I walk with a stick . The rooms are perfect . Going away next month and September for holiday and visiting my brother and sister in law in July. I travel by train with travel assistance which is brilliant. Never have to worry about getting on and off the train or getting on the right on.

I see my daughter and grandsons usually every week but sometimes it's a fortnight depends on what we are doing . Unfortunately my son estranged me in 2020. But that hasn't marred my living my life to the full . I miss him and my 3 grandson's. But I miss my husband far more .

I am happy I do have my meltdowns had one few weeks ago . But since I moved here I am happy and have a home again .

It's not easy making a new life but I promised my husband I would live my life to the full and I do since I moved . But half of me is missing and I will never be whole again as half of me died when my husband took his last breath. Grieving never gets easier and as the years go by it gets worse . But you learn to cope .

I have friends in real life and on GN . I was 61 when I moved here and my life began soon because 67.

Personally, I think the good thing about GN is the ‘anonymity’.

I know many GN’ers meet up, but to me, I like that fact that you can share with ‘strangers’ ( but not ‘strangers’ if that makes sense), your thoughts, anxieties, concerns and yes, bursts of happiness that you don’t always want to share with those closest to you.

And if you are on your own, for whatever reason, it helps.

I know I have no business posting on this thread as I'm not in the same position as so many of you. However, after my various knee and hip ops with resulting recovery at home for weeks, and, of course, during COVID I found various posting forums including GN very helpful. I didn't feel alone even though I hadn't spoken aloud to anyone all day I often felt like I'd been chatting away to friends.
Friends and social contacts can be online too and close relationships can be formed. It can't just be me that feels that?

Ferry23 I totally agree with your post and I am in the same position.

I cringe when I read the word we and reference to children living at home or nearby.

J52

Hope you have a sunnier day, in all respects, RosieandherMaw and everyone else.

I echo that sentiment and feel sympathy, I think loneliness can hit at random times and overwhelm for those who live alone.💐

Maw, I have sent you a PM.

I also think it is harder to form new friendships in a new place at our age, particularly on one’s own

I won’t pretend it was easy, especially in the first six months before DD and DSiL moved back to their home once his navy posting was completed. They are now only ten minutes away.

I didn’t know a soul and must have worn my big girl’s pants to a thread. I laugh now when I remember needing SatNav to find the nearest supermarket and as a former country girl I didn’t even know what to do when you got on a bus!

Life is very different now. I’ve made some good friends and I love my town garden. My only worry is that now my DGCs have spread their wings and are scattered to the four winds I’m going to end up as Granny No Mates because my friends all have families of their own so weekends are often lonely.

My moaning Myrtle is locked in the wardrobe……For now!

Kate 54,
So true. We are the result of our genes and our experiences.
And we might be swimmers but sometimes we need a lifeboat.

This has turned into a very interesting thread, hasn’t it? Monica’s viewpoint resonates. How resilient we are at this stage in our lives depends on so many factors - when we left home, how old we were when we married, our personalities, our sense of independence (only child?) ,how we’ve dealt with those hard knocks which come to some much earlier than others.
But whatever our levels of support (family or otherwise) we can still be ‘ambushed by grief’ as one GNer beautifully put at a time when I was at a low point.
Have as good a weekend as possible ladies. The sun is still out and I’m notice there’s some rhubarb ready to pick….

Just as a matter of interest , have any GN succeeded in meeting new friends/ acquaintances later in life? I used to go to Church which gave that sense of connection and belonging. I don't believe though.

Hope for a decent day today.

kittylester

^I have been on it for eleven years and do agree the dynamics have changed.
However, I think it has mainly become more supportive and not so
impersonal^

My point about the GM Thread's change is that now it could easily emphasise how empty one's own day is by comparison.

I see where you are coming from, Kitty, but some people ( myself included) enjoy hearing about what posters are doing. Sometimes I feel quite lonely, because I am unable to have that kind of life and am stuck at home unwell for weeks at a time.
However, I don't see it as a reason for people not to post about what they are doing. Should people not post about their families and activities?

Sorry, my italics didn't work.

Glad to hear that you are feeling better, RosiesMaw . Please remember, everyone is entitled to a moan ( or, indeed, a curse, if it helps).
We don't have to be Pollyanna all of the time.
I wish for you a sunnier today.

^I have been on it for eleven years and do agree the dynamics have changed.
However, I think it has mainly become more supportive and not so
impersonal^

My point about the GM Thread's change is that now it could easily emphasise how empty one's own day is by comparison.

Rosie
I'm with you and feel the same. Poignant thread. Best wishes.

Rosie for one reason and another I’ve become a bit of an expert at going through loss. Some I could prepare for and some I couldn’t. However well you prepare you will always feel grief, sometimes when you’re not expecting it. Let your inner “moaning Myrtle” out of her box to express that grief, it will help you get back on track and as you can see you have helped others express theirs.

Dear Rosie etc,
Thanks so much for this thread.
I do think it's part of being human that we have these depths of emotion.
My DS has been through a bad patch and I have been thinking about what helps one's mood.
One friend of mine buys a new lipstick! My daughter has a glass of wine but I don't recommend that.
Monica's point of view is interesting.
Have a friend who lives alone in family house and does not know what to do now. I tried to tell her it was freedom now to do what she wants after years of looking after other people. Easy for me to say.
As Emerson said ' it's on the debris of our despair that we build our character '

Hope you have a sunnier day, in all respects, RosieandherMaw and everyone else.

Some lovely responses and my thanks for all your kind thoughts.
I seem to have triggered something though and realise from the many posts that just when you feel alone- you are far from it!
I am not devastated at living a distance from my AC and GC - nor have I built my life around them. Oddly, if I had moved nearer any of them when Paw died, I might be lonelier when they were busy (as they are!) or away. I resisted that move because to move nearer one would have doubled the distance to the others - my choice. I also think it is harder to form new friendships in a new place at our age, particularly on one’s own. GrandMattie and others have perhaps proved me wrong but my friends and neighbours from our 40 years in this village would be hard to replicate.
It is what it is - so, here I am, 24 hours later, having boxed up my inner Moaning Myrtle and told her to clear off (for now) and feeling warmed and touched by your many understanding responses 💐

I have a DH and family living nearby but it’s not all as it seems. I’m very cross and hurt at the moment, with one family, DH agrees with me but refuses to be drawn in and won’t talk about it.
So loneliness comes in all forms. All I want to do is sit and wallow, but I’m going to give my head a shake and get on with my own things today and hope this horrible feeling doesn’t last long. I’m Sorry your feeling down. Hope you feel much better today.

RosieandherMaw
I completely understand your post because I am in tthe same boat. I was widowed at 50 and I still miss my husband enormously. I live alone but like you enjoy the companionship of my dog.
No siblings or relatives other than my son who lives abroad and my daughter, son-in-law (both work alcoholics!) and 2 grandchildren who live nearby. They lead extremely busy lives so get togethers are few and far between. The good times when I was needed have naturally dwindled as the GC have grown older and I have adjusted accordingly.
glasshalffullagain Fri 15.42 has written an interesting post I think.
MOnica says women are far too dependent on families but I don't think I nor my friends are. We accept that society has changed. Working parents are busy people, concerned with their careers, their family, their social life and IF they think Granny might enjoy their company a bit more often do they have the time?
So ....widowhood results in feeling down in the dumps sometimes. When that happens to me I wallow awhile and then do something nice, a long dog walk, a bike/ bus ride, a swim for example. I have acclimatised myself to lone trips to restaurants and various entertainment which hugely mitigates feeling sad especially on weekends and Public holidays. It's a bit of a battle isn't it...

I remember my sister and my mum telling me how lonely they were and I was full of advice of what they could do . I was working full time had a partner, a horse and a couple of dogs there was always people popping in and my son lived fairly near.
20 years on I now know how they felt.
my son and family live abroad,mum and sister are no longer here and the husband has moved on.
I still have a dog and help out with a friends horse Im healthy and solvent but living alone can be so hard. The days are long and only one friend calls in once a week, sometimes apart from talking to other dog walkers I don't speak to anyone apart from my son who face times me every night.
Like me, 20 years ago, he cannot understand what it feels like.

Chin up, Maw.It is what it is and we have to get on with it.

I often link down days to anxiety about the future, especially when family move away. We’re self reliant and being any sort of burden is simply not on the agenda but every now and then it all piles in and normal feelings become a bit of a whirlpool.

But we’re NOT sinkers, we’re swimmers.

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug, RosiesMaw. Down days are hard to climb out of, aren’t they? I don’t post about my activities either as my days are all very similar.
🤗

Silverbrook, I am obviously not making myself clear. I agree with everything you wrote. But the OP and others have talked about being devastated by seeing children and grandchildren less, I can fully understand that, but that also bothers me, because I would be afraid to load all my purpose in living on such a frail barque.

Everything in life is so transient and fragile, even family ties should not be the be all and end all of life. There need to be other things as well, so that as one thing collapses around us, there is somewhere else to go. It doesn't mean you do not grieve over what has passed.