Feeling like I missed out on so much in life

One regret: I wish I'd found my birth father before he'd died so I could tell him what I thought of him and his treatment of my Grandmother and my Mother which greatly affected their lives. [I never knew him].

I'd have wiped the floor with him to say the least.

I had a son that was born brain damaged and profoundly deaf. I've spent the last 40 odd years caring for him. I've missed out on a hell of a lot. Job prospects, a decent living, social life, my sanity, my physical health. It's been an uphill struggle. I've also been a single parent for 40 years. It's affected every area of my life, even my marriage disintegrated over our boy. I also had another healthy son who was younger to care for. He was god sent and has helped me no end. What I gave up for my disabled son had to be done, it was as simple as that. Now I am 63 years old. I'm still trying to catch up living and trying different experiences on a low income. I don't regret caring for my son, but am aware what I've had to give up too. Just do your best daily to enjoy your life. This is what I do. Your also a long time dead, so seize the day darling. Lots of live xx

I’ve had a blast, mostly! No regrets, just a waste of time.

For myself I have no real regrets apart from the fact I do not have a life time partner now. I regret the fact my mother married my stepfather and her personality and the way she treated me changed.

My art teacher wanted me to go to Art College and was arranging it but mother stopped that - 'You didn't like school so you won't like college'. ! Actually expecting me brought her own Art Studies to and end. And she wanted me out to work to bring in money.

My decisions in life meant I have few regrets now. I've usually been very happy at the time in terms of jobs, housing, children, grandchildren, long term partners, holidays etc. Maybe I was just lucky and I am so grateful for everything. I have had so many good times with ex partners, great memories, decent people.

I just regret things I didn't say to friends and family who have since passed. I wish I had talked to them more, given them more time and told them clearly how much I loved them.

It’s so easy to think “what if” but it really is never too late to realise some dreams. One of the biggest regrets for many is not learning to play the piano or giving up too early. I have taught many older adults in this position and it is very moving to witness people fulfilling their dreams. While, realistically, they are not going to be the next Martha Argerich or Lang Lang, real progress is very possible with practise and the enjoyment gained is priceless.

My main regrets are not things I could have done anything about. I regret not having a sister, only a brother, and I regret not having a daughter, only sons (much as I love them). Too many males in my life!

I had to be persuaded to leave home when I went to London for university. If I had stayed at home as I wished, I would definitely have regretted it later. The best decision I was ever pushed into!

Passiflora
I've done some very bad things in the past too but you can't rewrite history. You just turn the page and forgive yourself for past mistakes. As you're sorry and regret it you are now a nicer person. I'm the same and will always regret what I did.

Writhe

Some of these messages have been very interesting and comforting. My issue is that I don't feel so much regret as absolute shame and horror at the memory of so.e things I have done. Things that arose from arrogance and laziness and self indulgence. It's taken me years to get things right and I am grateful for what I have got away with every day. But the shame never dies. I withe with embarrassment and self disgust when they pop back into my memory, as they do several times a week or more often than that. I am afraid it will get worse as I get even older. I cannot forget the shameful things I have done and can never tell anyone. Sorry if this is too much. Please don't suggest therapy I could still never tell.

Just remembered! I was accepted for university and my parents consulted a cousin who lectured there. He looked at my A levels and told them I would not cope with the course so I took another path which really did not suit me.
I think this is why I have let all my children do what they want and make their own mistakes.

I missed out on teenage fun as my parents were quite victorian and disapproved of my friends and things I wanted to do. Then we moved to an isolated place so I lost my school friends and didn't have confidence to make new ones.

I missed out on having a childhood with my mother and was brought up with my elderly grandmother. Didn't see my mother until I was 14. She had poor health so father won custody.

That feeling is inescapable because our minds rove around the past and the future and it takes practice to live in the present. If you are looking for a way to expand your horizons in retirement find out if there is a branch of the University of the Third Age close to you. Even if there isn't they offer online talks.

Deedee and Mary b I’m interested in your comments as I wonder if my husband is on the autistic spectrum

I may bs wrong here but am sure I have seen adverts for free part time degrees from Oxford for old people . Please correct me people if am wrong !

Encouraged by teachers to stay for 6th form and apply for University with no previous family experience I was as scared of the prospect as my parents were. Always an anxious soul I had little self confidence. Still wanting to study evening classes supported two ‘A’ level passes. By then I was happy working in a library, several in fact, meeting Mr C in a specialist industrial library.

Life went on. My anxiety based in a fear of not being good enough continued and I know did hamper me for years. Work was interrupted by children, as they got older I had a number of very enjoyable part time roles where I developed an interest in a speciality I’d never considered. I went, shaking, to a part time local course eventually achieving a Masters through part time study at two Universities. I’ll be forever grateful to the tutors who built my confidence enough to allow a 20 year super professional life

While at University I very much regretted not having had the ‘proper’ University experience. Eventually it passed as I began to work professionally and learned actually I was not only competent but highly valued as a colleague.

I regret nothing of the experiences along the way other than not standing up to the the very unpleasant management committee chair who was incredibly rude to me. I do still regret not having the confidence to believe in myself until I was in my late 40’s.

Of course hindsight is wonderful, looking back with overwhelming regret never helpful. Being aware of the source of the regrets has enabled me to encourage our children, some colleagues and friends to believe in themselves. Sometimes having had regrets can be useful.

I've always been a trier, but what I've lacked in my life has been guidance. So I would've liked a mentor, someone who could have guided me and offered a little advice here and there. I had strong interests and enthusiasms, but they could have been channelled better.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this - so illuminating, interesting, motivating.
There can be no greater illustration of how different we all are.

I didn’t have a good childhood and I have made several bad decisions but if I had had a different life, I wouldn’t have had my DD and DGC.
I can’t have my cake and eat it, although I maybe sad sometimes, I live a better life than many others, which I am grateful for.

henetha, I read your post with interest ( and perhaps a little sadness)
I am grandmother to a little adopted one.
The baby was removed at birth due to the parent's inability to parent their first child.
A wonderful childhood is being enjoyed, with lovely experiences, good times with cousins and an excellent education.
I do, however, wonder if the regrets you refer to will overshadow the teenage years and beyond.
Of course, these parents did not choose to walk away, they were simply unable to rise above their difficulties with poor mental health, substance abuse, offending behaviours and so on; perhaps that will be easier to understand.
I'm an only child and craved a sibling, so I over- compensated and had four children.

I'm not given to navel glazing as my dad describes it. I don't have any real regrets. I was one of a generation told "girls like you don't go to university" at school so I got a job. I worked for a decade in healthcare and then married and had my family all 3 had AN. So for 20 years I was a SAHM and in addition an unpaid carer for my elderly grandparents. I divorced in my mid 30s and because a lone parent but aged 47 I was persuaded to apply for an extended degree at a local university and graduated with a very respectable honours degree. I followed it up with an accelerated MSc which I also passed with Merit.
Since then I have worked full time albeit in roles that are in the voluntary sector so pay poorly, but flexible to enable me to care for my now adult children, my late mum and now my dad who had advanced dementia and is in a care home but still requires input at his DoLs representative.
I'm 62 now and do wonder if my life would have been different had I made different choices, and savings would be nice to have (my ex took everything) as would a happy marriage and I do wonder what it would be like having a husband who supported me rather than dragging me down.

I made some poor choices when I was a teenager, which I partly put down to being orphaned at 15. But on the whole I try to think that I learned from those bad decisions and whilst my life to some sounds boring it suits me just fine. I’ve been married to my best friend for 43 years, we’ve got 4 wonderful children, who’ve craved our good careers and given us 2 gorgeous granddaughters. We travelled a bit, we own our home and cars, so on the whole I don’t have many what ifs, and I’m truly grateful for all of it, even the bad things.

I sometimes wish I have more than one child. My husband is much older, and I worried I might end up as a young widow with 2 young ones so stick to one. I do regret not teaching my daughter my native language.

The time I felt that I was missing out on life was in mid forties when I had my early menopause. I really struggled with it in my 40s and 50s especially due to the lack of sleep. The female doctor was so reluctant to put me on HRT.

Other than that, I have few regrets. Now in my sixties, I am quite content with my life and the way it has turned out.

To some extent I have been lucky. Made some rash decisions but still managed to land on my feet instead of falling flat on my face.

Lovely post, keepingquiet

Stop moaning and get on with the life you have. Surely if you really wanted to do all those things you could have rolled up your sleeves and done something about it. Procrastination is the their of time
Or even the thief